Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and welcome to the second edition of Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. We just got done with SummerSlam 2002, where Shawn Michaels and Triple H ignited their feud, Rob Van Dam took the Intercontinental title back to Raw from Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero and Edge came to blows, The Next Big Thing became the youngest World Champion in WWE history and the Un-Americans were also there. You can watch this week’s episode here. We have now officially booked ourselves into the SmackDown Hotel, and we’re on The Road to Unforgiven. Next Big Thing!
POP: We’re All Grown Up
Now we’re talking. Up first, we got “The Beautiful People” by Marilyn Manson. A pretty great intro back then, and for a song that came out in ’96, it’s extremely 2002. If you want more early-2000s, Steph comes out to “All Grown Up” by Jacki-O, maybe her best theme song. Yes, we open the show with a promo, but it’s good news! On the off-chance you missed Raw (which I did, and will continue to), Brock, Heyman, Bischoff, Triple H, Undertaker and the rest of the peanut gallery opened the show with a 15 minute promo phalanx, and our Undisputed Champion ended the night leaving the building alongside SmackDown GM, Stephanie McMahon. Steph, seen here with that deranged Vince look she sometimes gets, announces that both Lesnar and his ginormous gold belt are now SmackDown exclusive, just in case you were scared Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar might main-event Unforgiven.
She also announces a series of matches to determine Brock’s first challenger. So, a tournament? With no bracket? That leads us right into our first contest, a SummerSlam rematch. There’s plenty to love here, as we’re making important announcements, quickly setting up an overarching story for tonight’s episode and creating matches with stakes to determine a new Number 1 Contender, which is always great. And hey, unlike other show opening promos, it’s done in a couple of minutes and leads directly into the Opening bout…
POP: Reprise
Our SummerSlam rematch here is Edge vs. Eddie. These two have a nice intensity to them, as you’d expect from guys who are apparently feuding now. Eddie doesn’t bother much with the shoulder this time around (wonder why) and, if anything, that makes this a LOT better than their first match. For starters, it’s a much simpler back and forth layout, which I appreciate, and secondly, these two are smooth. Eddie in particular jumps, floats, bounces and snaps perfectly with every damn move. It’s impossible to explain, but so easy to see in motion.
The finish is some of that classic Eduardo Magic too, Eddie grabs two chairs and throws one in the ring. While SmackDown Official Jimmy Korderas gets rid of it, he takes the second one and just calmly holds it in front of his body as Edge, being the face, spears himself headfirst into it. Frog Splash, three count, and we’re 1-1.
BOTCH: ¿Elimination Series?
Matt Hardy’s been alone on SmackDown since the Draft, so he asks for a chance to face Eddie in the Elimination Series. Steph avoids the subject without hurting his feelings and announces Rikishi as Eddie’s next opponent because… she likes Rikishi? So, was Eddie/Edge a tournament qualifier or was it a Round 1 and ‘Kish gets a bye? Why are the two guys who wrestled at the PPV having qualifiers while a man who wasn’t even booked gets to wrestle the winner? Yes, Rikishi had wrestled Brock a few weeks before SummerSlam, but he lost, so why would he have an advantage? Obviously, Edge got screwed here, since he actually won at SummerSlam, and he’s now officially out of the title chase, but Eddie has to wrestle a second match against a well-rested, 350lb mountain of a man. Is Steph just making shit up as she goes along? She is, isn’t she?
Eddie doesn’t back down, either, he shit-talks Rikishi right before the match, defiant in the face of Ass. At no point does he ask Stephanie why he had to wrestle twice in one night while the fat dude with his cheeks out gets a free pass. Eddie’s just a good employee, I say give him the title shot.
Then it’s Harcore Holly who asks for a match in the ¿Tournament?, he calls Eddie Guerrero “Mr. Macarena” and Rikishi “Blubber Butt”. As far as I’m aware, Eddie has never danced the Macarena and Alabama Bob’s been spending the last six months working Velocity, so Steph politely but bluntly shuts the door on his face. Why? Well, mainly because he’s Bob Holly, but also, Stephanie gets a very important phone call, according to Dawn Marie, her… secretary, I guess. She’s not much of a wrestler. We soon learn that said call comes from a mystery Raw wrestler interested in switching brands. Mystery!
