Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Vince McMahon took control, Eddie Guerrero did his thing, Rey Mysterio pulled his groin, The Undertaker returned to SmackDown and Sean O’Haire beat Mr. America, I guess. You can watch this week’s episode on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. Next Big Thing!
BOTCH: Mass Hysteria
We open the broadcast with Sable (oh brother), she’ll be our guest ring announcer for tonight’s opener: Torrie vs. Nidia. I’m not even gonna say anything. Not even gonna bother. “Hailing from Loserville, USA, and weighing in at way too much… Torrie Wilson!” This isn’t your run of the mill Torrie/Nidia bout, folks, because this match is a fucking mess. There is so much going on in this match, like 85 moving pieces all at once. You got Torrie wrestling a terrible match against Nidia with Jamie Noble running interference, so far so good. Sable’s feud with Torrie is still ongoing, I assume, but now she spends her free time tormenting Tazz. And on top of that, Noble picks a fight with Tazz and gets his ass handed to him.
Torrie and Nidia do the usual catfight spot and roll over referee Mike Sparks, who climbs the turnbuckles to celebrate like he just won a world title. Noble distracts Torrie, allowing Nidia to roll her up to score her second ever singles win in the history of this column. As mentioned, Tazz attacks Noble afterwards and even threatens to send Nidia to the moon (pictured). Torrie uses all this commotion to take Nidia’s pants off. Oh, and then Sable dumps this big ass glass water pitcher on Tazz, who does nothing about it. They always keep those big ass glass water pitchers around at ringside, you know, in case Cole needs a refreshment. And then Torrie chases Sable off and we move onto the next segment. No matter how bad your women’s division gets, it cannot get any worse than this.
POP: Stealer’s Wheels
Previously on SmackDown, Los Guerreros Orientales defeated Team Angle via DQ to retain the tag team titles in a really good match. So, we’re doing it again. Commentary says Charlie and Shelton were granted this rematch due to last week’s screwy finish, and they better make good on it, because KURT ANGLE RETURNS NEXT WEEK!!! Before the match, Eddie baptizes Tajiri as an honorary Latino, so Tajiri presents Eddie with the keys to a stolen lowrider. I love how Tajiri’s been around Eddie for like 10 days and he’s already committed grand theft auto. Eddie’s lowrider entrance would obviously become a staple of his character, but I bet you didn’t know Tajiri was the one who introduced it.
Team Angle and LGO do basically the same thing they did last week: wrestle an EXTREMELY good tag team bout and then let Eddie steal it. The mere fact we’re getting two extremely good tag matches two weeks in a row is enough to make my heart grow three sizes. At one point Team Angle do the old “switch without a tag while the ref isn’t looking” spot, and referee Brian Hebner earns a hall of fame spot when he stops to ask the crowd if Shelton actually tagged and then sends him back to his corner. First time I’ve ever seen a ref do that.
Once again, both teams throw everything they have at one another (including this absolutely jaw dropping Frog Splash) but neither can seal the deal. Charlie manages to lock Tajiri in the Haas of Pain and instead of breaking it up, Eddie walks over to the timekeeper’s area to ring the bell. While the ref argues with the timekeeper, Eddie tries to smash Charlie with the tag belt. Charlie avoids it and takes hold of the belt, so Eddie drops down and plays dead. The ref sees Charlie holding the belt, he sees Eddie flat on his back, and he calls for the bell. Team Angle just can’t catch a break. Great stuff, and the best part is that Eddie’s just warming up.
POP, SOMEHOW: Tell Me a Lie
Tonight could spell the end for Mr. America, as he must undergo a lie detector test to prove he’s not Hulk Hogan. Zach Gowen is standing around at ringside because, dammit, he bought a ticket. On a wholly unrelated note, Vince arrives to the arena and parks in the handicap spot. The lie detector guy might be the worst extra you’ll ever see in a WWE segment, but he does drop a really good line:
Lie Detector Guy: Is your name Stephanie McMahon?
Stephanie: Yes. [DING]Lie Detector Guy: Have you ever cheated on your taxes?
Stephanie [nervous]: OKAY!
Mr. McMahon heads to the ring to supervise the test, and I’m just now realizing how insane it is that a lie detector test will take place in the middle of a pro wrestling ring. Like, you couldn’t just do this in a room? With a door? Literally the only way this image makes any amount of sense to you is if you’re a pro wrestling fan. Vince makes a point to single out Zach Gowen in the crowd, and he says… this:
The one thing you and Hogan will have in common tonight after I conduct this lie detector test? Neither one of you will have a leg to stand on.
Amazing. Mr. America makes his full entrance (I stress, for a LIE DETECTOR TEST) and gets hooked up. The interrogator throws a couple basic questions to set the stage and Vince immediately loses his patience and tells them to ask the big money question. Vince did park in the handicap spot, after all, so it makes sense he’s in a rush. The interrogator asks Mr. America if he’s Hulk Hogan, Mr. America asks for a glass of water. Vince cuts the middleman and asks the question himself. Mr. America says no… and the machine agrees. Vince asks again, same result. He asks again, ditto. Mr. America is not Hulk Hogan.
