Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Halloween! Edge battled Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero battled Kurt Angle, Dawn Marie and Torrie Wilson rolled around in garbage, and Big Show made his in-ring debut and then immediately ruined our main event. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re on The Road to Survivor Series, yes we are! Next Big Thing!
Writer’s note: At the time of writing, it’s October 9th, Eddie Guerrero’s birthday. He would’ve been 53 today. To call him one of the best is an understatement, and every time I sit down to write one of these, I’m reminded of just how good this man really was. He is my favorite wrestler of all time, and he is dearly missed. Viva la raza!
BOTCH: Put A Pin in It
POP: A Cruiserweight Title Program!
In our opener, Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson return for another mixed tag against Jamie Noble and Nidia. They did this match before SummerSlam too, but now I finally get to review it! Lucky me. As you can imagine, I’m not particularly thrilled about reviving the Torrie Wilson/Nidia feud, but this ain’t about that. See, Jamie’s already beaten Tajiri like four times and Rey Mysterio is busy right now, so he’s gonna need a challenger. That’s where Kidman comes in.
Billy already challenged Jamie in a pretty good match at Vengeance, and they continue to be pretty good tonight. Sadly, they’re in a mixed tag, which means they gotta stand around and watch Torrie hit these one-meter-ass dropkicks. This is a Jamie Noble tag team match, so say it with me fellas: “Kidman has pinned the Cruiserweight Champion!” Completely clean, too, not even a roll-up, he just hits his finisher and wins. Jamie really needs to stop signing up to these tag matches, man.
SLIGHT POP: Rap Don’t Pay
SmackDown’s Number 1 Announced Funaki (INDEED!) plays hypeman for John Cena, spitting flames in a backstage interview. Yes, I’m writing all of these down, so you might wanna settle in.
I’m John-C, my style smooth, never choppy
Number 1 Announcer is me, it ain’t Funaki
So Kish wants to release pieces of his feces?
Well, when the match is over, he tastes my cheek’s cheeses
Stop, repeat this, I win, I never lose
Every single match I got a new pair of shoes
Which I can use, as toys or decoys
How am I gonna lose to a lost member of the Fat Boys?
Word Life.
Admittedly, not his best work. Rikishi takes this as a challenge, so he drops a few bars as well. I’m only writing Rikishi’s verse down as a courtesy.
John Cena, you wanna bust around on me?
You better make like a tree and leave
This place, no, this state.
Beat down, no, this is SmackDown
Every time I come around, I put the mash down
The WWE is mine, anybody get in my way? It’s Rikishi time!
So this ain’t the time, this ain’t the place
Get a piece of the Kish… right in yo’ face.
Word to your mother.
Even Tazz raps a little for us: “Ice Ice Baby. Check it G. That’s my rap: I’m Tazz and I got—uh… I’m—I’m a Tazz and you’re a spaz. Hehe!” So many spiritual lyrical miracle individuals on the show tonight. There’s a couple highlights to note: First is Cena trying to get a waist lock on Rikishi and being unable to clasp his hands. Your arms are just too short to box with God, John. Later, Cena attempts to punch ‘Kishi in the ass and breaks his goddamn fist. Cena eats some ass and takes the L, but his day will come… he just needs to get better at rapping first.
POP: First Reformed
Matt Hardy converts his first acolyte tonight, resident Cruiserweight loser Shannon Moore. Moore is the first Mattitude Follower, or MF’er for short. Damn, that’s a funny abbreviation! Never stop doing funny abbreviations, WWE! Matt’s first lesson is to never put sugar in your coffee. How are you gonna let those empty calories into your body like that, Shannon? Yes, Matt Hardy’s been watching his weight. This will become important later. I should mention Matt’s started doing this stupid-ass accent now, but it’s not the one you’re thinking of. I don’t know how to describe it, but I’m pretty sure even Aldous Huxley wouldn’t know how to describe it.
BOTCH: Smarty Matt
Matt is also absolutely insane at this point, so he demands a match with the Big Show, looking to soften him up for Brock. What’s Matt’s end game here, by the way? Like, we know he thinks he can beat the Big Show, but then what? Does he want another match with Brock? Does he think he and Brock are friends? Brock has one friend, and it’s Funaki. Anyways, our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT HATES COLD WEATHER” and “MATT SCORED 1330 ON HIS SAT’S”. Matt is in fact an intellectual, and he knows a big brain can defeat a big man.
Kidding, he gets absolutely destroyed. I’m not sure who the crowd is supposed to cheer for here; Big Show is your top heel, and Matt’s been the single most annoying character on this show for like three months. Show catches Matt off the top rope, Chokeslams him into next week, and cuts a short promo. But surely, that won’t be enough to get under the skin of our WWE Ch—
Oh.
