Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, we kicked off a tournament to name a new Number 1 Contender, Matt Hardy dug his own grave for the fiftieth time, Sable made her way to the blue brand, Team Angle got a rare non-title win, the FBI got in Undertaker’s business and Mr. McMahon effectively ended Hulkamania for real. You can watch this week’s episode on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. We’re still on The Road to Backlash, baby! Next Big Thing!
FINE: Once More Unto the Breach
So we open the show with the inevitable consequences of Matt Hardy’s mistakes, the Champion vs. Champion match. Due to the Shooting Star Press incident, Brock is back in full babyface mode. I mean, sure, technically he’s been a face since late October, but he was still 2002 angry grizzly bear Brock Lesnar. Now he’s smiling on his way to the ring, shaking hands with folks backstage and signing autographs on young ladies’ breasts. It’s more than a little weird, I ain’t gon lie. Also, I’m pretty sure that’s Mr. Kennedy back there. Kennedyyyy. Anyway, our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT’S BOOK IS A NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER – OF COURSE” and “MATT IS CURRENTLY THE LONGEST REIGNING SINGLES CHAMPION ON SMACKDOWN”. That last one’s pretty funny.
Brock starts things off by kicking Matt’s little toy belt to the side and showing off his own belt. I can already tell this match is gonna do wonders for the Cruiserweight title. Matt actually gets the upper hand early on, taking advantage of Shannon’s interference to smash Brock’s lovely belt into the back of his skull. This one’s slightly more competitive than previous Matt Hardy thrashings since Brock has decided to start selling. Partly because he’s a sympathetic babyface now (yes, Brock Lesnar) but mostly because of the concussion. Matt doesn’t get much shine here, though, as Brock promptly gets back on top by Electric Chair-ing Matt onto that stack of dimes he calls a neck. I guess he doesn’t like being the only one in there with a concussion. Despite more Shannon chicanery, Brock wins a basic match with a neat Twist of Fate reversal. This was fine!
POP, SOMEHOW: The Beauty Pair
The two prettiest people on SmackDown team up in mixed tag action, as Torrie Wilson and Brian Kendrick take on, who the fuck do you think, yeah it’s Jamie Noble and Nidia. Jamie and Nidia are to mixed tags what Kane was to the Inferno match, in that it’s their signature stipulation yet they somehow manage to lose 95% of them. Sable sits at ringside, presumably to play psychosexual mind games with Torrie Wilson. Why? I dunno. Cause she’s a hot blonde and hot blondes love to play psychosexual mind games with people. I’ve seen Basic Instinct man, I know what I’m talking about.
Anyways, you’re not going to believe me but this match is actually really good. It’s by far the best mixed tag match I’ve ever seen on SmackDown, and I’ve seen SO MANY. Low bar to clear, but still, Kendrick and Jamie are awesome together and we get some great tag spots between them and the girls. Brian was good during this time, what can I say. Afterwards, Sable invades Torrie’s locker room while she’s showering and mildly annoys her. Creepy, yeah, but why did Torrie Wilson leave her locker room AND bathroom doors open while taking a shower? Seems like a sensible question to me.
SLIGHT POP: Friendly Fire
Tag partners collide as Chris Benoit and Rhyno meet in the semifinals of the Number 1 Contenders tournament. Side note, I still don’t know what to call these two. I was thinking “The Hunt” but not enough people watch NXT UK for that reference to land. Nonetheless, Rhyno and Benoit confront Brock backstage and honestly Brock doesn’t seem too worried about facing either guy, but he does tell them to beat each other up real nice. Weirdly enough, no mention is made of last week’s attack on Rhyno, and Rhyno never asks Chris what the hell he was doing while he got the shit stomped out of him by the two biggest dudes on the roster. Wouldn’t have thought a guy called “The Man-Beast” would just let that slide, frankly.
We get a solid match between these two, albeit not a very exciting one. Rhyno looks like a total stud here, as he gets the better of Benoit for most of it, even on the mat. They do the classic “hold onto the ropes while your opponent tries a dropkick” spot, and I only bring this up because when have you ever seen Chris Benoit go for a dropkick. Eventually, Benoit’s able to hit a PPV caliber headbutt from 3/4s of the way across the ring. Extremely horrifying, but impressive, I’ll admit. Rhyno blocks the ensuing Crossface, but Benoit catches him with a backslide to advance in the tournament. They shake hands afterwards, and sadly I believe this is the closest Rhyno will ever get to sniffing the SmackDown main event scene.
