Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Dawn Marie took a shower with Al Wilson, Jamie Noble battled Nidia and turned on his martial arts friend, John Cena took it out on Billy Kidman, the finals of the Tag Team Championship Tournament were set in stone and the Undertaker left Paul Heyman in a pool of his own blood. You can watch No Mercy here. Next Big Thing!
LITERAL BOTCH: A Rope of Sand
Remember SummerSlam, where Booker T and Goldust lost a Tag Team Championship match to the Un-Americans via disqualification? And then they beat the Un-Americans in an eight-man tag? Logically, this would lead to Booker and Goldie beating Christian and Lance Storm in a feud-ender, maybe with a stipulation. Except, they’re not wrestling Christian and Storm, they’re wrestling Christian and Jericho. The Un-Americans died off-screen, and they ain’t coming back. C’est la vie! So, Christian and Storm lost the belts and split up, so Christian found himself another Canadian to get them back. “Oh!”, I hear you saying, “so Booker and Goldust did win the belts and then dropped them to Christian and Jericho”. No, silly! The Un-Americans lost the belts to Kane and the Hurricane (???), who then lost the belts to The Chris Coallition over here. Meaning Booker/Goldust have been chasing these straps since August and they haven’t been involved in either title change.
The match is mostly notable for how unbelievably bad Christian’s gear looks at this point. At least the work is solid, even if these guys still wrestle like they’re on a house show. This is the opener, so the crowd is hot, and the faces are super over. Unfortunately for the boys, Jericho attempts a springboard dropkick and completely destroys the middle rope in the first match of the show. He eventually lands a bulldog (onto the belt, cause he’s a heel) and a Lionsau—uh—a regular moonsault on Goldust for the victory. Yes, Goldust and Booker are still chasing these fucking belts. Bad time to be a Booker fan!
BOTCH: Daddy Issues
Before Torrie vs. Dawn, Al Wilson gets an interview with SmackDown’s Number 1 Announcer Funaki (INDEED!). Funaki gets us up to speed and asks several hard-hitting questions, like “why were you wearing clothes in the shower”. Al stammers and assures us he did not have sexual relations with that woman. Michael Cole, subtle as always, adds “I think I’ve heard somebody use that expression before!” No Cole, I did not get that reference. Alright, Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie. On PPV. At least the women’s champion is also booked.
I’ll give Torrie credit, this is a grudge match, and she is angry. Match sucks, by the way. At one point, Dawn headbutts Torrie’s groin, which really confuses Tazz on whether or not that would hurt. This is very much a Divas match, so they do the old “roll over the ref” spot, and my GOD does it pop the crowd. Referee Mike Sparks throws his hands up in the air and Little Rock is so happy for him. Torrie gets the win after the swinging neckbreaker, which is sure to end this feud for good.
POP, I GUESS?: Robbed!
After losing a World Title match last month due to an “unexpected” Ric Flair heel turn, RVD gets his chance for revenge against the old timer. Rob does a terrible Ric Flair impression and reminds fans that he is, in fact, just like them! He flies commercial! He drives a car! He smokes weed! A lot of weed! What does Ric Flair do? Style, profile? Since when is “styling” a verb? How do we know he’s not racially profiling, huh? Plenty of heavy questions tonight. This is another match in the “Ric Flair wrestles your favorites” series he’s been doing these past few months: Eddie at King of the Ring, Jericho at SummerSlam and Unforgiven, and now Van Dam. The matches haven’t been great or anything, but who cares, it’s Ric.
Rob bounces around and kicks, Flair does his usual routine. Closed fists, thumb to the eye, low blow, begging off, the stuff. Ric works Rob’s knee, and Rob sells it… mostly. He starts running without a hitch a couple minutes later, but I’ve come to expect that from Rob. RVD wins fair and square with a beautiful Frog Splash. And by “fair and square” I mean “Ric’s shoulder is like one head above the canvas”. At least we gave some momentum back to our cool fan favorite after making him look like a total goober. Yeah, it gets a pop, why not.
???: WELL…
It’s the Big Show and he’s very angry about not being booked. He hasn’t been on PPV since July. He’s a giant, too, in case you forgot. He’s seen talking to Stephanie McMahon, despite being a Raw guy, until Eric Bischoff starts screaming at him. He then threatens to snap Bischoff’s neck for not booking him. Keep an eye on Show, he’ll become important real soon.
BOTCH: The Devil You Know
“One show, one champion”
Now that SmackDown only has one singles title (Jamie’s doesn’t count), Raw decided it would be a marvelous idea to get rid of the Intercontinental Championship. Despite the fact it fuels storylines, deepens your singles division and allows you to elevate stars with little effort. Oh, wait! My bad, that’s what it should be doing! Yeah, just get rid of the IC, not like it’s gonna be worth anything for the next ten years. It’s cool that they show a cute video tribute (featuring Owen!) to the title they’re about to retire for no apparent reason. So let’s get you up to speed: Triple H retained against RVD, joined forces with Ric Flair and laid the foundation for his… historic… world title run. Shortly after, babyface weirdo Kane defeated Chris Jericho for the Intercontinental Championship on Raw. That belt’s been bouncing around quite a bit lately. Kane then won the tag titles alongside the Hurricane and defended them on his own at TLC 4, because he’s an overall cool guy now. A big, popular, goofy, burned, possibly satanic babyface as your IC champ. An awful, scummy, hateable heel as your world champ. You wanna unify the belts, so you run them against each other. That’s your feud.
