Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Ernest Miller tried and failed to fill in for Tazz, Brock Lesnar was suspended, Rey and Edge lost to the two worst heavyweights on the roster, Tajiri brought the Poison Mist back in style, Scott Steiner harassed SmackDown talent, Los Guerreros and Kidman retained their titles and Big Show almost killed an old lady. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re on The Road to Armageddon, yes we are! Next Big Thing!
BOTCH: Where the Big Boys Play
First things first: Tazz is back, thank god. You never realize how much you love your weird Red Hook Oompa Loompas until they’re gone. Speaking of comebacks, meet Albert. We got a taste of him (yuck) back at the UK show, but this is our first look at him on the blue brand. He’s essentially a big bald dude with enough back hair to cover his scalp and… that’s it, really. Don’t get me wrong, he’s better than most boring big guys, but there’s not much to him. I do love the fact that his name is just “Albert”, though. Like, imagine a wrestler named “Larry”. Imagine WALTER but instead of WALTER he’s just “Walter”.
His first opponent tonight is Rey, which works well enough. Rey’s good against most people, and baldie’s got a couple cool moves. Albert reverses the West Coast Pop into a Canadian Backbreaker and, uh… pins Rey clean in under 3 minutes. In the opener. Yes, Albert. In an attempt to make an impact as they say, he puts Rey in the tree of woe and injures his knee with a steel chair. Rey’s partner Edge doesn’t get there in time, but he attacks Albert backstage, because Edge/Albert is clearly the feud you want. Still, why are we using Rey Mysterio (who just lost to Cena and Hardy, mind you) to put Albert over? Am I gonna have to write the same rant every week? Sure, in terms of big men, you could do a lot worse than Albert, but why Rey? What, was Funaki busy jobbing to Bill DeMott?
BOTCH: Funaki Was Busy Jobbing to Bill DeMott
Yeah, aside from Albert, we also get a visit from big Bill DeMott, AKA former WCW guy Hugh Morrus (a clever play on “humorous”), AKA General Hugh G. Rection (…), AKA that guy you read about in 2015. Bill is just coming off his stint as a trainer in WWE’s reality show Tough Enough, where I’m sure he was a pleasure to work with. SmackDown’s Number 1 Announcer Funaki (INDEED!) interviews DeMott to talk about Tough Enough and Bill gets offended for no reason. I’m serious, Funaki’s like “I loved you in Tough Enough 3” and Bill starts screaming I’VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS ELEVEN YEARS in poor Funaki’s face. Kung Fu ain’t even ask a question yet dude, chill.
Funaki’s not the type to get pushed around by someone wearing a bandana, so he challenges DeMott to a match. Bill comes out to Marc Mero’s theme, one of the real Jim Johnston deep cuts. Sounds like the default Create-a-Wrestler theme on an N64 Acclaim wrestling game. DeMott’s new gimmick is that of a grizzled vet who’s spent eleven whole years in this business, in case I haven’t made that clear. Tazz points out how Bill was saddled with terrible gimmicks in WCW, and that having to deal with young upstarts in Tough Enough made him realize how much he’s been disrespected. What, you didn’t like Hugh G. Rection? That gimmick was money!
Of course, the issue is, 1) Bill DeMott isn’t especially threatening or interesting from an in-ring standpoint, and 2) 11 years really isn’t that long by modern standards. I’m pretty sure half the guys down in NXT right now have been wrestling eleven years. Bill beats Funaki up in non-impressive fashion, but at least he finishes with a pretty good looking Moonsault. Just keep hitting that Moonsault Bill, it’ll get you places.
???: As Seen on The Tron
The big Scott Steiner Will He/Won’t He arc continued last Monday on Raw, where we learned Scotty definitely tapped that. Stephanie out there taking one for the team. Freakzilla will be live next week to officially sign with SmackDown, though. We still get some Stephanie content (because we need to have at least 20 minutes dedicated to this woman every week, it seems) when she announces Brock Lesnar WILL appear tonight… on video. Just look how upset he is!
