Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, the A-Train pinned Rey Mysterio, Matt Hardy sent a violent message to the Cruiserweight Champion, The Great One made a shocking appearance, Bill DeMott won his heated rivalry with Rikishi, the Undertaker killed a random kid and Team Angle punched their ticket to a tag title shot. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re on The Road to No Way Out, yes we are! Next Big Thing!
POP: 12-38
Fresh off a harrowing loss to the star of the show (A-Train), Rey Mysterio looks to rebound against… Jamie Noble. Yeah, that’ll do it. SmackDown’s third or fourth most lovable loser had previously been involved in a story with his cousin Nunzio, but WWE seems to have aborted the whole idea. Show of hands, who expected the Jamie/Nunzio story to go anywhere? Both Rey and Jamie are a little bewildered by the appearance of a strange box near the entrance ramp, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. No, it’s not the Shockmaster, sit down.
Anyways, we open the show with Jamie Noble vs. Rey Mysterio, and we really should open every show with Jamie Noble vs. Rey Mysterio. Jamie is easily one of Rey’s best opponents on the Cruiserweight side, just a fantastic base for Rey to bounce around. Rey and Jamie have a great little match, tons of highlights and some well-placed Nidia interference. She helps her boyfriend avoid a 619 but, in an unnecessarily complex set-up, ends up taking one as well. Longtime readers (about as longtime as these writeups get, anyways) may remember this exact spot from Rebellion. Tazz calls it 12-38, which is slightly less catchy than “629”, but I’ll take it. Rey lands West Coast Pop, and the little guy’s back on the winning column.
???: Making Enemies
SmackDown’s fatass gatekeeper Rikishi is back to deal with Nunzio. If you’ve been following along, you’ve noticed Rikishi’s only use nowadays is feuding with whoever SmackDown is trying to introduce. White Rapper John Cena, Bill DeMott, and now Nunzio. Or should I say, Nunzio’s boys. But before I get ahead of myself, Rikishi beats Nunzio with very little resistance, mostly due to the fact he’s at least three times his size. Rikishi gets ready for his customary post-match dance, but Nunzio interrupts from ringside. The little goombah tells Rikishi to be careful, he ain’t gonna like Nunzio’s company. Rikishi dances anyways, because who would feel threatened by Nunzio?
SLIGHT BOTCH: Love in A Box
Although Big Show’s attempts to win over the Undertaker with a singing telegram failed miserably last week, Paul Heyman appears to reveal the contents of this mystery box. Big Show is ALSO not here tonight, because the No Way Out build ain’t worth shit for nothing. After a very obnoxious promo, Heyman asks Undertaker to come down the aisle and receive his gift, and Taker obliges. So, dear reader, what’s in the box?
a) A life-size Seth Rollins statue
b) The severed head of Undertaker’s wife
c) Brian Kendrick again
d) Bruce Pritchard
e) Big Show, the guy Undertaker’s actually feuding with
That’s right folks, it’s Bruce Pritchard!
Yes, another random Brother Love appearance, one of WWE’s favorite recurring cameo stars. You guys remember Brother Love, right? And if you don’t, I’m sure you remember being reminded of his existence at least once every two years for the last three decades. This might be the one time where a Brother Love cameo makes sense, however, as he was the Undertaker’s original manager for the first few months of his WWE run. Brother Love does his insanely long-winded schtick and asks Taker to forgive Show. The Dead Man attacks Brucie because what else would he do in this situation. I believe this is where the SmackDown: Here Comes the Pain animators took inspiration for their hilarious Tombstone animation. Seems like it’ll take more than Love to melt the Undertaker’s cold dead heart…
POP: 220’s Just A Number
Matt Hardy’s still on his bullshit, and he once again steps through the ropes for match against Billy Kidman. Non-title, of course, Billy Kidman’s not about to defend the Cruiserweight Championship on free TV or anything. Oh, right, and Matt Hardy’s not a Cruiserweight, blah blah blah, I’m running out of jokes. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT HAS A TV/DVD PLAYER IN HIS CAR” and “MATT USUALLY EXCEEDS THE SPEED LIMIT”. When he lives for the moment, there ain’t no enough with him.
Matt starts the match off throwing Shannon at his enemy like a projectile, because he’s smarter than your average cult leader. Billy and Matt are column favorites, and though the match is short, they sneak in plenty of fun spots. Matt repeatedly goes for Twist of Fate, but Billy has an answer every time, eventually reversing into a jackknife cover for another W over Hardy. The sensei of Mattitude overcomes the initial shock and makes a huge announcement. Right now, he’s 230, but he’ll shed the ten pounds. Matt Hardy’s coming for the Cruiserweight title. It’s happening! I CAN FINALLY STOP FORESHADOWING THIS ANGLE!
