Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Vince McMahon challenged Zach Gowen to an Arm Wrestling Contest, Kurt Angle returned to make things right and Rey Mysterio finally brought the Cruiserweight title home. You can watch this week’s episode on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. Next Big Thing!
POP: V1 in the Books
We’re starting off hot with the Cruiserweight title, as Matt Hardy invokes his rematch clause against Rey Mysterio. If you’re expecting another 10-to-15-minute banger between these two, you’re not gonna get it, that was a one and done. What we do get, however, is something that’s been sorely missing from SmackDown these past few months: a good-ass sub-5-minute cruiserweight title match. Maybe the best sub-5-minute match we’ve ever had in the column, to be honest. Angle vs. Kendrick doesn’t count. I’ve always praised SmackDown’s cruiserweight matches for being under-the-radar gems, a fantastic bonus on an already stacked show. You know, when SmackDown was a stacked show, and not just Mr. America: The Series. This right here is a return to form, nearly five minutes of non-stop WCW style Cruiserweight action, and one you definitely should seek out if you have the time.
For starters, there’s no interference to speak of, as Matt beats up both his MF’ers backstage before the match. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT IS TOO HANDSOME TO WEAR A MASK LIKE REY”. That’s the all we get tonight, Matt makes a beeline for the ring like he’s Eddie Kingston on a Wednesday. They go full tilt from the opening bell until Rey’s injured groin starts acting up, allowing Matt to kick out of a 619. Matt has Rey dead to rights with a Twist of Fate, but Rey pulls out an all-time classic reversal spot: hanging onto the top rope. With Matt stunned, Rey hits an (admittedly messy) West Coast Pop off the top to retain. I love that SmackDown’s slowly getting good again, week by week. Like, I’m just realizing, we got through the first ten minutes of the show without Vince McMahon or Roddy Piper!
POP, SOMEHOW: Cultural Exchange
Anyway, here’s Roddy Piper. Now usually Piper’s Pit segments are bad news, but get this: This has nothing to do with Vince McMahon!!! Piper and Sean O’Haire welcome tonight’s guests, WWE Tag Team Champions Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri. So right off the bat, instant pop for featuring Eddie and Roddy in the same promo. Eddie gets a tremendous pop too, big enough to take note of. As a peace offering to the champs, Piper’s set up an intercultural feast: sushi, burritos, sombreros and maracas. Extremely politically correct, as is often the case with Piper. Hot Rod turns his attention to O’Haire and calls him “the next world champion” who can hold any belt he wants any time he wants it. As such, he asks Eddie if they can borrow his tag belt to see what it feels like. This is all very depressing in hindsight.
Eddie: The only thing you can hold is my maracas vato, but you ain’t gonna hold my belt!
Meanwhile, Tajiri just hands them the belt in exchange for some sushi. A warrior AND a diplomat. Eddie puffs his chest up ready for a fight, but Tajiri asks for something to drink. You’ll never guess what happens next. The champs leave Piper and O’Haire lying and escape into the night with the tag team titles. So yeah, we’re doing Los Guerreros Orientales vs. Piper/O’Haire (who I’m tentatively calling “Lazarus Pit”) for the belts. I’m fairly sure the match is going to suck balls, but at least Sean O’Haire is doing SOMETHING, you know? This is probably the only program of any importance he does in this entire run. At least he got to hold a tag belt for fifteen seconds!
POP, I GUESS?: The Ass Man Comes Around
Torrie Wilson’s just kinda floating around SmackDown now that Sable’s busy elsewhere, so she’ll be our guest ring announcer for this next match. It’s the return of a very special WWE Superstar, one we haven’t seen for while… A-Train! Yeah baby! And his opponent, Billy Gunn. Say hi to Billy, everyone. This isn’t “Billy & Chuck” Billy Gunn, nor is it “The One” Billy Gunn, no no, this is full on “Mr. Ass”, with the theme song and everything. He’s in incredible shape – obviously, he’s Billy Gunn – and the ensuing match is… fine? Eh. Billy beats A-Train in short order with the Fameasser (haha remember when Train was a main event guy?) and he and Torrie spank each other, because Torrie is Billy’s valet now. “Ass” isn’t the first thing I think of when I think “Torrie Wilson”, but hey, this should keep her busy.
