Pops & Botches AEW Dynamite – 1.13.2021

Dynamite Pops & Botches

 

Happy New Year Two Year! Let’s go!

POP: I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Get Up and Also My Chest Is Bleeding

The slow weird semi-feud between Pac and Kingston continues. Kingston has been treading water since his I Quit match with Moxley, but hey…if you ain’t the champ, you’re not gonna have a top tier storyline every week. 

 They make beautiful use of their time though. Did I say “Beautiful”? I meant “Brutal”. Guys, it’s 8 o clock on a Wednesday, I really can’t get to sleep unless I hear some boots thumping off a man’s chest. These are some vicious ass chops for an opening match.

Kingston is a hell of a seller. You know how some guys just do it more realistically? On one end of the spectrum you have D-Von Dudley who is in so much pain he’s flopping his limbs in every direction (it’s awesome, I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense). Eddie Kingston sells so realistically, it honestly doesn’t look that good. However, as someone with chronic lower back pain, it is unbelievable as fuck. You can keep your “Dolph Ziggler suplex double rotation flips” selling. I will absolutely keep my “Grandma who just had several vertebrae slip into her asshole and now she can’t move” selljob.

Pac hits the Black Arrow but throws on an insult-to-injury submission which brings in the cavalry of Lucha Bros/Butcher/Blade and a run in from Lance Archer. This is gonna be an awesome 6 or 8 man when they get around to it, but…I’m kinda ready for them to just get around to it already.

Cromulent: The Kentucky Gentleman

Chuck is introed as the “Kentucky Gentleman Chuck Taylor”. Good for him. Kip comes out with Miro holding a carboard cutout of Trent covered in K-tape on his injury spots. (While I detest “Photoshopped insult” heeling, I will pop every day for “Besmirching your enemy’s cardboard cutout”. Though the most extreme suspension of disbelief in either scenario is “If this were real, there would 100% be a penis drawn on his face.” I’m starting to think this wrestling thing might be rigged…)

I was so scared this would be a 15 minute competitive match. Miro has been in “character rehab” hell ever since he arrived, the last thing he needs is to be selling for 3rd most popular Best Friend (Sorry Chuckie. Shit outta luck). Thankfully, despite some selling and Kip/OC ringside shenanigans, he gets a convincing win over Chuck. As you may remember (I certainly didn’t), this means Chuckie is now Miro’s manservant for a month. Get ready to bring pizza rolls while Kip and Miro play Galaga for 30 days. Or 28. Wait, the middle of the month is a very weird time to run this angle. You’re really gonna run an “unpaid against your will servant” angle during February, a month set aside for another group that was in a similar situation? Oh well. Hopefully this’ll get Chuckie off to some good character development while Trent is banged up on the shelf. 

 

POP: You Charming Problematic Monster

Fresh off last week’s big-man-hoss-pecking-order-sort-out between Hager and Wardlow, the Inner Circle have some resolutions for 2021. They are as follows:

1. (Via Hager) Championships! 

2. (Via MJF) Strengthening his bonds with the Inner Circle. Also, no more fat people. 

3. (Via Ortiz) Perfecting his grandma’s recipe. (Trick Resolution! Abeula Ortiz’s cooking is PINNACLE.)

4. (Via Jericho) Me and MJF are gonna win the tag team championship. 

5. (Via Santana) Yo Chris, you picked us to be the tag of the group? 

6. (Via Sammy) Chris, you’re a tag team (ignorant) slut! You teamed with me as Le Sex Gods, you teamed with Hager, you teamed with Santana. You were getting chummy with Snoop Dogg last week, you gonna team with him next? (Chris: :cheekily: “…Maybe?” Goddammit you Trump supporting Covid denying flat earth asshole, I can’t stay mad at you…at least not consistently) 

Next week we’re gonna have an all Inner Circle match to determine who will be the OFFICIAL Inner Circle tag team. 

Sammy chooses Jake to form team…..SAMMY HAGER?!?!?! Now there’s a Dream(s) tag team I can’t stop loving! I need this tag team Right Now. 

 

Dork Order 

Adorable short segment with the Dark Order being all cutesy with Adam Page. These guys are gonna get a perfunctory few months of babyface shine after losing Brodie Lee, but they’ve been leaning the dial closer towards “Lovable Dorks” than “Detested Cult” for like 6 months. Page agrees to decide his allegiance after next week’s match. 

 POP: Hail of Bullets

We get some INTERLEAGUE PLAY as the Good Brothers Gallows and Anderson get their first official match in AEW, teaming with Kenny Omega to take on the Varsity Blondes and Limelight.

This honestly warms my heart to see. AEW has been the first real competition to WWE since WCW and ECW, and they’re taking the strategy of the new millennium with them. Think what could’ve happened back in the 80’s, when Vince was consolidating his national power, if the territory members of the NWA had ACTUALLY collaborated to work against Vince? There were some attempts here and there, but they were all watered down by the same territorial bullshit. Bill Watts doesn’t want this guy to get over, Fritz Von Erich tells one of his doomed sons to no-sell one of Eddie Gilbert’s boys, Verne Gagne INSISTS the only true answer to Hulk Hogan is his 64 year old ass self. They were too busy fighting over scraps, and as a result, they were all destroyed by the conquering horde.

