EVENING, FOLKS! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you BACK to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. It’s been too long. Where we left off a year ago, WrestleMania! Matt Hardy defeated Rey Mysterio, Nathan Jones did nothing, Team Angle retained the tag belts, Vince McMahon bled for the people and Brock Lesnar came face to face with his own demise before cementing his spot on top of the world. You can watch this week’s episode on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. I know I will, it’s been a minute. We’re now on The Road to Backlash! Next Big Thing!
POP: Spring Renovations
In case you missed it, WrestleMania XIX ended with Brock Lesnar almost breaking his neck on route to dethroning WWE champ Kurt Angle, whose neck was already broken. So, both halves of the SmackDown main event scene are on the shelf for now. Brock will be back next week, but Kurt’s gonna be out until June. Watching and writing about Kurt Angle matches is the best part of my day, so trust me, I’m just as sad as you are. To fix this power vacuum, SmackDown matriarch Stephanie McMahon has come up with a solution: a tournament. Tournaments are the solution to everything in wrestling. Title vacancy? Tournament. Number 1 contendership? Tournament. Need something to keep your women’s division occupied for like five months? Tournament.
So we got a three week tournament laid out. Most of the names here make sense, Benoit, Big Show and Taker are no-brainers. Rhyno’s a weird one, since he showed up last month and all he’s done is beat up Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin. And those guys are the tag team champions in a WWE show, they exist to get beat up. Meanwhile, Cena’s only been a big deal on this show for about two weeks, and Rey just lost to Matt Hardy at Mania. I get that he’s Rey Mysterio and all, but if I was Matt, I’d be pissed.
SLIGHT POP: PPV Caliber
On the subject of Rey, we formally return to the Lesnar Years with, get this, Rey Mysterio vs. Undertaker in Round 1. God, I missed this show. Believe it or not, this is one of only four Mysterio vs. Taker matches. Ever. They will eventually meet one-on-one on PPV, but their next televised bout isn’t until 2009. One of the strangest things about WWE is the sheer amount of huge matchups that they never capitalized on. Like, we never got Rey vs. HHH. How weird is that? Anyways, Undertaker’s Pal Nathan Jones is nowhere to be seen, if God wills it he’ll stay that way.
Rey and Taker have your basic big man/little man match here, Rey bumps for the Deadman and does all of the exciting offense. The biggest highlight isn’t Rey’s athletics, though, it’s this pic of Taker going for the chokeslam on a guy two heads smaller than him. Incredible visual. Rey hits 619 on Taker but he kicks out with authority, so Rey quickly goes for the West Coast Pop. Taker catches Rey in mid-air, muscles him up, and lands a very cartoonish Last Ride for the W. Match only went about three and a half minutes, so I wouldn’t seek it out, but it’s still Rey and Taker on free TV. Taker teases a heel turn for a sec, but he helps Rey up to his feet. Wow, what a nice fella!
POP: Matt Hardy is So Fucking Stupid
O-OH YEEEEEEEEEEAH! Bet you missed this guy, huh? Cruiserweight Champion Matt Hardy (Version 1.0) sits in on commentary for this next Cruiserweight matchup, alongside his acolyte Shannon Moore. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT WAS THE ONLY HARDY TO WRESTLE AT WRESTLEMANIA THIS YEAR” (ouch) and “MATT HAS READ HIS BOOK 12 TIMES”. What, you mean the book he wrote? Yeah, I assumed he might’ve gone through it once or twice. The match in question is SmackDown newcomer Brian Kendrick vs. SmackDown loser Jamie Noble. Wonder what Brian Kendrick’s been up to these days! **THIS REVIEW WAS WRITTEN FEBRUARY 1st 2022**
Kendrick’s been getting his nose in Matt’s business these past couple of weeks on SmackDown, and we get a great little showcase for Brian here. He executes a beautiful triple-jump flying nothing to the outside on Jamie, and man, everything these guys do looks good. Jamie’s always been a column favorite, he might be one of the best cruiserweight bases in wrestling history. Nidia gets involved, as usual, but Jamie inadvertently hits her with a baseball slide, allowing Brian to land a lovely looking Sliced Bread #2 for three. Gotta love these little Cruiserweight matches. Matt immediately runs in to dump Brian’s ass out the ring and cut a promo, which is great news for me because delusional Matt Hardy promos are low-key the best part about SmackDown. It’s not just what he says, it’s how stupid he sounds while he says it.