They don’t explain how Mr. America managed to pull this off, but I guess if there’s any wrestler who can comfortably lie his way through a lie detector test, it’s Hulk Hogan. Vince, clearly having lost his mind, asks to take the lie detector test himself to prove the machine doesn’t work. And here’s where the segment goes from good to flat out great. Without exaggeration, it’s the only saving grace of this entire fucking angle, and the only good thing to ever come out of the Mr. America character. I urge you to give this a watch if you’ve never seen it, it’s a gem:
“JUST FOR THE RECORD, THESE DAMN LIE DETECTOR TESTS ARE NOT ADMISSIBLE IN COURT!” This segment falls into that tippy top tier of Vince McMahon segments, where he’s just firing on all cylinders. The timing is flawless, but the look in his eyes anytime the buzzer sound comes on is out of this world. Vince fails, miserably I might add, and gets punched out by Mr. America to close the segment. He storms into Stephanie’s office and tells her things are about to change FOR THE BETTER here on SmackDown, starting next week. Tell me about it, Kurt Angle’s coming back! And of course, at the end of the night, Vince’s limo gets impounded for parking in the handicap spot. Ding.
FINE: Benoit Meets the Devil
Fresh off his extremely underwhelming main event win over Mr. America, Sean O’Haire goes one-on-one with Chris Benoit, who is currently doing jack shit. I forgot to mention this last week but the Network uploads replace O’Haire’s excellent theme song with a Gimme Shelter-esque sound-alike. It’s odd since the song is by Waterproof Blonde, who also did Christian’s first “Just Close Your Eyes” theme, and that one didn’t get dubbed. O’Haire vs. Benoit is another match that might’ve been interesting on any other night, but it’s nothing. They wrestle competently for four minutes, Piper gets Crossfaced, Sean kicks Benoit in the spine and holds the tights to get the dub. Which means Sean O’Haire has beaten Mr. America and Chris Benoit in back to back weeks, both times in the most limp-dicked way imaginable. He doesn’t even seem particularly excited about it. Loving this Sean O’Haire run.
???: Dick Kick City
Next week on SmackDown, Rey Mysterio will finally get his Mania rematch against Matt Hardy, and I for one am really looking forward to it. He cuts a promo in one of his wildest fits ever and says he’ll be the next Cruiserweight Champion, pulled groin or not. Matt shows up to talk some shit and Rey pushes him, so Matt kicks him straight in the dick. Wrestlers should do that more often, you know? Walk up to the guy you’re feuding with in the middle of a promo and kick him in the dick. Completely reasonable strategy.
POP: Último Gran Heroe
Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen, Ultimo Dragon is coming to SmackDown! If you’re reading this column I reckon you already know who Ultimo is, but if you don’t, he’s one of the greatest and most influential Cruiserweights in the history of professional wrestling. Most people think “Cruiserweight” and they think of Ultimo Dragon. The guy’s still going to this very day, a permanent fixture on Dragon Gate while occasionally popping in for Pro Wrestling NOAH or AAA and walking out to “Separados” by Luis Miguel. You might be thinking “How come I don’t recall Ultimo Dragon in WWE?” but worry not dear reader, we’ll get there in time…
???: Leather Pants Season
Rikishi and Spanky team up to battle SmackDown’s newest acquisition: Doug and Danny, the Basham Brothers. No vignettes, no promo, nothing. Just, hey, here’s Doug and here’s Danny. Two big dudes with shaved heads in leather pants. They’re most well known for their awful gimmick, but they don’t actually have said gimmick yet so they’re just… two guys. Like those Performance Center teams that always got squashed on NXT TV, except these guys actually win matches. Honestly, I’m more bothered by the fact that Spanky’s in the Rikishi tier already. WWE gave Brian Kendrick an incredible five minute match with Kurt Angle and then said “you’re getting Tajiri’s spot now”. The Bashams win with a lame-ass finish. I’m hoping to god the Basham’s were a secretly good tag team and everyone just forgot. Please. SmackDown’s tag division is finally good again, don’t do this to me.
Also, during the match, Tazz and Cole send a shoutout to Classy Freddie Blassie, who passed away at 85 mere days after this episode aired. Blassie would appear on and off on WWE TV through the late 90s and early 2000s, often narrating video packages for PPVs. A very sad note to end the segment on, but I thought I should mention it. Onto the main.
SLIGHT BOTCH: F-B-I-G
SmackDown’s Mega Powers unite, as Brock Lesnar and the Undertaker team up to destroy the FBI in a handicap match. But not quite. Although Nunzio can’t compete (since Taker yeeted his ass into the center of the earth last week), he’s found a more than suitable replacement: The Big Show. As you can imagine, the Show/Brock feud ain’t done just yet. No complaints on that, but this match is pretty lousy. It’s heavily and blatantly edited down, probably the worst edit job I’ve ever seen from WWE, with guys jumping all over the place between cuts. There’s almost nothing to highlight here beyond Brock being Brock. He hits F5s on Palumbo and Stamboli and Taker gets to Chokeslam Nunzio, but Show winds up scoring the win over Brock with this utterly butchered finish. Brock’s third ever pinfall loss, but I’d be lying if I said I really cared.
And that’s our show! Join us next week for SmackDown, featuring:
- Undertaker vs. Chuck Palumbo
- The Basham Brothers vs. Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri
- John Cena vs. Chris Benoit again
- Torrie Wilson & Rikishi vs. Nidia & Jamie Noble
- Rey Mysterio vs. Matt Hardy, Cruiserweight Championhip
- …And the return of Kurt Angle!!!
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
