Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Big Show killed everything in his path, Al Wilson made out with that jezebel Dawn Marie, John Cena got his heat back, Rey and Edge became Number 1 Contenders, Angle and Benoit broke a very breakable trophy, and Jamie Noble did some Elvis shit in Memphis. You can watch Rebellion here. Next Big Thing!
For Queen and Country
Wait, didn’t we have a PPV like… two weeks ago? Yes we did, dear reader! This is Rebellion 2002, a UK exclusive event that’s essentially a bigger, badder house show. It’s also the first SmackDown exclusive PPV of all time, which means I gotta review it. Okay, to be honest with you, I could’ve just skipped this whole show and called it a day, but the main event looks good, so eh, what the hell. Sounds like a nice little departure from our usual program. We’ll be back next week with some more SmackDown, don’t you worry. Welcome to Rebellion! Somebody play Luke Gallows’ theme!
POP: British People Going to Hell for Being British
The best part of this show by a country mile (do the Brits use the metric system?) is watching every single heel on the payroll talk shit on the UK. Nidia gets sick smelling a security guard, Jamie says the british don’t shave, Angle compares Benoit to Europeans (on account of the missing tooth, you see), and Eddie and Chavo cut a whole-ass three-minute promo screaming about Mexico. I wish I could transcribe the whole thing. Eddie says “SIMON” and “VATO” like 10 times per minute, and they think they’re in Germany. They ask Michael Cole if he remembers the Alamo. They even shit on British cuisine! That’s totally fine, by the way, British cuisine sucks and should be mocked. Unless you, the reader, are British, in which case I take back everything I just said.
SLIGHT POP: Go for A Spin
First up is Stephanie McMahon, looking unbelievably good. She announces that, due to being blown the fuck out, Undertaker will not be here tonight to wrestle Matt Hardy. I’m sorry guys, I know you were all looking forward to Taker/Hardy Part XII. Luckily, she’s arranged to have A Very Special Raw wrestler flown in for this special occasion. Why her arch-enemy Eric Bischoff would agree to send one of his guys is beyond me, but hey, Booker’s here!
As mentioned, he’s up against Matt Hardy Version 1. Our Matt Fact for the day? “MATT LOVES ENGLISH MUFFINS”. Gotta love Matt’s new gear: shirt, cargo pants and some scribbled tape like he’s Titty Master Ambrose. The opener is extremely house-show-ish, lots of posing, some funny spots, some chinlocks for Booker to escape. They do their moves and the crowd goes nuts. Booker eventually reverses the Twist of Fate into a Scissors Kick, which makes sense in motion, trust me. Book says he came here for one reason and one reason only, so he makes sure to hit that Spinaroonie. Good vibes all around.
BOTCH: Star-Crossed
The two hottest feuds on SmackDown come together for Torrie Wilson & Billy Kidman vs. Dawn Marie & John Cena. Cena and Kidman had an underwhelming match on SmackDown last week. Meanwhile, Torrie and Dawn have been having non-whelming matches for like two months. Like, I’m not disappointed in them, I’m just tired. I should mention that Torrie and Billy have been dating for like three years now, so they have some chemistry. And by that, I mean they perform a double-team spanking on Dawn. Some serious tag team cohesion.
The ladies get involved quite a bit, including a really weird spot where Good Guy John Cena threatens to sexually abuse Torrie. I felt bad writing that. Dawn and Torrie do the “roll over the ref” spot (again) but Mike Sparks wises up to it and leaps over them like a PS1 platformer. Billy, ever the opportunist, gets between them and grabs a handful. What a weirdo. Kidman lands a Shooting Star Press on Cena for the fall… well, “lands” isn’t the word I’m looking for here. He misses by a whole foot and headbutts Cena in the shoulder, but at least nobody dies. Torrie makes out with Billy afterwards, proving that you don’t need a perfect Shooting Star Press to get the girl.
BOTCH: War (2007)
SmackDown’s Number 1 Announcer Funaki (INDEED!) steps between the ropes against Crash Holly. Or just Crash. It says “Holly” on the tights but they don’t call him that anymore. Remember Big E Langston? Remember Antonio Cesaro? Crash and Funaki are in the Cruiserweight division but neither is in title contention, which is pretty sad. You gotta be low on the totem pole to not even classify for a Cruiserweight Championship match at this point.
Crash pulls a bandana out of his trunks, and it’s obvious this man does not know who he’s fucking with. Do you really wanna try your mall karate against Kung Fu Naki bro? Now is as good time as any to point out that Tazz does not give a single shit on this show, he’s just saying whatever he pleases. I mean, he’s always like that, but now you can really hear it, you know? He’s popping himself every sentence. As I’m writing this, Funaki beats Crash with a roll-up. This will surely bring him one step closer to a title shot. Probably on Velocity.
SLIGHT POP: 629
Speaking of the Cruiserweight Championship, Rey Mysterio FINALLY shows up to the goddamn party. Jamie defends the belt against Tajiri and Rey-Rey in a Three-Way Dance tonight. That sounds awesome, right? Except instead of having a dope-ass WCW style spotfest, Tajiri gets eliminated like four minutes in. What the fuck was the point of that? My man hit one handspring spot and dipped. Why even make it elimination? If it was one-fall to a finish, Tajiri could eat the deciding fall and Rey stays protected.
I really like Tajiri okay, leave me alone.