Speaking of stupid, Matt challenges Brock Lesnar to a champion vs. champion match next week. It’s funny because John Cena just spent like two months asking for a match with Lesnar only to get his ass whooped, but it gets even funnier when you remember this is MATT HARDY, who has perpetually gotten his ass whooped by Brock Lesnar pretty much since Brock showed up. I guess he thinks he can beat a concussed, broken-necked Brock Lesnar, but a concussed, broken-necked Brock Lesnar still has an OVR rating of 92. Kendrick attacks afterwards but gets laid out by Hardy, who definitely looks strong heading into his fourth or maybe fifth death at the hands of Brock Lesnar.
SLIGHT POP: Stephanie’s Favorite Match
Chris Benoit battles the A-Train in Round 1 action next. This is the third Benoit/Train match in two months, and we still got like three more before this column’s done with. And one of them on PPV! They’re a good matchup though, I quite enjoyed their last two outings. Benoit is Benoit, and Train’s a good big man who can throw him around. The winner of this match will wrestle the winner of Big Show vs. Rhyno next week, which means tag partners could collide. Neat booking. This one’s a bit rougher than their previous matches, but props to Train for finding innovative ways to beat Benoit’s ass. Last time it was a Muscle Buster, and now it’s whatever this is. We also get the long awaited return of Tazz Talking Shit on Cole, a SmackDown classic.
Tazz: Look at how big A-Train’s arm is, Cole.
Cole: Massive, as big as my thigh!
Tazz: …Big as your thigh? Last time I seen legs like yours, they were hanging out of a nest.
Train takes Benoit to the woodshed until the Crippler finds an opening to hit the three Germans. The headbutt follows (oof) and Train gets his foot on the ropes. Train comes back and tries for the Derailer, but Benoit’s the master of reversing every single fucking move that’s ever been invented into the Crossface, and so he does. Train powers back to his feet and, in a great spot, Benoit springboards off the ropes and drives him back into the hold. Dope. Train taps (going 0-3 against Benoit, poor guy) and the Wolverine advances.
???: LET’S CRIME IT UP
Yeah we’re still doing the whole “In The Void With Sean O’Haire” thing. Don’t get me wrong, I like the vignettes, but he’s been doing these since the Rumble. Sean basically tells us that laws are suggestions and committing crimes is cool, which is a bit on the nose. Still, if all these years of watching pro wrestling have taught me one thing, it’s that it’s not illegal if you don’t get caught.
SLIGHT POP: Thuganomics Rising
First round action continues with John Cena vs. Eddie Guerrero. No Cena rap on the way to the ring (aw man), but he’s on the cover of Raw Magazine, so you can tell he’s moving up in the world. Eddie’s hair has finally grown back into something presentable, and he’s rocking the red, black and yellow tights tonight. The absolute best Eddie Guerrero tights of all time, argue with the wall. It’s a pretty basic match here, not much to note. Cena’s character has improved immensely, you don’t need me to tell you that, but in-ring he’s still got a ways to go.
John tries to go back to his old habits and hit Eddie with the dreaded Chain Punch. Cena’s Chain Punch was the original Lightning Fist, come to think of it. Eddie shuts him down, but Cena avoids the ensuing Frog Splash and catches Eddie with the FU for the win. He’s still hitting it like a regular Death Valley Driver, which might be better than the kneeling FU he ended up implementing, your mileage may vary. Nothing match, but a huge win for John, so that’s cool. Cena gets a little interview time with Impact’s own Josh Mathews and NOW he drops a few bars for us (aw yeah!)
