Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Jamie Noble ate the pin (oh no), Shannon Moore joined Matt Hardy’s cause, Al Wilson popped the question, the tag boys tore the house down, and Brock Lesnar got absolutely owned. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re just days away from Survivor Series, daddy! Next Big Thing!
POP: La Familia
At WWE Super Tuesday (not on the Network), Stephanie McMahon made a huge announcement for Survivor Series. The SmackDown Six will be in action as Edge and Rey Mysterio defend their titles against Angle and Benoit and Los Guerreros in a Triple Threat Elimination match. Makes sense, considering these six have been fucking around for like two months straight. Tonight, we got Chavo vs. Edge, Rey vs. Eddie and… yet another Angle vs. Benoit match. When I said I could watch Angle and Benoit wrestle every episode, I did not mean that in earnest. We’ll get to that a little later though, first off is Chavo vs. Edge.
Edge is now a 9-time Tag Team Champion, and at this point in his career, he can have an entertaining match with most people. As for Chavo, he’s not Eddie (and that’s an insane standard to live up to) but he’s still a great worker. Let’s be fair, the poor guy just so happens to be an 8 among a sea of 10s. He may not be one of the all-timers, but someday people will remember Chavo Guerrero with a lot of sympathy. He’s Chris and Eddie’s last contact. A man who had to carry the legacy of one of wrestling’s greatest dynasties, and also one of its most transcendent workers.
Now then, the match. It’s a nice little opener! They do a bit of a reversal dance; countering moves into more moves until one of ‘em wins. Chavo even hits a Spear, which was definitely surprising. Eventually, Edge gets him with the Edgecution, and our tag champs start the show strong.
BOTCH: My Big Fat SmackDown Wedding
Al and Dawn prepare their wedding and goddammit I did not realize we’d be getting another televised wedding so soon. That’s exactly what this show needed: more wrestling weddings. Al Wilson and Dawn Marie are downright terrible at reading their lines, but you didn’t need me to tell you that.
Torrie shows up flexing that “VINTAGE” Don Ramon fit, 50 minutes into a show where she’s not booked to wrestle. Al tries to invite her to his wedding (which will go swimmingly, I’m sure) and Torrie says Dawn’s just a lying bitch using him for her own gain. Fun fact, one of Dawn Marie’s ring names in ECW was actually “Tammy Lynn Bytch”, a play on Sunny’s real name. It doesn’t relate to this feud at all, I’m just trying to distract myself. Torrie says she won’t attend the wedding and, I quote: “There is no fool… like an old fool”. The crowd popped for that, somehow. Dawn consoles Al and tells him age is just a number. You sure you wanna be saying that, ma’am?
BOTCH: Beastie Boys
The two biggest bellends on the show, White Rapper John Cena and Matt Hardy Version 1.0, join forces in a tag match tonight. Their opponents are Rikishi and Tajiri, who is a babyface now, in case I didn’t mention that earlier. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT WAS THE FEAR FACTOR CHAMPION” and “MATT LOVES GUACAMOLE”. Two things: one, Matt’s got great taste; two, I want Matt on the Joe Rogan show. Remember, Matt beat Tajiri and Cena lost to Kishi last week. These are feuds! Undercard feuds!
Funny how Matt converted Shannon Moore into his religion last week and now he’s nowhere to be seen. Eh, it’s Shannon Moore, who cares. Now that Cena’s become a rapper, I can officially say I like everybody in this match. It’s extremely mid, though, and the ending is… creative, I guess? Matt and Tajiri do a sort of double facebuster and accidentally cover each other, so the ref counts to three and Matt gets his shoulder up. Tajiri’s OVR is so low that he’s losing to The Spinning Nothing. My man literally fell asleep from the impact of such a shitty move. In case you’re wondering, aside from one or two more matches, this Matt Hardy/John Cena association never goes anywhere. Just two ships passing in the night.
???: You Know, They Say All Men Are Created Equal…
Scott Steiner and his weird-ass goblin voice are coming to SmackDown! Maybe! Big Poppa Pump is your hookup! He has lots of sex and his muscles are inhuman! Ambulance sirens!
