Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. We just got done with Survivor Series 2002, Billy Kidman pinned the champ in an actual title match, Reverend D-Von jumped ship to Raw, Los Guerreros won the tags in a non-classic and Paul Heyman betrayed Brock Lesnar, allowing Big Show to win the WWE Championship. Yes, really. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re now on The Road to Armageddon! Next Big Thing!
POP: My Cousin Guido
In our opening match, it’s a battle of former champions as Jamie Noble takes on Rey Mysterio. Survivor Series saw the end of Noble’s 146-day long Crusierweight Championship reign and Rey’s much less impressive 10 days with the tags. There have been three WWE Tag Team Champions so far and the average reign lasts like two weeks. Jamie’s a sad husk now, but it’s impressive how much better he gets without a belt weighing him down. He’s out here working limbs, throwing head-and-arm suplexes and generally free from all the heel champ bullshit. This is sadly not the 11-minute classic I’ve been waiting for, though, they don’t even go 3. Nidia attempts to distract Rey, who overcomes the odds by leapfrogging Jamie, springboarding behind him and catching him with a ‘Rana.
Goddamn if that ain’t some WCW shit. Jamie’s losing streak continues, and our favorite redneck is going through a rough patch. Nidia tries to cheer him up backstage, but Jamie says their luck has run out… unless they make one call. A call to crazy cousin Nunzio. Show of hands, who here remembers Little Guido Maritato? Okay, now how many of you remember Little Guido Maritato being introduced as Jamie Noble’s cousin? I’m a WWE trivia machine and even I forgot about that.
POP: Battlin’ Billy
BOTCH: The Thing About Taped Shows…
Newly crowned Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman defends his title against my favorite wrestler, Tajiri. Yeah, it’s a title match! Remember, every singles match featuring the Cruiserweight Champion is a title match unless otherwise stated. It’s like an open challenge, any Cruiserweight who shows up for work is eligible for a title shot on SmackDown. Unless you’re Funaki, I guess. There’s not much to say here, just some solid Cruiserweight action, short and to the point. Tajiri throws some of the best kicks in the business and Billy retains after a Shooting Star Press.
There’s something going on with the editing, though; the guys switch sides during a lateral press, Tajiri grabs a chinlock, and we get a replay of a move we haven’t seen. Yes, they cut to a move they edited out. I had to watch this match like three times to see if I missed anything. Did Billy and Tajiri secretly go 22 minutes and got cut for time? The world may never know.
POP: Inside Job
At Survivor Series, Paul Heyman turned on his Next Big Thing, aligning himself with a Bigger Thing and costing Lesnar the title. For the first time since his debut, Brock’s on his own, and he’s also extremely pissed. As opposed to his usual mood, which is “hop in place while Paul talks”. He runs into Matt Hardy, an expert in reading the room and NOT pissing off huge people with very short fuses. Obviously, Matt tells Brock he needs some Mattitude and gets yeeted through a fucking wall. A very Matt thing to do! Eddie and Chavo snitch on Brock and say they refuse to partake in such an unhealthy working environment. This coming from the guys who locked Chris Benoit in a dark room and beat him with a steel chair, mind you. Stephanie says she’ll handle it, but Eddie says Brock isn’t gonna listen to a woman. Eddie, you dated Chyna, shouldn’t you be an authority on powerful women?
Stephanie tells Brock he will get his rematch, just not until his ribs heal. And, if Brock attacks anyone else tonight, he’s suspended. Shouldn’t that always be the case, though? Like, as a sports company, shouldn’t you be fining/suspending your athletes anytime they, oh gee I don’t know, toss each other off the stage? Are they just allowed to do that? I get this is wrestling, and most of the stories rely on employees being psychopaths who fight at work, but what’s the internal logic here?
Luckily, Heyman and Show take a few minutes out of their busy schedule to fuck with Brock. Paul even does Brock’s entrance, complete with hopping in place and jumping onto things. Paul cuts a promo saying he was responsible for everything Brock’s accomplished so far. Once Brock stopped listening, Heyman had to “show him who’s boss”. Heyman’s SUCH a shithead here, it’s unreal. He doesn’t even give Big Show any credit, he just pats himself on the back for being the smartest guy in the room. A great little detail is how Paul’s the one carrying the belt around, not Show. I mean, Show can’t physically wear it anyways, but you get my point. And guess what, right before switching clients, Paul added a teeny tiny clause to their match at Survivor Series: no rematch. I’d argue Brock should’ve read the fine print, but that was Paul’s job, so…
Brock runs out with a chair and thwacks Show on the entrance ramp, cause he’s a bit of a hothead. And look, if it isn’t Producer Jim Ross hanging out in the background! Shouldn’t you be on Raw, Jim? Or Dynamite? Or selling BBQ sauce out on the street?
