Last time on Raw, Dominik signed on as an official WWE talent, and got lit up with a Singapore cane for his troubles. R-Truth won the 24-7 championship again. Asuka earned a shot at Sasha Banks’ Raw Women’s title at Summerslam, and RIc Flair got his head bunted in* by Randy Orton
*Side note: What Randy does is a kickball bunt, not an actual football punt. Just for future reference.
So what’s on the table this week? An appearance by Shawn Michaels, a billed match between the returning Mickie James and Natalya, and speculation over whether Rey Mysterio will appear to avenge his stepson.
BOTCH: RETRIBUTION IS A MISERY
Is there any point to these Retribution hijinks? This week, as Drew McIntyre is taking Randy Orton to task for destroying Ric Flair, we get random camera cutaways (even worse than usual) and graphics packages hitting the screen. A camera crew goes to the monkeys in the truck to investigate only to find Retribution in the truck, threatening crew monkeys with baseball bats and smashing laptops. It’s not exactly a barnburner of a way to start your go-home show before Summerslam.
Cut to the locker room a few moments later, where Drew expresses his displeasure at Retribution’s activities, and tries to rally the locker room. Seth interrupts to assert his dominance over the roster, and the two almost come to blows. It’s almost as if the show has two pointless angles going on – Retribution and Raw Underground. Neither have any apparent objective in mind and seem to exist outside of WWE continuity.
BOTCH: SAY CATERING AGAIN! I DARE YOU!
The Hurt Business come to the ring so MVP can chatter on about the Retribution conspiracy. He then goes on to talk at length about Apollo Crews and his friends “in catering”. Seriously, he says the word catering so often during this promo I have to wonder if he wasn’t collecting on some sort of backstage bet. It also really muddles the face/heel line here. Are we supposed to cheer MVP for standing up to Retribution, or boo him for his attacks on Crews and his friends?
Apollo shows up and MVP makes him a deal; if Apollo wins his match against Shelton Benjamin tonight, then Benjamin and Bobby Lashley are banned from ringside during the Crews-MVP US title match on Sunday. The match itself is a mess as we get an Animaniacs-type runthrough with R-Truth pursued by Tozawa’s ninjas. During a postmatch beatdown, R-Truth again runs into the ring and eats boot for it. Shelton pins him to become the new 24/7 champion. Quick match, and it sets a stipulation going into Summerslam, but doesn’t really scream “WATCH US THIS SUNDAY!”
Ivar and Garza are backstage, both vying for the affections of *checks notes* Demi from The Bachelor? This ridiculousness goes on through the show, and I was surprised that Mickie didn’t get pushed into this to show that creepy, unnecessary cross-promotion is such a good idea when the other show is competing against you in the same timeslot. Anyway, this all leads to Garza having a match with Ivar and beating him with a dropkick.
BOTCH: Matchus Interruptus
Mickie James returns to Raw, and it seemed like it was going to be made into a big deal. However, with an apparent feud developing between her and the team of Natalya and Lana, things go south pretty quickly. Mickie ends up tangling with Nattie in a match here, but most of the attention ended up being focused on Seth Rollins and Murphy rolling up on Samoa Joe to find out how he knows that Rey Mysterio will show up later. While this important discussion goes on, Mickie tumbles out of the ring and is counted out. Welcome back, Mickie. Welcome. Back.
POTCH: SAVE_US.WIVES
The lone brightish spot of the evening comes when the Golden Wives take on the uneasy truce team of Asuka and Shayna Baszler.
And yet, this match doesn’t even survive the sense of senselessness that has filled through every segment of this show tonight. Nia Jax shows up to take Shayna out of the running, leaving Asuka to face off against the Wives. She does well in taking them both on, and when Baszler reappears late in the match, the two of them dominate, leading to a double pin of the Women’s tag team champions. Had there been no Nia run in, I’d have given this a solid pop; as it it, it’s still the best match of the night.
Backstage, we see the Iiconics and Riott Squad arguing over who is going to win their singles matches tonight. Pan over and we see Shayna talking to fellow MMA Horsewomen Jessamyn Duke and Marina Shafir.
BOTCH: RIOTCONIC
Ruby Riott and Peyton Royce hook up for a brief and just not that great a match.
BOTCH: More 24/7 wackiness
Because we didn’t cheer loud enough in hour 1, we get a six man elimination tag match between the Hurt Business and the team of Crews, Ricochet and Mustafa Ali. Lashley finishes it by spearing Crews, but during the match Cedric Alexander pops in to pin Benjamin and win the 24/7.
But wait, there’s more! Alexander then has to face Tozawa in a 24/7 match, which ends when Benjamin swoops in and pins Cedric. Wow. Three title changes on one Raw. Can you feel the excitement?
BOTCH: Never Trust A Big Butt and a Smile
Montez Ford exacts some revenge on Andrade after footage shows up of Zelina Vega slipping something into Ford’s drink a couple of weeks ago. Now the two men square off to settle their differences. Their significant others interfere in the match and Ford gets the win.
BOTCH: I don’t even have two words for ya here
Overall, it was just a slog of an episode. The constant mid-match pullaways, the ridiculous matches, the blond bimbo skulking backstage, it just added up to a horrible go-home for Raw. I didn’t even mention Raw Underground because until they show me that it’s something more than two people beating the shit outta one another, I’m just not wasting the time or effort. Anyway…
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Have a great week!
