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Pops & Botches: AEW Dynamite Holiday Bash – 12.23.2020

AEW Dynamite Pops & Botches

 

Happy Yule y’all. Praise Odin.

POP: Top Flight vs. MYJ2FJ

OR

BOTCH: Fabshaming

Follow up from last week’s post match shenanigans. Top Flight, while never on my bad side, are really starting to impress me. The first five minutes of this match are a testament to fluid tag team wrestling, as close to 100% of their offense is symmetrical tag team action. Commentary puts them over as disciples of the Rock N’ Roll Express style, and I can definitely see it. It’s funny how, despite not being related, the RNRX style translates so well to brother tag teams, playing on synchronicity and extreme familial concern as one brother gets pummeled with the other unable to intervene. Bear in mind they’re 19 and 21, are already great, and can only get better.

The other story from this match is less fun. With the NBA as the lead in to this episode, we got some people who hung around. Go figure, sports worst fans had quite a lot to say about 50 year old Chris Jericho not being in the shame shape he was at 27. Do yourself a favor, go on Twitter and search “Chris Jericho Fat”.

Let’s start out with the most divisive thing I can say: Many NBA fans are idiots. Every sport has their dipshit fans, from the violent hardcore guys into hockey and the racist uncles who love football but hate kneeling. But NBA fans are such an irritating convergence of the most hollow pop culture addict assholes, splitting their love of a sport that’s only exciting for the final 3 minutes, with child-slave sneakers, Marvel’s latest exercise in arrested development, overrated rappers, and cursing out 8 year olds via XBOX Live. The hilarity of these fucking dorks insulting Chris Jericho for being a little dumpy, while giving zero respect to his consistent workrate, cardio, and character work. Ric Flair and Arn Anderson have had the same physique as 2020 Jericho since 1981. Kindly go fuck yourself. (These are the same jagoffs that tune into Raw and pop the rating whenever Goldberg shows up. Sorry wrestling superfans, unfortunately, THESE are the viewers WWE has been successfully pleasing for so long with their lazy digestible product.)

While we’re at it, let it be said once and for all: Twitter is a stupid platform for bad people. (Follow me @jessedraham!)

After the IC get the win, Hager talks shit on Wardlow who isn’t there this week, and says he’ll take him on next week. Calling it now: this match ends with them making out. Double DQ for aggressive fondling.

Super Lariat Bros. / Buck Hunt

It ain’t exactly “CM Punk Interrupts Paul Bearer’s Tribute”, but I respect the Acclaimed and the show including a dig on Dave Meltzer on the same week his mother died. “Mama Meltzer’s DOWN THERE, Davey!”

POP: AEW Christmas Story

Who wants to have a fetish about Scorpio Sky eating like a little piggy? How about MJF in a bunny suit? How about Moe, in a sailor suit, with a lolly? IT’S SO OUT OF CHARACTER!

In what’s actually a super great marketing idea, we later find TNT will be airing these AEW wrestler recreations all Christmas Day during the Christmas Story 24 hour marathon. This could be great visibility for the product. I also secretly hope a generation of children finds AEW via an interstitial of Eddie Kingston eating soap.

Diminish-Sting Returns

(I’m gonna regret using up that title too soon…)

We need to give a shoutout to Tony Schiavone’s AEW brand Marty McFly puffy vest. Dude look likes he’s modeling the Sears “Friendly Uncle” fashion line. Love it.

“It’s STTTTIIIINNNGGG!” Yep, it’s getting old already. Let’s change it up. “Here comes Stiiinnnggg!” “Gettin’ Stingy Wit Iiiiiiiiiitttt!”  “Every time I come around ya city, STING STING!!!”

Tony inquires “Sting, whatcha doin here?” and brings up Darby Allin, again lurking like the Phantom of the Amphitheater. 

Oh dear God, Sting does a Dusty Rhodes impression. I GUARANTEE that was in his contract. “Fine, I’ll pay for my own travel, I get to do my Dusty once a month.” I worked out a similar deal at my job. Dental insurance is overrated anyway.

