Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, John Cena beat Rikishi and immediately started harassing the tag champions, Billy Kidman broke his Guerrero curse, Bill DeMott grew some balls and beat Chuck Palumbo, Team Angle got a win (they did, shut up), Al Wilson and Dawn Marie skinny dipped down the aisle and Brock Lesnar fucked Matt Hardy’s shit up. You can watch this week’s episode here. Ten more days until the Royal Rumble! Next Big Thing!
SLIGHT POP: You Need A Big Foot to Kick A Big Ass
Fresh off his feud with Cena, Rikishi opens the show tonight against the Big Show and his spit. Those with unusually good memory may remember that Big Show debuted on SmackDown by attacking Rikishi. Therefore, this marks the second time Rikishi has been used as a warm-up for Show vs. Lesnar. Brock himself has a match against A-Train later tonight, so I guess the logic here is to use the two least important big men as proxies. Yeah, consistency!
Just like their first encounter, Show whips Rikishi’s ass. SmackDown’s biggest mystery is how Show is able to beat Rikishi like a drum yet can’t seem to defeat guys half his size without four run-ins and eight chairshots. Rikishi does the Billy Gunn sell off a clothesline (classic) before promptly falling to the Chokeslam. Props to ‘Kishi for making Big Show look dominant, at least until you realize Show is 100% about to lose to an F5 in under ten minutes.
POP, I GUESS?: Political Hip Hop
Last week, John Cena called his shot for the WWE Tag Team Championships by attacking Eddie Guerrero and rapping about Mexicans. The ethnic tension continues tonight with another freestyle, which I won’t transcribe, but it includes references to El Niño, jalapeños, enchiladas, chihuahuas, salsa, Menudo, illegal immigration and Taco Bell. “I don’t think John Cena’s gonna have to run for political office anytime soon!”, says Cole. “…I don’t get it”, says Tazz.
Cena takes on Chavo tonight while Eddie absolutely seethes from ringside. You can trust Chavo to have a good match with most guys, so it’s perfectly solid. Tucson hates Cena so much that they actually chant for Chavo, which might be a first! Eddie and B² get ejected after a scrimmage at ringside, leaving Chavo to take care of John on his own. He gets quite a few nearfalls but flies too close to the ropes, allowing John to use them for leverage while reversing a sunset flip for the win. You may not believe this, but John Cena hasn’t beaten a single opponent with an actual wrestling move so far. Yes, John Cena.
Eddie pulls B² duty later in the night, and the Guerreros jump Cena on the ramp before he starts rapping about the Alamo or something. While the bigger Buchanan beats on Berrero, Cena waits at ringside for the first chance to strike. Chavo stops John from interfering and nails him with the patented Guerrero Belt Shot ™, leaving Eddie open to hit a Tanahashi-esque Frog Splash to the small of the back for the victory. Go Ace!
POP: Inciting Incident
Matt Hardy somehow survived his encounter with the Pale Death last week, so he goes up against Billy Kidman. Poor Billy hasn’t wrestled any Cruiserweights in like a month, meaning he’s gotta keep himself occupied with random midcarders. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT HAS A HEATED TOILET SEAT” and “MATT LIKES PULP IN HIS ORANGE JUICE”. I’m with Matt on this one, pulp rules. This is a non-title matchup, since Matt isn’t a Cruiserweight. Obviously. Let’s not be ridiculous here.
It’s a pretty fun match, as you’d expect from these two. Kidman’s very over, and why wouldn’t he be, he’s out here hitting Shooting Star planchas on free TV. I believe this is the debut of Matt’s Side Effect, too! Or maybe he already did it on Velocity, I really wouldn’t know. Shannon Moore keeps getting involved, so Billy bumps Matt into him and O’Connor rolls Hardy for the win. Matt teases beating up his little MF’er for his mistake, but he opts to forgive Shannon instead. Well, what do you know, Matt Hardy just lost to a Cruiserweight. Interesting. Very interesting, indeed…
???: Relapse
MF’er Shannon Moore returns later in the night for a match against… fucking hell, Bill DeMott again. I thought we’d gotten over Bill’s Cruiserweight addiction, but I guess beating Shannon Moore’s just too tempting to pass up. Matt sits in on commentary while DeMott kicks Moore’s ass. “Matt Fact: Michael Cole is biased” – Matt. Oh, and another great quote:
Cole: I always knew you were an MF’er!
Tazz: Thank you. You’re an F’er.
