Pops & Botches: AEW Dynamite “Winter Done Come” – 12.02.2020

AEW Dynamite Pops & Botches

 

Ugh, such a boring uneventful episode this week. Well, let’s see if I can’t scrape some opinions from the bottom of the barrel and find SOMETHING that stands out.

POP: Diamond Bowl Battle Royale

We start with the newly announced to be annual Diamond Bowl! I’m looking forward to this being a yearly event, though some of the finer details haven’t been hashed out, as we shall soon see. Let’s get to some notes…

  • Smart guys Shawn Spears and Scorpio Sky refuse to enter at first. MJF and Wardlow and Sammy sit outside as well.
  • Shawn Spears fireman carries Sydal onto the ramp, sick bump.

  • Great subplot of the entire thing is the continued seduction of the Hangman into the Dark Order. Silver and Reynolds score some great combos on dimestore Sauron (Serpentico) only for Hangman to finish the job and clothesline him over. Reynolds and Silver celebrate, with Silver riding piggy back and I’m suddenly really wanting to see Dark Order Hangman. Also, seeing Silver hop on Hangman’s back makes me finally put my finger on his essence: Silver is one of the Bad Idea Bears from the Avenue Q musical.

It’s almost TOO on the nose.

  • Schiavone picks his favorites, Miro and Wardlow for size. Shawn Spears because he’s a veteran. Spears is immediately eliminated and we cut to Tully Blanchard who passes him another piece of kelp we’re going to call a “slug” again.
  • Sabian and Miro take Orange to the outside and beat on him.
  • Even once they enter, Sammy and MJF hide behind Wardlow in the corner.
  • Miro starts showing flashes of Rusev by just powerhousing throwing people at the ground or over the ropes as hard as he can. I am screaming at my TV to become Rusev like the kids cheering on Peter Pan in Hook.

  • With only Miro and Jungle boy left, the Inner Circle pounces. Miro pops out knocking MJF and Sammy away, leaving only the two (moderately) big men to throw hands. MJF and Sammy hold him while Wardlow throws hands. (I’m liking seeing MJF and Sammy realize they’re more alike than they think.) They eliminate Miro. Leaving only 3IC and Jungle Boy Jack Perry.

Jungle Boy and Sammy have a GREAT high risk acrobatic routine on the apron, risking the loss. They end up on the turnbuckle only for MJF to push them BOTH off. You beautiful dickhead.

Wardlow points out that Orange Cassidy still hasn’t been eliminated. Wardlow brings him in the ring and goes to eliminate OC while MJF mugs for the camera. OC shoves Wardlow who knocks MJF over the rope, and Wardlow has to grab him through the ropes to prevent the elimination. OC manages to eliminate Wardlow! And..the bell rings..wait, did they explain this? Is this some champion advantage where the previous winner can simply not get eliminated to tie it up and push it to a match next week? Is this something that was on Being the Elite that I’m being told I must but will not watch?

Regardless, next week, OC vs. MJF. I’m game for a year of Orange Cassidy constantly losing a diamond ring due to carelessness!

POP: KoachZarian

Gimme 20 pushups, ladies!

Frankie Kazarian needs to quit wrestling, as he has surely missed out on his true calling of “Gruff Movie High School Football Coach With A Heart Of Gold That Will Have A Heart Attack In The 2nd Act”. I have no proof, but I can guarantee Kazarian gives his sons inspiring speeches that always begin with, “Listen up, Ladies!” I’d go to the ends of the earth for that man.

As Jericho arrives, Excalibur announces “You can wear what Le Champion wears” and then I was heartbroken to not find that Yellow paint stained spiky leather jacket. False advertising! Though probably for the best. My fiancé is a petite lady and I would 100% stab an eye out by accident with one of those shoulder spikes in the first five minutes.

 

I personally love the microgenre of wrestling, “Kinda thick middle aged wrestling dads that can still jump around a bit”. They still have the ankles and hammies for the flippy shit, without the twinkish vulnerability of most cruiserweights. When Kazarian jumps over and drops a hamhock thigh on your neck, you’re gonna feel that shit. And then he’ll demand you go run a lap and hit the showers, and you WILL, BECAUSE YOU WILL FOLLOW THAT MAN INTO THE GATES OF HELL IF HE GETS US TO ANOTHER STATE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME! THE HADDONFIELD BULLDAWGS ARE GOING DOWN, MUSTANGS NEVER DIE OOO-RAH!

