Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Royal Rumble! The Torrie Wilson/Dawn Marie feud came to a predictably uneventful end, Sean O’Haire told us to skip church, Kurt Angle survived a grueling WWE Championship match and Brock Lesnar strolled into the main event of Wrestlemania. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re now on The Road to No Way Out! Next Big Thing!
POP: Diminishing Returns
Two weeks ago, Team Angle made their singles debuts against sworn House of Angle nemeses Chris Benoit and Edge. We’re doing that again. This time, Benoit takes on Charlie Haas while Edge takes on Shelton Benjamin. Fresh off his show-stealing loss at Royal Rumble, Benoit opens the episode and holy shit is this dude over now. Guy takes one L and all the sudden he’s Steve Austin. For historical significance, this also marks the debut of the legendary Team Angle sweatsuits (pictured), and the drip is impeccable. “Chris Benoit vs. Charlie Haas” sounds like the concept of mat wrestling made manifest, so if you like that, you’ll like this. Haas takes advantage of a Shelton distraction to go full-on Pete Dunne and target the fingers.
Unlike the Edge match, Haas looks pretty good while in control here. Charlie’s definitely not as exciting as Shelton, but he’s relentless, and he works smart. Despite some attempted Shelton interference, Benoit catches Charlie with the Crossface. Haas swats Benoit’s injured hand to escape and gets back on offense, but Benoit immediately reverses a German into a victory roll for the win. Sure, Benoit could’ve just tapped Charlie out to the Crossface, and that would’ve been fine, but I really dig this finish. Haas looks good for neutralizing Benoit’s finisher while Benoit looks like a wily underdog outsmarting two heels. Still, these Team Angle guys ain’t getting many wins lately…
Shelton wrestles Edge later in the night, and the Angle Kids continue to impress. Instead of targeting a limb like Charlie, Shelton opts to bully Edge around with a mixture of high impact offense and amateur dickishness. Which is great, not just because Shelton’s great, but because it paints a clear distinction between him and Charlie. They are what they’re supposed to be: Kurt Angle split in two. Charlie’s intense and methodical, Shelton’s explosive and arrogant. Edge mounts a comeback and looks for the spear, but Shelton leapfrogs out of the way. That’s Charlie’s cue to interfere, leading to the debut of one of the most convoluted yet coolest moves of all time: Shelton’s Dragon Whip. Shelton gets a little too cute with a sprinboard, though, and ends up walking right into a Spear for the fall. Another good match for Team Angle, another loss for Team Angle.
BOTCH: Bye-Bye Bill
Last week, Bill DeMott beat Rikishi. I could’ve found a cuter way to do that segue, but I can’t say I really give a shit. DeMott has a cast now, as he suffered nerve damage during the Rumble. Yes, DeMott was in the Rumble. DeMott attacks Rikishi in the corner and the ref tries to break it up, to which DeMott replies “I HAVE ‘TILL FIVE!”. I’m gonna assume this is where a young Bryan Danielson got that spot from, because the idea of Daniel Bryan taking notes from Bill DeMott is really amusing to me. Rikishi targets DeMott’s arm and DeMott loudly complains. After a cromulent back-and-forth, Rikishi lands a Rump Shaker on Bill’s arm and gets his win back. There goes DeMott’s undefeated streak! Hopefully now we can start feeding him to the actual stars. Give me Brock vs. DeMott, I’m begging you.
SLIGHT POP: The Return of the Living Dead (Man)
Tonight! We witness the SmackDown return of one of the greatest wrestlers in WWE history… Undertaker. Yup. That’s who I’m referring to. Pay no attention to that man up in the header. Young boy Josh Mathews tries to interview Big Show about Undertaker’s return and gets touched inappropriately, so who knows what the big man’s up to. After getting dicked out of a Rumble win, Taker returns to his yard and cuts a promo on the aforementioned Show. Recall, Big Show dunked Big Evil straight to hell three months ago, so that’s the feud for No Way Out. Show walks out in style and teases fighting Undertaker right now, right here, in [INSERT CITY]. Obviously, Show’s not doing shit tonight, so he rolls out his contingency plan: The A-Train.