Except, uh, it isn’t.
…Do the words “Katie Vick” ring a bell?
Yup. That’s what we’re doing. Triple H, not content with taking the Intercontinental title, reminds Kane of that time he killed his girlfriend. Oh, you hadn’t heard? Ten years ago, meaning, 1992, Kane accidentally crashed his car while returning home from a party, killing Katie instantly. In between calling Kane a “murderah” and making fun of the deceased, Trips accuses Kane of fucking her corpse. He illustrates this by wearing a Kane mask and banging a mannequin inside a coffin. Hurricane later fires back by putting on a Triple H mask and getting an enema. None of this makes any fucking sense, considering (in kayfabe) Kane was probably locked in a mental institution until like 1997. Between burning his entire family alive and becoming Jason Voorhees, when exactly did he get the free time to go to a college frat party?
Let’s talk about the match. It’s not good. These two are unbelievably sloppy together and almost every move looks like shit. All this needed to be was like ten minutes of Kane being a slasher movie monster and kicking Triple H’s ass all over the place, then losing to interference. Instead, it’s a bunch of Triple H neckbreakers. Like 50 of ‘em. I’m two matches into Triple H’s reign and I’m already falling asleep. JR announces that, should Kane win, he’d be the first masked man to ever win the world title. King asks if he’d be the first murderer to win the world title. No King, not until 2007. God, I’m sorry, this match is really doing something to me. It’s not even that bad, you’ve seen worse matches, it’s just… nothing. It’s nothing. The announcers spend the entire time talking about Katie Vick and semen.
I’m just gonna speed through the rest of this match, if you don’t mind. Flair runs in, Hurricane runs in, belt shot, ref bump, Chokeslam on the Spanish announce table, low blow, sledgehammer shot, another Chokeslam. Second ref runs down, Flair punches him out and eats a Chokeslam. There’s so much bullshit happening I can barely see the match. Kane sells a Pedigree on his knee and Triple H wins.
Raw fucking sucks, dude.
SLIGHT BOTCH: Tajiri’s Day Out
After months of enjoying an international friendship, Tajiri and Noble finally explode. To be honest, I can’t even tell you why they were tagging in the first place. Tajiri’s the most likeable guy on the roster right now and I’m fairly certain he hasn’t gotten a single win since I started doing this recap. Coupled with the fact he’s gotten his ass kicked two weeks in a row, I’m really cheering for this guy. It’s not great, there’s like four minutes of Jamie getting heat, but I’ll take what I can get. Tajiri’s pretty dope and the crowd really likes him, which is a plus. Tajiri eventually sneaks in a Buzzsaw kick, but Nidia snatches a lip lock on the ref. Jamie then hits a Tiger Bomb for a near-fall, forcing him to improvise and win via shitty interference. As he does.
Tajiri may not be our Cruiserweight Champion, but he gets back at his former friends by making out with Nidia. Nidia seems to like it, so Noble says “I’ll show him!” and makes out with Nidia as well. And then Tajiri kicks him in the back of the head. Dumbass.
???: A Very Bad Uncle
Angle and Benoit attack Chavo (who isn’t booked) backstage and lure Eddie (who also isn’t booked) into an obvious trap. Eddie’s smarter than your average stupid heel, however. He asks “¿QUE TE CREES QUE SOY PENDEJO, HOMES?” and calls their bluff… while Chavo screams in agony behind a closed door for like two minutes. Eddie’s not buying it, though.
That’s not Chavito’s voice! That’s a little girl’s voice!
…So, Eddie thought A LITTLE GIRL was screaming for help locked in a room with Kurt Angle and he didn’t even bother to check? Man, these guys are evil.
POP: The Division
Throughout the history of professional wrestling, there are a few select tag team matches that rank squarely above all others. For some, it’s Misawa and Kobashi vs. the Holy Demon Army, or Kobashi and Kikuchi vs. The Can-Am Express. Some would say Marufuji and Sugiura vs. the Briscoes or, if you’re into the newer stuff, Hangman and Omega vs. Young Bucks or DIY vs. The Revival. But in the halls of tag team wrestling, there’s one particular match that’s usually kept in cold storage. Obviously, we can chalk that up to the lasting legacy of Chris Benoit’s career, but I wouldn’t be writing this in the first place if I was gonna let that stop me. Chris Benoit & Kurt Angle vs. Edge & Rey Mysterio is, for my money, the perfect example of what the SmackDown Six were capable of.
