Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, nothing bad happened at Al Wilson’s wake, Los Guerreros retained against Cena and the unfortunate B², Nunzio avenged his cousin’s loss to Tajiri, Rey Mysterio returned to aid the Beast, Matt Hardy defeated a defeatable Cruiserweight and Chris Benoit took Kurt Angle to the woodshed. You can watch Royal Rumble here. Next Big Thing!
POP, I GUESS?: Something in the Way
My oh my, look who’s jerking the curtain! For the first time in this column, Brock Lesnar opens the show against… the Show. Heh. The winner of this singles match enters the Rumble later on tonight, so you already know who’s winning. Story-wise, I suppose the match makes sense. Brock Lesnar is obviously about to main event Wrestlemania, but before we get to that, he needs to overcome the one guy with a winning record against him. Nevermind the fact that Big Show’s 1-0 record comes from a steel chair spot and Paul Heyman interference, and that Brock Lesnar’s handed him his own ass almost every week for the past, I dunno, two months.
You know how Michael Cole can’t help but say the same sentence every time Sasha Banks or Roman Reigns appear? He got that from Tazz. The sheer amount of times I’ve had to hear Tazz say “welp… here comes the pain!” in the exact same tone and inflection boggles my mind. Anyways, Brock and Show have a perfectly acceptable opening match here. Not great, but it goes short, doesn’t drag, and it’s what you’d expect. Show dominates, Brock dominates, Show dominates. Big Show’s offense isn’t that impressive, but Brock’s suplexes have a freakshow sorta charm to them. Brock even reverses the Chokeslam into a rollup for a pretty cool nearfall. He tries to F5 Heyman and gets caught with a Chokeslam, but still kicks out at two. Show ain’t winning. Brock manages to avoid a second Chokeslam, lands a low-altitude F5 and, wouldn’t you know it, Lesnar’s in the Rumble.
POP, I GUESS?: Sour Sixteen
Last month at Armageddon, Booker T and Goldust finally managed to win the World Tag Team titles after months of chasing a mess of a division. Booker and Goldie are not in the tag match tonight, so the aforementioned mess is still ongoing. The Odd Couple dropped the belts to William Regal and Lance Storm three weeks later, now the Un-Americans defend against the Dudley Boyz. At least, I think they’re still the Un-Americans, they’re using the Un-Americans’ theme and carrying flags and whatnot. The story coming in is that Regal and Storm are cheating cheats who cheat. The ref even pats them down before the match to make sure Regal doesn’t have brass knuckles hidden somewhere. Regal and Storm are still Un-Americans, so naturally they get their asses kicked. They’re so easy to beat, Bubba randomly pulls out a Figure-Four ankle lock out of sheer boredom.
The heels eventually take control, building to a pretty good hot tag from Bubba Ray. Bubba is motivated tonight, I gotta say. I guess they realized I was enjoying the match somewhat, so here’s Chief Morley. Remember Val Venis? He jumped to Raw last November and became the heel Chief of Staff, now he’s feuding with the Dudleyz for putting all his staff through wooden tables. Morley distracts the ref while Regal preps the brass knuckles, but the Dudleyz catch him with the 3D. D-Von immediately steals the knucks and clocks Storm in the face for the three-count and the titles. This makes the Dudleyz sixteen-time tag champions, by the way. Neat finish, match was perfectly fine.
I still have no idea why they took the titles off Booker and Goldust so soon, but hey, with the Dudleyz at the helm, maybe we’ll— Hm? What? They drop the belts back to Regal and Storm the day after this? Oh. Oh, okay.
BOTCH: Mommie Dearest
Ladies and gentlemen, we made it in one piece. Three and a half months ago, Torrie Wilson got in a dispute with Dawn Marie that lead to a bad match at No Mercy. Yeah, No Mercy. To get a sense of how long ago that was, that’s when the tag titles debuted. Undeterred by her loss, Dawn fell in love with Torrie’s father, Al. She used her relationship with Al to pressure Torrie into having sex with her, then married Al anyways. Al agreed to marry a woman who pressured his daughter into sex. I feel like I have to stress that part.