BOTCH: Nunzio’s Still At It
The Undertaker/FBI feud drags on yet another week, this time it’s Taker vs. Stamboli. You know a feud is getting HEATED here on SmackDown once they start busting out the Johnny Stamboli singles matches. You want a recap? Here you go: Taker wins despite the FBI interference and Nunzio dents a chair with his skull afterwards. Stamboli looks slightly better than he has in other singles matches, but not by much. No offense to any of the talent involved in this feud (not even Stamboli) but this is the textbook definition of killing time. Taker isn’t gonna wrestle Nunzio at Vengeance. He’s got a match at Vengeance, obviously, but it’s against someone that matters! The only reason Palumbo and Stamboli keep working singles on TV is because the roster isn’t deep enough for Taker to wrestle anyone else! WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS STABLE WRESTLING EXCEPT NUNZIO?!
BOTCH: Farewell to Arms
There’s a cold war happening in the General Manager’s office between Stephanie McMahon and her new assistant, Sable. They get into each other’s faces in very passive aggressive fashion, and Steph tells Sable she doesn’t trust her. Not sure why, Sable seems awfully trustworthy. There’s big things on the horizon, though: The US title is coming back to SmackDown! We know this because Sable flat out spoils the surprise with zero fanfare. The US title scene should (and will) be good, but we’ll touch on that next week. Right now, we’ve got something way more important to talk about: Mr. America! More specifically, Mr. America’s Pal Zach Gowen. If Zach Gowen is somehow able to defeat Vince McMahon in an arm-wrestling contest, he will be awarded a SmackDown contract.
As with any of these “fight for your contract” scenarios, I have to ask: How does Zach Gowen keep getting on TV if he doesn’t have a contract? For a guy who doesn’t work here, I’ll tell you, I’ve seen his ass way more than Bill DeMott’s. I get that Mr. America brings him along, but why and how does he bring him along to EVERY city on EVERY tour? So Zach Gowen travels with Mr. America, does he live with him too? Or does Mr. America come pick him up right before they tape these shows? Zach is from DETROIT! You know how long it takes to get from Venice Beach to Detroit?! What does Zach even want a contract for, anyway? He’s already one of the biggest names on here. Brian Kendrick won a contract, last time I seen his ass he was losing to the Basham Brothers!
Onto the segment. Steph is here, Sable’s here, Mr. America’s here, practically everyone’s here for this. It’s a miracle Piper and O’Haire didn’t show up for the hell of it. Vince looks absolutely insane, even by his standards. Mr. America, with all his grandstanding and his hotdogging, challenges Vince to arm-wrestle him instead of Zach. Which hardly seems fair, but this is the same man who challenged Yokozuna to a title match after he beat Bret Hart in the main event of the biggest show of the year. Or maybe I’m thinking of someone else. Vince accepts after some convincing, but he says it won’t affect Zach Gowen’s contract situation; in fact, if Mr. America loses, he’s barred from the building and Zach will have to fend for himself. They wrestle (with their arms) and after some shenanigans, Sable provides a titt—I mean timely distraction, giving Vince the win.
Vince: By the way, just for the record… Sable, I would just like to state that you have the most beautiful set… the most beautiful set of eyes I think I’ve ever seen.
Talk about a flash pin, hyuck hyuck hyuck. Mr. America leaves, along with Steph and Sable, leaving Zach to his own devices. Vince is absolutely incredible during all of this, regardless of how tasteless this angle might be. It’s arguably as over-the-top evil as his character ever gets, at least until he eventually starts beating the shit out of his own daughter. Which we’ll get to… eventually… Vince has the biggest shit eating grin you’ve ever seen, which promptly disappears once Zach starts putting up a fight. Somehow, Zach’s sheer will to win overpowers Vince’s insane muscles, and just as Vince’s hand comes oh so close to the pad, the motherfucker kicks Gowen’s prosthetic leg out of its socket to steal the win. Beautiful. Big Show talks some shit on the poor kid backstage, because he’s the worst person on this roster not named “Vince”.