A-Train continues his trend of looking way better than expected in the opening minutes, but Taker quickly takes control and does his BEST PURE STRIKER IN WWE schtick. Taker sends a message to Big Show with the Chokeslam, but Train kicks out at two. Taker can’t get the big man up for the Last Ride, and A-Train lands his newest finisher, the Derailer. Nice move you got there Train, mind if I kick out of it? A few reversals later, Taker locks Train in the Takin’ Care of Business for the win. Yeah, the TCB. What, you didn’t know Taker used to win matches with a shitty Dragon Sleeper? We’re in the deep cuts now, baby.
POP: Sean O’Haire, Satanic Libertarian
The Devil’s Advocate Sean O’Haire is here to tell YOU not to pay your taxes. A heel that tells people not to pay taxes, not to be confused with the heel that tells people to pay taxes. Another great O’Haire vignette, but he still isn’t telling us anything we don’t already know, that ruffian.
POP, I GUESS?: Seguace di Matteggiamento
In a rare moment of Mattitude Gratitude, Matt congratulates Shannon Moore for his performance at the Rumble. And then he berates the MF’er for not stopping Brock Lesnar from spinning Matt’s ass out of the ring. He tells Shannon to get ready for his match against Nunzio later and the kid walks right into the women’s bathroom. Matt runs into Cousin Nunzio backstage and asks him to rough Shannon up in their match tonight. Realizing there’s a camera on him, Nunzio cuts a whole-ass gangster promo out of the blue. Nunzio turning into a hired gun is one of the many things in this segment that will become important later. Boy, Matt Hardy’s spending a lot of time around Cruiserweights! (I’m winking at you as I type this)
Nunzio and Shannon have a decent match, and we get some insight on Moore from commentary. According to Cole, Shannon’s just a nice kid hanging onto Mattitude in an attempt to fit in. This whole Mattitude angle seems like it’s leading to an eventual Alex Riley-esque face-turn from Shannon, but I’m pretty sure it’s not. Shannon has Nunzio beat but decides to try a Twist of Fate, which Nunzio reverses into Arrivederci for the win. The camera crew misses all of this, as they’re too busy focusing on Matt’s dumb face. Matt actually shakes Nunzio’s hand afterwards, but before you ask, no, Nunzio’s not the next MF’er. Matt chases Shannon through the backstage area, and we’ll be back to their hijinks next week. This is probably the first time anyone has ever asked this, but where the hell is Jamie Noble during all of this?
???: Moving Goalposts
Brock Lesnar gets a sit-down interview to talk about his many goals. His many, many, many goals. He’s got a lot of goals, that Brock Lesnar, and he’s pretty much accomplished all of them. NCAA Champion, debuted after Wrestlemania, won King of the Ring, beat Rock at SummerSlam for the WWE title, beat the Undertaker in Hell in a Cell. His last two goals were “Beat Big Show” and “Win Rumble”, so he can scratch those off as well. Now he’s got two more goals: To F5 Paul Heyman and beat Kurt Angle for the WWE title in the main event of Wrestlemania XIX. Will he accomplish them? Probably! This is the only time the 2003 Royal Rumble winner appears in this episode!
POP: Team Angle Stay Winning
The WWE Champion chews out his boys after their losses, lambasting them for not living up to the three I’s (intensity, integrity and immunodiagnosis). Angle’s embarrassed and ashamed, but he claims Team Angle will NOT go 0-3 tonight, as he battles Rey Mysterio later on. Angle vs. Mysterio is the first match I reviewed back at SummerSlam, and I’ll say it again: these two are easily one of my favorite combinations in wrestling history. Though Rey beat Angle for the tag straps back in November, he’s 0-2 against Angle in singles. Still, with this being non-title and Team Angle losing two matches prior, Rey could believably sneak out a win here. Angle’s once again accompanied by Heyman tonight, who I guess just manages whoever’s feuding with Brock Lesnar at any given moment.
