Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, the Undertaker punched a steel ring post (ha), Dawn Marie made a move on Torrie Wilson’s father, Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit advanced to the semifinals of the tag team tournament, Los Guerreros set their master plan in motion, Tajiri and Brock Lesnar tagged together and a ghost from the Undertaker’s past made an unexpected return. We’re just days away from No Mercy, daddy! Next Big Thing!
Writer’s note: Sorry for the delay! I’ve been having some massive internet issues as of late, even while writing this, and I’ve been up to my neck in college work. But we’re back on track, and No Mercy should be good. As always, thank you so much for reading.
POP: V1 is Online
BOTCH: Shower Thoughts
After weeks of heated lingerie and bikini-based battle, Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie meet once again in a mixed tag. Before that, however, Torrie warns her (recently divorced) father not to fool around with that jezebel Dawn Marie. It’s a matter of life or death! Their partners tonight are Rikishi and Matt Hardy VERSION 1.0. Yes, tonight marks the debut of Matt Hardy’s search engine titantron, perhaps the greatest entrance video of all time. I love how the framerate drops due to bad connection. Our Matt Fact for the day is “MATT HARDY HAS BEATEN THE UNDERTAKER 2 STRAIGHT TIMES” Beautiful.
So, Torrie and Dawn wrestle for a while, including a disgustingly bad swinging neckbreaker, and the fellas eventually reel it in. Rikishi tries a double Stinkface, and Matt (who is quickly becoming my favorite wrestler) uses Dawn’s face to block ‘Kishi’s ass. Love this dude. Torrie rolls Dawn up, but Matt reverses the hold to give his team the win. Torrie teases a Stinkface, but Matt winds up eating Rikishi’s ass anyways. The Stinkface is like death in the Final Destination movies; you don’t really escape it.
It’s not all good news for Torrie, though, as she finds her father in the shower with her arch nemesis. And he’s… wearing a shirt? In the shower? Oh, and we’re also doing Torrie/Dawn at the PPV. That’s the bad part.
POP: God’ll Cut You Down
We’re almost at the the tag team tournament finals, people! Out of eight ¿elite? teams, we’re down to four, speeding everfaster to one of my favorite tag team matches of all time. We start the show with the most predictable match in the entire tournament: Edge & Rey Mysterio vs. Reverend D-Von & Ron Simmons. Three guesses as to who goes to the PPV.
Yeah, it’s an easy call, but a fun match. Rey and Edge are the most over men on the roster (mainly Edge, since we’re in Toronto tonight), and the heels bump appropriately. Obviously, the hometown boy gets the win after an Edgecution. D-Von even wore his lucky Dudley Boyz boots for nuthin’! Los Guerreros attack the faces immediately, because they’re a pair of dicks, which begs the question: Is this the match we’re gonna see come Sunday? Who’s taking the tag team titles?! Call your local cable provider, it’s No Mercy!
BOTCH: IFHY
So, uh… remember last week, when Nidia got her boyfriend (who was Crusierweight champ, and booked, and in a tournament) kicked out of the building? Well, tonight they face off in a singles match. Noble and Nidia. Yes, for real. Tajiri’s reffing, too. I feel like I missed an episode. The STATE of the Cruiserweight title picture, Jesus Christ. Both of them are super into the idea of beating each other up on live TV, too. That is, until the match starts, and suddenly Noble’s doing a Sophie’s Choice bit about punching his girlfriend in the face. This shit is so weird.
Noble wins via roll-up, like he always does, and they make out afterwards. They also attack poor Tajiri, who got beaten up by both of his tag partners two weeks in a row. We’re getting Tajiri vs. Noble at No Mercy, and let’s hope to god they get more than five minutes.
POP: Know Your Enemy
Los Guerreros return backstage to find their friend (who they totally didn’t beat up last week), Chris Benoit. Eddie tells his esse vato that they are familia and he would never attack him backstage with a steel chair. Especially not in front of TV cameras on a taped show. Benoit just stands there silently while Eddie weeps about WCW, which is equal parts funny and uncomfortable. Eddie screams “YOU’RE HURTING MY FEEEEELINGS” while bouncing around like a goddamn cartoon, but Benoit doesn’t actually say anything. Maybe he believes Eddie? I mean, if you can’t trust a Guerrero, who can you trust?
Angle interrogates Benoit, asks if he’s jealous of his gold medals, and then calls him stupid for believing Eddie and Chavo. Yeah, I don’t think Kurt knows what “de-escalation” means. Benoit still doesn’t say a word… whose side is he on? The amoral dumbass or the amoral dumbasses? Mysterio and Edge run out to get even with Eddie and Chavo, and they wind up laying Benoit and Angle out, too. This is the first time we’ve ever seen the SmackDown Six in the same place at the same time, but they’ll meet again.
Right now, it’s Los Guerreros vs. Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit. The heel/face alignments are a little off here but the work is so great, I don’t think the crowd cares. Benoit is Canadian, and for some reason Toronto treats Angle like he’s Bret Hart in ’97. Behind all the Torrie/Dawn stuff and the terrible build for Lesnar/Taker, SmackDown’s still insanely good at throwing these guys out there and letting them work. Chavo takes those German suplexes like a champ, I’m telling you. At one point, Eddie lands the cleanest Frog Splash I’ve ever seen him hit, only for Benoit to immediately drag him into a Crossface. SmackDown’s just knocking it out of the park with these tag matches, man.
