Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, WWE Rebellion! Booker T hit that spinaroonie, Billy Kidman almost killed himself, Jamie Noble retained his Cruiserweight Championship, Chuck Palumbo showed ass, Benoit and Angle co-existed and Edge came ever so close to snatching the Undisputed Title. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re still on The Road to Survivor Series, baby! Next Big Thing!
POP: Season of the Witch
On Hallowe’en the old ghosts come about us, and they speak to some; to others they are dumb.
IT’S SCARE O’CLOCK MOTHERFUCKERS! We are gathered here tonight for a very special Halloween SmackDown, featuring all your favorite superstars. Everyone is here!
- Ron Simmons as a wrestling pimp (not to be confused with the wrestling pimp or the other wrestling pimp)
- Eddie Guerrero as El Zorro and Chavo Guerrero as a nondescript Mexican bandit
- Shannon Moore as an oxymoronic exorcist/demon and Tajiri as Disco Stu
- Stephanie McMahon as busty witch
- Bill DeMott (¿?) as tie-dye Viking (¡¿?!)
- Billy Kidman as Erik The Phantom, Chuck Palumbo as a tribal chief and Funaki as Superman, all bought from the nearest dollar store
- Torrie Wilson as Xena, Warrior Princess
- Dawn Marie as Hot Cop and Al Wilson as old Fonzie. Or maybe he’s Schwarzenegger in Genisys
- Noble and Nidia as Each Other
- Matt Hardy as Himself
- AND FINALLY… John Cena in his greatest role yet: Vanilla Ice
Yes folks, this marks the first appearance of White Rapper John Cena. He’s not Doctor of Thuganomics just yet, as this is technically just a one-time thing, but we’ll get there soon. Since I can, I’m gonna start writing these down:
Alright stop, collaborate and listen
Ice is back with a new proposition, your position is that of a failure
I’ma nail you to Jamie Noble’s trailer
And then I dare you to run around and cause a scare
Give people the shakes and make ‘em change their underwear
I’m on top, it’s my fault that you’re under there
You wanna bare? Have Baldo shave his back hair
Fast, I gotta go, it’s been a blast
Came out the block and stole Rey Mysterio’s mask
Tried to get Taker’s cast but it was plastered on too tight
Peace, I gotta go; about to hotwire his bike…
Fueguisimo. There’s a couple highlights, like Tajiri running into his former manager Torrie Wilson and assuring her he has a new lady, then immediately falling into the hands of perennial cameo stars Mae Young and Fabulous Moolah. Cena throws a couple more bars at Steph:
The old man’s got a plan, and he’s chillin’ in the buildin’
Did I tell you I’m like light beer? I taste great and I’m less fillin’
…what he means is, Vince is waiting in Steph’s office. Yes, Vince McMahon, on SmackDown!
Stephanie walks into her office and finds Eric Bischoff waiting for her in a rubber Vince McMahon mask. Because there are apparently rubber Vince McMahon masks. News to me! They argue about Scott Steiner (yes, Scott Steiner) who’s apparently the newest free agent up for grabs. Steiner = Ratings, this is known. Stephanie ends up making out with a dude dressed like her dad, which should tell you something about the guy that writes this stuff.
SLIGHT POP: Three on a Meathook
While Edge may or may not have failed to defeat Brock Lesnar in a match we’ll never mention again, tonight he battles Chris Benoit in our opening contest. Remember, Edge and Rey will challenge Angle and Benoit next week. They’re Number 1 Contenders, after all! Well, Number 2 Contenders actually, but Rebellion doesn’t count. I know you’re wondering; how can I possibly give Benoit and Edge a Slight Pop? These two should be physically incapable of having a bad match, right? Yeah, and the match is good, it’s just the finish that bothers me. Benoit traps Edge in the Crossface, Edge inadvertently grabs onto the ref and somehow blocks his vision. My god, LOOK AT THAT. Marko Stunt is harder to manhandle than this dude.