POP: Dominik’s Dads
Eddie and Chavo regroup before Eddie’s match with Rey, but they run into the tag champions backstage. In between Eddie’s gratuitous spanglish and wild gesticulation, Edge tells him to shut up in Spanish. Adam Copeland: Honorary Cholo. To reiterate, this is Eddie Guerrero vs. Spider-Man themed Rey Mysterio. These two had one of the best matches of all time at Halloween Havoc ’97, which commentary sadly forgets to mention. Before they have a chance to warm up, Eddie pulls the ref into a 619 and incapacitates him. That’s Chavo’s cue, and he runs down to lay Rey out with a Gory Bomb. And then Edge runs out to spear Eddie. Edge and Chavo (who are “banned from ringside”, by the by) brawl to the back, and the match continues.
I’m fully confident Eddie and Rey could’ve strolled into the ring and had a 20-minute barn burner without saying a word to each other. These two are unbelievably slick, without ever falling into the realm of choreography that so many high-fliers do nowadays. Rey lands a beautiful quebrada and I don’t mean “beautiful” in the way wrestling commentators say it, no, I mean actually beautiful. This shit belongs in a frame.
The finish is a little weird, however. Eddie reverses the West Coast Pop into a Sharpshooter, then realizes his finisher isn’t actually a Sharpshooter, and turns it into the Lasso From El Paso. Or at least, I assume that’s what happens, cause the camera cuts and suddenly his right leg is in a completely different spot. He holds onto the ropes for leverage and Rey has no choice but to tap. You’ll notice a huge chunk of this show is centered on building to the tag match, because SmackDown is good, and it knows why it’s good.
POP: This Ain’t No Game
Make sure to stop by your local GameStop or otherwise off-brand videogame store and buy a copy of WWE SmackDown: Shut Your Mouth! for the PlayStation 2. It’s a good game. The models always looked a little weird, and the reversal system’s a pain in the ass, but it’s definitely worth your while if you’re into old WWE games. Or you can just play SmackDown: Here Comes the Pain, but that one doesn’t have Maven.
BOTCH: Champion’s Disadvantage
Did I mention Billy Kidman’s challenging Jamie Noble for the Cruiserweight title at Survivor Series? What better way to build to that than by giving the match away on free TV? Except it’s non-title, which means your champion can lose via pinfall and look like a complete dweeb. This is what your Cruiserweight division looks like. Jesus Christ, this shit is so dumb. Michael Cole calls Jamie Noble “a hell of a Cruiserweight Champion”, but he really isn’t.
I love Jamie Noble to bits, he’s an incredibly underrated worker, but all he does is win via cheating and lose. He’s been champion for 143 days and not a single person takes him or his belt seriously. And hey, he and Kidman are great together. The wrestling is good, the wrestling is always good, but you’re building to a title match by having the challenger pin your champ, clean, IN A SINGLES, THREE DAYS BEFORE THE SHOW. I get it, alright? Billy’s got Jamie’s number. But guess what? EVERYBODY’S GOT JAMIE’S NUMBER. This man loses every goddamn non-title match he wrestles, and his last clean win was against Shannon fucking Moore. Remember Shannon? REMEMBER TWO MONTHS AGO?!
“If you want a picture of the Cruiserweight Championship, imagine Jamie Noble getting pinned— forever”
POP: Too Many Cooks
As mentioned, the former tag champions face off, AGAIN, in our main event. They bicker backstage earlier in the show, and I have to mention how goofy these two idiots are. Chris Benoit promos would be kinda funny if it wasn’t, you know, him. He reads his lines like a 9-year-old, always trying his best. He and Angle quarrel like kids, which I’m totally fine with. I’m a fan of Benoit as a seething ersatz Dynamite Kid and Angle as an Olympic wrestling terminator, but these two are dumb. Let them be dumb.
Benoit and Angle step into the ring ahead of Survivor Series because… frankly, I don’t know. All the other matches between these two have been justified, but there’s no real reason for them to wrestle again before challenging for the tag titles. Yeah, they lost the belts, and they must be really mad, but you’re telling me they literally can’t stop jawing at each other for three more days? Angle grabs the microphone and apologizes for being repetitive (thank you), saying he’s been beating each of the other SmackDown Five for months on end.
I’m a better athlete than Chris Benoit, I’m much better looking than Edge, and the Guerreros? Well, I can actually speak English for goodness’ sakes! And unlike Rey Mysterio, I’ve been through puberty! Oh, it’s true!
Los Guerreros come out to talk shit (in English, Kurt), and then the champs come out to talk shit. Oh, and then Benoit comes out, cause he has a match, unlike these bums. Angle and Benoit wrestle, and as much as I complain, I love every second of it. First I go “oh yeah another Angle/Benoit match” and then they hit a couple suplexes, and I go “OH YEAH ANOTHER ANGLE/BENOIT MATCH”. If I can get tired of these two, I haven’t yet.
