Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, John Cena beat Rhyno in unconvincing fashion, the FBI lost to and then attacked Chris Benoit and Crash Holly made his long-awaited SmackDown return. You can watch Backlash on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. Next Big Thing!
SLIGHT POP: The Very Picture of Good Health
We begin our triumphant return to PPV with the WWE tag title bout: Team Angle defend against Los Guerreros. To ensure a successful title defense, the champs are accompanied by a framed portrait of team captain Kurt Angle, gold medals included. I like how Brock Lesnar took out both of Team Angle’s managers (Kurt and Heyman) and they’re so desperate for an agent that they’ve resorted to a PNG on an easel. If you’ve watched at least five minutes of pro wrestling in your entire life you already know there’s not a chance in hell that picture makes it through the night unscathed.
The Guerreros are officially the top babyface team on SmackDown by this point. They cheat, crowd cheers; Team Angle cheat, crowd boos. In that order. Team Angle could be wrestling like they’re the Von Erichs out there and they’d still get booed. Eddie in particular is OVER right now, they love him to bits. He even tries to get some of it to rub off on Chavito but it doesn’t quite work. The wrestling here is predictably good, if a little heatless in the early goings. Team Angle keep Eddie isolated and I’ve never noticed this before, but face Eddie is probably one of the greatest Ricky Morton-types of all time, absolutely phenomenal at taking a beating. By the time Chavo gets the hot tag, they got the crowd hooked.
The Guerreros have Charlie beat with the Frog Splash but Shelton pulls Chavo out of the ring, starting a scuffle at ringside. Chavo tries to back suplex Charlie right next to the ropes, like a moron, so Shelton trips him up and holds onto his leg to steal the win. The flattest finish they could’ve possibly come up with, but not a bad match by any means. Afterwards, Chavo finally knocks that Angle picture down with a plancha onto the champs. I fully expected them to smash the picture to pieces, but I’ll take what I can get. Los Guerreros steal the champs’ belts and drive off in their sweet green lowrider. Before you ask, yes, the honk plays La Cucaracha.
BOTCH: Blondspiracy
It’s time for another one of those classic overarching PPV B-plots tonight, easily the worst part of any WWE PPV. Remember that thing with Vince McMahon and his egg from Survivor Series 2021? I watched Vengeance 2002 the other day and I swear they spent like forty five fucking minutes discussing which brand Triple H would sign with. I hate these segments so much. After the opening bout, we see Raw’s resident 6’6 asshole Test harass Torrie Wilson backstage in front of a camera crew. He calls her a tease for not returning his calls and then forcibly kisses her. In front of a camera crew.
SmackDown’s newest shit-stirrer Sable overhears this and tells Stacy Keibler (Test’s girlfriend) that Torrie’s trying to steal her man. This completes our blonde lady alignment chart: Good blonde (Torrie), mean blonde (Sable) and dumb blonde (Stacy). Stacy confronts Torrie about it and the two get into a fight, which ends with Stacy getting a big ass box dropped on her head. Incredibly funny. Stacy’s rescued by her knight in shining armor… Scott Steiner? Yeah, Scotty’s currently feuding with Test over on Raw. I honestly thought we’d never see him again after those Triple H matches but apparently he and Test are both booked for Judgment Day next month. Can’t wait! Test gets mad at Stacy for accepting Steiner’s help, and my man when you make Scott Steiner look like a caring boyfriend you’ve gone completely off the rails.
BOTCH: Coconut Chronicles
Rowdy Roddy’s muscle Sean O’Haire makes his in-ring debut tonight against Jimmy Snuka expy Rikishi. Piper brings a basket of coconuts down to the ring just so we don’t forget what they’re feuding over. O’Haire looks perfectly fine against Kishi but it’s a weak showcase, mostly because the crowd gets completely distracted by something off-screen. I’m sure it’s more interesting than whatever’s happening in the ring. In case you were wondering how the match is going, Piper forgets to sweep Rikishi’s leg off an Irish whip but Kish turns around anyway.
The whole thing falls apart within a couple of minutes anyway: O’Haire avoids the Stinkface, Piper enters the ring, O’Haire and Rikishi knock each other out, Piper leaves the ring, the ref starts counting, and Piper enters the ring AGAIN. Roddy’s having a rough go of it tonight, I gotta say. Piper tries to attack Rikishi with the coconut and gets coconut smashed himself, allowing O’Haire to hit His Move for the win. Waste of time, but at least Piper had the decency to bleed a little.
