Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Brock Lesnar once again defeated Matt Hardy, Piper’s Pit made an awkward return, Rey Mysterio and Tajiri pinned the tag team champions, The FBI picked a fight with the Undertaker and Nathan Jones, and Chris Benoit and John Cena advanced to the Number 1 Contender tournament finals. You can watch this week’s episode on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. We’re on The Road to Backlash, yes we are! Next Big Thing!
FINE: You Have Taken the Tumble
We open the show with a music video highlighting the tournament so far to the tune of “Remedy” by Cold. SmackDown rarely does music videos for its promos, so it’s a neat way to hype up the finals later tonight. But first, tag action! Our newest cruiserweight duo of Tajiri and Rey Mysterio face Big Show and the A-Train to start us off. You’d think Buzzsaw International would be getting a title shot after beating Team Angle clean as a sheet, but no, instead they get the two biggest dudes on the roster. Cole says Show and Train outweigh their opponents by 500 fucking lbs so, pretty raw deal for the faces.
It’s fairly competitive though, the cruisers get plenty of offense on A-Train… and then Big Show gets in there and kicks their asses. It’s hard to get excited for Big Show due to WWE’s handling of him throughout the years (and also sheer overexposure, if we’re being honest) but Show launching Mysterio ten feel in the air with one hand is a Pop, no question about it. After Show makes short work of the cruisers, Train nails Tajiri with a bicycle kick to the side of the head for three. So Tajiri and Rey Mysterio beat the tag team champions just to lose to Heavy Machinery the following week. And before you ask, Rey Mysterio and Tajiri will never team up again on TV. Only reason they got that win over Team Angle was because Rhyno and Benoit were busy that week, I suppose.
Train goes for a Derailer on Tajiri after the bell but the Buzzsaw mists him in the eyes, because A-Train can’t do anything right. While Show tends to his partner at ringside, Rey hits a 619 around the Steel Ring Post and knocks him on his ass. Show is very mad about it. He swears revenge on that little rascal and says he wants Mysterio one-on-one, and that’s another one for Backlash. Nobody embarrasses the Big Show and gets away with it! Unless your name is Brock Lesnar, in which case knock yourself out.
POP: A Match for Me
BOTCH: And it Went 3 Minutes
In a match booked exclusively for my enjoyment, Eddie Guerrero goes one-on-one with Jamie Noble. I love it. One of SmackDown’s biggest missed opportunities so far is their unwillingness to pair up random low-tier Cruiserweights with guys like Angle, Eddie and Benoit. Sure, we got a Kidman/Eddie mini-feud for a few weeks, but that’s about it. How cool would it be to get Benoit vs. Noble or Angle vs. Kidman? That’s how you bring back the golden age of SmackDown right there. Just announced, Eddie and Chavito will challenge Team Angle for the tag straps in ten days at Backlash. There’s this OTHER team that should MAYBE get a title shot, but I won’t get into that again. Team Angle walk out on stage before the match and cut a culturally insensitive promo. Shout out to Shelton’s accent man, what hell is he doing.
Jamie attacks Eddie off the distraction and he puts up a good fight against Latino Heat. Eddie gives Jamie some shine (he knows what it’s like to be locked in the Cruiserweight drawer, after all) but sadly the match is over before it gets going. Nidia tries to stop Eddie from going up top and Chavo shuts her down, enabling Eddie to land the Frog Splash in just under three minutes. They gave me juuuust enough to know they could’ve had a great match, but no, this is all we ever got between these two. Now I’m sad.
Before Team Angle leave, Los Guerreros grab a mic and say they respect the champs too. Then they say that, being amateur wrestlers, Team Angle like to do a lot of takedowns. And they go down on each other. And also, they suck. You get it. Both teams throw hands in the ring and the Guerreros send the champs packing. Props to these four for doing all their PPV build in five minutes, but I would’ve accepted two more minutes of Eddie vs. Noble.
BOTCH: Remember When
Hot off the presses, Sean O’Haire will make his in-ring debut at Backlash against the man contractually obligated to wrestle every single SmackDown debutant from here to eternity. Sean’s handler Roddy Piper gets another Piper’s Pit segment and after last week’s Pit, there’s nowhere to go but up. Piper briefly shits on keyboard warriors (in 2003!) before shifting his focus to… the 20-year-old Jimmy Snuka coconut segment. Of course. What else could he possibly talk about? Piper and his coconut made an enemy of Rikishi last week, but he’s also made a new friend in O’Haire. Hot Rod claims that O’Haire is the only wrestler of the new millennium with the brains, the brawn and the cojones that Piper once had. It’s a good endorsement, so I’ll try to go into this O’Haire/Piper partnership with an open mind.