Fortunately, the rest of the match is pretty good. Jamie’s got his worker boots on tonight and Rey’s the best opponent for him. They get the crowd hyped up, do some neat nearfalls and proceed to fuck it up with the same anticlimactic roll-up finish they always do. Why can’t I love you, Cruiserweight division? Why can’t I love you?! Rey vents his frustration by hitting a double 619 on the Golden Lovers. No, we’re not getting a great 15-minute Rey Mysterio/Jamie Noble singles match, stop asking.
BOTCH: Moons Over Morley
Next up is… uh… D-Von and Ron Simmons vs. Chuck Palumbo and Val Venis. Yeah, this made the card. See, this is what happens when you do a SmackDown-only PPV, first you call Booker T and then you book Sean Morley, who hasn’t been on SmackDown since July. Where the hell is Mark Henry? Val is subbing in for an injured Billy Gunn, except now he’s called “The Big Valbowski”. Wasn’t “Big Valbowski” supposed to be the name of Val’s dick? Wouldn’t that make him The Bigger Valbowski? This is, coincidentally, Val’s last SmackDown appearance before jumping ship to Raw. He and Chuck lose via roll-up, with D-Von exposing Chuck’s entire ass to the crowd. You don’t have to do 8 match cards, guys.
BOTCH: (Royal) Prince Albert
Albert, who also hasn’t been on SmackDown yet, wrestles Rikishi in a “Kiss My Arse” match. I wonder who’s gonna win this one! Albert’s still a few months away from his big SmackDown return, and a few years away from going to Japan and doing really well for himself. Right now, he’s just a big heel very low on the card. Like, barely above Bill DeMott in terms of importance. He does some heel stuff, exposes a turnbuckle, runs into it and eats a Rump Shaker.
Albert tries to leave without eating ass, but the ref counts to ten. If he doesn’t kiss Rikishi’s ass, he’s suspended without pay. That’s… actually kinda cool. Remember that Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus feud where Sheamus lost a Kiss My Ass match and then didn’t kiss Dolph’s ass? Of course you don’t, but I do, and I can’t tell you how happy I am that they’re imposing consequences here. Just kidding, Albert punches Rikishi in the dick and forces him to kiss his ass. Rikishi reverses and Stinkfaces Albert, whose lips don’t even come anywhere near ‘Kishi’s cheeks. This is stupid.
Out of sheer boredom, Rikishi dances a little jig with Tazz, Cole and Tony Chimel. They dance horribly but they sure love to have fun!
POP: Leapfrog
Edge and Rey Mysterio defeated Eddie and Chavo to become Number 1 Contenders for the WWE Tag Team Championships on SmackDown. Tonight, Benoit and Angle face their first challengers… Eddie and Chavo. I understand this is a glorified house show, and house shows tend to make title matches out of the blue, but doesn’t it kinda kill the purpose of a Number 1 Contender’s match when you give the losing team first dibs? Doesn’t matter, it’s Eddie and Chavo vs. the Can-Am Connection. I’m happy with this. Benoit and Angle are still feuding, but now instead of fighting, they see who can suplex a Guerrero the hardest.
The crowd adores Angle, though I’m pretty sure they should realistically be cheering from Benoit. I mean, he’s from the Commonwealth, isn’t he the closest thing this show has to a brit? Eddie and Chavo do some textbook heel tagging on Benoit for a while until he decides to stop fucking around and hit a Powerbomb. You’ve never seen a Powerbomb till you’ve seen a Benoit Powebomb, he whips Eddie so hard his entire body ricochets off the canvas. This match is pretty dope but it’s mostly just a move-for-move remake of their tournament semifinals match from a few weeks back. That match was fantastic though, so this one’s still really good. Fast, near-flawless action between the two best tag teams in the company, with the volatile champs surviving another day by the skin of their teeth. Now, let’s see if we can get to the actual Number 1 Contenders.
POP: Edge’s Big Break
In our main event, Edge gets a crack at the WWE Championship as he battles Brock Lesnar… and Paul Heyman. This is a handicap match: if Edge pins Heyman, he takes the belt. Brock makes sure to warn Paul that if he costs him the title, he’ll rip his spine out and jam it back in. What’s funny is, Heyman doesn’t even have any gear on, he shows up in a business suit with fist-tape. He says he left his gear at home after Undertaker got injured off the show and… wait, so was Taker booked against Brock? I thought he was wrestling Matt. It says “EDGE / BROCK LESNAR” right there on the stage, there’s no way you didn’t know this match was happening. Also, you’re telling me you didn’t pack a single t-shirt to a UK tour?
This is, to my knowledge, Edge’s first shot at the WWE title, and he’s the perfect challenger for Brock to bully around. Face Edge vs. Lesnar sounds great on paper, and it’s certainly worth a look. It won’t blow you away, but there’s something to be said about two of the biggest stars of the 2000s crossing paths for one night only. Brock’s at his peak, and Edge is almost there. Brock dominates Edge, the babyface fights back, and the presence of Heyman gives Edge a bit of an… uh, edge. They do a little ref bump near the end, and while I generally dislike those, it leads to a fantastic finishing sequence. Lesnar retains the title (like we knew he would), but not without the help of a steel chair. I was wondering where those steel chairs were! Wouldn’t be a SmackDown show without it.
And that’s our show! Join us next week for a very special Halloween SmackDown! where Edge goes one-on-one with Chris Benoit, Kurt Angle battles Eddie Guerrero, Big Show wrestles his first SmackDown match, Brock Lesnar takes on Rey Mysterio and we witness the arrival of Vanilla Ice John Cena. That’s a hell of a card right there. Make sure to leave a comment below (I read all of them, trust me) and join the Discord. SmackDown!