Brock cuts a short promo by himself to remind us why Paul hung around him for so long. Brock’s voice just never matched his body, did it? Before he can express how Show and Heyman “raped him of the title” (his words, not mine), the two Pauls interrupt. Heyman tells Brock he’s simply a petulant child who stepped out of line and had to be spanked. A lot of spanking here on SmackDown these past few weeks, huh. Heyman hypes up the title match at Armageddon, and Lesnar says he can’t wait to see it… in person. Oh, that Brock. I’m sure he’s just bluffing.
BOTCH: Bottom Feeder
Jamie Noble challenges Crash Holly in a bid to determine the biggest loser in the Cruiserweight Division of the non-Funaki variety. Jamie’s losing streak is still going strong, but Crash himself hasn’t won a match on SmackDown since Hurricane was around, and that was September. Nidia goes on commentary to talk about Jamie’s crazy cousin Nunzio, who is, and I quote, “bad news”. Are we talking mafia bad news or gavel and scissor lift bad news?
Her commentary stint lasts all of one minute, though, as she goes back to ringside to put Jamie’s foot on the bottom rope. Crash notices this and randomly decides to force himself onto his coworker’s girlfriend, then chase her around the ring like a Tex Avery character. Crash is the face in this situation, by the way. Jamie tries to defend his lady’s honor but Crash quickly reverses into the Styles Crash (pictured) for the win. After losing like a total chump (to Crash Holly, of all people), Jamie’s left with one choice: He must return to the fold. Mark your calendars, Nunzio debuts next week!
POP: Guerreros de Oro
Los Guerreros have a shot at making history tonight: Chavo challenges Billy Kidman for the Cruiserweight title and Eddie enters a four corners Number 1 Contender’s match for the WWE title. Assuming they win both matches (and assuming Eddie beats Show at Armageddon), this would make Eddie and Chavo the first dyad in WWE history to hold Heavyweight, Cruiserweight and tag gold at the same damn time. Which sounds dope, I’m not gonna lie. Like, imagine if that Brock/Tajiri alliance had gone somewhere and they just hogged all the belts for themselves? Beast & The East left us too soon, man…
Billy Kidman is now getting a sizeable pop, thanks in part to being booked like a competent champ. Still, the one thing Billy needs right now is a decisive defense against a serious contender (sorry Tajiri) and Chavo is just the guy for the job. Aside from a botched sunset flip, it’s a fine title match. These guys aren’t going full tilt like some of the old WCW cruisers used to, but that’s the new formula. Good pace, no pauses and the occasional cool cruiserweight move.
Chavo narrowly avoids the SSP, but he’s forced to resort to his finisher: hitting people with a title belt. Billy has seen a Chavo Guerrero match before, though, so he catches Chavo off guard and lands the Shooting Star for the pin. “Midcard champ defends his title against one of the tag champions” is a very satisfying booking trope, and the Cruiserweight belt is finally starting to pick up some steam. Good stuff.
BOTCH: Lose Yourself
Continuing the undisputed Feud Of The Year, John Cena and Rikishi square off in a Hip-Hop Challenge. SmackDown’s getting really comfy with these dumbass segments, huh? Seems like every week we’re spending at least ten minutes on a lingerie/bikini/pilgrim’s fashion whatever. At least Al Wilson stayed home. Tazz spends the whole segment mocking Cena’s clothes while Rikishi stands directly to the left of him wearing RIKISHI PHAT WEAR™. Motherfucker’s got a branded bandana for chrissakes. Like, look at that picture and tell me Cena’s the goofy one here.
