Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Big Show fell on his ass, Eddie Guerrero vs. Jamie Noble and Matt Hardy vs. Brian Kendrick went 3 minutes each, Jimmy Snuka returned to get even with Roddy Piper, Sable wore a referee outfit for a few minutes, Nathan Jones got sent packing and John Cena defeated Chris Benoit to secure his shot at the WWE Championship. You can watch this week’s episode on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. We’re just days away from Backlash, daddy! Next Big Thing!
BOTCH: Worst Rollup Yet
We start off with Number 1 Contender White Rapper John Cena, who battles Rhyno in the opener. Man, Cena’s been tearing through SmackDown’s upper midcard lately, hasn’t he? Eddie, Taker, Benoit, now Rhyno. Once he beats Mysterio, he’ll level up to Big Match John. Before the match, Cena cuts a good spirited promo on Brock and promises to reveal never before seen footage to expose how evil Brock Lesnar really is. We’ve already seen Brock harass his boss and threaten a pregnant woman on these shows, John. I know WWE only counts the last four months of programming as canon but Brock’s been The Devil’s Envoy for about 70% of his career so far, you couldn’t have picked an easier target.
Anyways, Cena and Rhyno have a passable match to open the show. Not much to note here aside from this diving leg drop from Bret’s rope, which I’ve never seen Cena do before. Well, there is ONE thing to note… Cena avoids the Gore in the corner and reverses a powerslam attempt into a rollup for the win. And by “a rollup”, I mean the absolute worst excuse for a pinfall you’ll see this lifetime. This is the Hindenburg of rollups. This makes a distraction schoolboy finish look like Shawn/Flair.
This show was taped. And I know I praised Cena beating Benoit by the skin of his teeth last week (because it ruled), but this guy is wrestling Brock Lesnar for the WWE title in three days. You’re telling me he couldn’t get a decisive win over Rhyno? I can excuse him looking like a dope and beating the Undertaker via FBI bullshit, but he needs to survive Rhyno???
FINE: Fear the Flunkies
The FBI continue to write main event checks their prelim asses can’t cash, and their target this week is Chris Benoit. See, the guidos had a bet that Benoit would beat Cena in the tournament finals last week, and he lost. So now they want Benoit to pay them back. That’s actually pretty funny. Hell, the FBI’s whole brainless mobster dialect is funny, I’ll give them that. Benoit tells Nunzio to meet him in the ring, because I’m fairly sure the only thing Chris Benoit ever learned how to do was wrestle.
So we get Nunzio vs. Benoit, which sounds better than it ends up being. Palumbo and Stamboli (still pronounced “Stromboli” by Tazz) attack Benoit before the bell, allowing little Nunzio to work on top for most of the match. Tazz does a “The FBI know people and I know people that know their people and they’re bad people” bit on commentary and it goes on for like 40 seconds. Benoit’s eventually able to neutralize the Italians and reverses Arrivederci into the Crossface without even taking his shirt off. Great finish, but again, very little else to note. The goombahs attack Benoit after the match to keep their heat, as always. These guys have been on SmackDown since February and still have a win rate of 0%.
FINE: Crash and Substance
Rey Mysterio will face The World’s Largest Athlete™ this Sunday at Backlash, but tonight he pulls Mattitude duty. Don’t get excited though, he’s not getting his Mania rematch against Matt yet. And he’s not wrestling Shannon either… No, tonight marks the SmackDown return of the newest Mattitude Follower: Crash! We haven’t seen Little Elroy since February, when he took a loss to Nunzio (yes, Nunzio has won matches on SmackDown before). Crash technically isn’t an MF’er, though, he’s an MF’er in training, AKA a “Moore-on”. Hardy har har. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT ONLY USES LOWFAT SALAD DRESSINGS” and… that’s all we get this episode. Shame, these Matt Facts are the best part of my week.