After getting married almost in the nude, Al tragically passed away during his honeymoon, probably due to all the sex. The ladies got into a fight at Al’s funeral, and at last, here we are: Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson II, Stepmother vs. Stepdaughter match. Don’t worry, that’s not a stipulation, it’s just a regular wrestling match with a funny name. Dawn comes out with a black veil, which makes Cole extremely uncomfortable. Tazz, meanwhile…
Dawn Marie, she’s, you know, she’s in her early twenties *VERY LOUD COUGHING NOISES* and she’s a widow already!
Like Dawn, Torrie pays tribute to her father by coming out in her usual Torrie gear. Dawn attacks before the bell and targets Torrie’s shoulder with a Fujiwara Armbar. You heard that right, this match features ~shoulder psychology~! Torrie immediately forgets about the shoulder work, lands a series of armdrags, catches Dawn with a swinging neckbreaker out of nowhere and wins after three and a half minutes. That should placate the whole “dead father” issue. Dawn says “this isn’t over”, but it better be. Three months of build for this! Can you believe it? All this time thinking about the end, I never thought about what I’d do once I got there. What happens now? Where do I go from here? As the Dawn Marie/Torrie Wilson feud comes to a close, I look back the horizon. The sun is going down, and it’s starting to get cold…
???: The Devil Went Down to Rumble
Don’t tell nobody, the Devil’s Advocate is on his way. Meet the late Sean O’Haire, a former WCW Power Plant alumn and Tag Team Champion. Tall, dark and weird, Sean is still fondly remembered today for his teaser vignettes. The vignettes are just him standing in the void, egging people on to do bad stuff, and tonight he tells us not to go to church. Sure thing, Mr. O’Haire! Just like Nathan Jones, try not to get too excited for Sean’s run, he’s not gonna amount to much. Either way, he’s not telling you anything you don’t already know…
BOTCH: The Great Scott Steiner Tragedy of 2003
Oh, fuck me sideways. God, I hate Raw. Okay, remember Armageddon, when Triple H beat Shawn Michaels to become World Heavyweight Champion again? He immediately became the target of Raw’s hottest signee, Scott Steiner. I should note, Steiner literally just showed up in the company and, despite being one of the last WCW World Champions, hasn’t done anything of note since 2001. However, Scott’s contract states he gets a World title shot if he feels like it. Thus begins the Scott Steiner/Triple H feud. They had an arm-wrestling match, Scott won. Then a pose-down, Scott won. Then a push-up contest and the judges attacked Steiner, but Scott was definitely gonna win. The story here is that Triple H is playing games because he’s afraid of Scott Steiner, which… okay? Why wouldn’t he be? It’s Scott Steiner, have you seen that fucking guy?
Steiner dominates the early goings with strikes and chops, they head outside, and he works HHH’s back. This leads to a Boston Crab, which is really rude considering Jericho’s on the same roster. Steiner no-sells Triple H’s offense and locks him in a bearhug. He looks for the Steiner Recliner (a very lazy Camel Clutch), but Flair drags Trips out of the ring and HHH takes control. This is all as fun as it sounds. We get no less than 25 belly-to-belly suplexes from Scott, but Jesus this shit is so lethargic. The crowd pops for Ric Flair interference cause at least it means something is happening. They do the “Pedigree reversal into a catapult” spot, it takes them almost 20 seconds, and Scott FALLS OVER AFTERWARDS. Brother is so gassed he can’t get in position for a neckbreaker. This is bad.
Scotty gets an awful comeback after about ten minutes, tries a Tiger Bomb and falls right on his ass. Did you know the theme song to this PPV is “Falling Apart” by Trust Company? I thought that was funny. Realizing he can’t possibly compete with this genetic freak, Triple H tries to get counted out. To my surprise, Scott has enough energy to follow him up the ramp, and Trips tries to smash him with the belt while Flair distracts the ref. Scott throws the belt back in Triple H’s face, and if you’re thinking “this sounds like a very contrived way to get HHH to bleed”, you’re a very smart individual!