Angle and Rey have a predictably great match, with the ¿highlight? being a disgusting German suplex. You can hear the top of Rey’s head coming down at full speed. The fact Rey survived that bump is nothing short of an act of God. Kurt seemingly sets Rey up for Bloody Sunday, but Rey reverses into a Northern Lights suplex. Rey gets a great comeback and goes for a topé but the ref tells him to knock it off. Are topés against the rules, like closed fists? Rey literally goes above the law and hits the tope anyway. If that sounds familiar, they did the same spot at SummerSlam. And then Sasha and Bayley did it at TakeOver: Brooklyn. Look, it’s a cool spot. After some crazy finisher reversals, Angle catches Rey off the West Coast Pop, bangs him against the turnbuckle and folds him into a roll-up for the win.
Whatever that finish was, it ruled. Angle locks Rey in the Ankle Lock afterwards for good measure, but gets run off by Edge. Don’t get hyped about a potential Angle/Edge title match at No Way Out, that’s sadly not happening. Benoit runs down as well, and the Canadian Connection beat down the champ and help Rey land a 619. Since Angle asked his Team to stay in the back, Charlie and Shelton are nowhere to be seen. Bad night for Team Angle, but hey, they got a win!
???: Mania Season
Okay, so… Stephanie McMahon announces another big surprise at the top of the show, and we spend the entire night wondering what it is. Even SmackDown’s Number 1 Announcer Funaki (INDEED!) goes up to Steph’s office to ask about it and she tells him “bro it’s literally the next segment can you just wait two minutes”. She then stands right next to a Hulk Hogan poster, inconspicuous on her wall. We close out the episode with the SmackDown return of Hulk Hogan. Hogan’s been gone from WWE since August after getting demolished by Brock Lesnar, and the Hulkster’s here for a Wrestlemania program. The biggest positive is that Hogan’s still using “Voodoo Child” as his theme song… or it would be if WWE still had the rights to that song and didn’t dub it over in the Network edit. Well, shit. Now I have to talk about Hulk Hogan.
One of the most important figures in wrestling history, Hogan was still very over at this stage of his career, and I suppose he still is today. I mean, he’s not over in my circles, but I’m a wrestling fan, what do I know. Hogan is, understandably, extremely disliked by sections of the wrestling fanbase for his backstage work, in-ring work, and his, let’s say, questionable views on interracial entanglement. He helped kill WCW, but he also killed Gawker, so there’s that. WWE’s always been one to bring Hogan back the first chance they get (they’ve been doing it since 1993) but at the very least he’s staying out of the main event scene this time. I mean, this is the main event, but fuck it, you get what I’m saying.
After basking in one of the loudest and longest pops in wrestling history, Hogan grabs the mic and says Hulkamania is STILL runnin’ wild. Of course it is. Let’s be honest, has Hulkamania ever ran tame? He announces that he’s just signed a brand-new contract. “Hollywood” is gone and the red and yellow is back, but it might (won’t) be Hogan’s last hurrah. It’s a passionate promo while it lasts, though it doesn’t last long. None other than VINNIE MAC interrupts to greet the Hulkster back home, and this is the first time we’ve seen Vince on the column! I’ll spare you the overdramatic Vince McMahon recap, I assume nobody needs it. It’s 2003, so this is peak rubber-faced muscle monster Vince McMahon.
Vince seems disappointed with Hogan’s return, and he tells Hogan it’s not 1985 anymore. He also compares Hulkamania to Al Wilson. Because they’re both dead, you see. Vince is very proud of that one. Hogan cuts right to the chase and tells Vince he wants a match with him. Glad we got all the preamble out of the way quick. Vince reminds Hogan that he’s, well, Vince. He doesn’t answer to Hogan, he doesn’t answer to the fans (except when he does), he doesn’t even answer to the man upstairs! This man beat God in a tag team match, come on! Vince says the only supreme being he answers to is himself, which sounds exactly like something Vince would say, and Hogan lays him out with a right hand. Wrestlemania is officially on its way, and get ready, these two are about to bleed.
And that’s our show! Join us next time as SPANKY debuts, Rey Mysterio gets a crack at the A-Train, John Cena goes one-on-one with Eddie Guerrero, Rikishi wrestles Bill DeMott for the third fucking week in a row, Matt Hardy resumes his feud with Billy Kidman and Team Angle face off against Edge and Benoit in a Number 1 Contender’s match for the WWE Tag Team Championships. Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