Rey and the Moore-on have another match that’s just kinda there. Not bad, but meh. I loved Crash’s work in the hardcore division but he’s no Jamie Noble. Matt sits in on commentary but doesn’t say anything, which is also a shame, Matt’s speaking voice cracks me up. As you can probably tell, the Hardy/Mysterio program will continue once Rey’s dumb feud with Show is done with. Shannon interferes pretty much the whole way through but Rey still drops da dime on Crash to pick up the win. You can put a V1 shirt on Crash Holly but you can’t force him to win a match.
BOTCH: Pipe Down
Rikishi meets The Devil’s Advocate Sean O’Haire at Backlash, but first he must go through 49-year-old Rowdy Roddy. How will he manage? Piper low blows Rikishi mere seconds into the match and Kishi’s puka shell necklace explodes all over the canvas on his first bump. That’s literally all I have to say about this match. Rikishi dominates Piper for a wee bit before O’Haire interferes for the DQ, and Sean leaves Kish laid out with his finisher, which doesn’t have a name yet. It’s like a Death Valley Driver that goes the wrong way, it looks alright. You just GOTTA buy Backlash on PPV to see these two titans clash though, don’t you? Don’t you?!
???: Hardbody
SmackDown’s newest vixen Sable has a very special Sable Invitational Body Challenge prepared for tonight. Yes, we’re back to the tried and true SmackDown bikini contests of 2002, except at least those episodes had the decency to give me an Angle/Benoit match to balance it out. Impact’s own Josh Mathews interviews Sable earlier in the show, so Sable does what she does best: harassing SmackDown employees. Sable goes on and on about her “voluptuous breasts (that [she] can feel every day)”, “nice, tight abs”, “luscious curves” and a “Sable-icious butt”. And then she says “stay tuned!” and leaves. Some say Josh Mathews is still standing in that spot stiffer than petrified wood to this day.
Sable heads to the ring mid-way through the show and explains that, being the hottest woman on SmackDown (and also the world), she wants to get a look at her competition, so she’s invited all the other SmackDown women to strut their stuff. Apparently Torrie didn’t want to take part, so Sable says she’s gotten fat. Take a wild fucking guess how long this whole Body Challenge thing goes. If you guessed “under ten minutes”, you’re clearly not familiar with this column. Nidia and Dawn Marie show up to take part (here’s Nidia checking Dawn out) and Torrie appears at the last minute to throw her hat in the ring. Nidia dances like Elaine Benes, Dawn shows off her ass and Torrie grinds on Sable. Sable awards every woman not named “Torrie Wilson” the victory, and the other contestants attack Torrie afterwards. This was a 2003 WWE women’s segment, alright.
SLIGHT POP: Every Trick in the Book
In a preview of the tag title bout this Sunday, Chavo Guerrero goes one-on-one with Shelton Benjamin and we finally get a good match this episode. Chavo and Shelton wrestle with some fire here; the Backlash match might have less than two weeks of build but Team Angle beat Los Guerreros for the straps back in February so there’s still some bad blood remaining. It’s another short but solid TV match, these two work well together. Shelton in particular is a machine in these singles matches, everything he does looks so damn clean. Of course Charlie and Eddie get involved, and with the referee distracted Charlie kicks Chavo in the head during an O’Connor roll, which allows Shelton to roll Chavo up AND hold the tights AND grab onto the ropes for three. Shelton ran through the entire heel wrestling strategy guide with that one.
FINE: Do I Amuse You?
Backstage, Tajiri and Funaki rewatch Show’s hilarious tumble from last week and have a good belly laugh over it. Show doesn’t see the humor in it. So we get Show vs. Tajiri. Rey’s watching this match from backstage, so expect some shenanigans. Show beats the hell out of Tajiri until Rey’s entrance plays in the arena (that didn’t take long) but Rey’s nowhere to be seen. Show shuts down Tajiri’s attempted comeback and Rey finally rears his head, so Show chases him around the ring. Rey disappears behind the steps and reappears to bonk Show into the Steel Ring Post (not a DQ, somehow), knocking him on his ass yet again. While all of this is going on, the referee counts Show out. I’m not sure why Rey insists on pissing Big Show off but I get the feeling he might not make it past Sunday…
???: American Woman
Stephanie McMahon welcomes us to her office with a shot of her ass bending over her desk. What the fuck is going on this episode, man. She says she may not be Torrie Wilson, but she’s still an all-American girl, and she’s proud to sign a real American hero to SmackDown. Mr. America will debut next week. I still don’t know how to move on from Stephanie McMahon’s tush, the hell was that about.