Next week, my chances of winning
Are slimmer than a busload of anorexic women
Undertaker, he should be in the Hall of Fame
But I never give up, man, that’s why they play the game
Like Hugh Hefner on Viagra bro, I ain’t back down
Anything can happen on any given SmackDown
Deadman make me famous? I’ma Undertake him!
I ain’t behind the 8-ball, dude, I rack ‘em and break ‘em!
I shock the world, I make the Deadman fall!
And leave ‘em like a clear pool table WITH NO BALLS!
Word Life, etc.
BOTCH: Rawr
Torrie Wilson heads to the ring for her “Playboy coming out party”. If you’re wondering what that entails, I got no fucking clue. I’m assuming the proverbial Coming Out in Coming Out Party stands for “please someone come out and interrupt me”. Torrie teases taking her top off (she’s clearly not wearing a bra so I would advise against it) but she gets interrupted, obviously. So, who is it this time? Nidia? Dawn Marie? Stephanie? Or maybe the elusive, never before seen FIFTH SmackDown woman?
…
…This is my fault, isn’t it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Sable. You might remember her as a former women’s champion (dark days) and the worst career decision Marc Mero’s ever made. She’s basically the Attitude Era if it was a woman. Sable isn’t fondly remembered in terms of her contributions to women’s wrestling, but hey, she was really hot in 1999 and she was also really hot in 2003. She’s here as Torrie’s foil, and by that I mean, she’s here to tease TWO GIRLS KISSING!!! which in the early 2000s was basically the hottest thing a teenager could possibly imagine. Bischoff’s HLA might be gone, but never forgotten. Sable says all the men come to see her (get it) and all the women want to be her. I’m not a woman so I’ll stay out of that one. And then she gives Torrie a little peck. Strap yourselves in, we’re in it for the long haul.
POP: No Kurt No Problem
Team Angle are back in non-title action, which historically is a VERY bad place to be in if you’re a WWE champion of any kind. Luckily they’re up against the super team of Tajiri and SmackDown’s Number 1 Announcer Funaki, pro-wrestling’s tag team equivalent of the tutorial enemy. I’m almost tempted to call those two “The Orient Express” the same way I called Angle and Benoit “The Can-Am Connection” but I’d be treading on very thin ice.
With Kurt gone, Charlie and Shelton are in a noticeably foul mood tonight, but Tajiri and Funaki still give them a competitive showing. Column favorite Tajiri busts out a brutal superkick that Charlie sells by falling forward onto his face. Sheesh. Eventually Funaki gets the hot tag and runs wild on the tag champions. Yes, Funaki, of all people. With the ref distracted after Tajiri’s signature Tarantula spot, Shelton clips Kung Fu’s knee, leaving him wide open for the Haas of Pain and the victory. Nice little TV match, always good to see Team Angle get a decisive win.
BOTCH: Oh, Madone!
The FBI get another moody, atmospheric vignette here on SmackDown. I’ve actually seen The Sopranos all the way through since my last Lesnar Years write-up, but I promise I’ll keep the references to a minimum. Anyway, four dollars a pound.
If you recall (and I know you don’t) it was the FBI who attacked Nathan Jones and took him out before his WrestleMania match, possibly out of revenge for Jones doing the same thing to Chuck Palumbo previously. So yes, you can thank the guidos for that one. The FBI show up backstage to have a sit-down conversation with (read: threaten) the Undertaker. Taker actually sits down to talk with them amicably, which is very unusual, generally he just threatens people and looks mean. Nunzio explains that they attacked Nathan Jones for the reasons I outlined above, and while Taker is understanding at first, he’s still got a problem with them. The FBI try to intimidate the big guy (even though Taker could probably beat them up and pin all three simultaneously) but Nathan Jones shows up to back him up. Another Nathan Jones feud. Great news all around.