Kazarian desperately needs some storyline or character work. Dude can go in the ring. He’s a lesser known vet (I was never a TNA guy, so he’s still pretty new to me). He’s been kicking ass the last few weeks in pretty heatless storyless matches. This one doesn’t have much more than any of the others, but there’s an URGENCY, he wants to win this shit and shows it in every move. Just give me one or two promos of him saying what he actually wants from this win and you’ve got something. Hell, he’s in the ring against Jericho, it would be super easy to tell a story of the veteran who reached the peaks of the industry vs. the vet who never got the big break.

Special K gets Jericho in the Boston Crab in the middle of the ring and Ortiz and Hager almost interfere, AND THEN OUT COMES MJF READY TO THROW IN THE TOWEL. MJF you beautiful dickhead. Pretty funny, and it’ll definitely set up something great down the line. Unfortunately it takes a hard fought match on Kazarian’s part and immediately retcons everything into being all about Inner Circle Inner Turmoil.

Sammy shoves MJF and a minor skirmish breaks out. Jericho hops on the mic and gives us the first and second shit of the night saying “Stop this shit, this is bullshit!” He tells them next week we’re having a meeting where we either decide to all work together or dissolve altogether.” It’s the first and lesser of a sudden rushed major angle this week. Guys, we know they’re gonna have issues, give it a little time. Rushing right into “Oh MJF is gonna throw in the towel!” is just…MJF is smarter than that, ya know? Yeah, he’s an opportunistic scumbag, but let him get bored and frustrated. (Warning now: There’s going to be a lot of bitching tonight about how AEW plots out their storylines, and this one is the least bad by a WIDE margin.)

POP: Just Legit Enough to Quit

I can’t find a clip of it, but watch this match, if for nothing else, but the single worst kick to the face in the history of our sport. This is the kick you deliver to your little brother’s face when you first figure out the leg slap thing. (I assume, leg slaps weren’t a thing when I was a boy. We just straight up chokeslammed our siblings then. They were simpler times.)

Leyla looks great in a “Marko Stunt but intimidating” kinda way. She’s small enough that it’s always gonna be a bit of weird sight, but definitely legit enough to always be a threat.

BBDMD gets her with the LockJaw, only for a Thunder Rosa run in and a pull apart that elicits a super-fresh and timely “Jerry, Jerry” chant.

I have nothing else to say about this for now. And why should I, really? We’ve seen Thunder Rosa interact with Shida, with substitute teacher women’s champion Serena Deeb. Yeah, Britt Baker’s been involved and interfered, but Rosa fighting back doesn’t need to be a story beat on it’s own. The storylines are so wonky tonight it’s putting them all under a microscope.

POP: Darby Allin and Cody vs. Team Taz (Hobbs and Starks)

Hey guys! What iteration of Nightmare Family vs. Team Taz are we gonna get this week?! Will it be Cage and Hobbs, or Starks and Hobbs? Will it be Cody and Dustin, or whoever Cody is kinda not really feuding with? Or are we gonna phone it in and remember the (Son of a) Gunn Club are involved?

This match action itself is great, I just don’t think it really moves things along at all. But, because it fits into the greater narrative of the evening, I’ll get to it later. Starks and Hobbs play good heels by cutting the ring and stopping Darby from getting anywhere near Cody. Darby is overpowered by PowerHouse Hobbs, as Darby is the size and weight of most wild otters, and off-brand-Big-E is Big>O. (Bigger than an Otter)

Cody and Darby have a SWEET blind tag as Cody scales the turnbuckle with no hands, Darby smacks Cody’s calf, as Cody does a jumping backward stunner before doing a plancha, as Cody jumps up and Coffin Drops Starks for the win.

Arn gets in and throws the greatest goddamn old man punches before getting smacked up. Taz jumps up on the apron. Dustin Runnels (in his Blue Dust tribute paint) runs out to help, only for Cage to come out as well.

