Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Big Show and Brock Lesnar wrestled warm-ups, John Cena and B² went singles with the tag champions, Matt Hardy lost to a Cruiserweight and took it quite poorly, Tajiri returned to action, Team Angle stood tall, and Al Wilson died via sex. It was a dark day for pro-wrestling. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re just days away from the Royal Rumble, daddy! Next Big Thing!
BOTCH: In Memori-Al
Last week, the world of professional wrestling lost one of its greatest pillars. Al Wilson, beloved father of Torrie Wilson, passed away in his sleep after coitus de trop. This whole thing is noticeably less funny now that the real-life Al Wilson has passed on, but trust me, it wasn’t all that funny at the time, either. We begin with some choice words from Dawn Marie Wilson, who says Al loved nothing more than public attention. That should explain why his wedding, honeymoon and DEATH were all broadcasted on free TV. We will also be seeing Al’s funeral on SmackDown tonight, y’know, to keep the spirit alive. This will surely be very tasteful.
Dawn appears wearing what you’d expect her to wear at her own husband’s funeral and grieves. It’s, uh… not what I’d call “fun”. Torrie eventually shows up to mourn and Dawn, known bitch, decides it’s a good time to pick a fight. She tells Torrie that her disapproval was the cause of Al’s death, and not the copious amounts of sex. Then she slaps Torrie in the face. They get into a fight, knock the casket over and Dawn smashes a lamp upside Torrie’s head. Things are heating up in the Dead Father division. This feud ends this Sunday, or so help me god…
SLIGHT POP: B-Gone
We open the show proper with the tag title bout, as Los Guerreros defend against John Cena and B². This match was most likely scheduled for the PPV, but I guess they had to make room for whatever the hell Raw’s doing. Still, the Guerrero/Cena feud has gotten a pretty tight build these past few weeks, and I’m a sucker for TV-only title programs. I believe this is John Cena’s first championship match in WWE, and he drops a fiery (if worriying) freestyle:
Yo, since when did the Meadowlands become a place for Mexicans?
Go back to Home Depot, become one of their hired hands
I got plans to take away your gold waist bands
Your fate is sorry, like New York Giants fans!
My alliance spans mad thick, untouchable clique
Livin’ la vida loca, but my name ain’t Rick… Martin!
I’ll keep you starving like concentration camps
Go back to freeways and selling oranges on off-ramps
The new champs, untouchable clique, Elliot Ness!
What are you gon’ do when I put a whole in ya chest?!
Eddie and Chavo? Y’all are worn out like Mark Bavaro
I used to love Lucy and hated Ricky Ricardo!
I got your number kid, so what you gonna do?
The rap is over, give it to B-2…
BULL: Booyah!
You sure about that “concentration camp” line, pal? When did John Cena start browsing Stormfront? Anyways, the match isn’t really noteworthy, but it’s a decent defense for the Guerreros. The champs use some of their old heel tricks to get the advantage early on, and the challengers keep up with some cheating of their own. Cena slows the match down with a headlock, so Eddie… tags out with his foot. That’s not legal. C’mon, it’s not legal, is it? Tazz SAYS it’s legal, but I’m pretty sure it’s not! Chavo gets caught by the challengers so Eddie lands a stacked Pescado to get him out of trouble. B² and Chavo slide back in, and Chavo lands his own strange little Frog Splash for the win in just over five minutes. Pay attention to the post-match, though!
Cena gets in B²’s face about the loss and Bull fights back, leading to a run-in from Cena’s new “dawg”. This is Rodney Mack, currently known as “Redd Dogg”. If you don’t remember Rodney, much less him teaming with John Cena, it’s because he’s going to Raw soon. And I mean SOON, like, in a couple of weeks. On Raw, he’ll become famous for dropping Al Snow on his neck, joining Teddy Long’s “Thuggin’ And Buggin’ Enterprises”, marrying Women’s Champion Jazz, and getting released. No, I did not make this dude up just now. A couple questions: Did Cena plan this out? Was he expecting to lose the titles so he could kick B²’s ass, or was he gonna pull a Dean Ambrose and do it AFTER winning the belts? Did we seriously split up Cena and B² only to partner Cena up with a slightly different big dude?
BOTCH: Bill and the Giant Peach
Rikishi’s back in action, and SmackDown’s most lovable loser faces off against… Bill DeMott? Hey, Billy’s stepping up! First Cruiserweights, then jobbers, and now Rikishi, the guy who loses to the actual big names. DeMott’s gonna be pinning Kurt Angle any day now. Bill loudly announces that he is, in fact, NOT a bully, as demonstrated by his forthcoming victory over the ‘Kish. “Rikishi, if I were you… I’d back that ass UP!”. I believe he was gonna do that anyways, but good advice nonetheless.
DeMott’s not used to wrestling guys that fight back, so ‘Kishi catches him off-guard and gets the advantage early. Rest assured, Bill’s offense is very, very boring, but the finish is somewhat creative. DeMott whips Rikishi into the corner and ‘Kishi somehow knocks him out on the rebound. With Bill down, ‘Kishi climbs the ropes for the Rump Shaker, but DeMott gets back up and turns it into a powerbomb (holding the tights, allegedly) for the victory. This Bill DeMott experiment sure is going somewhere.
POP, I GUESS?: Goom-bah Humbug!
