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Retro Pops & Botches: WWE SmackDown – 09.19.2002

 

Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Billy and Chuck’s wedding went horribly, Brock Lesnar almost killed Bob Holly, Eddie Guerrero’s face met his nephew’s asshole, and Matt Hardy beat the Undertaker. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re just days away from Unforgiven, daddy! Next Big Thing!

BOTCH: Mr. Green

Before we get started, I’d like to point out that our announcer this week is not Tony Chimel, but instead 2002 Justin Roberts, who looks exactly the same. He’s greener than Hal Jordan right now so he sounds a little off, and he sadly doesn’t call John Cena JEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARN. Justin’s a great announcer nowadays and it’s fun to see him around, but I watch these shows to hear some Chimel, so I’m not too pleased.

BOTCH: Help a Girl Out

To continue the Torrie Wilson/Nidia blood feud (yippie), Torrie teams with little Rey to battle the Trailer Park Pair. The only way to make chicken salad out of this goddamn feud would be to transition into Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble for the Cruiserweight title, but it seems we’re not so lucky. They tease a little intergender action between the teams but weasel their way out of it, which I guess is better than that shitty “girls on girls and boys on boys ONLY” format they’ve been using these past few years. After some insubstantial action, Nidia eats a Bronco Buster from Torrie, so naturally Jamie asks Torrie to Bronco Bust him.

Look at him. Brother’s practically foaming at the mouth for some spare coochie. Unfortunately, it’s Mysterio who shoves his groin into Noble’s face. Boy, between this and the week-to-week Stinkface pathos, SmackDown’s been on a hell of a roll. Now, you’d think Nidia or Torrie would be the ones taking the pin here, since Rey just lost to Angle and Jamie’s the only one with a belt. Then again, that would actually make sense, so instead it’s Rey who pins the Cruiserweight Champion. I can hear you asking, and no, this does not make Rey the Number 1 Contender for the Cruiserweight title. In fact, I’d be extremely surprised if they ever mention this again. We all complain about Champions losing to challengers, but at least they lose to challengers, you know what I mean?

POP: Die Another Day

We get a little quality time with Rikishi, which I love. Focusing on a wrestler’s private struggles is almost always a success in my book. Kish tells us about the scar on his abdomen, courtesy of a drive-by shooting. He talks about his fear of death, and how he passed away for three minutes before being resuscitated. He sheds a tear, believing he was given a second chance at life for a reason, to provide for his wife and children.

Though it’s really short, it’s an incredibly rare and genuine moment in-between the general WWE buffoonery. It’s certainly better than trying to pretend the Stinkface is somehow profound symbolism for the unceasing despair of life as a whole, or whatever. I’d even go as far to say that giving Rikishi some depth could’ve set him up as a title challenger after Unforgiven (building on his loss to Brock from a month ago) but don’t worry, because it won’t!

POP: Take a Seat

Kish is in action tonight, aiding Edge (team name: Too Cool) in his on-going feud with Latino Heat. Eddie’s still fuming over last week’s intrafamilial ass kissing, and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t bathed since. He tries to cave Edge’s skull in with a steel chair, in case you forgot what show this is, but Edge avoids fate and tags in Rikishi. We get the obligatory Stinkface on Chavo, who quickly smashes a camera over Rikishi’s head behind the ref’s back for the win. Well, there goes my Main Event Rikishi scenario. Edge attacks Eddie after the bell, spears Chavo and, say it with me folks, EATS A CHAIRSHOT. Like fucking clockwork. Los Guerreros have two tag wins over Edge, and the handsome Canadian’s left bleeding in the ring heading into Unforgiven. Y’all ready for Eddie/Edge III?

POP: I Can Slap a Tornado

Fresh off his inspiring win over the Undertaker, Matt Hardy Version 1 battles Hurricane to keep the streak alive. Matt is full heel now so the crowd boos his ass out of the building, chanting for Jeff and Lita. I should really underline that Matt specifically asked for a match against a Cruiserweight. This will become important in a few months. Tazz sympathizes with Matt’s struggles as Version 1, since apparently his grandfather was Tazz and his father was Tazz, too. He tells Cole “I’m Version 3, you’re just a version. Heheh” Tazz also sums up Hardy’s entire arc at the moment by saying Matt only wants to be loved, but he’s also really annoying. Shane Helms can move, so the match is good, if a little basic. Matt sneaks in a low blow to get the Twist of Fate and that’s another W for our boy. Still no cool and marketable t-shirt, but we’re getting there.

