Happy new year, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Los Guerreros defended the tag titles against Billy Kidman and Edge, Rikishi defeated John Cena’s proxy, Kurt Angle introduced his protegés, Chris Benoit became Number 1 Contender and Brock Lesnar wasn’t there. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re on The Road to Royal Rumble, yes we are! Next Big Thing!
Writer’s note: On Saturday the 26th, we lost Jon Huber, better known to wrestling fans as Brodie Lee or Luke Harper. Jon was coming off a star-making year in AEW, and he had so much more left to give. Despite the grief, this past week has been a surreal experience; the universal appreciation the wrestling world had for Brodie is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. The sheer amount of lives this man touched is downright unbelievable, and I’m grateful we got to see him shine. Rest easy, bossman.
BOTCH: Cena’s Push
The somehow two-month long John Cena/Rikishi rivalry comes to an explosive end tonight in an extremely pedestrian singles match. Cena opens the show rapping, and while I’m not gonna write it down, I will say he’s gone through a lot of work just to call Rikishi fat. Match starts alright, but unfortunately it goes from a blood feud to a house show affair pretty quick. ‘Kishi gets a hot start until Cena grabs a chinlock and, in classic John Cena fashion, starts calling spots louder than the fucking THX intro.
The match ends before it really gets started, as Cena pushes the ref into the ropes while B² distracts Rikishi. For some reason the ref assumes Rikishi did it, even though he was standing DIRECTLY TO HIS SIDE. Since he’s forgotten the fundamental laws of motion, the ref scolds Rikishi and Cena rolls him up for the win in under four minutes. John Cena gets his first big(ish) singles win, and Rikishi chases the heels through the crowd. Word life.
BOTCH: A Jobber Your Own Size
As you’ll recall (unless you habitually forget Bill DeMott matches, in which case, good for you) Bill DeMott’s been beating up shitty Cruiserweights for the past four weeks in a row. Last time, I suggested he wrestled a heavyweight, say, Chuck Palumbo. This week, Bill DeMott wrestles Chuck Palumbo. Great job! Chuck’s power level is more or less on-par with Jamie Noble’s right now, though, so it’s not like Bill’s wrestling Jeff Cobb or anything. Even Cole and Tazz talk shit on Bill for getting cozy with the smallest dudes on the roster, which is refreshing. Chuck steps up and gets a slight measure of offense before DeMott beats him with the Slop Drop. Yeah, not even a Moonsault, a fucking Slop Drop. Bill DeMott had one cool move, and he got rid of it.
POP: GONG!
Get ready for the Rumble, Undertaker’s coming back! And somewhere deep in the SmackDown locker room, Matt Hardy feels a shiver crawl slowly down his spine…
POP: Mulletproof
BOTCH: Mid-Song Skit
Billy Kidman just can’t seem to get past Eddie Guerrero these last few weeks. The Cruiserweight champion had a pretty hot run after winning the belt, but Eddie’s had his number every time they’ve locked up. Instead of forgetting about it, Kidman demands another match, because SmackDown still knows how to book this stuff week-to-week. Before the match, Billy runs into Torrie backstage and absolutely NAILS an Al Wilson impersonation. Just dead-on. As for Eddie, it’s a historic night: he finally got rid of the mullet! It’s uh… a pretty unique look. Unique for him, in a vacuum he just looks like any 18-35 Hispanic man you’ve ever seen. I’d love to say this is another great match between these two, but unfortunately, it’s not quite there. How can that be? Well, it’s because John Cena and B² interfere. And by “interfere” I mean “show up and start freestyling mid-match”.
