Retro Pops & Botches: WWE SmackDown – 11.28.2002

 

Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Jamie Noble’s losing streak continued, Angle and Benoit defeated Los Guerreros in singles matches, Big Show defended the WWE Championship against Edge, Brock Lesnar struck, and Bull Buchanan made his thunderous debut. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re still on The Road to Armageddon, baby! Next Big Thing!

BOTCH: Pilgrim’s Progress

Happy Thanksgiving! Tonight’s special edition of SmackDown features two significant changes:

1. There are now garbage-ass CGI turkeys that look straight out of a pre-Toy Story made-for-TV Stephen King adaptation.
2. Tazz is staying home due to a family emergency, but fear not, Cole isn’t calling the show solo. He’s accompanied by WCW alumn and THREE-TIME Karate World Champion, Ernest “The Cat” Miller.

I did not recall Ernest Miller doing color commentary. He’s not particularly good at it! His Georgia accent is insanely thick and he spends the whole episode making terrible observations and even worse jokes. The jokes are especially bad thanks to Michael Cole’s trademark polite laughter. Cat also loses his voice before the main event gets started. Had Miller even done any color commentary beforehand or was he literally the first guy they found? I could probably spend the entire write-up shitting on Miller’s commentary, but I’ll be generous and give you one example:

Cole: Oh, look at this! Chavo and Eddie switched without making a tag, Cat, that’s illegal!
Miller: [weird silence] …It’s part of the fight, okay?
Cole: Mike Chioda asking Eddie Guerrero if he made the tag, and of course that he says yes!
Miller: Eh—y’know, I saw the tag…
Cole: Why don’t we give Guerrero a lie detector test?
Miller: Why don’t you give ‘em that TOUPEE?
Cole: What?

You can practically hear Miller’s gears spinning in his head through the microphone. The Cat hosts a special “Pilgrim Fashion Show”, AKA, another goddamn Dawn Marie/Torrie Wilson segment. Torrie’s dressed as a sexy Native American, and Kidman nicknames her “Poca-hotness”, which is way more clever than it has any right to be. Ernest also brings out Al Wilson dressed as a turkey. I have no idea how this counts as a fashion show, it’s barely even a segment. Now, I might be suffering from early dementia, but I just realized how much Al Wilson sounds like Kermit the Frog. Cole hates Al so much that he starts screaming into the microphone unprovoked. I swear to Christ I’m not making any of this up.

The ladies strut their stuff until Dawn reminds Torrie of her engagement with Al. Torrie beats Dawn up and sticks a pumpkin on her head, which might be the best image I’ve screenshotted so far. I can feel each of these Torrie/Dawn segments dragging me deeper and deeper into hell.

???: Keep Brock at Bay

Last week, Stephanie threatened to suspend Brock Lesnar if he attacked Big Show, so Brock Lesnar attacked Big Show. Let’s be honest, that’s like dangling steak in front of a dog, I don’t know what she expected to happen. Steph opens the show to announce her verdict before getting interrupted by Brock himself. Brock does what he usually does when faced with an authority figure, that is, puff out his chest and threaten to beat the shit out of them. This isn’t the first time he’s done this, either.

Stephanie calls upon her army of very non-threatening police officers and officially suspends Lesnar. Well, I’m shocked. Brock’s diplomatic prowess was in full display there. He returns to the show later on, though, and this random SmackDown correspondent whose name I do not know and refuse to look up is on the case. We find out Brock bought tickets from a scalper (which is a really funny image if you think about it) and he may or may not still be in the building. This would make a lot more sense if Brock Lesnar wasn’t visible from the top of a skyscraper. How does 6’3, 290lb Brock Lesnar go into an arena unnoticed?

BOTCH: The Whitest Kids U’ Know

Former WWE Tag Team Champions Edge & Mysterio are back in action tonight, taking on the Deadly Alliance of John Cena and Matt Hardy. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT HAS BEEN TO PLYMOUTH ROCK” (good for him) and “MATT THINKS THANKSGIVING IS A BORING HOLIDAY”. And Matt is absolutely right. Matt is also recovering from getting Kool-Aid-Man’d through a fucking wall last week, but he seems to be doing okay.