SLIGHT POP: The Gold Standard
Last week, Shelton and Haas defeated the Canadian Connection to earn a shot at Los Guerreros’ WWE Tag Team Championships. Despite the mixed win/loss record, Team Angle have proven to be a top tier tag, and they could very easily walk out of here with the titles just 42 days after their debut. Kurt’s not at ringside to help tonight, though, as he defends the WWE Championship in our main event. Should be fun. We get a great slow start, with the champs gauging the skills of their young challengers. The Guerreros continue to cheat, naturally, but the crowd is 100% on their side by now. We even get some Eddie chants when he tags in! Keep an eye on that guy, trust me, he’ll go places.
Thanks to a pretty contrived ref bump, Chavo ends up injuring himself on the announcers table, and Team Angle stay on him. Eddie gets a hot tag and we witness the column debut of perhaps his most iconic move: The Three Amigos. Nothing beats three good verticals, eh? Eddie and Chavo land a Power-Plex (a superplex into Chavo’s weird Frog Splash) but Shelton breaks it up. Now, unfortunately, a big issue with this match is that these four don’t really have the timing down yet. There’s plenty of spots with just too many people in the ring at once and the ref doesn’t know where to go, so it ends up a lot messier than it should. Guys breaking up pins before they start, kicking out at one because the ref is out of position, the works.
The finish is pretty cool, however. Eddie goes up top and Heyman (Heyman’s at ringside, forgot to mention that) distracts him, so Chavo takes him out with a plancha. Eddie quickly lands the Frog Splash on Shelton, but the ref realizes Shelton’s not legal. This allows Charlie to slide in and Oklahoma Roll Eddie, and just like that, Team Angle holds the gold. Not the tag clinic I know these guys are capable of, but a solid first outing. Good news, you’ll be seeing this matchup again quite a bit this year! Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin are your new WWE Tag Team Champions.
Team Angle on top.
POP, I GUESS?: Tofu & Pie
After issuing a No Way Out challenge to Hulk Hogan last week, The Rock once again returns to SmackDown. Via satellite. What, you thought he’d be there in person? SmackDown can’t even get Brock to show up for the No Way Out build, how are they gonna get Dwayne Johnson? We’re in Philadelphia tonight, and they’re a bit wackier than your average crowd, so they boo Rocky straight out the gate. Rock quickly gets on their good side by praising the (apparently world renowned?) Philly cheese steak. He then immediately gets back on their bad side by saying he’s lactose intolerant. He asks his off-screen cook to scratch the cheese steak and cook him up some Tampa Bay tofu and the crowd boos like he just shot Jesus in the face.
Rock asks the crowd to say his name and Philly starts a “Hogan” chant, which Rock doesn’t hear because, well, he’s pre-taped. However, his John Cena sense starts tingling, so he addresses the boos. He says (in his own words) that some of y’all like him and some of y’all don’t and that’s okay. But why? Why do the people boo their champion? Philadelphia boos him because they boo greatness. And that’s why they’ve never booed Hogan. He makes a couple sport references, reiterates his promise to beat Hogan’s old ass at No Way Out and that’s enough Rock for now. Hogan appears later in the episode and runs into—HOLY SHIT BROCK LESNAR. What’s this guy doing on SmackDown? Get him outta here!
Hogan later heads to the ring, but he gets interrupted by Rocky himself before he can get a word out. Rock goes full dickhead-mode and pretends to fall asleep ten seconds into Hogan’s promo. Hogan resumes where he left off, and Rock leaves immediately to eat some tofu. What an asshole. This leaves Hogan on his own to try and hold the segment together, so he turns his attention to Vince. He says Vince is full of [EXPLETIVE] and insults him for not accepting his challenge. Either way, Hogan will beat the Rock (or, as he calls him, “the Rockajabroni”. Yes, really), what’s he gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on him, so on, so forth.
???: Birthday Suit Brian
Oh my god, it’s Sean O’Haire! What’s he doing outside the void?! Everybody’s favorite satanic motivational speaker makes his first corporeal appearance on SmackDown. He introduces himself to the inaugural Zero1 International Junior Heavyweight Champion Brian Kendrick (which explains why he’s wearing a SHINJIRO OTANI shirt, aside from being a mark) and makes a proposition. Anybody remember that Nike Shox commercial? In an attempt to get famous, Brian runs out in a pixelated skin-colored thong buck naked during an A-Train/Shannon Moore match and gets chased through the arena by referees and security. Just to clarify, Train squashes Shannon in under 50 seconds. Brian ends up running into Stephanie with his schlong between his legs, and I suppose the Devil’s Advocate claims his first sinner.