Look who it is, it’s Los Guerreros! I crack ya shell and make you Huevos Rancheros
Don’t get upset bro, there’s no need to get upset… I heard you got the tip, though, you cut the mullet
Don’t sweat, it’s not my fault you ain’t this hard. I call immigration, they tear up your green card
I see you scarred by this verbal attack, 1983 called, they want their hairstyle back
Relax, man! You in here with the showmaker! I leave you stocking shells at your local bodega
So tell Chavo and the other esse vatos, we talking your titles, you go back to serving tacos
That’s right esse! Not more latino heat, bro. Taco Bell is hiring, stuff burrito meat—
Eddie and Chavo clowned on Cena last week, so that’s a feud now. The racially charged intermission is stopped by Chavo, who more or less turns face by virtue of beating these assholes up. Rikishi gets involved too, for continuity’s sake. I’m fine with setting up Cena and B² as tag title challengers, and aligning the Guerreros with Rikishi is a pretty good way to subtly turn them face and connect all these feuds together. That said, could we not have done this shit AFTER THE MATCH. Billy and Eddie try and continue wrestling, with Cena on commentary, which means yet another installment of (drumroll please) John Cena’s rapper voice!!!!
“I told you man, I listen to Biggie, I know what beef is”. God bless. Eddie and Kidman have the expected great match afterwards, at least until Cena tha God gets involved again. He smashes Eddie with the chain behind the ref’s back, allowing an unsuspecting Kidman to hit the SSP and win. John Cena’s called his shot for the tag team titles, and the Cruiserweight Champion gets his revenge. It’s funny how Eddie FINALLY shaved that goddamn mullet only to lose to a guy he’d already beaten. Three times. In a row. Who would’ve thought Eddie Guerrero drew power from his hair? A modern-day Samson. The bible one, I mean.
BOTCH: My Soul Laid Bare
Dawn Marrie and Al Wilson finally get hitched tonight, the second SmackDown wedding in six months. The blushing bride shows up after the opening match to announce she’s gonna marry in the nude. Her former boss Stephanie (remember that?) tells her she can’t actually go buck naked on live, PG-13 TV. This set is way better than the old Billy & Chuck one, but there’s only so many ways to do a wedding in a 20×20 ring. As with all these segments, Cole and Tazz spend the whole time riffing. They’re not good at it, but at least they’re having fun. Also, no offense but the minister looks like a weird cross between Boris Johnson and 2008 Fit Finlay.
Dawn objects at the last second, saying she wanted to recite her vows naked. I don’t know why, but she’s really headstrong about the whole thing. Dawn strips down to her white lingerie and laments having to wear clothes (???) but wait just a minute, folks. Stephanie never said anything about AL wearing clothes! Jesus Christ, Al is packing. The fuck did I just write. I hate this show sometimes. Anyways, before they leave, Dawn promises to send in live video updates of their honeymoon next week. Well, that was that! Dawn Marie is Torrie Wilson’s mother-in-law now, and this angle’s about to get real morbid real quick.
SLIGHT POP: All We Do Is Win
Team Angle make their tag team debut tonight against Chris Benoit and a partner of his choosing. Angle gets some mic time to put over his stable (“the three best wrestlers in the history of the sport”) and shit on Benoit while he’s at it. Kurt tells us that the marquee reads “World Wrestling Entertainment”, and Team Angle are wrestler’s wrestlers. Charlie Haas? All-American. Shelton Benjamin? All-American. Kurt Angle? Olympic gold medalist All-American. Chris Benoit? Some Stampede Wrestling guy. Among other things, of course, but we don’t like to talk about that. Benoit’s mystery partner turns out to be 9-time tag team champion Edge, no-brainer. Edge and Benoit make sense in this position, as they’re easily Kurt Angle’s biggest rivals currently on the roster.
It’s a rough start for Team Angle, though they eventually take control via cheating. A decent showcase for these two, as they’re obviously a great tag team, but Benoit’s the main focus here. He gets a crazy hot tag and lands stereo suplexes with Edge, who later spears Haas to stop him from breaking up the Crossface. That’s so dope. Unfortunately, Angle interferes and smashes Benoit with the belt for the DQ. Would’ve been cool if the match had a finish, but sure, this served its purpose just fine. Tony Chimel correctly announces Benoit and Edge as winners, so Angle beats his ass and makes him reverse the decision. Team Angle get their first win!