Speaking of last week, Cena is accompanied by his new homie Bull Buchanan, now known as B². As in “B-Squared”. Even though in this case B adds up to 1 and 1² = 1. Bull’s out here calling Cena his “dawg” and wearing… a kufi? There’s a difference between “white rapper” and “white hotep”, guys. This is a standard tag match, very little to it, but technically solid. Matt and Cena get the win after holding the ropes for leverage, which is stupid in more ways than I can count.

For starters, Edge and Mysterio are an actual team, your second ever tag team champions, in fact; they shouldn’t be losing to a makeshift pair. Second, they’re Edge and Mysterio. Your two most popular workers (one of whom just challenged for the WWE title last week) lost to John Cena and Matt Hardy, two ineffective heels who can’t even manage to beat Rikishi in a singles match. I understand wanting to give your midcard heels some wins, but you gotta respect the power levels. At least Matt finally found a couple of nice Christian boys to spread the word of Mattitude through the nation.

POP, I GUESS?: Mist Opportunity

Straight Man Chuck Palumbo is in singles action tonight, battling Tajiri. What a weird match to book, honestly. Tajiri’s a cruiserweight, and Palumbo’s… also there. I don’t wanna be mean to Chuck, he’s not outwardly bad or anything, there’s just nothing for me to say about him half the time. He wears black trunks and he’s in very good shape. That’s literally all I got. He locks Tajiri in his new submission maneuver, a reverse Boston Crab called “the Padlock”. Unfortunately, Tajiri easily reaches the ropes. It’s a reverse Boston Crab, Chuck, just walk backwards and drag him to the center.

Tajiri gets the win with a Buzzsaw kick, not before spraying Palumbo with the dreaded Poison Mist. The Mist is a timeless classic, a strange liquid that temporarily blinds/burns/paralyzes opponents. Different colors get different results, and there’s really no kayfabe explanation of where exactly the mist comes from. It’s like a gland every Asian wrestler has or something. Can you believe I’ve been writing about Tajiri matches since August and this is the first time he’s actually hit the mist? I suppose this makes him a heel again, even though he’s been a face for precisely 42 days. If you thought Tajiri was my favorite wrestler before, just wait until he starts going Great Muta on these fools.

BOTCH: The Insult That Made A Man Out of Jamie

After making his debut at Survivor Series, Scott Steiner is in the building tonight! Ooh, could this lead to Steiner vs. Brock? Steiner vs. Show? Maybe Steiner vs. Angle? No, silly! Steiner runs into Jamie Noble, who gives him a legitimate warm welcome. Scott ignores him and spanks his girlfriend. Yeah, Steiner’s kind of an asshole. Jamie’s the babyface, so he goes to the ring and stands up for his woman even though he’s completely outmatched. Steiner shows up and, despite Jamie’s attempts to intimidate him, whoops Noble’s ass. And then he spanks his girlfriend again. Jamie is literally the main character of a Charles Atlas ad here.

No mention of Jamie’s losing streak or cousin Nunzio, so I guess we’ll get back to that next week. Steiner cuts a promo, flexes his peaks, pleases his freaks, and reminds us he’s still the big bad booty daddy and his arms are still very scary. Will he sign with SmackDown?! We still don’t know!

POP: Why Can’t We Be Friends?

In a rematch from Rebellion (and one of favorite matches so far), Benoit and Angle look to regain their tag titles against Los Guerreros. I cannot tell you how much I’ve missed these four after sitting through this goddamn show. Although Angle tries to keep the team together [spank], he and Benoit STILL have their issues. Jesus Christ guys, you’ve been at this since August, give it a rest already.

Benoit and Angle are busy pissing around, so Eddie and Chavo do the old “grab the belts and dip” strategy. Luckily, senior official Mike Chioda decides this match will not end on a count out, and reels them back in. SmackDown does this kinda thing a lot, now that I think about it. Edge vs. Angle had the strange case of the two referees, Edge/Rey vs. Angle/Benoit went into overtime, etc. They grab great matches and give them these weird twists. The matches still rule, but it’s clearly a trend.