I desperately want to award this segment a Pop just for Vince, but I won’t. And you can probably guess the reason why; I just summarized the fuck out of this entire thing and we’re up to the fifth paragraph. Start to finish, from the moment we saw Mr. America and Zach Gowen to the moment they left, this angle took up 19 minutes uninterrupted. I don’t know how much more I got left in me, man. I feel like I’ve been recapping Mr. America segments every week for five years. Stay tuned for more!
BOTCH: Three Line Whip
Chris Benoit and Rhyno have been going through a rough patch as of late, but they better get it together if they expect to beat one of SmackDown’s greatest tag teams. The Basham Brothers, I’m talking about the Basham Brothers. This is actually a VERY eventful week for the Bashams, as they’ve acquired a new manager: Meet Shaniqua, the Basham’s… handler? She’s a buff lady in black leather carrying a riding crop. Shaniqua is actually Linda Miles, a former Tough Enough winner. If you don’t remember her, it’s because she managed the Basham Brothers. The good news is that the Bashams finally have a gimmick, the bad news is that said gimmick is basically just “the implication” underlined about a million times. She’s got a whip for a reason, you can figure out the rest. And believe me, they’re gonna lay it on pretty thick.
Shaniqua interferes as one would expect, but Rhyno’s the one who winds up costing his team the match after about three minutes. He inadvertently punches Benoit for the second week in a row, leaving him right open for a Rough Ryder (?) from Doug (???). Benoit and Rhyno sure do suck dick as a tag team, huh? For god’s sakes man, I can take them losing to the FBI and the Bashams but at least let them WRESTLE first. This was nothing, this was barely a match. Commentary always talks about how Benoit and Rhyno are this great team that gel so well, but they haven’t won a match since March. MARCH! THESE GUYS BEAT TEAM ANGLE! Benoit gets into Rhyno’s face afterwards (brings back memories), and thank God there’s a US title on the way cause I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
FINE: FU(naki)
John Cena’s back, back again, and his freestyle is as follows:
I’m that ill cat with more cork in his bat than Sammy Sosa
I’m too ghetto for merchandise so kids make they own posters
Orlando fans are in the stands throwing up them double hands
After the show, Michael Cole’s gonna chase some boy bands
Hey Tazz, calm down your man, you gotta tell him to slow down
He’s got them weird posters of NSYNC and he’s fallen in love with O-Town
Funaki-san, reconsider, I’m more than you can handle, bro
I’ll cut your two-tone mullet and kick you dead in the cameltoe
You should go back to announcing, this whole match is a waste, man
I don’t need to wrestle you, you’re choking yourself with your waistband
I ain’t from Orlando but I got the magic stick
That means I represent your city when I grab my…
Continuing the theme of Announcer Abuse, Cena’s opponent tonight is column favorite Funaki, who’s got some lines of his own!
What up dawg!
U-G-L-Y!
You ain’t got no alibi!
You ugly! You-you-you ugly!
Unfortunately, Cena’s stuck in that same pre-PPV-cycle black hole that Taker and Benoit are stuck in. Since we’re still about six weeks away from Vengeance, none of these guys can get the fuck on with their PPV programs just yet. Vince McMahon and Zach Gowen can stretch a PPV build for ten weeks, but John Cena and the Undertaker? Oh no, we ain’t ready for that yet. Cena beats Funaki in about 40 seconds and keeps his heat for another week. Can’t wait to transcribe his next freestyle.
SLIGHT BOTCH: No I in Team
Fresh off his long-awaited return to SmackDown, Kurt Angle is back to clear the air around his faction. Where the hell were Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin last week? Kurt doesn’t know either, but he’s fixing to find out. Charlie and Shelton make their way to the ring and Kurt says he understands why they didn’t call or visit him in the hospital. Which, me personally, I wouldn’t let that shit slide, but I’m not an Olympic Hero. What Kurt doesn’t understand is how both of them called in sick last week, in what should’ve been the greatest night in Team Angle’s history. I don’t know Kurt, a lot of diseases spreading around. Charlie and Shelton explain that they WERE sick… of being in Kurt’s shadow. Damn!
