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Reacher Report: AEW All Out – 9.5.2020

AEW All Out Reacher Report

 

Tony Reacher here again, watching AEW All Out from the last Planet Hollywood left in the USA.  I know my last Reacher Report went a little off the rails and featured way too much Tom Cruise but I promise that won’t happen again.  Since “All Out” is a gambling related show, I’m going to review each segment and give it a rating based on how strong of a poker hand it is.

The Buy-In: Welcome to the party, pal

  • Joey Janela beat Serpentico
  • Private Party beat 3&4

Get To The Chompers

The show starts with a cinematic match between Britt Baker and Big Swole.  As much as I love the creativity of the cinematic matches we’ve gotten from multiple promotions, I think it was a wise choice to keep this extremely short and air it first, you don’t want to kill your live audience’s enthusiasm by making them watch a video halfway through your show, especially if you’re going over 4 hours.

This started off promising enough with Britt having her office rigged with horror movie settings like blood on the floor and chattering teeth but quickly devolved into comedy spots that show how bad Reba is at all of this and how much Britt only works in small doses.

Maybe that women’s title run we all had Britt penciled in for isn’t in the cards afterall.  Swole gets the win after injecting novicaine into Britt’s leg and then putting a gas mask on her to knock her out.

Rating: Ace High

What killed the Luchasaur? The Buck’s Legs

 Next up, we get the Young Bucks vs Jurassic Express and my god, this tag division is stacked. It’s a sin that neither of these teams have held the tag titles but I get it.

Omega and Page as the tag champs has kept Omega on TV but out of the World Title picture and has gotten Page over in a way that an immediate title run never could have.  The Bucks wrestle this match as the heels and Luchasaurus really gets to show off his surprising athleticism (but not a cartwheel in sight).

Matt Jackson kicks out Marko’s crutch and superkicks him just to make sure we know who to hate.  Sadly, Jungle Boy is just here to take the pin and the story of the match seemed to be that The Young Bucks are dicks now, like we didn’t already know that.

Rating: 2 pair

If you’re gonna book a Battle Royale you better bring one thing….a lot of body bags

Taz joined commentary for this and I am going to try to refrain from the tired but accurate observation that JR has got to go.  The first five in are Trent, Christopher Daniels, Jake Hager (no longer RockHard), the Blade and Rey Fenix.  Justin Roberts is trying so hard to be Michael Buffer, not realizing that Bischoff will never pay him ¼ million dollars to announce Goldberg vs Hogan.

The next 3 minutes are mostly meandering and punching until Kazarian, Will Hobbs, Chuck Taylor, Santana and Ortiz come out.  PnP and Best Friends battle outside the ring which is not the best way to win a Top Rope Battle Royale.  Billy Gunn shows up with Penta, Starks, Cage and Darby Allin.  Cage eliminates Billy before Darby can even make it to the ring and yes, that’s how to use aging talent! Billy hit the fameasser on Hager and then was eliminated by better, younger talent. He didn’t pin your hottest act for the heavyweight title.

Next up are Shawn Spears, who powders to the announce table because he’s “smart”, Eddie Kingston in his X-Men black and yellow spandex, Butcher, Sonny Kiss and Lance Archer.  Sonny Kiss manages to eliminate Jake Hager but is dumped out by Cage.  The “joker” was drawn by Matt Sydal who comes out at 21 and I can’t wait to see what he will do.  The man is such a gifted athlete and he is a great signing for AEW. You might not recognize the former Evan Bourne but this high-flyer is sooooo gifted.  He’s going right to the top ropes and damn, he must’ve thought Will Hobbs was Randy Orton because he decided to throw his neck at the mat instead of finishing that move.

I’m not saying it was Shockmaster levels of bad but that is not how you want to debut in a new promotion.  Darby eliminates Starks only to turn around and get wrecked by Cage. Starks then slides Cage a body bag that he then fills will thumbtacks.  Why they didn’t fill the bag with tacks ahead of time, only Taz knows.  In a really nasty spot, Cage tosses a blind and helpless Allin onto the ramp.