As you’d expect, the match is pretty dope. Chavo and Eddie heel it up, Benoit and Angle suplex their souls out of their bodies. There might come a day when I get tired of screencapping suplexes, but we’re not there just yet. Benoit and Angle wind up costing themselves the match, refusing to let the other man win with their submission. Chavo lands a weird looking Frog Splash and smashes Benoit with the belt while the ref’s not looking, giving his team the win. Not quite as good as their first meeting, but these tag matches are still my drug, man. Sadly, this will be the last Benoit/Angle tag match, at least until October of next year. But don’t cry for the Can-Am Connection, dear reader, they will be seeing each other real soon…

SLIGHT POP: Crash’s Last Hunt

Billy Kidman’s Fighting Champion Tour continues tonight with a title match against Crash. If you remember (and I know you don’t), Crash challenged Jamie Noble for the title in October. Back then, I said “this is Crash’s one and only Cruiserweight Championship match in his entire career”. I was wrong, obviously, but in my defense, this wasn’t listed as a title match on ProfightDB. However, I can now say with complete certainty that this really is Crash Holly’s final televised Cruiserweight Championship match. It’s his final televised title match, period. Man, that got a little dark.

As you can tell, Crash doesn’t win here, but he gets a few neat spots. Less than a minute in, he’s powerbombing Billy against the barricade like a mini-Kevin Owens. Kidman eventually lands the Shooting Star Press and clips his foot on the middle rope, but luckily nobody gets hurt. Crash may not have won the Cruiserweight Championship, but he was always more of a Super Heavyweight anyways.

BOTCH: Moo La Land

Stephanie runs into Kurt Angle backstage and reveals that not only is she frustrated about the Lesnar situation, but she’s also on her period. This leads to a very confusing bit where we learn that Kurt Angle might not know what PMS is. Never change, Kurt. We’re also in Columbia, South Carolina, and I only bring this up cause it’s Fabulous Moolah’s hometown. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Moolah’s in this episode. She’s carrying around a copy of her autobiography, The Fabulous Moolah: First Goddess of the Squared Circle, which was apparently written in kayfabe and makes no mention of her backstage work. “Backstage work” is the politest way to put it, by the way.

Moolah is objectively one of the most prolific figures in the history of women’s wrestling, but her legacy is, uh… pretty bad. And this is coming from the guy who writes about Chris Benoit every week. She allegedly abused and manipulated her students and employees, left them in terrible working conditions, and held absolute control over women’s wrestling in America for like four decades. But remember, this is the woman that held the Women’s title for 25 years. She was undoubtedly WWE’s golden girl, and in 2002, we’re still years away from her name being bad publicity.

Stephanie’s in a bad mood (presumably because of her period, I wouldn’t know), so she asks the 80-year-old woman if she’s down for a match tonight. Who is Moolah supposed to wrestle, again? We have three women on the roster, and we’ve already used them. And there’s also the small matter of Moolah being 80 YEARS OLD. What’s she gonna do, take a brainbuster? Paul Heyman drops by Stephanie’s office to tell her that, had she not suspended Lesnar, Big Show would’ve waved the “no rematch” clause and defended the title against him tonight. Pity. Steph tells him that, no worries, he will defend the title in our main event. We are currently 70 minutes into an 82-minute show. So, who’s he wrestling?

Oh.

Big Show vs. Fabulous Moolah, for the WWE title. I’m giving this a Botch, but it’s hard not to throw a Pop in there for the sheer insanity of it. It’s a pretty good reveal, too: Stephanie spends the entire night getting progressively aggravated, so she books Show and Moolah in matches. And six minutes before the show closes, Cole notices, “hey, Moolah’s got a match coming up, and hey, Show’s got a match coming up, and oh my god”. Heyman grabs the mic and tells Show to treat Moolah as if she was Brock Lesnar. Same thing they did with Edge last week. Show goozles Moolah, but Brock runs down and attacks him before he can chokeslam the octogenarian.

Brock F5s Show, this time through the announce desk, which is still very impressive. However, it also means the WWE Champion has retained via no-contest against inferior opponents and gotten his ass kicked by Brock two weeks in a row. Our Champ sucks! And one more thing, if Brock’s here as a fan, why doesn’t the police bum-rush him and escort him out of the building? I know it’s because he’s Brock Lesnar, but he can’t fight all of them. Okay, no, he probably can.

And that’s our show! Join us next week as Albert and Bill DeMott make their returns (yippie), Billy Kidman continues his Cruiserweight title campaign against Chavo Guerrero, Cena and Rikishi freestyle, and the top four Superstars on SmackDown face off in an Elimination match to determine the Number 1 Contender for Big Show’s WWE Championship. Make sure to leave a comment below (I read all of them, trust me) and join the Discord. SmackDown!