Bob, who as I’m sure you all know, is a sad and lonely man, screams “What PHONE CALL is more important than HARDCORE HOLLY?!” right in Dawn’s face. An automated survey is probably more important than Hardcore Holly, Spark Plug. If a wrong number called in the middle of a Hardcore Holly match, I’d ask them not to hang up.
POP: A Matter of Hubris
Later, Matt somehow sneaks his way through Dawn Marie’s air-tight security and actually hangs Steph up mid-call. Take note of Matt’s confidence, this is all important. Steph, reasonably, gets very mad at this massive dumbass for not waiting thirty more seconds and ruining her Mystery Talent contract negotiations, so she promptly books him in a non-title match with Brock. As we’ve already established, Matt isn’t particularly bright, so he’s happy to take it.
SmackDown’s Number 1 Announcer Funaki (Indeed!) asks Heyman for an interview with Brock Lesnar, and Heyman gives him the old “bro do you REALLY wanna talk to Brock Lesnar right now man” but before Lesnar can chomp poor Funaki’s head off his neck, Matt shows up to announce the dawn of a new age. The era… of Mattitude. Yes, it’s almost time. He does the little V1 fingers too, even though that hasn’t been properly established yet.
Before we get to Matt’s untimely demise, I’d like to take a second to mention Brock’s belt. The Undisputed Championship’s always been one of my favorite designs, and I know I’m not alone in that, but jesus CHRIST look at the size of that thing. This was one of the first versions of the belt, so it won’t stay like that for long, but when your belt looks big on Brock Lesnar, you might want to tone that shit down.
Lesnar jumps Hardy before the bell and rams his spine into the post, in case you had too much faith in Matt here. The Current Big Thing wipes the mat with Matt, but Hardy gets just barely enough offense to set up a Twist of Fate. He doesn’t hit it, as he wastes too much time on the mid-animation taunt (probably out of a subconscious fear that Lesnar might kick out at one, he’s Lesnar after all) and Brock scoops his ass up and spins his ass right back down. It doesn’t end there, as Lesnar gets aggroed by Sort-of-Broken Matt doing his stupid ass V1 taunts after losing, so he runs back in and powerbombs him into the bargain. Matt Hardy will rise again, folks, don’t you doubt it.
BOTCH: Blue Chips
Yeah. Yeah, that’s him. 2002 John Cena, everybody, from a time before the Vanilla Ice cosplay. We’ll get to that; it should be good. Right now, it’s time for some Prototype action. The crowd’s really loving the dude right now, possibly because he just debuted a month before this, and also because he looks like he was made in a lab through the combined efforts of Vince McMahon’s psyche and Mattel. He goes up against Revered D-Von (HE’S COMIN’, EH), the neurotic former member of a surprisingly large, possibly murderous family of violent wood-fetish sadists, now turned a Messenger of God by way of the Brand Split. I’m pretty sure most people just find a hobby when they move away from their siblings, but whatever makes you happy, man.
D-Von at this point had Deacon Batista by his side, but right now he’s Deacon Batista-less, since he and Dave split up a week ago. As for Cena vs. The Reverend… it’s 2002 John Cena vs. Singles Match D-Von, so don’t get your hopes up, but it’s perfectly acceptable action. John is just a ball of energy at this point, every time he makes or receives a move, he flails his entire body like a lightning bolt in little shorts. Cena throws an Oklahoma Roll the wrong way, so he’s obviously not great, but he sure looks great! D-Von wins off the Saving Grace, and none other than big ‘Tista shows up to kick his ass immediately afterwards. Dave is Raw bound, and I wouldn’t worry about him too much.
POP, WEST COAST: Rico, Somehow
After his loss in the opener at SummerSlam, Rey rebounds by routing Rico. Rico’s accompanied by Billy and Chuck, and I just now realize I need to explain who Billy and Chuck are. Okay. Okay, so you all remember Billy Gunn, right? Well, during his The One run, which was arguably worse than both Rockabilly and the “I’m obsessed with Asses” gimmicks, he was beaten by WCW Power Plant’s own Chuck Palumbo on Heat, of all places, and suggested forming a tag team. Through the power of an ambiguously gay gimmick and the managerial duties of their weirdo stylist, the Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn tag team formed on HEAT, which I REALLY need to stress, became Tag Champions, retained at WrestleMania and are now heading into a VERY important angle. You’ll know it when we get there.