O’Haire comes out next for a quick word and the heels get interrupted by Superfly himself. Because we’re still on the subject of the fucking coconut. Oh, and first thing Cole says when Snuka arrives:
I’ll never forget Snuka, Madison Square Garden, fifteen feet high in a steel cage, flying to the mat below, landing on Don Muraco! This is Superfly!
I’m the guy writing retro recaps so I know I have no grounds to say this, but “remember when” really is the lowest form of conversation. This is how we’re debuting The Devil’s Advocate, the guy with the best gimmick on SmackDown. We’re reminiscing about Jimmy Snuka and the coconut. The one positive here is that Snuka’s theme song is still fantastic all these years later. Piper tells Sean to let him handle Snuka on his own and he offers Jimmy a handshake. Snuka avoids the ensuing sucker punch and chops Piper down, so O’Haire levels Superfly, and that’s Rikishi’s cue. The heels leave Rikishi and the crazy old man lying after a scuffle, but ‘Kishi challenges Piper to a fight. That’s what we’re doing now. Sean O’Haire seems like the third most important person involved in this.
BOTCH: Striped Puppies
Playboy cover girl Torrie Wilson has a match against Nidia tonight and I’ll just grab the nearest pillow and scream into it to save you the trouble of reading six paragraphs about it. Before the match, Torrie gets harassed by Sable, the other hot blonde (Torrie = good, Sable = evil). Sable says she enjoyed seeing Torrie naked last week, and as bad as she is at reading her lines, we’ve seen much worse here on SmackDown. Then she asks Torrie for some help with her zipper, and then she goes full frontal on her. It’s the most basic, brainless lesbian titillation you’ve ever seen in your life, but hey, the teenage boys are losing their minds. Torrie meanwhile just says “okay” and leaves. You know, I don’t want to blame the victim here but you gotta start setting some boundaries, Torrie.
WWE airs a video of Torrie’s Playboy autograph signing and she still sounds excited about it. Again, I’m happy for Torrie, really, but SmackDown’s excuse for a women’s division has really taken its toll on me. I will admit the Playboy cover angle has breath new life into Torrie Wilson segments but I’m sitting in front of my computer about to watch Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia for the sixteenth time, it’s clearly not working out for me. There’s a twist though! Guess who’s reffing tonight. I’d like to know how Sable got this gig, either Stephanie was in a good mood this episode or Vince booked the show. The work is bad, Nidia almost dies off a back body drop, commentary spends the whole match giggling and Torrie wins. Noble tries to interfere but Sable dropkicks him out of the ring. Sable’s got something nefarious going on, I’ll tell ya.
POP/BOTCH: This One Also Goes Three Minutes
After over a month of messing with Matt Hardy Version 1.0, Brian Kendrick finally gets his Cruiserweight title shot. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT REALLY DIGS HIS BOOK” and “MATT’S FAVORITE SUSHI IS FRESHWATER EEL”. “Good stuff, I like tuna myself”, says Tazz. Brian wipes out Shannon with a suicide dive, but Matt takes control early on. After a good comeback from Kendrick, Matt blocks Sliced Bread and lands Twist of Fate to retain after three minutes. We watched an eleven minute long Piper’s Pit segment but Eddie/Noble and Kendrick/Hardy went three minutes each. Whatever, good Cruiserweight action nonetheless. And I try not to mention obvious edits because most of these SmackDown matches have them, but we jump from this to this. They just cut the whole finish. Anyways, don’t feel bad for Brian, he will get his hands on the Cruiserweight title in about 13 years.
POP?: Back to Boggo Road
Nathan Jones looks for revenge against Nunzio tonight after the FBI snitched on him last week. Taker’s finally getting that elbow surgery so he’ll be out for a little bit, looks like Nathan’s gonna have to carry this feud on his own. Here’s something funny: we see Nathan attack the FBI backstage, and he very clearly says “fuck” on WWE TV. It’s not censored on the Network, so I imagine it wasn’t censored on the live broadcast either. Have a listen:
Nunzio vs. Jones is our semi-main tonight and I, for one, have my money on Little Guido. Unlike the DeMott match, Jones looks fine here, he gets some offense and Nunzio’s more than willing to bump for him for all of 50 seconds until the rest of the FBI run in for the DQ. Jones gets the upper hand initially but the Damned Number’s Game proves too much for the colossus. The Italians end up shattering Jones’ ankle with the steel steps, and you won’t believe this, but this is the last we’ll see of Jones until November. He showed up after No Way Out, was taken out of his own Mania showcase match and immediately got written off TV. The fact this guy lasted a month and a half before getting shipped to OVW is funny enough to merit a Pop.