POP: The Champ is Here

gooooooooooooooooldberg

Stephanie asks Reverend D-Von to bring Batista back to SmackDown, even though a) D-Von fired Batista and got his ass whipped, and b) Batista’s supposedly SmackDown exclusive. Like, he should be, right? Was Batista not already under a SmackDown contract as D-Von’s manager? Was D-Von the only one paying him? If Steph wants him so bad, why didn’t she sign him a couple weeks ago when he wrestled D-Von? Why would she expect D-Von to get him back? Does she not have Batista’s phone number? Assuming Dave’s not already on Raw, where the hell else is he gonna go, OVW?

Paul Heyman interrupts my regularly scheduled round of dumb questions to inform Stephanie that he’s hired personal security to guard Brock Lesnar from the Undertaker’s wrath. The good news is, Taker’s wife went into false labor and was sent to the hospital earlier in the day. The bad news is, she’s now out of the hospital, and Taker’s on his way.

Security doesn’t accompany Brock to his match against John Cena, however, because… they’re apparently not hired to accompany Brock to the ring? Money well spent, Paul. It’s worth noting that since becoming WWE Champ, Brock has wrestled Matt Hardy, Randy Orton, Hardcore Holly and John Cena back to back. The absolute murderer’s row of mid-2000s WWE. As you’ll recall, Cena got pinned by Los Guerreros last week, so I can’t pedantically justify this match like I did with Holly’s.

You’ll be glad to hear Brock doesn’t nearly paralyze his opponent this time around, but John barely puts up a fight. Brock absolulely manhandles Cena, grappling John to the death. Announce puts over Brock’s amateur background as a counterpoint to Taker’s striking, and how Lesnar could use his insane wrestling skills to overpower the Deadman. Lesnar takes his sweet time with Johnny Boy while a paranoid Heyman asks him to hurry the fuck up so they can go backstage again. Cena capitalizes off Taker’s non-corporeal presence to hit one or two punches and fuck up a crucifix. One F-5 later and we’ll see ya in 2012, John.

BOTCH: Executive Decision

Stephanie looks to have recovered from last week’s brutally heinous Samoan Drop altercation. I’m not saying a regular Samoan Drop is the same as a Vertebreaker from the top of a building onto a flaming thumbtack-covered table, but I wouldn’t mind a little selling from Steph here. Once again, we have to go back to this week’s Raw (ugh), where Stephanie lead a fake feminist protest and kicked Eric Bischoff in the balls with Billy & Chuck’s help. Aside from the fact that I have to recap Raw, which is really starting to get on my nerves, we now have an inter-promotional match set for Unforgiven: Billy & Chuck vs. Three Minute Warning. Someone call Meltzer.

That’s not all, though! If the Not So Gay Duo wins, Bischoff kisses Steph’s ass; if 3MW win, Stephanie has to undergo the Hot Lesbian Action procedure. I hate this fucking company. Steph partakes in the (now customary) Zoom Call with Smiling Eric, who starts an HLA chant and does his old man impression. The call is pretty useless, since all they do is repeat what we already know, but nothing says ratings like General Manager segments. Hell yeah, baby! Up top!

Earlier in the show, Stephanie brings out “The Greatest Tag Team in WWE History”.

…Billy and Chuck, guys, I’m talking about Billy and Chuck. You know, Demolition, Brain Busters, Strike Force, Bulldogs, Harts, Steiners, Hardys, Usos… Billy & Chuck. The tag team Mt. Rushmore is just Billy & Chuck’s heads twice in a row. Gunn & Palumbo (Pagunnbo?) are both babyface AND heterosexual now. Take that, GLAAD! That’s what you get for trying to present a positive same-sex relationship to a worldwide audience, morons! The Alleged Greatest Tag Team in WWE History throw a bunch of okay-ish gay puns, but before Billy can milk his DX membership for a cheap pop, Kurt Angle interrupts for literally no reason.