BOTCH: Botch the Question
Al Wilson comes out to cut a promo so bad that Cole and Tazz spend the entire segment riffing on it like it’s MST3K. Except, y’know, MST3K is funny, and this is just two idiots wanking the air. Al tells Dawn that she makes him feel like a man and asks her to marry him. Dawn stalls, so Al adds “Dawn, if you don’t, I will kill myself, I swear to god”. Tazz busts out laughing like a kettle and begs her to say no. She says yes. Torrie runs away crying. The crowd explodes in boos. My notes read “Jesus Fuck Christ No God Fuck Kill Me End My Life God in Heaven Why”
POP: Second Time’s the Charm
After having the best match of the year a couple weeks back at No Mercy, Edge and Mysterio get one more chance at the tag team titles: Two-out-of-three falls. I’m not really sure why it’s 2/3, but I’m an NXT guy, I love me some 2/3. Everything I said about the No Mercy match still applies to this one: the tag champions hate each other, Angle and Mysterio are the best combination in the world, Edge is very popular and Chris Benoit is very, very angry. They’ve perfected the tag formula by this point; any time Edge and Mysterio hit a double team, they get the loudest pop you’ve ever heard. The faces score the first fall six minutes in, and that’s when the tag champions begin to disintegrate. Or disintegrate further, I suppose.
Shortly after, Edge inadvertently runs headfirst into one of the belts, leading to the second fall. So naturally, with just one fall to go, the champs decide to start bickering. Like a scorpion stinging a frog. Except in this metaphor both of them are the scorpion and also the frog. Maybe I should stop writing metaphors for these writeups. After an avalanche back suplex, Angle and Rey get the hot tag, and when I say hot tag, I mean hot tag. I need to stress, these two are fucking magic together. Mysterio rolls Angle up for three, and we got new tag team champions! That is, until the ref notices Angle’s hand grabbing the bottom rope.
The ref calls it off. Sudden death.
The fourth fall starts a little slow, as the heels take turns suplexing Rey. Suplexing Rey Mysterio must be like Christmas morning for Angle and Benoit. The faces hit the 619 into the Spear, but Benoit breaks up the pin with a swandive headbutt… directly onto his own partner. Edge covers Angle, and now we got new tag team champions. Tremendous match, easily in the top 5 so far. Goddamn do I love this show.
SLIGHT POP: Fly Solo
Backstage, Eddie and Chavo attempt to convince Stephanie to give them a tag team title match. I swear, that’s the only thing these guys do nowadays. The Guerreros are cartoon characters, though, which means they physically cannot stop coming onto Steph. Eddie keeps calling her “mamacita”, because he probably doesn’t know any other way to communicate with women. Latino heeeeeat! Stephanie says she will make a huge announcement regarding the tag titles next week on the UPN Special WWE Super Tuesday. The special’s not on the Network, so I won’t take a week off to review it, don’t worry. However! Since Eddie wants a match with the champs so bad, he gets to wrestle Brock Lesnar. Eddie accepts, his mind racing with like 50 interference spots by the second.
The scheming hispanics catch up to Paul Heyman (or, as they call him, “Pablo”) so Brock tries to chase them down the hall while Paul holds him back. See, all night long (all build long, really), Heyman’s been trying to reason with Brock. Trying to keep him calm, keep him ready. Every single thing Brock has accomplished in his career, he’s had Heyman right behind him, moving the pieces into place. But Brock’s off the hinge now, he’s angry, he’s volatile, and he’s doing whatever he wants. So, in layman’s terms, Heyman tells him to fuck off and handle Guerrero on his own.
Granted, at this point Brock could probably handle five or six Guerreros on his own, but that’s beside the point. Despite my love for Eddie Guerrero, most of this match is just Brock throwing Eddie into the sky and watching him land. Eddie gets the upper hand, though, targeting Lesnar’s one true weakness: His dick. Despite some Chavo interference, Brock overcomes quite easily and lands a very anticlimactic F5 for the win. Brock limps a little before going for the cover, as his knee seems to be somewhat messed up. Underwhelming match, but these two will meet again someday. Predictably, Big Show strikes. He attacks Lesnar from behind and then proceeds to absolutely dunk the champ’s ass. The beast is down, Heyman is terrified, and the giant looms. One more week before Survivor Series!
And that’s our show! Join us next week for the go-home to Survivor Series, where each of the new tag team champions wrestle a Guerrero in singles action, the John Cena vs. Rikishi feud (it’s a feud, yes) marches on, Jamie Noble looks to get even against Billy Kidman, Benoit and Angle collide once more, and the WWE Champion walks headfirst into danger. Make sure to leave a comment below (I read all of them, trust me) and join the Discord. SmackDown!