Here’s the finish: Eddie bumps Angle and Benoit and the ref at the same damn time, and then capitalizes to lock Kurt in the Lasso. Angle’s a submission guy, though, so he reverses into the Ankle lock. Eddie taps, no ref. Chavo brings A GODDAMN CHAIR into the ring, and Benoit snatches it… but he doesn’t attack.
He shakes Chavo’s hand. He aims for Angle… and then turns around and cracks the chair over Chavo’s skull. Angle pins Eddie, and the tournament finals are set. Turns out Angle and Benoit CAN co-exist after all. Who’d’ve thought.
POP: The Prototype Strikes
After a tag loss last week, Velocity’s own Billy Kidman is in action tonight against his former partner John Cena. We caught up with John Cena earlier tonight, and he had this to say!
Just for the record – last week when Billy Kidman and I lost to Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit, you know who tapped out to lose that match? Billy Kidman, not me!
Billy Kidman better get used to losing.
Yes, that’s bland babyface John Cena being a dick. Won’t be the last time! John is still in his biker shorts, but he’s doing the Word Life hand sign all of the sudden (pictured). Crowd’s chanting “Cena Sucks” now, too. This whole match is like a premonition. And hey, for what it is, it’s pretty good. Cena’s doing the power schtick, and Billy’s a perfect face in peril, doing headstands off DDTs and shit. John wins off a backslide with his feet on the ropes, cause he’s a Bad, Bad Man now. We’re just a couple of weeks away from John’s Basic Thuganomics phase, get excited!
BOTCH: All-Star Cast
The Undertaker lets us know that he may be many things, but he is not a liar. And last week, when he said he had no idea who this so-called Tracy woman is, he was, er, lying. Apparently, he does know her from a while back. But he didn’t cheat on his wife with her, trust him. Taker doesn’t even sound that angry about, it’s more like a politician explaining old tweets. Why exactly are we doing a cheating spouse angle, again? What does this do to help further the Taker/Lesnar feud? Why should I care that Taker banged an extra from Back to the Future Part II?
Tracy tells Stephanie that Taker is lying again, and they had sex ten days ago …Okay? What’s Stephanie supposed to do, call off the PPV main event on account of an extramarital affair? Whatever, Steph politely yet firmly asks Tracy to get the fuck out of her building. Paul then cuts a fantastic promo pleading Stephanie to remove Taker’s deadly cast before the Hell in a Cell match at No Mercy. Jesus Christ, how many layers does this one match need?! You already HAVE a story for this match, guys, you don’t need four more.
Stephanie says she’ll think about it and books Lesnar in a singles vs. Chuck Palumbo, effective immediately. Taker shows up to call Tracy a lying bitch (gasp!) and reminds Stephanie that it was Brock who injured his hand in the first place. Steph tells Taker to tone it down a bit, so Taker smashes a lamp and storms off. A measured response.
So yeah, Chuck Palumbo tries his luck against Brock Lesnar and it’s the same Brock Lesnar match we’ve seen… what, three times? Four? Some low-tier guy brings the fight to Lesnar, Brock kicks their ass. It’s still entertaining, but it’s nothing new. Oh by the way, Billy injured his shoulder at a live show a few days ago and he won’t be back until next summer. I should also mention that you will never see Billy and Chuck tag after this, so pour one out for the Very Straight Duo.
There’s a great nearfall when Chuck goes Adam Cole up in this bitch and hits two superkicks in a row. Brock’s sheer size forces senior official Jimmy Korderas to leave the ring in order to count the pin. First time I’ve ever seen that. Brock wins, unsurprisingly, and Taker shows up to fuck shit up with his cast. The second Brock gets a bit of blood on him, Paul starts screeching like a slaughtered pig. Heyman is SUCH a highlight on these shows, you have no idea.
In our main event (seriously), Stephanie walks out to the ring to make her decision. Riveting. Will she allow the Undertaker to compete with his cast inside Hell in a Cell? Well, yeah. Obviously. You could’ve just said this twenty minutes ago, Steph. Brock doesn’t take too kindly to the news, so he threatens to sexually harass his boss. Bold move! Taker runs down to attack and gets his ass kicked immediately, but he fights back and beats the shit out of Heyman. We’re finally, FINALLY reaching the end of this feud. It’s Taker vs. Lesnar, Beast vs. Cast, inside the Hell in a Cell, this Sunday at No Mercy! But more importantly, DID TAKER CHEAT ON HIS WIFE OR NOT?!
And that’s our show! Join us next time for No Mercy, featuring:
- Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie
- Rob Van Dam vs. Ric Flair
- Tajiri vs. Jamie Noble, Cruiserweight Championship
- Victoria vs. Trish Stratus, Women’s Championship
- Booker T & Goldust vs. Chris Jericho & Christian, World Tag Team Championships
- Edge & Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Benoit & Kurt Angle in the finals of the inaugural WWE Tag Team Championship Tournament
- Kane vs. Triple H in a World Heavyweight and Intercontinental Championship unification match. Yes, this is the feud you’re thinking of.
- …And The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar, inside Hell in a Cell
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