BOTCH: The Boss is Back
After a fourteen year absence, tonight marks the return of Piper’s Pit! We get a few little snippets of Piper talking about his favorite Piper’s Pit moments throughout the first half of the show, including the Jimmy Snuka coconut segment, of course. Before we enter the Pit, we get some promo time with Mr. McMahon. Vince basically recaps everything that happened last week and introduces us to another one of his creations (his words, not mine) Roddy Piper. Roddy shows up with a pissed look on his face and gets extremely heated at Vince for claiming ownership of the Hot Rod.
Vince tells Rod to sit down and then proceeds to make fun of his weight. And he doesn’t stop. He just riffs on Piper’s gut for what feels like ten minutes. Vince keeps going and going and going, he throws absolutely every fat joke he can muster at Piper one after another. Never in my life have I seen Vince McMahon have this much fun, I am dead serious. Obviously, after all these years of watching WWE programming, I have a pretty good idea of what makes Vince McMahon laugh, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen him indulge in it on television. Piper quickly strikes back by shitting on Vince’s other ventures (rock and roll, the WBF, the XFL) and claiming that the only job he ever succeeded in was the one his daddy gave him. He even calls him “Junior”.
Now’s when the segment starts to get a little heavy. Don’t get me wrong, Vince McMahon and Roddy Piper wrote the book on cutting intense promos, but unlike the Vince/Hogan feud, the heat between these two goes beyond tense and crosses into uncomfortable. They look like they’re about to stab each other, which in most promos would be great, but here it feels so awkward. It’s like two family members trying to act calm through the most heated discussion you’ve ever heard at the dinner table. Since it’s Vince and Piper, I’m willing to believe that this was intentional, but the crowd doesn’t know how to react to it and neither do I. After a long, agonizing exchange, they eventually shake hands over, what else, their shared hatred of Hulk Hogan. But Piper still makes sure to talk shit on Vince on his way out.
Vincent! Vincent, Vincent, I forgot… if we’re gonna sit here and give you credit, I’d like to give you credit for everything you deserve. Even you, sir, have done something I could not accomplish in my whole career! And that is, at WrestleMania, you got beat by Hulk Hogan! One! Two! Three! Bam!
And Vince gives Piper this look.
We’re not done yet though. Rikishi shows up holding a coconut, looking for revenge over what happened to Jimmy Snuka… what, 20 years prior? I get it, the Jimmy Snuka coconut segment is one of those things WWE insists on being iconic, but I really don’t see it. I’m not saying it wasn’t a good segment, but why do we act like it was Shawn throwing Marty through the window? Why does Rikishi give the slightest fuck that Superfly got a coconut smashed over his head in 1984? ARE WE EVER GOING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT RIKISHI DRESSES LIKE THIS?! Whatever, before Rikishi can assault an old man, he gets attacked by Piper’s newest partner in crime…
Uhh. Okay? Sean O’Haire. What the fuck. I don’t know what he’s doing here, and even commentary wonders why he’s helping Roddy Piper of all people. I mean, Sean’s got a pretty well defined gimmick, you know? Not sure what he and Piper have in common besides both of them being heels, but hey, here’s Sean O’Haire. They smash the coconut over Rikishi’s head and oh my god if Rikishi feuds with another new guy right out the gate I swear to fucking Christ
BOTCH: The French Connection
We get a (frankly terrible) vignette from René Duprée and former crooked Canuck referee Sylvan Grenier, who will soon be debuting as La Résistance. Lucky for us, they’ll be stuck on Raw. It’s your basic “America sucks and we’re smarter than you” promo, except delivered by two guys with really funny French accents. Kinda like the Un-Americans, remember them? I try not to! I believe this team came about after France opposed the US invasion of Iraq in 2003, because WWE will never waste an opportunity to make extremely poor political statements. Give it a watch, these two crack me up:
SLIGHT POP: Buzzsaw International
Team Angle head to the ring and demand a moment of silent prayer for their captain, Kurt Angle, who will be having neck surgery tomorrow. The crowd shits all over them. Quick question: In kayfabe, did Team Angle honestly think the crowd was gonna follow along with that? Are they delusional heels who think they’re babyfaces like Kurt used to be, or are they just really bad at reading the room? Charlie’s fine here, but Shelton slurs on his words quite a bit while making fun of the local sports team. Shelton’s great, but he was not a good promo. Tajiri looks for revenge after what Team Angle did to poor Funaki last week, and he’s found a new partner: Rey Mysterio. Rey’s the Brock Lesnar of Cruiserweights, so this is a smart move.