After Trips tries and fails to escape through the crowd, Flair asks for a referee stoppage. In this instance, Ric Flair is the audience surrogate. King comments that a ref stoppage would mean Triple H retains, even though it doesn’t, titles switch via ref stoppage all the time. Triple H throws the ref out of the ring and they tease a DQ, but Earl Hebner changes his mind, walks up to Trips and screams “YOU! WRESTLE!” HHH gets a low blow while Ric distracts the ref and we are REALLY running through the whole deck, huh. Trips brings his trusted sledgehammer into the ring and Earl gives him a stern warning, but he sledges Scott anyways for the DQ. This went 18 minutes, not sure how. Steiner gets his heat back with the sledgehammer and his weird thong starts showing. Jesus wept. See you at No Way Out, Scott!
POP: Foxcatcher
So, let’s see what SmackDown is up to! The Kurt Angle/Chris Benoit feud has been the backbone of this column since I started writing. The two met in one of the best matches of 2002 at Unforgiven, then reluctantly entered the tag tournament. This in turn led to the actual best match of 2002, as Benoit and Angle bested Edge and Rey Mysterio to become the first ever WWE Tag Team Champions. Obviously, this didn’t last, but since splitting up, Kurt Angle’s found his way to the WWE title. In his first defense stands his blood rival, a man who’s beaten him twice within the past year. Chris Benoit has overcome Team Angle; can he pull a hat trick and finally win the big one? Angle vs. Benoit, WWE title. Neat.
Team Angle try to bully Benoit before the bell and promptly get themselves ejected from ringside, which I appreciate. I think we’ve filled our interference quota after the Raw world title match. We start with the customary mat wrestling blitz, and Angle gets DDT’d on the apron before long. Benoit misses the headbutt, but he brings back the Sharpshooter to target Angle’s injured knee. The match slows down a tad once they go outside, leading to a couple chinlock spots back in. They get the crowd hyped with a double countout tease, though, so I can’t really knock it. Benoit gets his comeback, the fellas start suplexing, and we get the long-awaited return of the snot rocket spot. The disrespect.
Angle brings Benoit back down with an avalanche belly-to-belly and tries the Angle Slam, but Benoit locks him in the Crossface and the crowd absolutely explodes. Kurt gets to the ropes and Benoit drags him back in with an Ankle Lock. Reversed into an Ankle Lock from Angle, reversed again into a Crossface from Benoit. Angle turns it into a roll-up for two but walks into another Crossface and the crowd is SO ready for a title switch. Kurt hovers his hand ONE INCH above the mat and you hear the whole arena go “YEAAAAAAAH!”. He reverses the Crossface into an Angle Slam (dope) for a great nearfall. Straps down, Ankle Lock. After a reversal sequence, Benoit gets an extremely close nearfall off a victory roll and that’s when they start suplexing each other for real.
Benoit somehow headbutts Angle 3/4s of the way across the ring, which is insane for a multitude of reasons. Angle avoids the Crossface and gets a second Angle Slam, but takes too long getting into position and Benoit kicks out again. He catches Kurt off guard with yet another Crossface, and Angle rolls over into an incredible desperation Ankle Lock. Benoit manages to kick Angle off but Kurt snatches another Ankle Lock immediately. Benoit kicks him off again, Angle holds on. He drags Benoit back to the center, grapevines the leg, and Benoit finally taps. Easily the best match I’ve reviewed so far, and probably in the Top 10 WWE title matches of all time. If you can stomach Benoit matches, take 20 minutes and check it out.
Kurt Angle’s going to Wrestlemania, and although the Crippler falls short yet again, he gets a standing ovation. There’s always next year.