Shannon gets a crumb of offense, but Bill beats him in short order with a Doctor Bomb. Cool finisher, Bill! We’re all proud of you. Speaking of proud, Matt gets into the ring to lure Shannon into a false sense of security and RKO his ass. It’s not a Twist of Fate, it’s straight up an RKO. Matt hears voices in his head, they council him, they understand…
SLIGHT POP: No Mercy Revisited
Look who it is! Column favorite Tajiri returns home, as he’d been on the shelf with an ankle injury. His first opponent back is former weird friend turned blood rival, Jamie Noble. Jamie doesn’t have Nunzio with him tonight, which either means Nunzio couldn’t make it OR they abandoned the “Nunzio helps Jamie get wins” story before he helped Jamie get a single win. I’m hoping for the second one. Jamie and Tajiri are good, so they have a tight little Cruiserweight match here. Jamie works the arm and uses it to get a cool transition into his rare submission finisher, the Trailer Hitch. After about five minutes, Tajiri superkicks Noble out of the sky and follows up with a Buzzsaw kick for the W. Should’ve kept Nunzio around, man. And hey, a good Jamie Noble match that doesn’t get ruined by a shit finish! Must be my lucky day.
???: Boggo Road Bloke
Nathan Jones is out of prison, and the former powerlifting champion and Australia’s Most Wanted is coming to SmackDown. Don’t get your hopes up about this guy, but do take a second to appreciate the Boggo Road vignettes, easily some of the best WWE’s ever produced. They make Jones look legit terrifying, although I suppose that’s not too hard when you’re a 6’10, 155kg outback jack.
POP: Task Force A
Team Angle totally got their first tag win against Edge and Benoit last week, now they test their mettle one-on-one. Edge vs. Charlie Haas is up first, and Benoit enters immediately after the bell to accompany Edge at ringside. Full entrance, with the music and everything. Could’ve just walked out with Edge during his entrance, but fine, let’s not be picky. Edge/Haas is just okay, though we do get some nice suplexes from the boys. The highlight is amateur prodigy Charlie Haas going to the top rope and landing the flying nothing. While the other three fight at ringside, Edge gets Irish whipped into a crutch shot from Angle and walks right into an exploder suplex for the fall. Again, nothing special, but Charlie reacts like he just pinned the Undertaker at Mania, which is pretty adorable.
Benoit grabs the mic, threatens Angle ahead of the Rumble and challenges Shelton, leading to our second singles. The rest get ejected from ringside, so it’s just Benoit and Benjamin. If that sounds good, it’s because it is. Shelton gets some serious shine here, pulling out some great offense and keeping up with Benoit step by step. He gets caught in the Crossface, though, and Angle returns to smash Benoit with the crutch for the DQ. This also brings out Charlie and Edge, and The Damn Numbers Game ends up being too much for the challenger. Will Benoit tap at the Rumble? Will Team Angle stand tall?! Will Edge be the least bit useful?!?!
POP: Brock Just Suplexed a Train
In our main event, Brock Lesnar takes on the only other guy bigger than him, A-Train. This graph reminds me, Train is a former Intercontinental Champion! No for real, it’s true, that really happened. A-Train meets up with Show and Heyman and asks them not to interfere until after he beats Lesnar. He even gets in Show’s face about it, and it’s honestly kinda great. A twenty-second backstage segment just made A-Train look ten times more badass than a whole feud with Edge. By the way, the Edge/A-Train feud is officially over; I guess Train’s interference in that tag title match two weeks ago was supposed to be the blowoff. Fine by me.
A-Train vs. Lesnar is sneaky dope, two guys way too fast for their size trading bombs for three minutes. Lesnar’s dealing with a concussion after getting his skull opened last week but, as established, he’s superhuman, so he throws A-Train around like it’s nothing. Brock lands an F5 on Train after a round of suplexes and tells Show to meet him in the ring. Show and Heyman hear this, but they opt instead to leave the building while Brock stands there with his dick in his hand. For if Brock Lesnar wishes to defeat his adversaries, he must first master the art of patience. Or he can just pick them up and throw them at the ground, either works.
BOTCH: Death Do Us Part
As promised, Dawn Marie sends some live tapes of her honeymoon with Al Wilson all the way from Hawaii. “Hawaii” means “some hotel two blocks away from the arena”. But first, we go live to Torrie Wilson for comments. She’s disgusted. Thank you, Torrie. I guess it’s a good time to mention we’re getting Torrie vs. Dawn at the Rumble in the first ever Stepmother vs. Stepdaughter match. I’m gonna take a deep breath and not complain about this, because at least it means this goddamn feud will be over. Inshallah.
Anyways, Al and Dawn have a lot of sex. A lot of sex. So much so that Al stops moving.
Ladies and gentlemen, Al Wilson has officially died from having too much sex. Let me repeat that: Al Wilson just died via snu-snu.
I told you shit was gonna get dark.
And that’s… our show…? Join us next time for the Royal Rumble go-home, as we celebrate the Life and Times of the late Al Wilson, Los Guerreros defend the tag titles vs. Cena and B², Big Show and the A-Train join forces against Brock Lesnar and a mystery opponent, and Edge and Benoit face all of Team Angle in a 3-on-2 Handicap match. Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