???: Soft Shoulder
With Tony Chimel out of action, Impact’s own Josh Mathews fills in for ring announcer. Next up is Nunzio vs. Crash. You read that right, Nunzio vs. Crash. Remember, Nunzio debuted a few weeks ago to help his cousin Jamie Noble get some wins again. Since then, Jamie’s lost to Crash via DQ and lost to Bill DeMott 1-on-2 without getting a shred of offense. A real equalizer, this Nunzio. Lucky for him, Crash Holly’s the easiest possible guy to beat, provided you’re not Jamie Noble.
For some reason, Crash is now wearing these Stevie Richards-esque midriff-bearing yellow shirts. Doesn’t even have a brand, it’s just blank and yellow. Nunzio goes Dean Malenko on a bitch and works Crash’s shoulder, getting the win with a flying divorce court. That’s a really strange finishing move! I mean, I guess it’s the same logic as winning with a shoulder-breaker, but it’s still pretty weird. You’re probably asking “why would I care about Jamie and Nunzio getting wins, they just got obliterated by Bill DeMott” and my answer is “I don’t fuckin’ know, man”.
POP: If It Bleeds…
Paul Heyman, man of the people, hypes up his client Kurt Angle, and also his other client, the Big Show. See, Show technically isn’t a part of Team Angle, but Heyman’s still on his payroll so he’s… around? He’s still somewhat of a main event guy, I guess. Heyman’s new goal in life is to make Brock Lesnar miserable, so the last thing he wants is for Brock to win the Rumble and challenge Angle. Which is definitely not happening, no sir. Big Show is the only man to ever score a pinfall over Brock, so Heyman lays down the challenge. January 13, Royal Rumble, Show vs. Lesnar.
But that’s not all! The winner of the match gets a spot at the Rumble, and loser sits the Rumble out. Why would Lesnar accept, knowing he definitely has a spot in the Rumble already and Show is the least lucky man in Royal Rumble history? Because he’s never beaten the Big Show. Brock is actually in the building this time around, so he stupidly walks out just to get ambushed by Matt Hardy. Matt swings a chair towards Brock’s back, but he aims a teeeeeeeeny bit too high and smashes the FUCK out of his skull. Look at this. Brock is gonna KILL this dude.
Brock returns ten minutes later for his match against Hardy in the main event. Not only is he not wearing any gear, but I’m pretty sure he’s still bleeding. Our (probably last ever) Matt Fact for the day? “MATT ALWAYS STAYS AWAKE UNTIL SUNRISE ON NEW YEAR’S”. He and Shannon try and bum-rush Brock before the bell, and Brock wipes the goddamn floor with them. I’ll tell you this, angry 2003 Brock Lesnar is the best wrestler there’s ever been, full stop. You’ve NEVER seen someone kick a guy’s ass like Brock does. He scoops Matt up like a pillow, wipes the blood off his head and PAINTS MATT’S FACE WITH IT. Shannon tries to interfere and Brock drags his ass in like a rug. This man eats bears raw, come on.
Tired of these shenanigans, Brock F5s Shannon, giving Matt an opening to hit the Twist of Fate. Brock kicks out, because you could shoot Brock Lesnar with a shotgun and he’d probably kick out by bench pressing you. Matt goes for a second one immediately, which is very smart, but Brock reverses into a merciful F5 for the kill. Brock’s dripping so hard, it looks like he’s wearing facepaint. Big Show taunts Lesnar from across the aisle, so Brock fires back with the coldest F5 ever achieved. The goddamned no-look F5.
This man is something else entirely.
And that’s our show! Join us next time as the John Cena/Guerreros feud picks up steam, Matt Hardy’s remains battle Billy Kidman, Tajiri returns against Jamie Noble, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin wrestle Edge and Chris Benoit in singles matches, Bill DeMott goes back to squashing Cruiserweights, Brock Lesnar runs into the A-Train, and the newlyweds go on honeymoon. Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