The X-factor here are other two-thirds of the title match at Survivor Series, standing by at ringside. Benoit fastballs Angle into the champs’ laps, but things stay fairly clean. Angle can’t help but start shit, though, so he locks Benoit in the Lasso From El Paso. Eddie takes offense to this and all hell breaks loose, causing a DQ. I’d be mad, but I’m sure there’s another Benoit/Angle match scheduled for next week.
Everybody fights, yet Angle and Benoit somehow stick together. They shake hands and hug it out, at last, a united front through their shared hatred of others. Come Sunday, the SmackDown Six are about to E.X.P.L.O.D.E.
POP: Attack on Titan
Our WWE Champion Brock Lesnar is currently out with a broken rib, spitting out blood after getting owned like an absolute fool, but will nonetheless defend the WWE Championship at Survivor Series three days from now. The question is: Can Brock Lesnar defeat the Big Show? (yes) Can the WWE Champion hope to survive the World’s Largest Athlete?! (also yes) Call your cable provider! Only on PPV!
Paul Heyman informs us that Brock Lesnar isn’t on the show tonight, nothing new if you’ve been watching the last five or six years of WWE TV. Big Show warns Heyman that, should Brock show up, shit’s gonna get ugly. But hey, if Heyman tells us Brock’s staying home, he’s staying home. It’s not like Brock’s gonna completely ignore his advocate’s advice and do whatever the fuck he wants.
Brock, completely ignoring his advocate’s advice and doing whatever the fuck he wants, shows up. Heyman tells Lesnar that they are a packaged deal, there is no Brock Lesnar without Paul Heyman. And when Brock Lesnar came out to the ring without Paul Heyman last week, he got destroyed. So uh, is Heyman implying he could’ve stopped the Big Show last week if he’d actually been there? You’re not exactly the muscle in this equation, Paul, you know that. He says “I would’ve been your eyes and ears out there; I would’ve protected you!”. Brock was like two meters away from the Gorilla position, Paul. What the fuck were you gonna do, tell him to watch out?
Paul reminds Brock there’s no ‘I’ in ‘Team’, and that he told him so, and that Big Show’s gonna snap him in two and drink his spinal fluids with a straw. And Brock… listens. Cause, you know, Brock Lesnar is an adult, and not a perpetually angry dumb jock who just runs headfirst into sharp edges. Heyman walks into Show’s locker, kisses up to him and asks him pretty please not to do anything else until Survivor Series. Out of professional courtesy, you know? Yeah, “professional courtesy” out of the guy who shot-put two of his coworkers off the stage on weekly TV. Did Big Show even get fined for that or is it just a “boys will be boys” thing? Show says he may or may not stir some shit tonight.
Paul returns to his client with the good news, but Brock refuses to leave. If the Big Show won’t stir shit, then it looks like Brock will have to play shit-stirrer. Brock walks out to the ring and calls out Big Show, who certainly won’t target his very noticeable, DDP-esque ribtape. Paul tries desperately to stop him, but Brock just tells him to shut the fuck up.
Big Show comes out and, believe it or not, Brock fucks his night all the way up. I’m serious. First thing Brock does is ram Show into the steel steps and bust the shit out of his forearm. He then grabs a steel chair and plays baseball with Show’s skull. Been a while since we’ve had a good old fashioned unprotected chairshot on SmackDown, hasn’t it? May I remind you that I review Chris Benoit matches on the regular and this shit is incredibly worrying. Show blades (right in front of the replay camera) and Brock seals the deal by smashing him with the title. That’s like the least painful thing you’ve done so far, Brock. The Giant Killer stands tall, broken ribs and all, and Big Show… let’s just say Show’s seen better days.
And that’s our show! Join us next time for Survivor Series, featuring:
- Bubba Ray Dudley, Spike Dudley & Jeff Hardy vs. 3-Minute Warning & Rico, in an Elimination Tables Match
- Victoria vs. Trish Stratus, Hardcore Match for the Women’s Championship
- Billy Kidman vs. Jamie Noble, Cruiserweight Championship
- Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit vs. Los Guerreros vs. Edge & Rey Mysterio, Triple Threat Elimination Match for the WWE Tag Team Championships
- Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar, WWE Championship
- Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho vs. Booker T vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Kane vs. Triple H, in the first ever Elimination Chamber match for the World Heavyweight Championship
- …And not a single five-on-five elimination match!
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