The gist was, Sting owed much of his career to Dusty, and when he saw the Rhodes Clan doing it again on TNT, he felt a calling to join in.

 

Taz comes out in a REALLY NICE JACKET (No doubt from the competing “Shady Uncle” catalog). Says he’s sick of that “It’s STIIINNNGG” shit, and Taz has won me over finally. Ricky Starks looks great in his Night at the Roxbury shirt, but his short hair is disappointingly un-floppy for the gimmick.

Has Hook Taz (I don’t care what anybody says, that’s his name) said anything yet? Can he NOT speak? Maybe he inherited that from his REAL father! (lights go out, come back on revealing a man pointing to the heavens) IT’S SABU!

Sorry, wandered off into playland there. The lights go out and Darby is in the ring standing side by side, bat by skateboard with Sting. They look at each other in a moment of respect/confrontation. We get a match next week, Brian Cage vs. Darby Allin.

MJF Makes Me Feel Emotions

MJF breaks in on Santana and Ortiz playing cards. MJF breaks kayfabe telling Santana he knows he just lost somebody. MJF, tearing up, says he lost his grandpa to cancer recently as well, and that he knows how hard it is, and he’s here for him. Santana tells him to keep his head up. Ortiz begrudgingly joins in.

GREAT acting on MJF’s part, with his voice cracking and tearing up. I seem to recall a sweet tweet (stweet?) a few weeks back of MJF and his grandpa. So help me God if this is a work and something he planned, that’d be amazing work. These backstage segments have been consistently great since day one, and have accomplished so much more than the standard backstage interviews and staring sideways at television sets.

POP: Dark Order Says, “Wear a Helmet”

Where the shit have the Jurassic Express? Has LuchaSaurus been on SUPER quarantine, due to his race’s complete lack of immunity? Has Jungle Boy received all his childhood vaccinations?

Great combo work with Jungle Boy and Marko Stunt. You don’t get a lot of opportunities in wrestling to see two little guys do combo stuff, and it’s an interesting changeup. We’ve seen the little guy and the big guy since time immemorial. Shawn Michaels/Diesel, Enzo/Big Cass. Gimme more Kevin Sullivan/Kevin Sullivan style combos. Just bowling ball shaped men combos.

We even get some great triple team work from Jurassic Express when a slight timing issue leads to a back of the head bump for Stunt, which leads to him laying down for half a minute.

When we come back from break, Dark Order has been working over Jungle Boy for a hot minute. Dark Order get a little bit overshadowed in these matches, what with being a well oiled mostly masked monolith, but they’re playing their role perfectly. Luchasaurus gets the hot tag and cleans house, tagging in Stunt.

I’m a little concerned about Stunt here. I partially wondered how good of condition Stunt was in after whacking his head. He must’ve been slightly concerned as well, as the only other real slam he takes in the match, he blatantly protects himself by putting his arms behind his head. Even after JB picks up the win, you can see Luchasaurus lean down to Marko and, while I can’t read lips, the body language explicitly says, “I’m so sorry man, my bad.”

This is a weird grey area in modern wrestling and head injuries. On the one hand, it wasn’t anything as blatant as Matt Hardy getting knocked unconscious a few months back and the match continuing. On the other, it seemed like enough of an impact that Marko was cautious about hurting himself again. I wouldn’t say it was anybody’s responsibility to, say, STOP the match, other than Marko’s own discretion. But it certainly made me concerned for the guy in a non kayfabe way. Thankfully, everything seems okay.

Callous Callis

Marquez stalks Callis and Omega and Omega’s gnarly loud sportscoat. Callis accuses Khan of letting the wrestlers run the show. How Pac just shows up and demands a match and then a match happens. Callis dismisses all of the challenges against Omega, saying he answers to nobody. To Fenix, you had plenty of chances against Omega, and every time, he choked. What makes him think he deserves this? Omega might put him down for good over this hubris. Omega asks Callis if Impact would take back Fenix, only for Callis to dismiss him as injury prone, but we can give Konnan a call.  Nice Kayfabe breakage, referring to Fenix as injury prone.  Makes him look cowardly as shit.

