Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Team Angle proved unsuccessful in singles efforts, Bill DeMott took an L, The Undertaker returned to challenge the Big Show, Matt Hardy got very mad at Shannon Moore, Kurt Angle defeated Rey Mysterio, Hulk Hogan began a big bad feud with the owner, and Brock Lesnar wasn’t there. He’s not here tonight, either! You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re still on The Road to No Way Out, baby! Next Big Thing!
SLIGHT POP: Still on This Train
A little under two months ago, the A-Train made an impact, as they say, by taking out the smallest dude on the roster. In his rise to the main event, the former Prince Albert ran through Rey Mysterio and injured his knee. Which honestly isn’t that impressive, I’m pretty sure Rey injured his knee getting into his car last week. Anyways, now that the Main Event A-Train (Train Event?) project is over, Rey can get his win back and move up the card. Rey takes a page out of Future John Cena’s book and shows up wearing all his merch at once. Cole says “Just ask the Undertaker, the A-Train’s got some momentum going for himself!” …The A-Train that just tapped out to an armpit hold under six minutes last week? We talking about the same guy here?
Rey’s maybe the best small guy of all time, and Train is a very competent big man, so these two are a lot of fun together… provided Rey doesn’t overshoot a leg drop and completely miss his opponent. How do you miss A-Train? You couldn’t possibly find a bigger target. Train lands the Derailer on Rey and, just like last week, it only gets two. I don’t think that’s Train’s finisher, cause if it is, that’s almost Skull-Crushing Finale levels of ineffectiveness. Rey gets Train in position for 619 but takes too long and falls victim to Train’s actual finisher: the Trainwreck. Train pins Rey clean, because it seems A-TRAIN was the guy that needed his win back the most. Hey, at least it’s a reasonably good hoss getting a push and not, I dunno, Bill DeMott. The Train Event rolls on!
???: Runaway Dogg
Los Guerreros will be defending their WWE Tag Team Championships next week, but tonight they still got John Cena to deal with. This Cena/Guerrero feud’s been running for a while, but this is the first Eddie/Cena singles match. Ever. So that’s neat! Recall, Cena got rid of Buchanan two weeks ago and is now accompanied by his Big Redd Dogg, Rodney Mack. Or maybe you forgot that. Don’t worry, you’ll forget this, too. Matter of fact, I believe this is Redd’s second and last appearance on SmackDown before jumping to Raw and fading into obscurity. Can’t chain a Redd Dogg down. Cena raps to the ring, as he does. He insults the Green Bay Packers (guess where we are tonight) and says the Peso is worthless. You don’t know the half of it, John. Cena’s wearing extremely long red shorts tonight, which are somehow a step above his usual gear.
Cena’s offense still isn’t all that (brother doesn’t even have a finisher), but he and Eddie have an inoffensive match. It’s a weird dynamic, though; Cena’s an asshole, yet the Guerreros continue to work heel. It’d be fine if the Guerreros were doing it to retaliate, but no, they strike first. Chavo attacks Cena on the outside and then Redd Dogg attacks Eddie, but we don’t like Redd Dogg, fuck him! The finish plays into it, at least: Dogg sweeps Eddie’s leg and distracts him, so Cena goes up top for his mystery finisher. Chavo climbs up and knocks Cena down, allowing Eddie to hit a gorgeous Frog Splash for the win. Tit for tat, and the Cena/Guerrero feud is over… for now. Pour one out for Redd Dogg, and may we never forget that time he attacked Bull Buchanan and then did nothing of use.
POP: Matt vs. Billy (by proxy)
Matt Hardy’s issues with Billy Kidman continue as his protégé, Shannon Moore, steps up against the Cruiserweight Champion. Please take note of Matt’s satin dragon shirt above. Matt Hardy’s continued embodiment of early 2000s fashion is nothing short of awe-inspiring. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT THINKS SHANNON HAS AN IOTA OF MATTITUDE” and “MATT WAS THE LONGEST SURVIVING SMACKDOWN SUPERSTAR IN THE RUMBLE”. This isn’t a title match, cause apparently Billy’s working a 2018 Lesnar schedule and only defends that belt every four months. Still, Billy’s extremely over, the crowd explodes when his music starts playing. Surely WWE will capitalize on this and give Billy a big main event program! I’m kidding, but look me in the eyes and tell me don’t want Billy Kidman vs. Kurt Angle at No Way Out.
Kidman/Moore is alright, starts slow and quickly picks up. The SmackDown Cruiserweights are interesting in that they don’t work the slow pace of the 2016-2017 Raw Cruisers nor the speedball pace of the WCW Cruisers. They work just slow enough to make the cool spots really pop without dragging the matches down. It’s not a human highlight reel, but the Cruiserweight matches, while low-key, are consistently on the good side. Matt helps Shannon get the advantage on Kidman, but Billy hilariously hot shots him out of the sky, avoids more Matt interference, and lands a Shooting Star Press for the victory.