For starters, we have these spiffy new tag team belts, so we’re setting up a tournament. That right there is usually enough for most wrestling companies. A tournament creates plenty of matchups, sets up feuds and kills a good three to four weeks of TV. Plus, tournaments are just naturally cool. But we have a story here, and a really good one. On the one hand, you have Edge and Rey Mysterio, the favorites. Their merchandise sells like crazy, the crowd loves them, they’re the most popular men on your roster by a landslide and they’re all-around good guys. Edge is an 8-time tag champ looking for SmackDown gold, and this would be Rey’s first title since joining WWE.
On the other, you got Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle. The best in the world. A pair of total assholes who can legitimize any belt they come in contact with. Unfortunately, they’re their own worst enemy. They’ve been fighting on and off for the better part of two years and they physically can’t stop locking submissions on one another. So, you give them an ultimatum: if they don’t fight together for the tag team titles and make this division worth something, they’re gone for a year without pay.
That’s the key. Now Angle and Benoit aren’t just two singles dudes, too big for the tag straps, tagging together because they’re bored. No, they’re the best in the world and they need these belts. As an added bonus, Kurt Angle has never won a tag title in his entire career. High stakes! This isn’t just some bullshit headcanon I made up to make this match sound cool, it’s a story they’ve been telling since Unforgiven, and it’s been great so far. The shows have been good, the wrestling has been dope and your pretty new tag titles are a true prize worth fighting for.
There’s like four different feuds running between all these guys at the same time, and the work is top notch. Special shoutout to Angle and Rey, still doing their thing. I still can’t believe Randy Orton robbed us of a singles World Title match between those two. We also get one of the most underrated spots of all time: Chris Benoit’s snot rocket. That alone makes this worth a watch, but it’s also the best match I’ve reviewed so far, and it’s not even close. 22 minutes of tag team action later, Edge taps to the Ankle Lock… and our favorite show just got a new set of belts.
SmackDown is good. SmackDown is very good.
SLIGHT BOTCH: They Have ‘Till Five
Last month at Unforgiven, the girlhood dream came true for Trish Startus as she defeated Molly Holly to regain her Women’s Championship in about five minutes. Now she defends against everyone’s favorite, Victoria. That’s not a joke, try and find a single wrestling fan that doesn’t like Victoria. It ain’t easy! This is Vicky’s first shot at the big time, but she’s still a few months away from her legendary Stevie Night Heat run. Also not joking, those two were actually great. Aside from a wonky monkey flip, the work is fine; these two aren’t bad at all. If you were hoping they went longer than five, though, you’re outta luck. Victoria avoids Stratusfaction and immediately falls prey to an O’Connor roll, then kicks Trish straight in the face post-match. This feud will continue, which should mean we get a better match down the road. Fingers crossed.
SLIGHT POP: Hell is Empty
Recap: The Undertaker became Brock Lesnar’s first challenger and his first real challenge. Taker kicked Matt Hardy’s ass a bit. Lesnar and Paul Heyman proceeded to mess with Taker’s pregnant wife in order to get inside his head, and their first match ended in DQ. Taker kicked Matt Hardy’s ass some more. Then Brock broke Taker’s hand. And then they brought back Taker’s old flame to accuse him of cheating with said pregnant wife. Oh, and by the way, this is match is Hell in a Cell, Taker’s signature. Got all that? Good. It’s been 50 Matt Hardy matches, but we’re almost done. Before the main, Tracy is revealed to be, as Taker puts it, “a lying bitch” just trying to get her man back. Stephanie kicks her out of the building, and that’s the last we’ll ever see of her. Thank you for your time, Tracy, you really made this feud worth something. Rikishi also stutters through a promo putting over the VIOLENCE we’re about to witness.
Right off the bat, it’s leagues better than their first match by sheer virtue of having a finish. Don’t worry, they’re like seventeen years away from ending a Hell in a Cell on a DQ. It’s not really my thing, though, there’s a lot of heat. You know, heat. Lesnar snatches one of those shitty heat armbars while Undertaker screams like an old man. Speaking of screaming, Taker busts Brock open quickly and Heyman screeches like some sort of yank banshee. It’s somewhere between really annoying and kinda hilarious.
The match is certainly violent enough to make it good. As simple as it is, “slow and gruesome” is a much better formula than whatever the fuck HHH is doing. Everyone bleeds here, even Paul. Taker’s dripping so hard I’m pretty sure he could paint a house. There’s a couple highlights worth noting, however: Brock tosses the steel steps to the other side of the cell (!) and Taker lands a suicide dive (!!!). Taker eventually nails Lesnar with the Last Ride, but the champ grabs the bottom rope. Which makes no fucking sense, considering Taker attempted a pin on the outside earlier, which implies falls count anywhere. “Anywhere” as in, UNDER THE GODDAMN ROPES. Taker sets up the Tombstone, but Brock reverses into a very neat F5. Undertaker takes his second loss inside Hell in a Cell, and this feud is finally over.
There Goes the Pain.