The Taz boys are all ready to smack Cody in the face with the Not-That-Prestigious FTW belt when the LIGHTS GO OUT .

Sorry.

POP: STANG!!!!!@!!

FUCKING STING COMES OUT!!!! He acknowledges Arn and goes face to face with Darby Allin. Also the fake snow gets all in the camera lens. Incredible mournful powermetal music. THIS is massive. 18 years since he wrestled Ric Flair on the final Monday Night Nitro, Sting added some glycerin and is back on TNT on Dynamite. This is MASSIVE news and I think, with the exception of maybe the initial announcement of the company, the single biggest coup in the wrestling business since. Commentary tells us (while also referencing the old WCW hotline), that Tony Khan has announced that Sting has been signed to a MULTI-YEAR deal! AEW may already have Jericho who is still a legend in the making, but AEW now has their ACTUAL legend. This is gonna get so many new fans checking it out. This is also the first time we’ve seen Sting in the ring after getting buckle bombed into retirement by Seth Rollins.

Still…something ain’t quite right here. I’m sure some stuff will get explained, but still, let’s look at the last few weeks of storytelling beats…

“NOBODY RESPECTS THE FTW LIFESTYLE!”

Wait, what?

“YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I’M TRAINING YOUR SON TO WRESTLE!”

Taz has a kid? When did I miss this?

“BY GAWD IT’S STING!”

Ohhh…now it makes sense. Ugh, just scroll to the end, rant incoming.

Checkov’s Jackyl

Hmm… what a not at all foreshadowing of things to come…

BOTCH: Winter Has Come (The Match)

We get the usual hyped up entrance from Omega. Wait…we’re missing something… Where?…WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE CLEANER GALS?!?! ARE THEY OKAY? HAS MOXLEY BEATEN THEM DOWN BACKSTAGE THAT TRASHY MOTHERFUCKER? DID THE BUDGET GET CUT SIGNING STING? I’M FINE WITHOUT STING I NEED CLEANER GALS.

Commentary is really laying into the storyline of Kenny not living up to the hype. Kayfabe or not, they’re right. I was excited enough for this match I watched a bunch of Okada/Omega *highlights* last night and really remembered just how GREAT Omega was a few years back. We have NOT seen this Omega on AEW shores yet. He’s put on good matches, of course. Great stories so far as well. Let’s not forget weird meme tributes and Steve Jobs cosplay. But the CLEANER? The former IWGP Champion? The first gaijin to win the G1 climax? The Kenny Omega of the Tokyo Dome hasn’t popped his head in the Florida Amphitheater yet.

  • Is there a law that fans who make wrestling compilation videos MUST have the worst taste in music ever? The most generic white boy redstate rock in EVERY. SINGLE. VIDEO. You know what can ruin every great wrestling moment ever? Breaking Benjamin.

Anywhere else I would fear this meant the slow erosion of a one-time great. Thankfully, it’s all been the long term storytelling style from Japan. Where a character’s heel turn is set up for years. Kayfabe Kenny has been working behind the scenes, getting this company up and running. He had a great tag team run until it ended. But that was Kenny having a good time. Good time, weeaboo, video game and wrestling loving Kenny. NOT psychotically motivated win at all costs freak cardio best bout 6 star machine Kenny. Does he still have it in him? We’ll see.

Oh, and also he’s fighting Jon “Fighting Champion” Moxley. His style? Fighting champion. His character? Fighting Champion. His motive? Fighting Champion. Which isn’t a bad thing. Not every story needs to begin with, “Actually, we’re secretly brothers, also I remember when you killed that girl and I’m gonna tell everyone you killed our parents PSYCHE YOUR MANAGER IS OUR DAD!” I honestly can’t imagine this step in Kenny’s story working with anyone better than Moxley. That blank slate is the canvas for this picture to be painted. It’s not even about Moxley; it’s about the belt. What does a champion look like? So far in AEW, he looks like a long-time WWE employee who jumps ship. While not quite homegrown (that happened in a whole other hemisphere), Omega is trying to become what a North American champion should look like. So he puts on the suit and the shades and he makes sure his opponent is sneak attacked before the contract signing. He talks shit and lists his accomplishments over his opponents. He had two super cute gals dancing with brooms to introduce himself before Sting related budget cutbacks broke my heart for all eternity. Kenny’s unsure of himself. He’s unsure if he’s got what it takes to be THE GUY anymore. So he’s playing pretend the best way he can until tonight, when he has to back it up. Can he?