Here, Chucky and Bill get expelled after a minute and Rico’s left all on his lonesome, so naturally he hits an Emerald Flowsion and a Falcon Arrow version of the Three Amigos. Crowd starts chanting “Rico Sucks”, because they clearly haven’t studied the same tapes Rico has. He also hits a Pop-up Powerslam and misses a REALLY good looking Moonsault and holy shit, I’m writing down Rico Constantino’s moves in the middle of a Rey Mysterio match. Obviously, Rico’s throat ends up against the middle rope, and West Coast Pop, that’s it for our boy.
???: All the Senator’s Men
SmackDown’s stars (and also Dwayne) show up to Wall Street for the, uh… “SmackDown Your Vote: Pledge to Participate Constitution Tour”, with appearances from all your favorite American heroes: Kurt Angle, the Rock, New York State Governor George Pataki, and Edge, who is Canadian. I think Rocky signed the Constitution? This was 2002 Rock, and the only thing of note he’d done so far was Scorpion King, so… I don’t know. I legitimately do not know.
POP: SmackDown: The Series
Eddie Guerrero, a tired, 5’8, 200lb cruiser, takes it right to Rikishi, whose dreaded Stinkface looms over Eddie’s every move. Guerrero targets the knee, because you can be a complete dickhead and a great wrestler at the same time, and they throw up a replay at one point just to show Eddie’s look of sheer disbelief after avoiding a Rikishi senton. This is my first SmackDown review and I’m already in love with this dude. Eddie somehow manages to get through the night without having Rikishi’s ass shoved in his face, as he gets pinned off a Thrust Kick. You’ll get ‘em next time vato, you’ll get ‘em next time. Benoit shows up immediately to injure Kish before Edge runs the heels off. You can’t see him, but Teddy Long is just barely offscreen, being violently held back by every security agent in the building as he attempts to announce a tag TEAM match, playa.
Stephanie, armchair psychiatrist she is, tells Benoit he’s only lashing out because he’s mad at himself for losing the Intercontinental Championship to RVD. Also, y’know, thanks to him the only midcard title SmackDown has now is the fucking Cruiserweight belt, so I’m guessing she’s not exactly happy with Chris, either. Steph announces the next match in the Series: Benoit vs. Rikishi! Okay so it’s safe to assume that NOT ONLY was there no card set for SmackDown tonight and all the matches were decided on the fly, but also that the Number 1 Contender Elimination Series works like a chain? A wrestles B, B wrestles C, C wrestles D? So, like a Gauntlet match stretched out through the whole show? Was Benoit always the planned opponent for the third match or did she swap him for someone else? Should I be putting this much thought into it?
Now it’s Rikishi vs. Benoit and, like the rest of the Number 1 Contender Elimination Series~, they go at it right off the bat. There’s a tangible intensity to all these matches, with different reasons for each one: Edge and Eddie are feuding, Eddie puffed up his chest with Rikishi, who was then injured by Benoit. But it’s obvious these guys just want to get in, win, and get out, because they know what’s at stake. Of course, it doesn’t really make for Match of the Year Candidates, as Benoit quickly gets Rikishi in the Crossface. Big man gets to the ropes, so Chris rolls him back to the middle and locks it in again, with Rikishi looking like he’s two heartbeats away from eternal damnation. It’s simple, but realistic, I suppose.
This random SmackDown correspondent whose name I do not know and refuse to look up asks Angle about the Elimination Series in the most annoying way he can muster. Kurt instead calls Rey a dwarf and claims it’s the last time he ever medals in his affairs (Tazz chuckles at this), and announces IT IS HE WHO WILL ELIMINATE IN A SERIES. Angle faces Benoit in our main event, in the Elimination ¿finals? I was about to say “maybe Angle received the final spot because got a win at SummerSlam”, but so did Edge, and he’s in catering, so fuck it. “Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle in the main event”, I write, with my eyes popping out of my skull.