This is followed by the most “no one cares” moment of the night as Sydal eliminates Spears.  Your Final 4 are Butcher, Sydal, Spears and Archer. This is like March Madness coming down to Davidson, Gonzaga, Butler and Duke.  Of course Archer outlasts the other 3 and due to my own belief that Archer could be a great face, it doesn’t give away the winner of tonight’s main event.

Rating: Straight to the Ace 

Fast Forward Eats The Tape

Aubrey is our ref for the Broken Rules match and Sammy opens up by trying to rub down Matt with a golf cart.  They brawl onto a scissor lift and Sammy spears Matt off the lift and partially through two tables.  I say “partially” because it looks like a botched spot as they overshoot the tables and Matt’s head bounces off the concrete.

Matt looks legitimately dazed with Aubrey throwing up multiple Xs.  The match is stopped with the Doctor and Aubrey checking on Matt.

Sammy heads to the back and the camera focuses on the account team as  they explain that injuries happen and companies have to be safe with their employees.  My guess is that offscreen Matt convinced the doctors he was kind of OK so they restarted the match and fastforwarded right to the ending.  Both men clamber a lighting rig til Matt punches Sammy off it and through a stage for the win.

I’m not a doctor nor am I Matt Hardy.  Was it right to finish the match?  I have no idea.  Matt was clearly out of it for a few minutes after hitting the floor but he’s a professional and wanted to finish.

Rating: Fold 

Water Is Wet, The Sky Is Blue, Women Have Great Matches

AEW’s Womens Division is often criticized and a lot of people seem to the think the answer is “bring in more talent” and normally I think that is too simplistic but bringing in Thunder Rosa was definitely the right choice.  She might not go here yet but she showed that she should.

This was probably the best pure wrestling match of the night, no gimmicks, no interference, just two athletes showing what they can do.  It wasn’t perfect, Shida’s attempt at a stretch muffler looked off and Thunder seemed to telegraph a few moves a little too hard but Thunder’s reaction after the DVD on the apron was fantastic and really sold her as someone who enjoys inflicting pain.

We also get a meteora followed by a falcon’s arrow and a pin attempt that Rosa kicks out of at 1!  I love a kick out at 1 after a big move, it’s the ultimate F-U and pops me every time.  Shida hits the running knee and sends Thunder back to NWA to drop her title to Kamille.

Rating: Queen High Flush

What is best in life?  To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and marry someone way out of your league

We go backstage to Kip Sabian and Penelope Ford announcing their engagement with Kip saying he’ll reveal his handsome Best Man on Wednesday.

Not sure why we should care who his best man is, but it’s perfectly fitting that Sabian would think we care who his handsome best man is.

Dark Order’s the disease and Dustin’s the cure

If we’re going to get multiple Dark Order entrances every show, can we get them a better theme?  Anyway, they’re in the ring first followed by QT and Dustin waiting on the stage along with Allie and Brandi.  Scorpio Sky and Matt Cardona joing them and storm the ring.

We get multiple quick tags from Dark Order as they isolate QT.  Stu and Uno get some time to show that they’re really good at this wrestling thing while Colt gets a chance to prove that there’s no reason Dark Order should want him.

The main story is that Brodie, Stu and Uno keep putting the faces in peril before tagging in Colt who never manages to finish them off.  Dustin finally comes and hits a destroyer on Colt which prompts Brodie to attack Dustin.  Dustin tags in Scorpio which summons Anna Jayyyyyy (now #99 named after the Great One Wayne Gretzky).  This prompts a surprisingly great kick from peg-warmer Brandi Rhodes.

Brodie lays out Dustin and tags in Colt to score the pinfall but again, Colt screws up, misses the moonsault and gets rolled up by Dustin.  The Nightmare Family celebrate while Brodie and D.O. yell at Colt.

Rating: 5-High Straight 

I couldn’t think of a movie quote here

Tony interviews Dustin who says he can’t wait for Cody to come back and regain the TNT title because it is HIS title.  Tony informs Dustin that Khan has booked him into a title match against Brodie Lee this Wednesday and Dustin immediately switches gears and says he’s been without gold for too long and can’t wait to win the title for himself.

He also tells Brodie that he’s coming and hell’s coming with him.  That’s a pretty cool line.

You think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?