Cena’s rapping is pretty weak this episode so I won’t bother transcribing it, but it’s at least better than whatever Rikishi’s doing. Kishi does a fifteen second pause after every line like he’s trying to remember what he wrote down yesterday, and his biggest burn is calling Cena an “Eminem wannabe”. Which is like calling Razor Ramon “Scarface” like, yeah, that’s the joke. Cena and B² throw hands and even Tazz gets hit, so he locks Cena in the Tazzmission. Tazz choking the shit out of an active competitor? 2002 was a wild time.
POP: Final Four
Finally, the main event (sort of): Edge vs. Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle, Number 1 Contender’s match for the WWE Championship at Armageddon. When you think “SmackDown Six”, this is the image you think of. Edge comes out first but, due to suffering from Parallel Feud Syndrome, he’s immediately injured by a chair-wielding Albert. They take Edge to the back but he quickly hobbles back out, unwilling to let his dream slip away. This leaves Edge, the handsome young fan-favorite, alone in the wild on a bum wheel with three of the most dangerous assholes in wrestling history. He’s practically Liam Neeson at the end of The Grey.
It’s an elimination match as well, which means Edge can’t just survive the boys, he needs to outlast them. Kurt’s smiling like a kid in an ankle-shaped candy store. A store that sells candy shaped like an ankle, not a store shaped like an ankle that sells can—you know what, forget I said anything. The bell rings and the jackals immediately bumrush Edge and beat his ass, because giving these three an injured limb is like throwing meat to a dog.
It’s a multi-man, so we inevitably get some “two in the ring, the rest on the outside” action. And while I’m a little bummed at the lack of four-man Rube Goldberg spots, the match still rules. There’s kickouts galore: Kurt kicks out of the Frog Splash, then Eddie kicks out of the Headbutt, then Benoit kicks out of the Edgecution, then Edge kicks out of the Angle Slam, then Kurt kicks out of the Edgecution. I’m not crazy about kickout fests, but you could argue these are all secondary finishers (Benoit and Angle have primary submission finishers, Eddie’s been using the Lasso From El Paso and Edge is currently beating people with the Spear) so it’s not exactly Cole vs. Gargano.
Eddie’s the first one out, tapping to the Crossface after getting caught with a Spear. Eddie’s not the forgiving kind, so he runs back in to smash a belt into Benoit’s head, leaving Chris wide open for another spear. Edge eliminates Benoit, now all he’s gotta do is beat the wrestling machine with a leg fixation. What could’ve been a fun but simple four-way becomes the story of Edge climbing a mountain on one leg. Sure, he made it through Eddie and Benoit, but now he’s in there with the worst possible opponent, completely focused on putting him out.
As mentioned, Kurt kicks out of the Edgecution (and also a Spear, but why not, it’s a big match). Though Edge survives the Ankle lock three times, he climbs to the top out of desperation. I don’t know why, since the only top rope move he knows is a missile dropkick. I guess we’ll never know, as Angle catches him off the top with one final avalanche Angle Slam for the victory. Big Show attacks after the bell, cause he’s barely been in this episode. Crazy good match; Angle’s going to Armageddon and we got one whole week to build to it.
BOTCH: A Decent Proposal
In a shocking twist, after what feels like six months, we learn the true scope of Dawn Marie’s twisted plan. See, Dawn may be in love with Al Wilson (allegedly) but he’s not the only Wilson she’s interested in. Dawn tells Torrie she’s willing to call off the wedding if Torrie performs a little favor for her. She then gives Torrie her hotel keycard. If you’re thinking “gratuitous lesbian angle”, then you’re thinking correct. Torrie and a camera crew head to Dawn’s hotel room after the four-way, making this the actual main event. The camera fades to black to end the show before anything happens, but don’t worry, this will pay off. Eventually.
And that’s our show! Join us THIS week for our go-home show, as B² makes his in-ring debut, Bill DeMott continues his Cruiserweight Destruction Tour, Los Guerreros defend the tag team titles against Benoit and Kidman, Scott Steiner signs a contract (maybe) and Edge and Kurt Angle join forces to battle Big Show and Albert. Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