BOTCH: Moore Bang For Your Buck
Oh, let’s not forget about the Cruiserweight belt, though, as Jamie Noble (c) and his girlfriend Nidia accompany Tajiri for his match against Shannon Moore. This makes sense, actually, as Jamie-San is formerly a member of the Jung Dragons from his WCW days and a huge connoisseur of traditional Japanese culture and it actually does not make sense, I just made that up. Shannon Moore is being accompanied to the ring by the Hurricane, who is also connected to him via another late-WCW tag team. Jamie Noble beat Hurricane for the Cruiserweight title at King of the Ring, so they’re still on that. Shannon Moore actually got a pin on Jamie Noble the week before this, which begs the question “Why isn’t Shannon Moore the Number 1 Contender?” Because he’s Shannon Moore.
If I understand Jamie’s gimmick, and I think I do, he’s a small, feral bumpkin who got lucky and found a girlfriend, but now he’s extremely insecure about her and needs to constantly show her off to convince people of how hot she is. Either that or he’s a cuck? I’m not sure I really care. C’mon man, she loves you, what else do you need? Tajiri and Moore have some pretty good Cruiserweight action, which I’m always down for, at least until Moore tries to ‘Rana Tajiri and succeeds in powerbombing the shit outta himself. He then tries to pin Tajiri while his foot his CLEARLY under the bottom rope, and the ref actually counts it. Tajiri gets back at Moore by suplexing his soul out of his body. The match predictably breaks down and Moore gets a flash pin on Tajiri. Shannon’s really climbing up the ladder, huh. Sure hope nothing bad happens.
POP: Spoiler
Dawn Marie returns with signed contracts from THE MYSTERY CALLER, and Stephanie announces said Mystery Caller will now enter the Benoit/Angle match for a shot at the Undisputed Title. Boy, I hope this mystery man who just showed up at the very end doesn’t win the whole thing, essentially defeating the entire purpose of your whack ass Elimination Series.
uh
Well, Benoit and Angle had been feuding the year before this, and they’ll begin feuding again soon enough, but they’re well aware that Taker at this point is the most indestructible force known to man, so they quickly deal with him and start double-legging one another. Taker comes back before the two maniacs can break each other’s necks with suplexes, so Angle goes for a chair. Michael Cole ponders “But if Angle’s disqualified, he’s thrown out of this match”, a fascinating analysis in that it’s both redundant and incorrect.
While the referee’s distracted with Angle, Benoit gets his own chair and swings it upside Taker’s head. I’m pretty sure turning your coworker’s brains into paste is legal under Triple Threat Rules, but it’s all just shades of gray at this point. It’s a good main event, tons of fun submission work between Angle and Benoit with Taker hanging around their general vicinity, but you already know who the Number 1 Contender is.
Taker’s going to Unforgiven.
Despite the inherent vagueness of the Prestigious Elimination Series, you’ll notice this week’s episode was surprisingly well structured. The A-plot not only sets up Brock’s first big matchup, but it also affects various other characters outside of it, like poor, sad Bob Holly and poorer, sadder Matt Hardy. Hell, Matt’s omission from the Elimination Series is indirectly responsible for his harrowing loss to Brock Lesnar and eventual descent into full-on narcissism, as well as furthering Eddie vs. Edge, Benoit vs. Angle and setting up a possible Eddie/Benoit vs. Edge/Rikishi tag match the following week. It also ends up tying together with the B-plot, the Mystery Caller, and setting up Undertaker as a) a member of the SmackDown roster, which Michael Cole is really happy about, and b) Lesnar’s first challenger. Good stuff, aside from the obvious, gaping holes in basic wrestling logic.
And that’s our first SmackDown!
Join us next week as Billy & Chuck take that next big step, Brock faces off with a future star, Reverend D-Von battles Batista, Noble defends his Cruiserweight Championship, Matt Hardy resurges from the depths, and a huge Six-Man Tag Main Event. Make sure to leave a comment below (I read all of them, trust me) and join the Discord. SmackDown!
