Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Torrie Wilson brought the fight to Nidia, Brock Lesnar killed Funaki dead, Edge and Eddie Guerrero went to war, Undertaker got a taste of the Undisputed title and Rey Mysterio barged into Angle and Benoit’s business. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re still on The Road to No Mercy, baby! Next Big Thing!
POP: Team Effort
We open the show with an absolutely terrible recap of last week’s episode, courtesy of Stephanie McMahon. NXT’s been doing recaps to open their shows for a while now, and for what they are, they’re fine. Now then, imagine NXT’s sleep deprived editors trying to work their way through a bad GM narration in the middle of 2002:
“I’m Stephanie McMahon—Stephanie—Stephanie—McMahon—and you’re watching SmackDown—Smack—Smack—SmackDown—Down—SmackDown”
Yeeeeah that’s enough of that. Anyways, Stephanie runs down the card (repeatedly, I might add) before getting to the main course. You ever notice how SmackDown only has two belts? Get ready for two more! Tonight marks the beginning of a tournament to crown the first ever WWE Tag Team Champions™ at No Mercy. This is obviously great, since tournaments are always appreciated and great tag team wrestling is maybe the most beautiful form of wrestling there is. Get ready for those finals, cause shit is about to get good.
POP: Mark the Target
SmackDown actually appreciates its audience so instead of a 25 minute promo, we transition immediately into a tournament match: Los Guerreros vs. Rikishi & Mark Henry. Stinkface Veteran Eddie Guerrero is deathly afraid of Rikishi’s ass, and he should be! As told by Confucius, he who defeats the Stinkface has no barriers left to cross. The Big Boys are definitely big and heavy enough to advance past the first round, but those dirty ruffians target Henry’s leg. Big Markie fights back for a good two seconds before falling prey to, you guessed it, a chairshot. At least they stay away from the head this time. Eddie locks in the Lasso From El Paso, and Los Guerreros are in the semis.
BOTCH: Bikini Kill
Torrie Wilson wishes Billy & Chuck luck in their tournament match, but who’s this? Oh, that’s just Al Wilson, Torrie Wilson’s kayfabe father. Torrie’s bikini rival Dawn Marie barges in to introduce herself, which is certainly very nice of her. Dawn later flashes Al and asks for a second opinion, and Al, noted bikini connoisseur, comments “…looks great”. She’s got this one in the bag, folks. The two ladies face off in an intense battle of who can wear a bikini better. Dawn strips and the crowd cheers, but our reigning and defending bikini contest champion has an ace up her… uh… something: a flesh-colored bikini! Outsmarted again! Dawn quickly attacks the two-time bikini champion, very unbecoming for such a noble sport. The feud marches on!
POP: Propane and Pro-Pain Accessories
While Brock rewatches his heinous attack on the Undertaker from last week, Heyman nervously informs him that Undertaker will get his rematch at No Mercy, one way or the other. He probably wouldn’t have gotten a rematch if you’d just, you know, beat him, but I digress. There’s a catch, though, as Stephanie has added a little stipulation, and she won’t tell Paul what it is. Smart money’s on “Eye for an Eye”. Matt Hardy, who’s really found his calling as Brock’s Dumb Lackey, claims he will KILL the Undertaker in their Falls Count Anywhere match tonight. Yeah, Falls Count Anywhere. Matt seems to be looking for the wrestling mortician equivalent of suicide by cop.
Not sure why Taker needs another easy win over Hardy, considering he kicked Matt’s ass and lost by countout, then kicked Matt’s ass again, then kicked Matt’s ass again. Poor Matt couldn’t even get a count-out win without getting killed every week for the next month. In a pretty funny bit, Hardy runs away screaming “we’ll meet again, Taker!” and immediately walks into a locked door. Brock Lesnar, good friend that he is, shows up to F-5 Taker onto… packing peanuts? Not exactly a gurney, but it’ll do. Anyway, Matt gets the w—MATT GETS THE WIN!? Matt Hardy is 2-1 against the Undertaker! Sure, the wins mean nothing and he got his ass kicked the whole time, but still!
Lesnar takes the opportunity to smash a propane tank against Taker’s hand, effectively injuring him ahead of No Mercy. Can’t wait for Brock to go Pete Dunne on a motherfucker and start working fingers 20 minutes into the match. Matt asks Brock if beating Undertaker makes him the Number 1 Contender (it should) but Stephanie makes another huge announcement: Taker, broken hand or not, will receive his rematch… inside the Hell in a Cell. Oddly enough, Brock and Paul look pretty nervous about this, even though they’re facing a one-handed man in an ass-kicking contest.
BOTCH: Crash and Burn
Crash Holly, our newest Cruiserweight and SmackDown’s hottest signing yet, has won exactly one match since he got here. As expected, that entitles him to a shot against our resident tag team loser/Cruiserweight Champion, Jamie Noble. See, the Cruiserweight Championship is especially prestigious because only the top Cruiserweight talent can challenge for it. You’re not gonna see stiffs like Rey Mysterio getting a shot anytime soon. What’s he done lately? Beat Benoit and Angle in the main event? Pin Jamie Noble? Child’s play. Crash rolled up Hurricane, who doesn’t even work here anymore. That’s a challenger.