LITERAL BOTCH: Derailer
Brock Lesnar battles A-Train in our main event, which relates directly to John Cena’s gruesome, never before seen footage of Brock Lesnar committing vile acts. Backstage, Cena rallies A-Train to kick Lesnar’s ass and shows him (and us) this clip of Brock almost killing poor Matt Bloom on the job. If you don’t recall this happening even though you know you should, it’s because this took place during the first Brock vs. Train match in January but was edited out of the original broadcast. I already knew about the botch before watching that match, I just assumed it would happen on a different Brock/Train match down the line. So you can imagine how confused I was when Cena showed us this clip, I thought I was losing my mind for a second. Cena shows up before the main to do commentary, and John’s freestyle tonight is as follows:
Brock, talking to you is like talking to cavemen
I’d be better off drawing little sticks in the sand
You’re soft, Brock. You Bengay like ointment
Yeah, you hold the title, world’s biggest disappointment
With a knife and a dictionary, you still couldn’t cut a promo right
I’m a New Big Thing dude, you ain’t even a Prototype
I told you payback’s coming, so get ready to tape and tuck
You careless? Well I’m fearless, and I just don’t give a…
Cena’s commentary is funny as always, doubly so because he can’t seem to form a coherent thought when he has the headset on. On the mic he’s good but on the desk he’s a complete mess.
I enjoyed Brock/Train in their last go round (I thought it was a fun three-minute hossfest) but this one’s sadly not an improvement. It goes ten minutes, a little longer than I’d like, and Cena’s presence at ringside is a constant distraction from a match that isn’t too exciting to begin with. Crowd’s hot for Brock, at least. They do some nice suplexes, Brock successfully lands an F5 without murdering Train and Cena immediately runs in for the DQ. Cena uses the trusted Chain Punch to bust Brock open and debuts the kneeling FU on the Champ before laying him out with the belt. And look, SmackDown has done a great job turning John into a credible upper midcarder recently but there is ZERO chance this dude beats Brock Lesnar. Come on now. I buy Rey Mysterio beating Brock more than Cena. Rhyno’s got better odds at this point.
I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this, but SmackDown’s been bad lately. It’s not awful (nowhere near a three-hour Raw) but the post-Mania malaise has definitely set in. There’s been a couple good matches these past few weeks but the overwhelming majority are either too short to amount to anything, too bland to note, or hindered by the post-Mania programs, which… suck. They suck. O’Haire’s debut angle sucks, Show falling on his ass sucks, the FBI’s rampage sucks and Sable’s Softcore Lesbian Extravaganza sucks. And the Backlash matches that should be interesting like Guerreros/Team Angle, Show/Mysterio or even Brock/Cena have had such weak builds on SmackDown that there’s barely anything to chew on. It’s bad, and it’s made even worse because SmackDown’s roster is still insanely good at this point. There’s no reason for this show to be this lame.
And that’s our show! Join us next time for WrestleMania Backlash (kidding), featuring:
- Sean O’Haire vs. Rikishi
- Big Show vs. Rey Mysterio
- Jazz vs. Trish Stratus, Women’s Championship
- The Dudley Boyz vs. Kane & Rob Van Dam, World Tag Team Championships
- Los Guerreros vs. Team Angle, WWE Tag Team Championships
- Shawn Michaels, Booker T & Kevin Nash vs. Triple H, Ric Flair & Chris Jericho (sounds rough!)
- John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar, WWE Championship
- …And The Rock vs. Goldberg. Yes, Goldberg.
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