To spice things up, Matt attacks Shannon’s opponent this time around and hits two Twists of Fate on Billy. I know what you’re thinking, “oh, so Matt’s gonna manage Shannon to a Cruiserweight title win while he goes after the WWE title!”. Yes, that’s right. That’s exactly what we’re doing.
POP: Rock, Hollywood
Once again, Mr. McMahon is in the building tonight. Settle in, he’ll be in the building a lot this coming year. He meets up with Stephanie and lets her know he has a big surprise himself, even bigger than Hulk Hogan. I’m thinking it’s Disco Inferno. Vince grabs a mic, argues with the fans, and even repeats his Al Wilson joke from last week. I told you he was proud of that one. He corrects himself and says that, while Hulkamania is not dead, it is on life support.
And it is because of each and every one of you that Hulkamania still lives. It’s because [of] each and every one of you who blow your hot air into the respirator of Hulkamania that keeps Hulk Hogan’s lifeless body alive!
That’s not the only good Vince quote tonight, as he immediately goes “You people don’t know who you’re cheering for, you don’t know Hogan. You don’t know him like I know him” Vince calls Hogan a cold, calculating, manipulative, man-eating predator. A man so practiced in the art of deception; he tricked thousands of people into believing in him. Damn, who would’ve thought VINCE MCMAHON of all people would be vindicated by history? It’s a fantastic promo, as are most of Vince’s promos before time really took its toll on him. Vince claims Hogan owes him. He created Hulkamania, and now Hogan has the gall to strike him down. And, uh… yeah, I guess he’s right. Vince DID create Hulkamania, that’s not really up for debate.
As for Hogan’s challenge, Vince says the Hulkster will get his match at No Way Out. In one corner, Hulk Hogan, and all his Hulkamaniacs. And (by god) in the other corner, none other than… The Rock. Such a good switch. It’s Rock vs. Hogan II at No Way Out. That should be good, right? I shouldn’t be worried about how no-one’s ever, ever brought up that match in conversation in the last 17 years, right? Vince leaves the ring to end the segment, but not before passing it down to the People’s Champ himself, live via satellite. Ladies and gentlemen… Hollywood Rock. Bald head, sunglasses, the whole shebang turned up to 11. For a lot of people, this is the definitive Rock. Honestly, the one thing I regret about not reviewing Raw is that I’ll miss most of the good Rock content, but let’s enjoy him while he’s around.
Sometimes you sit down, and you watch one of his movies, and you forget just how good Rock really is. As much as they like to use “electrifying” because it looks good on a t-shirt, I honestly can’t think of anything more fitting. Rock starts the whole promo off by insulting Green Bay, and about sixty seconds later, the crowd’s screaming his catchphrases at his beck and call. Rock is unquestionably guilty of phoning it in, especially in the 2010s, but when he’s on, holy shit he’s on. Nobody’s ever understood how to talk in pro-wrestling the way Rock has. His cadence, his timing, his volume. He’s a ball of energy. And he’s at a stage in his career where he can get any crowd in the palm of his hand and IMMEDIATELY turn into the biggest, handsomest asshole the world has ever seen, all in under a minute.
Rock does his schtick and tells Hogan (very loudly, might I add) that he’ll beat him at No Way Out. And so, the main event is set. Rock vs. Hogan II. I don’t know what to expect.
BOTCH: Booking Feuds for Dummies
Two weeks ago, Bill DeMott defeated Rikishi. Last week, Rikishi defeated Bill DeMott. This leaves us with the much-anticipated Bill DeMott/Rikishi rubber match. Now listen, I understand that the bookers will literally die Dorian Gray style if they don’t book Rikishi to feud with everyone that shows up on SmackDown. A Rikishi/Bill DeMott feud was about as inevitable as old age. What I don’t understand is why exactly they felt the need to book the exact same singles match three weeks in a goddamn row. The Rikishi/John Cena feud wasn’t Mox vs. Kingston either but at least they had a rap battle, y’know? I will say, despite the fact it’s Rikishi vs. Bill DeMott III, it’s easily the best of the trilogy. Heavy praise, eh.