POP: Singled Out
Despite settling their differences, Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle failed to regain the tag titles this past Sunday, but they do get singles matches against the new champs, Eddie and Chavo. Benoit’s up first, pulling Chavo duty, and man are these two an underrated combination. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Chavo look this good, he takes suplexes like he’s jumping into a pool (WEEEEEEEEEEE), and he yelps a lot. You know how you can distinguish a wrestler’s grunts if you watch them long enough? I don’t think there’s a wrestler with a more distinctive “AAH!” than Chavo. We get a pretty good, compact match here, with Benoit crossfacing Chavo out of the goddamn sky for the win.
Next up is Eddie vs. Angle, a rematch from the Halloween episode, and another pretty good contest. We get some Eduardo magic here: Eddie brings out two chairs and smashes Angle with one while the ref gets rid of the other. Naturally, this causes an incredibly loud thump, but the official doesn’t seem to notice. “Guess the referee’s gotta get that hearing aid fixed”, Tazz notes. Tazz also calls a Camel Clutch “a Chihuaha Chinlock”, apparently forgetting that move was invented by Eddie’s dad.
Chavo slowly creeps down to the ring, then spends the entire second half of the match running up and down the ramp to kick Angle whenever he’s down on the outside. Eventually, Benoit shows up to lurk in the shadows, but he doesn’t help Angle because, well, why would he. After a great dual Ankle Lock/Lasso spot, Angle takes out Chavo and wins off an avalanche Angle Slam. Benoit claps sarcastically from the ramp, cause I guess these two are still feuding. 20 bucks says we got another Benoit/Angle match next week.
???: Be Our Guest
Big Poppa Pump is guest starring SmackDown next week! “Guest starring” as in “he’s gonna show up but he’s still not signed anywhere”. Now, I can never predict Scott Steiner to a certainty, but he’ll probably flex, scream, and try to bang anything that moves.
BOTCH: Bull’s on Parade
The great John Cena/Rikishi war continues tonight with another singles match. Cena’s got a new theme song to sell the gimmick, but we’re not at the Thuganomics stage just yet. Before the bell rings, Dawn Marie and Al Wilson interrupt. Hey, we gotta shove this angle somewhere, right? They (very awkwardly) announce that they’re inviting every SmackDown fan to their wedding. Yes, another televised wedding. Cena and Rikishi recover from the earth-shattering news and have A Match. Cena’s still a little awkward, and Kishi’s not trying, so it’s nothing special.
The most interesting tidbit is Tazz ranting on commentary about how he wants to beat the shit out of Al. Rikishi wins after an anticlimactic belly-to-belly and gets attacked by Cena’s newest friend, the returning Bull Buchanan. Remember Bull? No, you don’t. They haven’t given him a name yet, but he’ll be Cena’s bouncer for a bit. A very short bit.
BOTCH: (Who Can Stop?) The Path of Rage
In our main event, Big Show defends the WWE Championship against Edge. The challenger gets interviewed by SmackDown’s Number 1 Announcer Funaki (INDEED!), who compares Big Show to Godzilla. Oh, I get it, cause Funaki’s Japanese! Notice how he actually says “Godzilla” and not “Gojira”, cause he’s being fed lines by some very, very funny writers. Edge, in turn, compares himself King Kong, and like everyone knows, “King Kong always kicks Godzilla’s ass!” Always as in ONCE, as they’ve only been in one movie together. Also, King Kong is usually a lot smaller th—you know what, forget I said anything.
Big Show’s back is shot after getting bodied by Lesnar, so he asks Paul to negotiate with Stephanie and call off the main event. Steph says no. But if Lesnar interferes he’ll get suspended, and Heyman will sue, and etc. etc. You’d think Big Show’s injured back would play into the main event, but they never mention it again.
First of all, how is it that Edge, a very large man, keeps getting into WWE title matches with guys twice his size? Imagine being 6’5 and continually running into people bigger than you. The champ bullies Edge around until Edge kicks him in the dick… I mean, it wasn’t a fair fight to begin with, so why not. After a few tries, Edge manages to spear Show, but Heyman pulls him out of the ring before he can get the pin. Because clearly the 7-foot-tall, 500lb champ needs outside interference to win his title matches. And he doesn’t even win, really. Heyman grabs a mic, tells Show to treat Edge as if he was Brock, and then the real Brock runs in to F5 Show’s ass like you knew he would. Heyman narrowly escapes Brock’s wrath, and our WWE Champion is left lying in the ring, having become literally the least important part of this entire segment.
And that’s our show! Join us next week for our SmackDown Thanksgiving Special, where Brock Lesnar gets suspended, Edge and Mysterio reunite to battle the John Cena/Matt Hardy superteam, Scott Steiner shows up, Los Guerreros defend against Benoit and Angle, Billy Kidman defends against Crash and Big Show defends against Fabulous Moolah. Not kidding. Make sure to leave a comment below (I read all of them, trust me) and join the Discord. SmackDown!