There’s a gentleman’s agreement going into this match that they’d leave the garbage wrestling at home. Mox teases breaking that oath by throwing a chair in the ring, only to throw in another one for a “Let’s sit down like gentleman and punch each other” spot.

Kenny starts getting desperate to put it away, making several attempts at the One Winged Angel (which no one has ever kicked out of) to no avail. Kenny gets thrown into the heater at the side of the stage and we get a ref break. AAAAAAND, the whole goddamn thing falls apart.

Don Callis comes down to check on him. Moxley doesn’t feel like waiting and throws him back in and starts punching him. Don Callis jumps on the mic. Moxley punches him in the face and roses explode from his pocket. Omega grabs the mic and hits Moxley between the eyes. Moxley blades. Omega hits the One Winged Angel for the win and the new championship!

It…uh…wasn’t that great.

With roughly 10 minutes in the match, I was texting a friend and typed “They’re kinda whiffing this big moment”. Unfortunately, I think I was right. They started the match with that slow Japan style of taking their time, but it really doesn’t work great with several commercial breaks cutting down on the lack of momentum. Then we get the ringside injury ref timeout. Already that felt weird, as it didn’t seem to be anything even resembling something injury or a bad bump. Don Callis coming down to check immediately gave it the stink of being fake. Then backstab, the 1-2-3, and then the announcement on the exit to their car that they’ll talk on Tuesday night…ON IMPACT WRESTLING ON AXSTV!

Lol, wut?

Also pretty much a BOTCH: Winter is Coming (The Angle)

This is slightly intriguing that we’re gonna get to see some interpromotional shenanigans, but dude, you guys dragged the whole match into mediocrity to get us there. There was definitely a way to pull this off, and a slow plodding match wasn’t it.

They sold us “Winter is Coming” like Omega/Okada. The Best Bout Machine Returns! Hard Hitting Champion Gravitas with Purpose! What did we actually get? A hybrid of CM Punk MITB/Montreal Screwjob. I’m intrigued where it’s going, but Jesus flippin’ Christ this is was a dumb way to get there.

This unfortunately is underlining some problems with AEW’s storylines. I think they were hard to complain about at first: Despite the repeated tropes, they were so NOT WWE tropes that they felt fresh, but now it’s getting kind of old. They did the AEW thing where they believe that they’ve completed one storyline and then pivoting to a completely new unrelated storyline. Hell, they did it THREE TIMES tonight. Jericho vs. Kazarian became all about the last 2 minutes and was ACTUALLY the Inner Circle vs. the Inner Circle. After all the teasing of Taz’s son between him and Cody (which was a weird unhinted at plot point in and of itself) and boom, now Sting’s involved. It’s like if Star Wars was “Actually Rey’s parents are important afterall haha tricked you BY GOD IT’S THE EMPEROR FOR NO RAISIN!” (Could you imagine how dumb it would be if Star Wars actually did that? LOL)

And now we get the sudden insertion of a major character that has never appeared before, under the assumption that all these new fans they’re trying to attract will know and remember the detailed history of the dickish TV producer for ECW on TNN 20 years ago. I know that history and even I find it convoluted. It’s an interesting story development but a MAJOR disappointment to all of the anticipation AEW has been building for a month. Is it really gonna be worth all of it to see LuchaSaurus vs. Luke Gallows, but then Karl Anderson’s wife shows up pregnant and LG is the father and it’s suddenly about THAT shit so forgotten LuchaSaurus asks Marko Stunt for a ride back to the house?

Guys…what the shit happened here?

Follow Jesse @jessedraham on all the things for more convoluted disappointment. Listen to the I Hate Infinite Jest Podcast if you have an English degree and merely ARE a disappointment.

     

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