Kurt Angle just so happens to run down and interfere while Edge distracts the ref, so this is all very convenient for him. Angle doesn’t attack Edge, though, he attacks Benoit. I assume Kurt does this because he’s still salty he lost last week. Then again, I don’t really know, and they don’t care to explain it. Also, Kurt has a match later on tonight, so what exactly makes him think Benoit isn’t just gonna run down later and fuck him over? Edge hits a plancha onto Angle and spears Benoit for the victory. The tag champions are really stupid!
On that note, Benoit goes looking for Angle amidst the partygoers and Kurt outsmarts him by wearing a Ghostface outfit. This will come into play later.
POP: The Asshole Parade
As previously stated, Kurt returns for a singles against Eddie in a nice prelude to WrestleMania XX. Eddie’s got a ponytail tonight, which kinda makes him look like RVD’s non-union Mexican equivalent. This is the first Eddie/Angle match to go above the ten-minute mark, and these two are so good together. Eddie’s always bumped like a maniac for everyone, but Angle’s perfectly willing to hold his end of the bargain. A couple questions remain unanswered, however: Are the Guerreros driving Angle and Benoit apart to get Benoit by their side and form a super faction? Do they plan to get the tag titles and leave Chris’ ass in the dust? Is Eddie ever gonna shave that fucking mullet?
Eddie does the usual, grabbing onto the ropes for leverage, low blows, lying, stealing, a little bit of cheating, etc. There’s a ref bump and Chavo runs down to save the day, but Kurt takes care of him. Angle goes after Eddie again… just in time to get brained by a belt shot from Benoit. Eddie wins with a Frog Splash, and Benoit attacks both Guerreros as well. So they’re NOT in cahoots, in case you were wondering. I’m starting to realize this tag division is just a bunch of guys attacking each other mid-match.
Angle goes wreaking havoc backstage, finds someone dressed up as Ghostface and assumes it’s Benoit even though it’s obviously Bruce Pritchard. Benoit attacks his partner and the two men simultaneously knock each other out. It’s never a real party until the boys start throwing hands.
BOTCH: Lazarus Pit
Torrie and Dawn face off… again… in a Trick-or-Treat match. The rules are simple: there’s a big ass “Trick-or-Treat pit” filled with chocolate and (I’m quoting Cole here) “who knows what else”. Yeah real funny guys, who pissed in the chocolate pit? The biggest issue with fanservice on SmackDown is that you have precisely four women in your roster. One of them is your GM and one of them is Nidia, who is supposed to be comically unattractive. Which means you have only two girls at your disposal and you’ve had them wrestle each other twelve times in five weeks. Torrie is also 4-1 against Dawn in singles, bikini, lingerie and mixed tags, so it’s not exactly a Best of Seven either.
They show up in costume and Cole describes Torrie’s Xena outfit as “Dominatrix Heidi”. Top notch work from Cole tonight. The ladies immediately throw food at each other’s faces and jump into the pit. The referee tries to instill order in this chocolate pit match so he gets dumped in there as well. Points to Torrie for landing the best suplex she’s ever hit inside a fucking chocolate pit. In case you’re wondering, yes, the ladies roll over the ref in this match, too. They do like fifty chops and Torrie wins easily, like always. While she’s at it, she dumps Tony Chimel into the pit for reasons beyond our comprehension.
POP: Shadows of the Big Man
For the first time since I’ve started writing this column, we finally get to see Paul Heyman sit down and talk with his client. Brock’s relationship with Paul is one of the most interesting things about him, so it’s nice to get a glimpse of their dynamic from time to time. Heyman cuts an insane promo comparing Hell in a Cell to Ali vs. Frazier. The Thrilla in Manila. A match so brutal, so violent, that it changed both men. That cell (in kayfabe, at least) did something to Brock Lesnar, he just won’t admit it. All Brock Lesnar wants to do is keep moving, pick people up and spin them back down to the mat. But you can’t manhandle the Big Show. You can’t suplex the Big Show. You can’t F5 the Big Show. Point blank, Brock Lesnar cannot beat the Big Show. Sure, we know he can, but Paul makes a pretty good point here. How exactly does Brock expect to run through the biggest wrestler on the planet, especially after the most grueling match of his career?