BOTCH: Rhyno, Interrupted
Big Show takes on Rhyno in our final first round match tonight, and also the main event. No offense to either guy but man, Big Show vs. Rhyno has to be the weakest SmackDown main event yet. Maybe the idea was to make Rhyno into a credible main event player? Telling you right now, that’s not gonna last. Show manhandles the Man Beast to start the match, and I should mention how tiny Rhyno looks next to him. That goes without saying with most of Show’s opponents, but now you realize that yes, Rhyno was short, but he was so stocky that it came back around and made him look big. Big Show removes the turnbuckle pad and promptly gets rammed into the exposed steel two seconds later, allowing Rhyno to hit a corner Gore.
A-Train attempts to run in, but Rhyno takes care of him and nails Show with a second Gore. Train quickly gets in the ring to stomp Rhyno out and for some reason it takes Brian Hebner about half a minute to call for the bell, even though A-Train is beating the shit out of Rhyno right in front of him. So, Rhyno gets the DQ win and advances to the semi-finals, where he’ll meet his tag team partner. Or maybe he won’t, since Show and Train make sure to injure him with a leg drop to the surgically repaired neck. Show doesn’t seem all too bothered about losing his spot in the tournament, I guess even he knew he wasn’t winning. Benoit is nowhere to be seen during all of this, by the way. WWE Babyfaces: they suck!
BOTCH: Burn the Olive Branch
Mr. McMahon is in the building, and he’s looking for Hogan. Kinda funny how these two old fucks tore each other to shreds at Mania and they’re both on SmackDown days later but Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar aren’t. Stephanie pays Vince a visit to see how he’s holding up, but all Vince says is that tonight, he’ll do something to Hogan that he should’ve done a long time ago. What, hair implants?
Hogan eventually arrives alongside his son Nick and his other adult son, Jimmy Hart. Hogan looks like… I don’t know, McDonald’s enthusiast biker grandpa? I’m running out of Hogan jokes. We still got about 17 minutes left on the show after the Rhyno/Show match, so get excited. Vince heads to the ring and he apologizes for trying to denigrate the name of an American icon like Hulk Hogan. You know damn well Hulk can do that on his own, Vince. Hogan shows up with that awful dubbed theme song because WWE can’t afford Voodoo Child. It stings even more because Tazz actually quotes Hendrix during Hogan’s entrance. Just pay for the rights to Voodoo Child already.
Vince admits defeat at the hands of Hulkamania and asks Hogan to be his friend once again. Both Hogan and the crowd see through his bullshit, but Hogan is willing to give Vince a second chance. And so, they shake hands, and dollar store Voodoo Child plays in the arena. Hogan even thanks Vince for doing the right thing. We still got like seven minutes on the show, though, so Vince goes PSYCHE and proceeds to utter the greatest instance of a Mr. McMahon “PAL” in the history of WWE.
Vince says he’s going to honor Hulk’s contract and pay him every cent… to stay at home. The Neville treatment, basically. Vince doesn’t care what it costs, he’ll make sure Hulkamania dies, and I quote, “a slow, agonizing death of LEPRACY”. And if Hogan doesn’t like it, he can meet him in the parking lot. Hogan heads to the parking lot for a very dramatic fight, only to get stopped by security. For added gravitas, it starts raining mid-segment. Hulk is left with no choice but to get back in the limo and drive out of SmackDown…
Forever.
And that’s our show! Join us next time for SmackDown, featuring:
- Brock Lesnar’s in-ring return against fucking idiot Matt Hardy
- Rhyno vs. Chris Benoit
- Tajiri & Rey Mysterio vs. Team Angle
- Nathan Jones vs. Bill DeMott (kill me)
- John Cena vs. The Undertaker
- …And the return of Piper’s Pit!
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