They ask Kurt where HE was when Team Angle were holding the fort on SmackDown. Where was he at Backlash? Where was he when the Guerreros stole their Kurt Angle NFT? Where was he when they were booked in a ladder match? In the hospital, with a broken neck? Big whoop! Kurt tells them to toughen up, start acting like Team Angle and stop acting like Team Wahhhh-ngle (his words, not mine) and says they can figure something out together. Charlie and Shelton aren’t in the mood to talk, though. They say they’re winners, and Kurt’s a broken-necked loser. And I want you to pay close attention to the way Charlie Haas pronounces the word “loser” here, because it’s phenomenal:
Charlie and Shelton don’t want to break up Team Angle, though; they’ve decided to lead the team as co-captains with Kurt as their subordinate. Kurt considers it, and then fires their corny asses from Team Angle. So Team Angle’s just Kurt now. Huh. Well, hey, I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. They needed to turn Kurt face (since a certain someone’s about to turn heel…) and you can’t have Babyface Kurt Angle turning a blind eye to Charlie and Shelton being total dicks. I completely understand why this happened. It’s just… man, Team Angle lasted six months. Six months! It’s insane! These guys could’ve run this show for like two more years, easy. We’ve still got about a year of Evolution cutting 3-hour promos on Raw, but you couldn’t let these three, THESE THREE, hang together a while longer? They’re money! This was money!
It sucks too because Kurt WILL turn heel again eventually, but by then Charlie and Shelton will be too far gone to run this back. It’s such a common occurrence in WWE, too! How many goddamn times can one company grab a surefire team and break it up two years too soon? Anyways, Charlie and Shelton attack Kurt backstage and renounce their fabulous velour Team Angle sweatsuits. Give those things to me man, I’ll take ‘em.
POP: Earth Mover
And in our main event, it’s a big one: Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship. Been a while since we’ve had a straight up world title match on TV, eh? For those who need to catch up: Big Show became the first man to pin Brock Lesnar when he took the WWE title off him at Survivor Series. Brock got his win back at the Royal Rumble and outlasted Show in a grueling Stretcher Match at Judgment Day, but Show pinned Brock in a tag match a few weeks later. So although Brock’s 2-1 against Show in singles, Show holds two pinfall victories against Brock’s lone pinfall win in January.
Brock jumps Show from the opening bell, and while this match is obviously nowhere near their beautiful car crash back at Judgment Day, it doesn’t need to be. You’ll see why. Show injures Brock’s lower back against the Steel Ring Post early on and focuses his offense on Brock’s ribs. He even busts out an extremely rare Big Show Half Crab. I know Lance Storm was somewhere out there, fuming. Brock is able to land a German Suplex on Show (“German? That’s all of Europe!” – Tazz) but he can’t muscle up Show for the F5. He manages to kick out of a Chokeslam, though, so Show decides to improvise. Show, in a moment of sheer insanity, climbs up to the top rope, perhaps looking for a Super Chokeslam. Brock crotches Show on the corner, avoiding a certain death in the process. And then he does this:
And there it is. Easily one of the most batshit insane pro wrestling stunts ever. A spot that still gets replayed (and occasionally repeated) to this day. I love it. It’s not just that it’s an awesome idea, or a marvel of pro wrestling special effects. What I love the most about this spot is the aftermath. Brock and Show are DONE. They don’t move. Commentary treats this like they’ve just seen the dead walk the earth. The crowd goes absolutely nuclear for the whole thing, they even pop for the replay. And the show goes off the air with both halves of the WWE Championship match, and the ring they wrestled in, blown the fuck out. It’s the biggest non-finish of all time. And that means Brock and Show aren’t done, not yet by a long shot.
And that’s our show! Join us next week for SmackDown, featuring:
- Undertaker vs. Nunzio, finally
- Rey Mysterio vs… Kanyon?
- Kurt Angle vs. Charlie Haas
- Billy Gunn vs. Jamie Noble
- Sean O’Haire vs. Eddie Guerrero
- Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar, WWE Championship, again
- …And the start of the WWE United States Championship Tournament!
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