Team Angle vs. Rey and Tajiri sounds great on paper and it works in practice, even though it’s pretty short. Just like Kurt, Team Angle work wonders against Cruiserweights, and aside from a messy facebuster from Rey, the work here is good. Rey hits 619 on Charlie, he drops da dime, and sure enough, Rey and Tajiri have beaten the tag team champions! You have to think this puts them in line for a title opportunity! I won’t comment on Team Angle taking the fall because I know how WWE books its shows and there’s only so many times I can rant about the same thing. Match was good though, so that’s a Pop (with an asterisk).
BOTCH: Whoever Wins, We Lose
Nathan Jones takes on Bill DeMott in a match created specifically for me to have a bad time. DeMott’s push is officially over, though, so there is a silver lining. This is one of those matches that are clearly designed to put someone over but it’s hilarious how unimpressive Jones is here. He doesn’t do any power moves, he doesn’t do any martial arts kicks, literally all he does is throw DeMott out of the ring and win with the weakest big boot of all time once Bill gets back in. Match went 80 seconds, Jones did maybe three moves. Go Nathan, give us nothing!
BOTCH: The F-U-B-I
Oh, and speaking of Nathan, the FBI accuse him of stealing from their bags and Jones gets escorted out of the building by the police. Nunzio and company make sure to act as suspicious as possible, by the way, it’s like something out of L.A. Noire. Taker tries to help his friend, calling it discrimination against a man who paid his debt to society. And then he ends the segment with “See, this is just another example…” and he makes it sound so dramatic, I love it. Taker can’t worry about Nathan Jones for too long, he’s got a semifinals match with John Cena in our main event. We’re back to transcribing Cena’s raps!
Yo, it’s the new rookie phenom, I’m changing the guard
Deadman Inc. is bankrupt, I’m repossessing his yard!
Yeah he’s a big dog and I’m a pup, but I’ll bark this
For him to beat me tonight, he needs an Army full of Darkness
You can’t take me, cause if you do, I’ma trash this
I hope Paul Bearer’s got a new urn to bury your ashes
I’m worse than the Chicago fire, I burn your whole town
I got Chicago running scared, I turn your White Sox brown
Yo, I’m strong as a muscle car, and this ain’t my last ride
I’ll leave you like Chicago when Jordan left, stripped of your pride
My practice is chiropractic, do not break your back
So you’re a dead man? I’M A NECROPHILIAC!Word life.
Not sure about that last one, John. Well, we got Undertaker vs. John Cena, another huge matchup WWE never truly capitalized on, though they will meet again on a larger scale. Taker feels extremely disrespected after Cena’s comments last week (and also just now) so he kicks Cena’s ass pillar to post. Cena gets zero offense for the first half of this match, but after a while he’s able to target Taker’s heavily bandaged elbow. Taker was apparently supposed to have surgery on it and put it off for a spot in the tournament, so Cena’s offense revolves entirely around the elbow. He’s no Dean Malenko, so it’s less than stellar, but he’s trying.
They wind up bumping the ref, which allows the Full-Blooded Italians to attack. Ah, the classic SmackDown unprotected chairshot, back by popular demand. Jones is in custody and every other face on the show is busy in catering so there’s nobody to help Undertaker out. May I remind you that the FBI, who are now involved in a main event feud with the Undertaker, have yet to win a single match. Cena puts his arm over Taker’s chest and gets the dub with one of those slow-ass melodramatic three-counts. Not a good match, but it’s another big win for John, even if he looked like an absolute geek that got a fluke victory thanks to interference from the worst wrestlers on the show. Then again, that’s what a WWE push looks like. Either way, Cena/Benoit in the finals next week. Who’s losing to Brock at Backlash?!
And that’s our show! Join us next time for SmackDown, featuring:
- Tajiri & Rey Mysterio vs. A-Train & Big Show
- Eddie Guerrero vs. Jamie Noble (ayo?)
- Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia (motherfucker)
- Matt Hardy vs. Brian Kendrick
- Nunzio vs. Nathan Jones
- …And John Cena vs. Chris Benoit, to determine the Number 1 Contender!
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