SLIGHT POP: Man of the Year
Let’s get ready to yada yada yada! It’s time for the Royal Rumble, you already know how this works. Thirty men enter at inconsistent intervals, elimination occurs via ring-out, last man standing challenges the world champion at Wrestlemania. Can you guess who’s gonna win? It could be anybody! I mean, there’s Brock Lesnar, and… yeah. It’s hard to think of a post-Hogan Royal Rumble where the winner has been such a layup, at least until 2015. That’s not bad, not necessarily, provided they find a way to keep the match entertaining throughout. The Network edit has a super noticeable dub while Fink reads the rules, he apparently botched the “90 second interval” line. It’s all the same, none of it matters. Our Number 1 entrant is Shawn Michaels, who actually won the Rumble from the #1 spot back in ’95. There’s this other guy that did the same thing…
Unfortunately for Shawn, he gets eliminated right out the gate by Chris Jericho. Y2J low blows Shawn from behind while Christian plays decoy on the stage and smashes HBK’s skull with a chair. I’ll make an educated guess and say Shawn and Jericho are feuding. We get some cool segments in the early stages, like Christian attempting to reunite E&C and Edge and Mysterio having a great “every man for himself” sequence. Sadly, things go sour quickly with the arrival of poor, poor Chris Nowinski. Edge and Mysterio try a double dropkick on Chris, but their timing is off and Edge ends up landing torso-first onto Nowinski’s head. This gives Nowinski a concussion, one that would end his career at 24 years old not long after. Really somber bit of trivia there…
Raw’s Tommy Dreamer becomes one of the unexpected highlights of the match, as he shows up with a trashcan full of weapons while the ECW chants erupt. His night ends quickly with a trashcan lid con-chair-to. Which logistically isn’t a con-chair-to due to the lack of chair. Semantics. After cycling through a few cans like Bill DeMott and a random B² appearance, Matt Hardy arrives. Our Matt Fact for the day? “MATT STRONGLY DISLIKES MUSTARD”. Terrible taste. Jeff quickly enters the fray and turns against his brother, but Shannon saves Matt from elimination and even takes a Swanton on his behalf. Alas, now’s when the Rumble slows down, with guys like 3MW and Test, who inexplicably pops the crowd. Fun fact: Test’s fans are named “Testicles”. Yes, officially. I’m serious.
John Cena comes out and, you guessed it, freestyles to the ring. It goes on for WAY too long. “My style’s like a swollen penis, you can’t beat me” is probably his greatest bar. I can’t help but notice that Cena’s wearing long jorts. I don’t mean “jeans”, I mean long jorts. What the fuck is this fit. We’re about 25 men in, and the ring’s starting to get extremely crowded, but Jericho’s still in it. He’s the Ironman of this Rumble, and he spends almost 40 minutes avoiding elimination, sometimes by sheer miracle. His night ends once Shawn runs back out to kick his ass, a feud to be continued. After a few underwhelming entries in a row, Brock FINALLY enters the field at Number 29, and you might as well end the match here.
Brock eliminates both halves of Team Angle and F5s Matt’s ass outta there. Only one man left, and the Undertaker’s back at Number 30. Maven tries to repeat the legendary Rumble ’02 spot, doesn’t end well for him! Kane and Van Dam team up to dump A-Train, and Kane tricks RVD into a double-team just to bounce his ass out of the ring. We’re down to four: Undertaker, Kane, Batista and Brock. We already know Brock/Angle is the Mania match, and none of the other three are about to challenge Triple H, but you could still do some fun stuff with these four in the final minutes. They don’t. It’s actually pretty underwhelming. There’s some Brock/Taker action and a Brothers of Destruction nod, but the whole thing ends before it gets good. Taker dumps Batista and Kane, Batista distracts Taker, and Lesnar runs up from behind to eliminate the Deadman
Brock’s going to Mania. Shocker.
Taker seems amused, and he shows some respect afterwards, even if Brock eliminated him in the dumbest way imaginable. And that’s Royal Rumble ’03! Not one of the best Rumbles (it was the first post-Brand Split, so they focused more on the Raw/SmackDown rosters and didn’t include any legends or big returns), but it’s not a BAD entry, and there’s some fun stuff in there. Could’ve done without the concussions. Brock Lesnar adds yet another accolade to his collection, as it was written in stone. The year of the Beast is about to begin…
Here comes the pain, one more time.