DeMott still has a cast on his arm, and they keep that in mind for most of the match. There’s a few neat spots, like DeMott reversing a belly-to-belly with a headbutt or Rikishi avoiding the Moonsault with an Electric Chair drop. Sadly, it seems feuding with Rikishi rubbed some of John Cena’s bullshit onto DeMott, and we get a prime Cena finish. Rikishi goes for a DDT and DeMott holds onto the rope to slip out of it (classic) then rolls Rikishi up with possibly the worst dirty pin this world has ever seen. Holy shit, look at that. Let’s see, not only is there absolutely no leverage on Rikishi’s shoulders, but from the ref’s point of view, DEMOTT’S LEVITATING TWO FEET OFF THE GROUND. Well, that’s it for Rikishi and DeMott (I hope), which means now we can move onto—
oh god
oh god, YES
POP, I GUESS?: Man With No Plan
Hold your horses, Taker’s here for Big Show. Paul Heyman has plenty of experience dealing with the Undertaker, so to keep the odds in their favor, he’s given Show the night off. While roaming backstage, Heyman runs into future Cruiserweight and Interim WWE Champion (shut up, he was) Brian Kendrick. For those unaware, Brian is a Shawn Michaels trainee, one of the dark horses of WWE in the aughts. He’ll eventually become known for holding the tag titles for almost a year alongside Paul London and hitting a Burning Hammer on Kota Ibushi. He was last seen on 205 Live and may or may not be retired. Nobody knows, it’s 205. A light bulb pops up over Heyman’s head and he offers Brian his first big break. Oh, kid’s gonna break, alright.
Back to live action, Taker calls out Show and sits around musing until he shows up. “Shows” up. You ever notice how “Big Show” is a very stupid name? Anyways, Big Show’s theme plays, and out comes Heyman. He introduces us to Bell Boy Brian, riding down to ringside in an oversized Budapest Hotel costume. His theme song is comprised entirely of bike bell rings. Kendrick gives Taker a singing telegram on Show’s behalf.
Oh, he’s… really, really sorry!
Yes, he’s really, really sorry!
He’ll never, ever do it!
Oh no, he’ll never do it!
(Big finish now!)
He’ll never, ever do it a-gaaaaaaaain! Ta!
And the best part? He asks Taker for a tip. Taker respects Spanky’s guts, so he takes it in good spirits and lets it slide. He gives Brian a hundred bucks and asks him to do his number again… and then powebombs him into the earth’s core. Oh, and he takes his money back, too. Remember: always kill the messenger.
POP: Satan Says Drugs Are Cool!
The Devil’s Advocate Sean O’Haire is back, here to tell us to succumb to our vices and abandon our families. I’m starting to think this guy might not have my best interests in mind. But it’s strange, it… it feels like he’s telling me something I already know…
POP: The Kurt Business
In the final SmackDown of 2002, Paul Heyman introduced the world to Team Angle, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin. With two of the hottest, most talented young athletes under Kurt Angle’s tutelage, it seemed like the sky was the limit. Unfortunately, they’ve been kinda sucking as of late! I don’t mean talent-wise, they’re fantastic wrestlers, but they’ve lost all their tag matches via DQ and are 1-3 in singles action combined. Since Edge and Chris Benoit got wins over the boys in singles last week, tonight they try their luck in tags (again) with one caveat: the winner challenges for the tag straps next week. Even though, I reiterate, Team Angle have 0 tag wins and probably shouldn’t be in the conversation. But hey, with B² gone, SmackDown’s back to having three tag teams, let’s get some juice out of ‘em!
There’s something about the words “Number 1 Contender’s” that elevates any match from good to great. I don’t know if it’s the inherent stakes, the promise of a future title match, or just a placebo effect, but I never get tired of these. Kurt sits in on commentary for this one, at least until Edge starts to get an edge. I wrote that sentence down, I refuse to delete it. Edge gets a hot tag and takes out Angle in a sequence that probably could’ve ended the match if we weren’t three minutes in. We even get a Benoit suicide dive; those are as rare as it gets. For good reason, mind you. It’s a great tag bout, as is SmackDown tradition. The faces have plenty of chemistry and the heels, despite the inexperience, work a smart match. Shelton pulling the ropes away from Edge is some galaxy-brained stuff.
Team Angle sweep Edge’s leg, then spend the entire second half targeting it. Benoit gets a fantastic hot tag, but Team Angle regains the advantage and hit their rope-hung leapfrog guillotine thingy. They set Benoit up for their tag finisher (a Superkick into a German Suplex) but Benoit dodges and Shelton knocks every single one of Charlie’s teeth down his throat. Edge neutralizes Angle and Benoit lands the headbutt, but Shelton kicks out. Charlie tries to interfere and eats a Spear for his troubles, so Angle takes advantage of the scuffle and smashes Benoit with the title. Shelton covers Benoit, and Team Angle are Number 1 Contenders. Not the strongest finish, as Shelton and Charlie could’ve used a slightly more decisive victory, but I can’t knock a good SmackDown tag. Team Angle are coming for Los Guerreros, sounds like appointment viewing to me.
And that’s our show! Join us next time as Rey Mysterio looks for a win against Jamie Noble, Rikishi begins a feud with some other dude, the Undertaker receives a gift from Big Show, Matt Hardy squares up against Billy Kidman, John Cena makes an earth-shattering challenge, Team Angle take on Los Guerreros for the WWE Tag Team Championships and Chris Benoit battles Kurt Angle for the WWE title in a Royal Rumble rematch. What did I say? Appointment viewing. Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