???: Home of the Brave
Mr. America is coming. If you know, you know, and if you don’t, you can figure it out.
POP: Doctor Disrespect
Earlier in the show, our new WWE Champion has an in-ring interview with Michael Cole, and you can tell he’s still in white meat babyface mode because he actually shakes Cole’s hand. We need to turn this guy again, man. Cole shows Brock footage of the Shooting Star Press incident and asks him why he’d do something like that. The real answer is “pressure from Johnny Ace”, but the kayfabe answer is “WrestleMania moment yadda yadda pull out all the stops yadda yadda”. Brock also says Kurt Angle kicked out of two F5s at Mania, but he only kicked out of the first one. Then again, Brock did get concussed, maybe I’m being too harsh on him. Brock also asks Cole if he wants to take an F5 and Cole says no. Not until 2015 anyways. The crowd adores face Brock, by the way, they’re eating him up.
Cena shows up, calls Brock a liar (and a white boy) and says there’s no way he could’ve gotten a concussion if he doesn’t have a brain! Funny stuff, John. Cena’s material here’s a little weak, but he’s a great promo so he makes it work. John says he’s bigger than the Next Big Thing and bigger than the WWE title, enter Benoit. Been a while since we’ve had a proper WWE Promo Parade on one of these, huh? Benoit tells Cena to respect the belt, even if he doesn’t respect the champ, and Brock takes offense to that. Brock asks Benoit if he doesn’t respect him. Benoit asks Brock if he doesn’t respect him. And John says he wants some spare respect too. Yeah, a lot of respecting going on this episode. Brock shakes hands with both guys (RESPECT!) and Cena gets a cheap shot on Benoit before bailing.
And before the Number 1 Contender finals, another Cena freestyle!
Don’t you EVER tell me who I can and can’t respect
You’ll wind up in surgery with another broken neck
At least you all set when you get your release
If you ever go broke, rent the space between your teeth
No, you don’t like what I’m saying? I don’t care, you get flipped off
Don’t ever judge me dude, you just a Dynamite ripoff
Yo, youse a Rabid Wolverine but you missing a fang
I tie strings to acorns so I can let my nuts hang
You ready to settle this? Then come on out and fight me
I ain’t allergic to your rabies dog, go ahead and bite me
The Dynamite Kid bar was too smart for this crowd. Cena vs. Benoit is a first time matchup, and a fine choice for the tournament finals. It’s good to see Benoit getting some kind of push again, at least. Feels like any momentum he got off that title match with Angle died down once he got sent back to the tag division. Obviously, wrestling-wise, Benoit will be fine, but it’s still worth noting that he went from the match of the year at the Rumble to a three-way tag at Mania. Benoit gets the better of Cena on the mat and hand-to-hand while John consistently finds new openings to get back on offense. It’s a rock solid bout between these two, easily Cena’s best singles match up to this point in his career. They go back and forth throughout, which works super well because:
- It allows Cena to get plenty of offense and keep up with Benoit
- It doesn’t force John to work on top and slow the match down for long periods like previous matches have
Benoit misses the Headbutt (oof) but is able to quickly apply the Crossface. Cena reaches the ropes and reverses a second Crossface attempt into the FU, Benoit counters with a Sunset Flip, and Cena counters the counter by hooking the legs à la Bret/Davey Boy for three. Cena’s going to Backlash! Look at how our boy has grown… Good match though, kudos for putting Cena over clean and extra kudos for that finish. I know I’ve bitched about John not having a finisher in the past, but sometimes wrestlers look way better when they win by the skin of their teeth instead of just hitting their move and getting the dub. Great stuff. Good luck with Brock, Johnny Boy!
And that’s our show! Join us next time for SmackDown, featuring:
- John Cena vs. Rhyno
- Nunzio vs. Chris Benoit
- Rey Mysterio vs. Crash (oh hey Crash)
- Roddy Piper vs. Rikishi
- Chavo Guerrero vs. Shelton Benjamin
- Tajiri vs. Big Show
- A-Train vs. Brock Lesnar
- …And the Sable Invitational Female Body Challenge. I don’t know either man I’m just writing these down.
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
