Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. We just got done with Armageddon 2002, where Booker T and Goldust achieved their dreams, A-Train got DQ-ed on PPV, Eddie and Benoit had the audacity to wrestle a great match, Dawn Marie french-kissed Torrie Wilson and made her fiancé extremely uncomfortable, and Kurt Angle became a three-time WWE Champion by way of Brock Lesnar. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re now on The Road to Royal Rumble! Next Big Thing!
A Title Reign Post-Mortem
Last Sunday (or Friday, or whenever I post these things), Big Show successfully transitioned the WWE Championship from Brock Lesnar to Kurt Angle, with only four or five run-ins on the way there. It’s probably the last time Big Show will ever hold the WWE title, unless he randomly challenges Drew McIntyre again. I’d be remiss, however, if I didn’t take a minute to mention just how poor this man’s title run was. After making his last PPV appearance in July, Show was brought on to challenge Brock at Survivor Series. A match that only came about after Hulk Hogan, shockingly, refused to job to Brock Lesnar. Once he defeated Brock for the sole purpose of eventually putting the belt back on him (we’ll get there), Show proceeded to get his big ass handed to him for a whole month. His weekly highlights include:
- A no-contest with Edge, after Brock showed up to kick his ass
- A no-contest with Fabulous Moolah, after Brock showed up to kick his ass
- Not being booked
- Tagging with A-Train
- A loss to Kurt Angle, after Brock showed up to kick his ass
He was unable to main event either PPV and (despite being literally the size of a fucking statue) required constant interference to win his matches, most of which he lost. Compare and contrast with, say, his first WWF Championship run. Admittedly, that one lasted 50 days and not 28, but my man still defended that thing ELEVEN TIMES. And only one of them was against Bob Holly! It was 1999, and in 1999 you were contractually obligated to book at least three WWF title matches per show, but nonetheless.
Show is, understandably, very upset that Brock showed up to kick his ass and cost him the title, so he threatens Heyman into getting him a rematch with Angle. I’m not one to tell the wrestlers how to do their job, but couldn’t Show have just, I dunno, kept A-Train at ringside during the title match with Angle to make sure no big scary hairless ape ran down to beat him up? What makes him think that’s not gonna happen again?
SLIGHT POP: No Cruiser
Though he may have lost to Chris Benoit at Armageddon, Eddie Guerrero looks for a measure of revenge against Billy Kidman tonight. Revenge for what, I hear you ask? Well, Kidman defeated Chavo to retain the Cruiserweight title two weeks ago, and Chavo says Billy cheated. Billy’s a cheating cheater who cheats. Eddie vs. Kidman is non-title, though; I’m guessing Eddie’s not a Cruiserweight anymore. I mean, he’s got enough beef to open a fucking store at this point. Match is short, but very good. Kidman and Eddie still have fantastic chemistry, and Chavo’s interference allows Eddie to beat Billy without making him look like a huge chump. Eddie wins off the Splash Mountain, too, which is pretty unusual.
That said… they should probably start giving Kidman some wins again soon. This is the second week in a row he’s gotten pinned by Eddie, and he was left off Armageddon altogether. They were doing a pretty good job booking him as a fighting champ this past month, they better keep that up if they expect anyone to take the Cruiserweight belt seriously. But that would require WWE themselves to take the Cruiserweight belt seriously, and I already know how that ends.
POP: Mattitude Massacre
Shut the front door, Matt Hardy Version 1.0 has returned! He shows up with a black eye after allegedly getting mobbed by a group of MF’ers. MF’ers as in “Mattitude Followers”, for those of you paying attention. I’d ask why the Mattitude Followers attacked MATT of all people, but I suppose he’s not the first messiah to get beaten up by his own acolytes. Steph asks Matt if he can still compete tonight against Brock Lesnar (oh god not again) and Matt says, injured or not, he will get his revenge. Matt Hardy – 1 Bad Eye > Brock Lesnar. Mattematics!
Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT HAS WRESTLED IN 44 STATES” and… that’s all. One Matt Fact per working eye, I guess. Matt brings out his trusted MF’er Shannon Moore and announces he’s gone completely blind! But fear not, Shannon will wrestle for him. Not willingly, of course, but who cares, he’s Shannon Moore. Matt throws Shannon in the ring and Brock immediately suplexes his ass back out. And no, Matt does not catch Shannon on the way down. Hardy throws Moore’s corpse into the ring again, and Brock promptly double-rotation-F5s his ass into an early grave.
And another F5 for Matt, why not? Shannon Moore might be dead, but more importantly, Brock is back!
???: The Big Jort
Chuck Palumbo, SmackDown’s buffest jobber, returns to wrestle White Rapper John Cena. John calls the local sports team “queer” and though his rhymes are still pretty impressive, he raps completely off-beat. It’s the first appearance of John’s iconic Jorts of Excellence, and I can’t believe he kept those for 17 years. John and Chuck have a decent match here, John’s certainly improved a lot since August. Chuck heads up top for a crossbody, but Cena rolls through and deadlifts him into an Attitude Adjust—just kidding, he rolls through and pins him with a handful of trunks. I’m not sure how grabbing the trunks helps you in a lateral press, but whatever. Chuck tries to beat Cena up afterwards, but he gets ambushed by B². Funny how the future 16-time world champion can’t even beat the worst heavyweight on the roster without shenanigans.
Rikishi remembers he’s still feuding with Cena, so he comically runs down to beat the heels up as well. If you’re expecting this feud to end in an extremely bloody, career-making dog collar match where Cena finally proves his worth and earns his first big win… you’re a very strange person.
BOTCH: This Segment Goes Ten Minutes
We get a very long recap of the Torrie Wilson/Dawn Marie feud that, god willing, will be over very soon. That, or I’ll be writing about this shit for the next five years. Torrie gets interviewed by Michael Cole, and she admits she’s not ashamed of what she did with Dawn Marie. She’s more ashamed of her dad, the guy that’s about to marry a woman who’s been psychosexually torturing her for the better part of a trimester. Dawn interrupts, because this show hates me. The crowd calls her a slut, and she announces her wedding with Al, LIVE, in just two weeks. No, that’s not the blowoff either.
BOTCH: Kill, Bill, Kill
Crash Holly (wearing an “I Eat Glue” shirt, for some reason) still has his issues with Jamie Noble and Nunzio. Since Crash’s cousin Bob was also on Tough Enough, Cruiserweight Killer Bill DeMott offers himself as Crash’s tag team partner. DeMott beats the living shit out of Jamie and Nunzio with very little effort, gives them zero offense, and pins Jamie without tagging out. And then he beats up Crash. This was Nunzio’s in-ring debut, by the way, so he and Jamie are really coming out of the gate strong. DeMott himself becomes less impressive once you realize he keeps getting in fights with the smallest guys on the roster. Please, put this guy in the ring with Brock and let’s see what the fuck he does then.
SLIGHT POP: Armageddon Continues
Last Sunday, Edge and A-Train wrestled to a DQ, for reasons way beyond me. In an interview with The Cat, Edge says he’s still got a vendetta against Train for what he did to Rey. He also calls himself “the little train that could”, which is probably the exact moment Vince realized this dude wasn’t cut to be a babyface. Train’s got a new theme song, which is essentially just the TNA version of Brock’s theme. I legit have no idea why you’d give Edge and Train a non-finish on PPV just to run the match again on TV, but Armageddon seemed laser-focused on sucking as hard as possible.
Train is pretty good for his size, so he goes Scott Dawson on Edge’s ass and targets the injured knee. They have a perfectly acceptable back and forth before Edge runs the ropes and lands a Spear for the win. I don’t get why Edge uses a running spear after having his leg worked on for the whole match (and the whole feud, really) instead of just winning with the Edgecution, but it’s fine. This was fine! After Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson, I’m glad to see a midcard feud begin and end within the span of three weeks.