BOTCH: Hell to the Chief
Aaaaaaaand we’re back to the Raw tag division. Awesome. Exactly what I wanted. Raw’s tag champs Kane and RVD defend against the Dudley Boyz, with Chief Morley playing guest referee. In case you forgot, Chief Morley is Val Venis, and also the heel assistant to Raw GM Eric Bischoff. Think Constable Corbin, except… actually no, it’s exactly like Constable Corbin. The story here (I think) is that Bischoff and Morley want the champs to lose the belts, and they’re forcing the Dudley Boyz to do their bidding against their will in order to keep their jobs. I’m sure it’s more complex than that but I’ll be cold in the ground before I watch an episode of 2003 Raw. Morley actually calls the match down the middle, much to the surprise of Jerry Lawler and Coach on commentary. Yeah, Coach is doing commentary tonight. Everything is going great.
Poor Rob ends up doing the work of four guys in this match, he’s absolutely fantastic here while everyone else moves through molasses. Kane especially is just awful tonight, almost everything he does looks like shit. The crowd begs for tables in vain as the match slogs along before Morley finally breaks bad and hits a low blow on Kane. He then misses a clothesline on RVD and nails Bubba, and the whole match breaks down. Lance Storm shows up, the Chief eats a 3D, Rob lands the Five Star Frog Splash on Bubba and another ref runs down to count the fall. Last few minutes were alright, I’ll admit, but not enough to save the first half. I’m sure the Bischoff/Morley/Kane/RVD/Dudleyz drama will continue for another three months on the show we don’t watch.
POP, I GUESS?: Black Mamba
Up next, Women’s Champion Trish Stratus defends vs. Jazz, who has recently joined Theodore Long’s stable of assorted black athletes. They drive the point home with an in-ring promo that I just had to transcribe, because seriously, look at this:
Long: Let me holla at ya, playa! You know, tonight is about one thing, and that one thing is vindication. Vindication for baby girl Jazz, who’s gonna rise above all prejudice! She’s gonna rise above all bigotry! And I guarantee you tonight that Jazz will defeat Trish Stratus and become the new women’s champion! Believe that, playa! You feel me, boo?
Jazz: I feel ya, playa. Cause tonight… the bitch is back, and the bitch is black! Believe that!
Unbelievable. Got to be the greatest wrestling catchphrase this side of X-Pac’s “your ass is grass and I’m gonna smoke it”.
Trish is working injured tonight, the Dudleyz attacked her on Raw last Monday to get their tag title shot from earlier. Well, commentary says she’s working injured, but she doesn’t actually sell anything, so maybe what happens on Raw isn’t that important after all. There’s this weird spot where Jazz starts removing a turnbuckle pad and then completely forgets about it, but aside from that, the match is good. It’s just a shade below six minutes but Trish and Jazz work really well together and they’re head and shoulders above SmackDown’s entire female roster. Trish hits the Chick Kick for a nearfall and lands Stratusfaction, but Teddy throws his shoe upside a bitch’s head to break it up. Jazz avoids a second Stratusfaction, reverses a sunset flip and holds onto the ropes to win the belt. Good on Jazz, though I’m getting a little tired of these TV finishes tonight.
POP: Rey Gets Squashed
After weeks of poking the biggest, maddest bear he could find, Rey Mysterio goes face-to-face toe-to-toe with the Big Show. My condolences ahead of time. Show is pissed beyond belief heading into the match, but Rey somehow catches him off guard and manages a bit of offense early on. Rey brains Show with a chair (lucky for Rey, Show’s shenanigan sense was tingling and he bumped the ref right before impact) and hits three 619s in a row, but Show goozles Rey in mid-air and lands the Chokeslam to win the match.
It looks like the Chokeslam nearly broke Rey’s neck so EMTs show up to stretcher him out of there. Show’s in an unusually good mood tonight though, and he heads back out to snatch Rey by the stretcher and swing him into the Steel Ring Post full force like a kendo stick. That’s not even the worst part, the worst part is Rey falling directly on top of his fucking noggin. Jesus. Settle in, Show’s back to being a big deal again. Match gets a pop just for the stretcher angle, you know I’m all about that shit.