Anyway, the match is… a match. Neither of these guys is Rey Fenix, and as good as Jamie is, he works best with an exciting babyface to keep down. These two don’t even go four minutes. Crash sets Jamie up for the Styles C—Crash Landing, sorry, but Jamie reverses into a rollup holding the ropes. This would make some sense if they were setting up a rematch, but this is Crash’s one and only Cruiserweight Championship match in his entire career (edit: It wasn’t). This match could’ve happened on Velocity, except at least Velocity would’ve given them three more minutes.
POP: Ref and A Half
Kurt Angle talks shit to the random SmackDown correspondent whose name I do not know and refuse to look up (yay!) when he’s interrupted by his opponent, Edge. The former Team ECK members previously feuded during Spring, even facing off in a hair vs. hair match. You can probably guess who won that one. Big Money Edge is fresh off his grueling win over Eddie last week, and he gets sucker-punched by Angle, so he’s probably not 100%. Edge works the arm in the early goings, but they just kinda forget about it once Angle takes over. Man, Edge and shoulder psychology just don’t get along. Not that I mind, because the crowd is way into this match. Angle suplexes Edge onto the ref (sheesh) and Edge hits the Edgecution. No ref! Angle low blows Edge and hits the Angle Slam. No ref! A second ref runs down and counts the pin, but Edge kicks out. Yes ref!
Then, uh… how do I recap this… Edge climbs up top and gets superplexed by Angle, but he reverses into a small package. The second ref counts the pin and declares Angle the winner. However, the first ref, who was still in the ring, wakes up and notices Edge is the one rolling up Angle. The refs aggressively point to their eyes and Mike Chioda knocks Mike Sparks out. What was the point of this? Don’t know, but the match gets restarted. Angle grabs a chair, because what else is he gonna do, but gets stopped by eternal blood rival Chris Benoit. He swings the chair at Benoit, smashes it against the top rope, and chairshots himself on the rebound like he’s Kyle O’Reilly. You live by the chair; you die by the chair. Groggy Kurt stumbles into a spear, and Edge gets another W. Man, this match was pretty dope!
Angle goes looking for Benoit backstage and a fight ensues before Stephanie runs in screeching like a banshee. Steph lets the two idiots know that they will team together in the tag tournament next week. Not only that, if they don’t get along, they will be suspended without pay for a year. Two questions: one, why does Stephanie care about Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit being friends considering their rivalry has made for such good TV? Two, was this already part of her bracket and she just didn’t tell them, or is she also booking this tournament on the fly?
BOTCH: Congregation
Billy & Chuck, Gay No More, are scheduled for a tournament match against D-Von and Batista. Of course, Batista kicked D-Von’s ass and left town like a month ago, so Faarooq takes his place. Makes sense, right? Faarooq’s an Acolyte. Billy questions Ron Simmons’ allegiances, so Faarooq grabs a hold of the mic and delivers one of the most intense yet touching promos I’ve heard in a long, long time. It’s one of those rare instances where WWE allows a performer to speak from the heart, which just goes to show how powerful professional wrestling can be when it’s allowed to be genuine:
a—
nah just kidding, Ron drops the mic and kicks their ass. Faarooq assists D-Von with a few Dudley Boyz spots and Spinebusters Billy for the win. Yeah, Billy and Chuck turned face and proceeded to lose under five minutes in the first round of a tag team title tournament to a team that doesn’t even technically exist. Crowd’s so dead for this finish, you could hear a goddamn pin drop. The Nü Acolytes are in the semis!
POP: Two’s Company
Rey Mysterio pinned Chris Benoit in a triple threat last week, so Benoit now gets a chance to go one-on-one with the luchador. In wrestling logic, you’d think Angle would be the one getting this match, since he wasn’t the one pinned, but I’m not complaining. You know, I can talk about menial shit all day long, but SmackDown is so good at this point it’s not even funny. Last week, we had a ladder match to end a blood feud and a triple threat featuring the three best wrestlers in the world. This week, we get Angle vs. Edge and Benoit vs. Mysterio. One of these a callback to a recent rivalry, the other a straight-up dream match. All of this will eventually bleed into the tag team title tournament and lay the groundwork for one of the best matches on the 2000s. This show is on.
This is, to my knowledge, the first and only singles match between Chris Benoit and Rey Mysterio. Pretty damn good! Benoit seethes, growls and absolutely whips Rey’s ass here. He reverses a cazadora into a German suplex and it’s gnarly even by Benoit standards. Rey fights back and sets up the 619, but Benoit avoids it and lands the swandive headbutt for a nearfall. Yeah, just keep getting two-counts off that move man, don’t even worry about it. Benoit avoids the West Coast Pop but, quid pro quo, Kurt Angle shows up to bounce his head off the middle rope. Little Rey gets a rana, and Mysterio’s pins Benoit for the second week in a row! Angle stupidly gets in the ring to jaw at his partner and the boys start suplexing each other again. Oh, these wacky psychotic assholes. Will they ever get along?
And that’s our show! Join us next week as Matt Hardy faces the goddamn Undertaker again, Lesnar and Heyman introduce a very special guest, Angle & Benoit enter the tag team title tournament, Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie do battle once more, Nidia speaks fluent spanish (!!!) and our Undisputed Champion finds himself in a strange tag team match. Make sure to leave a comment below (I read all of them, trust me) and join the Discord. SmackDown!