POP: A Better Butcher

Butcher’s band Everytime I Die released some killer new tracks last week, so I’m a bit more pro-Butcher this week. Frequent readers know I can be a little rough on the guy, but it’s only because I WANT to love the man. He has a killer look, a throwback brawler physique, and he’s a gnarly guitarist in a proggy metal band. He’s ME if I tried a little harder. (Okay, MUCH harder) But he’s still missing a bit. If I had my druthers, here would be my Butcher wishlist.

1. Keep Him Against Smaller Guys or Occasional Larger guys, NO IN BETWEEN. This match works well, despite being pretty basic. This is the basic style Butcher is capable of: the slower lumbering monster, putting brawn against speed. Pac has only two winning strategies; chop him down, and strike when he can. The big bear stalking his prey naturally appeals to all viewers in their lizard brain. Similarly, it’s always interesting putting him up against a Wardlow, or a Hager, and watch big men bash off of each other. Where it falls apart are in your mid-sized guys. Your Codys, Moxleys, Omegaseses. That’s when the monster appears less menacing and more plodding, and it exposes Butcher and his lack of experience.

2. Keep Him With Blade and Bunny- They work SO WELL as the annoying little lackeys cheering him on at ringside and cheating where they can. Keep em outside talking shit and biting ankles.

3. More Vocal – I don’t mean give him more promo time. I mean get him making some noises in the ring. A yell, a growl, a ROAR. Put over the size and monstrousness of the guy. As it stands at the moment, he’s just a silent gentleman Butcher just going through the motions. He does NOT seem like he is out to destroy his opponent, but rather that he’s out here to have a wrestling match and remember his spots.

Butcher, you’re so damn close! With a little more polishing, you could… slightly more impress some douchebag blogger. Don’t listen to me. Can’t wait for the new album!

BOTCH: The Sight of Miro

Ugh…do we have to?

Kip promotes his upcoming nuptials as the first wrestling wedding on TNT. The Best Friends intro on the Khan Tron interrupts them, only for Kip et al to laugh, as they throw to more backstage footage of Trent? being loaded into an ambulance.

Kip announces the wedding date at Beach Break, Wednesday Feb 3. He then tongues his wife, while Miro hams it up and makes faces behind them as a willing 3rd wheel. Building him up strongly, no doubt.

Remember when Hulk Hogan got over by being in Greg Valentine’s wedding party?

POP: Evil Uno vs. Dustin Rhodes

Wait, they’re calling HIM Rhodes now? I thought that was just Cody. Well shit, good for the Rhodes clan.

Schiavone proceeds to over-explain the entire god forbidden “Seven” angle for the lazier fans in the audience that want references explained to them. NBA fans that stayed tuned in, for example. I’m sure they appreciated the explanation.

I’m not used to seeing Evil Uno in a single match. Come to think of it, he hasn’t done much wrestling at all lately. He’s been picking up the slack of Dark Order mouthpiece needed while Brodie Lee is off trying to expand into Norway or whatever. No shock, he does a great job playing the heel, rather convincingly against a man much larger than he. Lots of face slaps and finger stomps. (Fucking with individual fingers is ALWAYS a great heel move. Stomping, snapping, licking, ALWAYS gets heat.)

Dustin gets the wins and makes this ADORABLE taunt of holding up 7 fingers but putting on a facial expression of, “NUH UH, NO WAY!” God wrestling is so beautifully dumb.

Dust gets the win, but Uno is still pleading with him join. Dustin is a sore loser and kicks him in the face. Grayson comes and and tries to fuck him up but kinda botches the Nightfall. QT Marshall comes out, yada yada yada, you get it.  It’s fine.