FINE: Troublesome ‘03
White Rapper John Cena gets his first taste of the main event scene tonight as he challenges Brock Lesnar for the WWE title. Yeah, this is John’s first ever WWE Championship match. I’d love to know if anyone back in 2003 seriously expected Cena to win this belt thirteen fucking times over. What’s interesting about this match is that John Cena and Brock Lesnar, two of the greenest guys on the roster just one year before, are now working a fifteen minute world title match on PPV. It speaks to how much Brock has grown so far in his short career that, aside from a couple blown spots, the match holds together fairly well. It’s not great, I wouldn’t even say it’s good, but credit where it’s due. Cena does a Big Match John Freestyle (WWE Championship Edition) to hype himself up for his inevitable defeat:
Yo, the list of legends that held the title now include me, bro
I be a better champion than Bruno Sammartino
This is Thuganomics, I got opponents home in crutches
I’m Iron like the Sheik, I got you in my Camel Clutches
I lost my mind like Mankind, pulling socks from his ass crack
I’m straight, you’re Dude Love, so get off the Cactus, Jack
I take your varsity letters and medals, I leave you mangled and hurt
I’m attacking from all Angles, you be calling me Kurt
And I’m wearing this Yankees jersey cause Massachusetts makes me sick
You don’t like what I’m saying? Well you can suck my…
Oh yeah, we’re in Massachusetts tonight, forgot to mention that. Cena actually gets a pretty good ovation later in the match, this was before he became the New York Yankees. Lesnar starts the match in his 2002 Beast Mode but Cena gets the upper hand after reopening Brock’s head wound at ringside. Though Cena is still ungodly bad at working on top as a heel (he keeps Brock in a resthold for two whole minutes), Brock does a great job selling for him. It’s not just that Brock is a great sell, it’s also that he legit looks like he’s about to die anytime he blades. Cena gets frustrated and goes for the dreaded Chain Punch but the ref puts a stop to it, allowing Brock to land F5 and retain. This match was little more than the answer to a trivia question, but hey, props for the effort.
BOTCH: We Need to Talk About Kevin
In Raw news, the heel super team of Triple H, Ric Flair, Chris Jericho and his Harley Race stache take on Shawn Michaels, Booker T and Trips’ newest challenger for the next few months, the returning Kevin Nash. Would you believe me if I told you this is the longest match on the card. Shawn and Jericho are still feuding, I guess, and Book’s main event push died a quick death at Mania so here he is spinning his wheels until Raw decides to bring the IC title back. Hunter’s mad at Big Kev for siding with HBK instead of joining his side; it’s a gripping story, really. I honestly can’t believe someone in charge said “hey how about we build Raw around a Triple H/Kevin Nash world title program from now until the end of June” and nobody in that room came up with something better.
For whatever reason, Booker comes out to his dubbed theme on the Network upload. It’s somehow worse than the TNA knockoff. The work here isn’t bad, there’s a lot of talented guys in this match (and Nash, who does fuck all), but my GOD does it ever drag to that 17 minute mark. The heels work Shawn over until Nash gets tagged in and does his big staredown with Triple H. Everybody fights for a very long time until Nash delivers one of the most sluggish ref bumps wrestling’s ever seen. With the ref down, Hunter grabs the sledgehammer, decks Big Sexy in the face and pins him. He pins Kevin Nash. To set up his title match with Kevin Nash. I know I say this every single time I review a Triple H match but for the love of god how does this get any worse.
POP: Bye Rocky Bye
And so, we bid farewell to Hollywood Rock, as Dwayne leaves us once again to go and be the biggest star in the history of the world. But before he goes, he’ll do Raw a solid and put over WWE’s newest acquisition: Goldberg. We’re all used to seeing Bill nowadays, but back in 2003, this was big. One of WCW last remaining superstars (in the proper sense of the word) making his return to pro wrestling after a two year absence. I’ve never been a huge fan of Goldberg but he’s objectively one of WCW’s greatest achievements. Bill was limited, but he was a hell of an athlete with a ton of presence. WCW knew exactly how to underline his strengths, how to hide his weaknesses, and most importantly, how to make his push something new and different. And then they fucked it up, but you know how it goes.
If you have three minutes to spare, do yourself a favor and check out Rock’s interview segment right before the main event. He makes random goblin noises while calling Terri Runnels “ol’ lemon panties—giggle panties”. It’s the most batshit goofy Rock promo I’ve heard in my entire life, think about the ground that covers. Rock is in full clown mode tonight, puffing his chest up and screaming “YOU ARE IN TROUBLE NOW!” after Bill bounces his ass across the ring. Heel Rock is one of a kind, nobody’s ever done it quite like him. Goldberg gets a very mixed reaction, but come on, how do you expect people to boo Rock at this stage? He’s the most entertaining guy in the world.
They don’t put on a Certified WWE Classic or anything, but it’s a very fun main event. Rocky carries the whole thing by just being himself and Goldberg pulls through with a 13 minute performance, pretty good by his standards. We see the Spear, the Sharpshooter, Rock Bottoms, People’s Elbow, the works. Goldberg winds up hitting two huge Spears in a row and then drills Rock with the Jackhammer to finally send him packing. It’s a shame to see Rocky go so soon after becoming the best thing in the company, but the truth is, he was too good for us. As for Goldberg… let’s just say it’s not gonna get any better than this. Not until 2016, anyways.
And that’s our show! Join us next time for SmackDown, featuring:
- New Tag Champions Los Guerreros vs. Matt Hardy & Shannon Moore
- Team Angle vs. two dudes
- Chris Benoit vs. Johnny Stamboli
- Nidia & Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson & Sable
- …And the debut of Mr. America. Not the strongest lineup, to be honest with you.
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