Contrary to my initial assessment, the Nunzio/Jamie Noble story is still going strong. Jamie fell to his former tag partner Tajiri last week, now Nunzio looks for revenge against the Buzzsaw. Tazz calls Nunzio a “goombah”, which is a term used for describing gangsters and/or brown enemy mushrooms. Nunzio targets Tajiri’s arm to set up his weird finisher, and Tajiri fights back with his usual cool offense.
The ECW alumni have another neat Cruiserweight bout, with Nunzio’s cohorts causing interference. Nidia tries to lure the Buzzsaw into a passionate kiss and gets misted at point-blank range. Why someone would try and kiss the guy that spews toxic waste from his glands is beyond me, but to each their own. Nunzio takes the opening to land his springboard armbreaker (now called “Arrivederci”) for the win. As for Nidia, she’ll probably be fine. Blind, but fine.
POP: Lesnar’s Little Helper
As a teaser for this Sunday, Big Show tags with A-Train to battle Brock and a partner to be named. Cole notes, “Brock Lesnar’s a loner, who the hell’s gonna team with Lesnar?!” and for once, he’s right! Brock turned on one-time tag partner Tajiri and killed former crony Matt Hardy. Shelton Benjamin’s currently working for Angle, and Brock’s best friend Funaki is already booked. Who else is there? Surely no one could— wait hold on, WHO’S THAT JUMPING OUT THE SKY?! Hell yeah, Rey-Rey’s back! Sooner than anticipated, too, so this is a nice surprise. Don’t forget, A-Train injured Rey’s knee over a month ago, and the little guy’s looking for revenge.
Rey and the incomparable Mr. Lesner make short work of the heels here. Brock F5s Train immediately, allowing Mysterio to hit 619 and get the win in under a minute. Can Lesnar overcome the Big Show this Sunday? And once he does that, can he go on to win the Rumble and challenge Kurt Angle? And once he does THAT, can he leave WWE for eight years, go to New Japan and keep the IWGP title hostage? And once he does THAT, can he go to the UFC and become Heavyweight champion and defend the belt twice before losing to Cain Velazquez? And once he does THAT, can he—
SLIGHT POP: Announcer Abuse
Matt Hardy’s somewhat on edge after losing to Billy Kidman last week, so he picks a fight with Funaki. Why would you pick a fight with Funaki, of all people? He’s literally just sitting backstage vibing all day. Matt still has Shannon by his side, but SmackDown’s Number 1 Announcer (INDEED!) brings the Cruiserweight Champ for backup. Our Matt Fact for the day? “MATT WAS IN THE ACADEMICALLY GIFTED CLASS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL”. Mattematics, baby, Mattematics. Funaki shows a lot of fire against Hardy, for hell hath no fury like an announcer scorned. Speaking of announcers, these Matt Hardy matches always bring out the best of Cole and Tazz:
Cole: Matt Hardy calls himself a role model, Tazz, says that parents and teachers look up to him. Give me a break!
Tazz: I look up to Matt Hardy. He’s taller than me.
Matt and Kung Fu have a fun little back and forth, Matt’s honestly one of the most entertaining guys on the show. Funaki trips Matt to send him out of the ring, but their aim is a little off so Matt just dives nose-first into the bottom rope. While Moore and Billy get into a fight on the apron, Matt pushes Funaki into his MF’er and hits Twist of Fate for the win. Shannon celebrates the win a little too much for Matt’s liking, so Hardy smacks him in the face. Good job Shannon, don’t let it get to your head.
???: Nathan Jones is Really, Really Scary
Nathan Jones is on his way, and everything I mentioned last week still applies. Good vignette, don’t get too excited. G’day!
POP: Numbers Game
We get some one-on-one time with WWE Championship challenger Chris Benoit and his cool WWE-brand jacket. Unfortunately, this is far and away the most uncomfortable a Benoit segment has made me so far. Benoit talks about his family, and all the sacrifices they’ve made to get him where he is. You’ll forgive me if I don’t have anything to add, so let’s just move on. Benoit and Edge vs. Team Angle, 2-on-3 handicap match. Angle’s still walking around in a crutch, but he’s back in shape, moving like an animal. We get a great Handicap match here, with Angle wrestling like the biggest asshole you’ve ever seen. He tags in when Benoit’s not legal and hauls ass once Benoit tags in. I realize that doesn’t sound like much, but the execution here is flawless. Pure heel tag team misdirection, with an extra handicap just to add a little spice.
Team Angle beat on Edge like a revolving door for a LONG while until Benoit finally gets the hot tag. Once he does, he suplexes the shit out of Haas and Benjamin and beautifully counters a fireman’s carry into the Crossface. Angle runs in with the title in hand but Benoit sees him coming, so he traps him in the Crossface instead. With Benoit refusing to let go of Angle (not the legal man), referee Mike Chioda calls for the DQ. It’s an unusual finish, and I’m generally not a fan of DQs, but for the build, this works super well. Benoit literally drags the champ kicking and screaming into the Crossface while Edge takes care of Team Angle, then beats him with his own crutch. Does Chris Benoit have Kurt Angle’s number? Probably not, but man this match is going to rule.
And that’s our show! Join us next time for Royal Rumble, featuring:
- The Dudley Boyz vs. Lance Storm & William Regal, World Tag Team Championships
- Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie Wilson, Stepmother vs. Stepdaughter match (not a casket match)
- Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show, winner enters the Rumble match
- Scott Steiner vs. Triple H, World Heavyweight Championship. Oh jesus god please no
- Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle, WWE Championship
- …And the annual 30-man Royal Rumble match for a world title shot at Wrestlemania XIX
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
