Tony Reacher here. Been reading this site for years and finally decided to contribute to it. Since Dynamite is airing on a Saturday, I figured I’d have enough time to write this up without worrying about work the next day. I’ll try to keep my biases to a minimum and just report on what happened. So let’s do this thing.
The show opens up with a tag team match out of nowhere, I’m guessing the 20 minute promo train was preempted by the NBA game. I noticed right away that #FTR are so skilled and talented but their adherence to the rules is kind of a detriment. It makes them boring, you can hear the socially-distanced crowd go to sleep whenever they’re on offense.
They call themselves Top Guys but they’re clearly not the Top Guns. They’re Iceman and Slider, they dislike Private Party because PP are dangerous when they fly. When Marq Quen tags in, you know that Aubrey is wishing he would follow her into the ladies’ room after the match, but just like in Top Gun #FTR wins the competition but everyone agrees that Maverick and Isiah Kennedy were way more exciting
Overall Rating: You can be my wingman anytime
Next up, Ambrose cuts a lengthy promo about how the toughest guys don’t talk a lot. He also threatened to split MJF’s skull with his skull, which is a cool line but not as cool as “First, take a big step back and literally fuck your own face!” but this is basic cable.
MJF responds with a heartfelt promo explaining how he’d like to one day have kids (that will be better than your kids) but he might not be able to because of the brutality of the Paradigm Shift. After that sincere plea for some humanity in war, all I can picture is a doctor telling MJF that “We want to make one thing very clear to you. The possibility of you every walking again is minimal and you’ll probably be in a wheelchair with a burberry blanket over your legs for the rest of your life” and I really don’t want that. Ban the double-armed DDT!
Overall rating: People say if you don’t love AEW then get the hell out, I love AEW
We then get the Butcher, the Blade, the Penta, and the Fenix against Jurassic Nightmare (which should have been the name of the final episode of “Dinosaurs”, really, look it up, everyone freezes to death). This match was as good as you would expect a match with all these talented performers would be, but right at the end it just all seems to fall apart with Penta holding Jungle Boy up for the double team package piledriver and then just letting him go to argue with the Blade.
However, just like “Vanilla Sky”, if you really think about it, the hints were there and it all makes sense. Penta wants him and his brother to get the win. They argue a bit after Blade gets rolled up by Jungle Boy but eventually Eddie Kingston wanders out to remind them and us that the Lucha Bros or B&B should be tag champs by now. Is this a new stable? I could really get behind Eddie and the Bruisers!
Overall Rating: On The Dark Side (not a Tom Cruise movie but the name is Eddie and The Cruise-ers…I’m a good writer)
Next up, Britt Baker is seen offering Penelope Ford and Kip Sabian free dental care and makeup for a year because they’re handicapped. I never figured Britt for a democrat but here we are. Penelope accepts her generosity and says she’ll help Britt beat Big Swole to show her gratitude.
Overall Rating: You can’t handle the tooth
This is followed by Tony Schiavone interviewing Orange Cassidy and Best Friends. The interview is quickly interrupted by the DemoGod congratulating OC on the win but suggesting that they need to break their tie of 1 win a piece.
He suggests they settle the feud over a vat of bubbly mixed with orange juice in the first ever Mimosa Mayhem Match and I am so mad at myself and all of you for not making that connection before. OC thumbs up the challenger which summons the Inner Circle. They beat down Best Friends while Jericho waterboards OC.
Overall Rating: Show me the mimosa
Somehow the ring is cleared and we get a short 6-man tag between The Elite and Dark Order. The match is fun and exciting but the victors are never in doubt and Omega hits a One-winged Angel for the win.
After the match, Kenny sets up a chair in the ring to do further damage to his enemy but the Young Bucks stop him and wonder what is going on in his head.
Overall Rating: Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full
Backstage, Alex Marvez announces that next week, we get a Gauntlet Match to determine the challengers for the tag team titles at All-Out BUT the oft-criticized rankings come into play with the 4th ranked team facing the 3rd ranked team and then the 2nd ranked team entering and then FTR, the #1 ranked team.
Overall Rating: Bring Back That Gloving Feeling
Darby Allin heads to the ring and since the NBA game ran long, and… my DVR missed the rest of Dynamite.
Overall Rating: You incomplete me
What I didn’t see:
Darby Allin beat Will Hobbs, which….was that even in question? Oh, but then Starks and Cage beat up Darby and damn, I really think an Allin/Starks feud could elevate both of them. I can’t wait til Allin is built up so much that he finally can beat Cody and win the TNT title from him. That’s going to be electric.
Matt Hardy committed murder by attacking Sammy Guevara from behind with a chair and tossing him off the stage through a table.
Ivelisse and Diamante beat Brandi and Allie with no shenanigans!
Thunder Rosa!
Okay, found a stream of the TNT title match online, we’re back, baby!
First thought, ummmm, Brodie Lee has to win this, right? I mean, it kills my Darby Allin dreams but damn, you can’t bring this guy in as the leader of your second most powerful heel faction and have him lose his first two title matches, right? WTF happened? I was typing that and Brodie won. Cody got BROCK‘d?
Wait, Cody is being stretchered out because of two powerbombs and a clothesline? The Dark Order brings out a battered Dustin and QT. Anna Jayyyyyyy chokes out Brandi. Arn Anderson Is lifeless?
Hey, your villains are powerful!
Overall Rating: Join scientology The Dark Order