#FTR come out in their matching Daverne and Cashirley jackets along with cool grandpa, Tully.  If you stare at their asses long enough, you can see that their trunks say “Fear the Revelation” so I guess that’s their name now.  You can also see it on Tully’s jacket but I’m not going to tell you that you can’t look at their asses.

We get immediate miscommunication between Page and Omega and I’ll wrestle Abadon if this match doesn’t end with Page accidentally hitting Omega.  I’m not saying obvious booking is bad, I’m just saying it’s obvious.  Dax and Cash make frequent use of blind tags to isolate Page, which would have been more effective if we hadn’t just seen the same thing in the previous match.

I’m not intentionally trying to be negative about this match but every match tonight seems to have gone about 7 minutes too long and fatigue is setting in.  Even the 500 socially distanced fans seem disinterested.  In a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of, Omega hit Page with a knee leading to the #FTR victory.

After the match, Kenny teased beating down Page for some reason, proving that all of the Elite are assholes and now I’m booked to face Abadon on this week’s Dark.

Rating: 3 of a Kind (Aces)

Maybe you need a drink to ease the pain of being wrong

This is what we’re all here for, right?  Fair or not due to these unprecedented times, Moxley’s reign has not really set the world on fire but Orange Cassidy has captured our hearts since his first AEW appearance.  Jericho, on the other hand, has always had our hearts and a long history of creating matches that he never wins.

If history is any indicator, I’m expecting Vicki Guerrero to wing this.  Jericho spends his prematch promo calling OC lazy, OC skips his prematch promo probably because he’s lazy.  Orange is out first and check to see if the mimosa levels are rising due to climate change, meanwhile, the sheeple who need to wake up are content to sing along to “Judas”.  OC makes the mistake of trying and runs right into a codebreaker to start the match.

Jericho spends the majority of the match trying to get an easy win by throwing Orange into the drink but Orange answers by outwrestling the DemoGod. Jericho is able to lock in a Walls of Jericho and since there are no rope breaks, OC has to escape by throwing a glass of mimosa into Chris’s face and now I’m wondering what is the hardest part of the mimosa.

The match ends when OC hits 2 Orange Punches to knock Jericho off the top rope and into the mimosa pit.  This is probably the only match of the night that didn’t overstay it’s welcome.

Rating: Full House

If he bleeds, we can pin him

Moxley’s prematch promo quickly reminds me why we loved this guy and wanted great things for him.  He says that when MJF’s lungs burn from exhaustion, he’ll be looking for an easy way out and Mox actually sounds like a deranged tough guy who has been in real fights.  MJF comes to the ring in a robe that would have Miz saying “WTF is he wearing?”.

I love the design of the AEW belts and Moxley looks great holding it above his head but I wouldn’t hate seeing MJF getting the W tonight. Moxley’s suicide dives have greatly improved and no longer look like he’s gently pushing his opponent.  MJF manages to drop Moxley’s left elbow onto the apron with JR calling it his right elbow while Excalibur does actual commentary and reminds us that that is the elbow that had a MRSA infection.

We go back and forth but Mox can never seem to finish the match because he instinctively keeps going for the Paradigm Shift before catching himself, allowing MJF to recover each time.  Moxley then goes full Mel Gibson (not like that) and repeatedly rams his shoulder into the turnbuckle to fix his dislocated elbow(?) While we’re watching that, MJF bladed on the outside and comes back to the ring covered in blood.  Mox proves he’s earned his redwings by immediately putting his mouth on MJF’s bloody hole.

The two eventually drop to their knees exchanging punches and slaps, after each exchange, Moxley just smiles showing what a true masochist he really is and I am learning way too much about his sex life tonight.  The ending sees Wardlow go for the distraction and toss MJF the deadly pinky ring but Mox uses the opportunity to hit a Paradigm Shift behind the ref’s back and score the win.  Mox then crawls to the corner and yells at Archer telling him he’ll have to drop a house on him to take that title.

Rating: 3 of a Kind (Kings)

Overall, a lackluster show that did everything right but just didn’t seem to deliver.

You’re not WWE trying to fill network time. Keep this stuff to 3 hours and you’re golden, Pony Boy.

     

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