POP: Jumping into Your Grave
After losing to Eddie Guerrero last week, John Cena takes the opportunity to do what any self-respecting man would and calls out Brock Lesnar. May I remind you that John Cena’s ranked so low he doesn’t even have a finisher. Hell, he doesn’t have Redd Dogg by his side anymore either, brother’s on his own. You gotta respect the balls on a guy that beat Rikishi via shenanigans and decided to leapfrog straight into Brock. In case I have to spell it out, John Cena is going to die. You could run 2003 Brock Lesnar over with a fucking train and he’d probably just scoop it into an F5. Brock is in the building tonight, but he doesn’t respond, probably because he doesn’t know who this guy is. But hey, here’s a rap about how lame Brock Lesnar is! John Cena is going to die!
POP: Once More, With Color
Would you look at that, Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit! SmackDown does this funny thing sometimes where it books a show and an Angle/Benoit match just kinda materializes during it. Legend says that if you watch an episode of SmackDown and blink five times, Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle will magically appear in the ring and start trading holds. Jokes aside, this is the last time Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit will ever meet in a singles match. These two have wrestled ten times over the course of this column, six of them in singles. If you add up all their meetings since 2000, the number goes up to fifteen singles matches. And here we are, the final instalment in one of the greatest rivalries in the history of pro-wrestling. Let’s see how it shakes out.
Cole keeps calling this a “return match” from the Rumble instead of just saying “rematch”, one of those little Cole-isms that I assume came straight from Vince screaming in his ear. To be honest, we’re kind of applying House Show logic by giving Benoit another title shot, here. Last we saw of him; he was losing a tag match to Team Angle. But he did lose via Angle interference, so… sure, why the hell not. This is the debut of Benoit’s “Toothless Aggression” t-shirt, which looks much better on a sign than it does on a shirt. Full disclosure, I tried to gif the start of this match just to give you an idea of what “Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit” looks like, but I couldn’t. The gifs are serviceable, but there’s just no way for that framerate to properly capture the way these guys move.
The way they whiplash, the way they flow and start and stop, I couldn’t do it justice. I don’t think we’ll ever see two guys dance this waltz the way these two did. Angle dumps Benoit on the outside and distracts the ref, but Team Angle’s not around, so Heyman does the dirty work. Yeah, Paul Heyman, the equalizer. Benoit gets a comeback and they start trading holds, leading to a few Rumble callbacks. Benoit reverses the Angle Slam into a Crossface (galaxy-brained) and, calling back to one of my favorite spots ever, Angle snatches the Ankle Lock whilst in the Crossface. It’s a full-on Greatest Hits, but sadly, we don’t get a snot rocket spot.
The boys fast-forward fifteen years into the future with the following sequence: Angle Buckle Bombs Benoit, who immediately no-sells it, lands a quick German, and THEN sells the previous move. That’s some King’s Road shit right there. It’s at this point that Benoit starts bleeding, though I have no clue what it was that cut him open. In a great spot, Benoit signals for the headbutt, changes his mind, and gives Angle one last big suplex. The Headbutt misses, and Angle tries that same Oklahoma Roll that won Charlie and Shelton the tag titles earlier. Might’ve been a coincidence, but I like to think he did it on purpose. One last quick reversal sequence, and Kurt lands the Angle Slam for three after about ten minutes. Finish came a bit out of left field but, as I’ve said countless times before, it’s Angle and Benoit. I’m not complaining.
Angle shakes Benoit’s hand after the bell, bringing their feud to a conclusive—kidding, Team Angle run down and kick Benoit’s ass. Edge tries to help out, they kick his ass too. That’s Brock’s cue to FINALLY show up, as he F5s the new tag champions and sends Kurt packing. Brock Lesnar is back, and the Wrestlemania build shifts into gear…
And that’s our show! Join us next time, as the Rikishi/Nunzio feud continues, Matt Hardy goes Cruiserweight against Rey Mysterio, Chris Benoit runs into the A-Train, Shelton Benjamin takes on Eddie Guerrero, Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie renew their rivalry (GOD FUCK NO) and John Cena dies at the hands of Brock Lesnar. Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