Angle says the Billy & Chuck wedding was the worst attempt at a publicity stunt he’s ever seen. I’d agree, but I watched Raw Reunion. Kurt also assures us that he might suck, but he sure ain’t gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Kurt’s still doing his unintentionally gay promo schtick from last week, and it’s getting old real quick. This all leads to Billy & Chuck in a warm-up tag match against Kurt Angle… and Chris Benoit. Oh man. I wonder what’s gonna happen here.

POP: Coexistence is Pain

Benoit and Angle argue backstage like a pair of idiots, which I recap only for Benoit stupid-ass sleeveless oversized Lugz shirt. Everybody knows Chris Benoit doesn’t wear shirts, come on. As for the match, I’m torn. On the one hand, I’m a big proponent that actual established teams should beat two thrown-together singles stars ninety times out of a hundred. On the other hand, Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle should also beat Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo ninety times out of a hundred. Doesn’t really add up for me. However, Billy & Chuck have a tag match set for Sunday while the other team is just gonna beat each other up, so I know my pick.

i love this screencap

As with all main events featuring Benoit and Angle, it’s good tag action. Billy & Chuck are our faces in peril while Angle and Benoit compete to see which of them can suplex Billy Gunn the most. Everyone hits everything here, Billy hits the Fameasser and One & Only (PEWPEW) but Angle gets an ankle lock on Chuck. He’s not legal though, so Benoit pushes him off and locks in the Crossface, because they, in fact, cannot coexist. Billy runs back in, whips Benoit into a Jungle Kick from Chuck, and the actual tag team prevails! Clean win, too! I mean, yeah, Benoit and Angle couldn’t get along, but Angle wasn’t legal, so it’s not like that Ankle lock was gonna win them the match. Billy and Chuck got the win by sheer virtue of working together. Angle attacks Benoit after the bell and taps him out to the Ankle Lock, but Benoit reverses into the Crossface and taps him out as well. But who will tap at Unforgiven? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

someone’s gonna win via rollup, aren’t they

POP: Thin Blue Line

dead man walking

We also get a WWE Desire montage to sell the Undertaker’s legacy from these past twelve years. Brock is more or less the Legend Killer at this stage, so it’s a good angle. Contrasting Lesnar’s insane rise to the top with Taker’s veteran status helps present Taker as Brock’s antithesis, even if they haven’t put much focus on that. Plus, we touch on Taker’s sacrifice, working on the road week in and week out, losing contact with his family, all so he can secure a better life for them. Brock Lesnar will come to understand this sacrifice in the coming years, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Heyman’s scared of Taker ripping his head off and shitting down his neck, as he should be, so he asks Brock to leave. Then he realizes Taker’s just gonna be waiting for them in the parking lot, so they stay. Brock Lesnar staying in the building after his match is over? Yeah, right. Taker shows up with a terrible dubbed theme song on the Network (God I hope it’s just a one-time thing) to angrily scream at Brock Lesnar for fucking his shit up last week. Props to Taker for being pissed off about the whole thing instead of just shrugging it off. Lesnar’s cockier than his chest tattoo, so he casually strolls down the ramp while Heyman begs him to stop like a cartoon character.

Such a great visual. Taker finally gets his hands on the Next Big Thing and a short brawl ensues. Heyman calls Matt Hardy for back up, and Matt, known dumbass, attacks Taker head-on. Brock leaves Hardy’s ass for dead, obviously, and Taker chases right after him. Lesnar’s smarter than he looks though, so he escapes under protective custody before Taker can reach him… which means Undertaker will have to wait until Sunday to kick Brock’s ass. We’re building to the match, people! We’re putting butts in seats!

bake him away, toys

And that’s our show! Join us next week for Unforgiven, featuring:

  • Eddie Guerrero vs. Edge
  • Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit
  • Billy & Chuck vs. Three Minute Warning, for All the Marbles
  • Ric Flair vs. Chris Jericho, this time for a disgustingly photoshopped Intercontinental title
  • Trish Stratus vs. Molly Holly, Women’s Championship
  • Rob Van Dam vs. Triple H, World Heavyweight Championship
  • The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar, WWE Championship
  • …And the long-awaited return of the Un-Americans! Fuck!

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