Speaking of, Big Show’s steps into a SmackDown ring for the first time against last week’s victim, Rikishi. Show’s wresting in a shirt and jeans, which looks super weird. He squashes Rikishi in a couple of minutes (so long, main event ‘Kishi) and taunts Brock ahead of Survivor Series. Show also makes a pretty good point here, saying it took Brock two months to beat the Undertaker while he did it in five minutes. Against Heyman’s (very panicky) advice, Brock shows up and calls Show a giant piece of shit. And I have to admit… I’m kinda digging this feud.
Yeah, the match is probably gonna be bad, but the build’s been great. Since SummerSlam, Brock’s title matches have been pretty hit and miss. Brock vs. Rock and Brock vs. Edge were good because they made Lesnar look like an unstoppable amateur wrestling machine. And then there’s the Taker feud, which (aside from being overbooked to hell) just felt like a waste of Brock’s talent. The first match sucked dick, and the second was a violent brawl that literally anybody could’ve done. Anybody. Any wrestler over 6 feet could’ve done that Cell match and it would’ve made no difference. Lesnar vs. Show works, however, because it gives Brock an impossible obstacle to overcome in very impressive fashion. Big Show is big, Brock Lesnar is strong, pay-per-view. Good stuff. As he leaves, Show mentions he’s been advised not to attack Lesnar… but he’ll do something to him, alright.
POP: Buzzsaw Blues
Matt Hardy Version 1.0 faces off against Da Funky Weapon, Tajiri. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT ALWAYS GOT MORE HALLOWEEN CANDY THAN HIS BROTHER” and “MATT HAS SEEN ALL THE FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES”. Damn, even Jason X? Poor guy. This is Matt’s second match against a Cruiserweight since SummerSlam; pay attention to this, it’ll come back later. The match is good, because Tajiri’s fuckin’ great. It’s amazing how easily Tajiri’s moveset pops the crowd. I don’t know if it’s the kicks, or the flips, or the tarantula, but that dude could make anything look cool. They have a pretty solid back and forth bout, and Matt wins with a Twist of Fate after a low-blow. Obviously, I’m cool with rocketing Matt up the card, but please keep giving Tajiri singles matches.
POP: Death Sentence
In the spirit of Halloween, masked menace Rey Mysterio gets a shot at a very gruesome demise at the hands of Brock Lesnar. Take his eye out, Brock! Beat up his son! Lesnar vs. Mysterio is THE match I’ve been asking for since I started writing this so, as you can tell, I’m pretty pumped. Smart booking, too, as you’re building to Lesnar’s match with the biggest guy in the roster by having him wrestle the smallest. Contrast! Lesnar trains with weights heavier than Rey, so it’s not much of a fair fight. He deadlifts the poor guy like he’s picking up a towel and tosses his ass like a backpack full of newspapers. In a pretty funny bit, Rey covers behind the steel steps and then tricks Lesnar into playing hide and seek. I can’t believe we didn’t get a PPV match between these two until last year.
Unfortunately, just as Rey sets Brock up for the 619, Big Show spawns and yeets his ass into the 4th row for the DQ. I’d like to note, Brock Lesnar vs. Rey Mysterio went 4:00. I’m so mad. Big Show beats the shit out of Brock and Chokeslams him on the announce table. Or Spinebusters him. It’s all semantics, anyway.
And that’s our show! Join us next week as Billy Kidman finally gets a Cruiserweight title program, Rikishi stands up to John Cena’s wrath, Matt Hardy looks to cut Big Show down to size, Al Wilson pops the question, Eddie Guerrero battles Brock Lesnar and Edge and Mysterio finally get their rematch against Benoit and Angle: Two-out-of-Three falls. Holy shit, do these cards look good. Make sure to leave a comment below (I read all of them, trust me) and join the Discord. SmackDown!