POP: Rain Check
BOTCH: “Main Event Scene” Syndrome
We open the show with a promo (goddammit) from our new WWE Champion, Kurt Angle. Kurt’s a face now (getting “respectful” You Suck chants, according to Tazz) but the crowd doesn’t hesitate to “WHAT?” him into oblivion. They should’ve never gave you fuckers a “WHAT” chant. Kurt calls Lesnar down to the ring and throws out the challenge… Angle vs. Lesnar. “The most anticipated match in WWE history”. Slightly hyperbolic, but I can dig it. Brock is so happy with the news that he starts hopping in place from joy. Or maybe he hops when he’s angry? Or sad? Bewildered? Apathetic? He’s feeling something, alright. Angle tells him he’ll get the match anytime, anyplace, anywhere. And if you’ve ever seen a WWE promo, you know Brock wants it right here, tonight, in [INSERT CITY].
Angle very subtly ducks the shit outta that, saying he’s already booked against Chris Benoit, non-title. Remember, every episode of SmackDown comes pre-booked with an Angle vs. Benoit singles match. Kurt tells Brock they’ll do it next week, and the crowd boos for what feels like an hour. Later in the show, Stephanie tells Kurt to set the record straight, so Kurt comes out again. See, if it were up to Kurt, he’d wrestle everybody… but it’s not up to Kurt. No, it’s up to his new manager.
You already know where this is going.
Cahoots. Cahoots, dammit. Heyman and Angle used Brock to get the belt off Show, and it just so happens the scheduled Lesnar/Angle title match will be postponed indefinitely. Big Show walks out, much calmer than I expected. You’d think he’d run in there and hand Angle his own ass, but he just yells at Paul and makes mean faces. Heyman tells Show that they’re still a unit, and that Angle will defend against him next week. Show cannot possibly be this stupid.
Josh Mathews (who seems to have replaced that random SmackDown correspondent whose name I do not know and refuse to look up) asks Brock Lesnar how he feels about all this. He’s not hopping in place from joy, I’ll tell you that. As mentioned, Angle battles Benoit, non-title, in our main event. Tazz and Cole absolutely despise Kurt now, because joining forces with Paul Heyman is morally equal to shooting up an orphanage. This is easily the weirdest Benoit/Angle match yet. Angle’s not just a heel anymore, he’s a heel champ, and the only way WWE knows how to book a heel champ is by having them suck. All the sudden, Angle gets beat up for 90% of the match, and only gets back in control via cheating. He’s KURT ANGLE guys, not 90s Ric Flair.
Heyman also gets involved, cause fuck it, might as well make every heel champ wrestle the exact same match. Despite this, it’s still Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit, so the usual good stuff absolutely shines through here. In the second half of the match, they go back to what brought them: suplexes, submission reversals, all that. Now, obviously, I don’t want these guys to have the exact same match every time. In theory, I’m fine with Angle implementing some heel tactics to spice things up, it’s just not that well distributed. Show runs down for the DQ and Lesnar follows after him, only to get beaten down.
Man, remember a couple months ago, when I could just count on SmackDown to be good? What happened to those days? I’ll tell you what happened. The fact of the matter is, SmackDown was never perfect. SmackDown’s main event scene, despite some bright spots, was always messy and overbooked. SmackDown’s smaller stories, despite the talent, were always dumb and inconsequential. What made SmackDown good, what made SmackDown outstanding, was that it had perhaps the greatest midcard scene in WWE history. Beyond Taker/Lesnar or Torrie/Dawn, SmackDown had the ability to book the best wrestlers in the world in great feuds and just let them work. The only thing that’s changed is that said midcard workers are now in the main event. And that doesn’t make the main event scene better, it just makes those great midcarders worse.
And that’s our show! Join us next time for the final SmackDown of 2002 as Bill DeMott beats another Cruiserweight up, Matt Hardy challenges Brock Lesnar, Los Guerreros defend the tag titles, Paul Heyman brings in some backup, and Big Show battles Chris Benoit for the Number 1 Condendership in our main event. Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