Executive Vice Pricks

Spears asks Tony why he left the industry for 15 years. When Tony says he got burnt out, Spears says he agrees. He left New York, but though the letters change, the politics remain the same. He complains that he’s been buried for 18 months, better than anybody else on the roster. But he’s not gonna let it happen again. Tony stops him and says, “Maybe it’s you and your stupid ’10’ thing. Stupid.” Spears calls him a piece of shit and says he’s walking out, and to give the message to Tony Khan and his “Executive Vice Pricks”. (Punk bands, make “Executive Vice Pricks” your band name. You can go on an AEW reference world tour with “Thoracic Repressed”, “The Young Fucks” and “Anxious Millennial Cowboy)

POP: Shida vs. Pink

Note: Hikaru Shida did not in fact wrestle 00’s R&B pop star pink, rather I was too lazy and missed the name of the girl with all pink gear. Though the thought of Hikaru kneeing Pink in the face is a pleasant one.

Shida is about to be interviewed backstage when Abadon attacks. They’re separated fairly easily, and Shida takes her post to enter the arena. Shida attacks with a ferocity we rarely see, showing she means business. During the match, Abadon appears at ringside and Shida attacks her, almost getting counted out and getting rolled up. She gets the pin with the Falcon Arrow the one time they don’t do the whole “Nobody kicks out of the falcon arrow!” bit. Guys, don’t ruin that beautiful bit for me and get lazy.

Abadon wanders with her kendo stick to the fallen Abadon and pokes her, only for Abby to come to life like Michael Myers and beat down Shida. At one point she even takes a huge bloody bite out of Shida’s neck. (Please let’s not turn Abadon into a vampire, just keep her an otherwordly monster lately. One bite is okay, but stop the neck biting at least. Have her bite an ear, bite a nose, yank out a set of eyelashes. Shit, I hate that there’s no way to do it outside of a sexual fetish context*, but if Abadon straight up stood over an opponent and pissed on them Exorcist style, it would be the first truly disturbing creepy thing wrestling’s done in years.)

*I’m not into urine sexually. I’m into urine as a vehicle for otherwordly demonic possession. Which…doesn’t sound any better. Oh well, I refuse to edit.

I’m really looking forward to this match next week! I know she’s not gonna pull it off because she’s too green for the strap, but it’s gonna be nice watching Shida play out a different kind of match with somebody she fears. Yay wrestling motives! And maybe intimidation via urine!

It’s Fine: Acclaimed vs. Bucks

Acclaimed coming in with an 8 win streak.

Castor raps of the week. “Acclaimed stay hotter than Topanga”. Nope, now you done crossed the line. NOBODY is hotter than Topanga. Stay in your lane, and out of the “90s teen heartthrobs” division. Girl was NSYNC’s Lance Bass’ final girlfriend before he threw in the towel forever and went gay, you put RESPECT on her name.

You’d give up heterosexuality if you messed this up, too.

So, we get another match in a neverending series of matches of “Young Bucks vs. Young Upstarts of the Week”. This is where writing this blog is difficult, because there’s just so little to say about any of this. It’s perfectly cromulent wrestling. But it almost feels like…you know how in the wrestling territory days, the NWA champ would go from territory to territory and defend the belt against the local popular guy? These matches feel like I imagine that felt. You appreciate seeing the big guy giving the up-and-comer a rub, but it’s a little meh knowing the result in advanced. The Young Bucks are not losing the belts to the Acclaimed, and AEW doesn’t seem big on fuck-finishes for belts, so you know nothing’s happening like that either. When the result isn’t in doubt, and the match is always Champs vs. X, it’s hard to care. I’m sure it’s like many other modern trends where the evolution has been so great, it’s hard to appreciate this kind of booking anymore. Like when you get into craft beer and it’s impossible to go back to Natty Lite. Or how you become completely unenamored with someone you used to be madly in love with. Or how once you’ve tasted the flesh of man, the flesh of beast is so dull and unfulfilling.

Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Follow Jesse on Twitter if you’re also a bad person. @jessedraham. Listen to I Hate Infinite Jest Podcast.

     

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