Look. I shit on WWE a lot on here. But let it be known, I am no WWE hater. I was never a WCW kid. I loved ECW, but that was due to proximity (growing up a mere 20 minutes from the hallowed ECW Bingo Hall and Shoe Outlet on Swanson and Ritner). WWE has always been my preferred flavor. But they fell out for me for 2 main reasons.

1. Dumbshit capitalism. I don’t mean this as in “The wrestlers should seize the means of production and execute Kevin Dunn.” (Though that wouldn’t be a terrible idea.) I mean the shittiest aspect of paranoid capitalism. Rather than putting on the best product, they threw money around and bought up all the talent they could, and squandered them. See; Shinsuke Nakamura, Sami Zayn, Kevin Owens, Kenta, Apollo Crews, Matt Riddle, Alister Black, etc. etc. etc. Some of those names have fared better than others, but they are ALL still backseated to whatever washed up 90s legend will pop the ratings for a week. It’s a disgusting tactic that stagnate the entire art of pro wrestling by breaking the ankles of some of the greatest minds of a generation. And why? Because god forbid one silver fucking nickel roll out the door and TNA gets instead of Vinny.

2. Okay, I pretty much encapsulated all of 2-in-1, but just how godawful the product has become without that competition. How many “Bobby Lashley’s Sisters” sketches do you need to watch to get the one cool thing that happens every 3 months in WWE?

Point is, AEW and Impact and NWA are playing it smart right now by collaborating and staying above the bullshit. AEW has been producing a far more compelling product since Day 1, and this recent development of working with other promotions only strengthens that product. New Japan is bound to come around eventually, which will only lead to even more collaboration. I’m not saying I NEED the smaller guys to drive WWE into the grave, that wouldn’t help the industry either. But it should definitely scare WWE into making a better product, which benefits everyone.

Oh, the match…  It was good. Thumb up.

This Week In Commercials 

ReputationDefender.com. I love nothing more (just an expression, I love many things more than cheesy commercials) than low quality advertising somehow making it to primetime. A man on a Zoom job interview (with the ACTUAL Zoom app featured, which I sure hope they had permission to use) has his reputation questioned with a brief Google search.

Unfortunately, the man is not a great actor, so when he says “Not that again! How does that keep coming up?” it really sounds like he is very badly defending himself. “We like you Gary, but Google says you were mugging children and telling them God wasn’t real.” “Whoa, Susan, it’s not what you think. Those kids were jerks.” This commercial airs roughly 37 times during this episode, so please enjoy and consider defending your reputation from (wink wink) false (wink) internet (wink wink) slanders. 

 

What?: The Waiting Room with Britt Baker 

Ooooh!  A Piper’s Pit! (wink) Coincidentally, this just so happens to be the 29thish year anniversary of Marty Jannetty jumping through the window of the Barber Shop to escape Shawn Michaels. 

I don’t really have any cohesive thoughts on this segment (It was a really strange tone.) So here’s just the best random bits:

Britt pulls a faux Oprah telling the crowd to look under the chairs…to find nothing.  (The most brutal present of all.)

Britt and Reba leading Cody in with sparklers (saying this is due to contractual obligations to have pyro on TNT). 

Britt gets the dig, “Congrats on the baby (that’ll probably have an action figure before me). 

A 2nd surprise guest Jade Cargill arrives. (Is Shaq the fireworks factory nobody ever wanted? Is this ever going to happen?) 

“You did your wife a huge favor, now she doesn’t have to be afraid of me. But when she returns, I’m gonna beat that ass.” 

Red Velvet shows up to…defend Cody’s honor? 

SLAPFIGHT! The all female wrestler audience intervenes and separates them. 

The clip of Britt attacking Thunder Rosa plays on the Khan Tron. Thunder Rosa appears via tape to insult Britt and her big news and accuses her of hiding behind her talk show. Feb 3. Beach Break. Thunder Rosa dn Diamante vs. Britt Baker and Reba. 

Britt panicks saying Tony said she didn’t have to wrestle her. 

That was weird and disjointed as fuck. 

POP: Jurassic Express (Stunt Boy) vs. FTR 

So, as much as I like Stunt Boy, this match should consist of FTR picking up Stunt like a wiffle ball bat and beating Jungle boy to death with his partner. That’s just a plain truth. 

Despite early offense, StunBoy pull of some great tagteam work together using some tandem offense and perfectly symmetrical violence. You see moonsaults so often, yet it’s still stunning to see a beautifully performed parabola moonsault. Jungle Boy performs a beautiful springboard off the middle rope to the outside. 

Stunt Boy get in a fair amount of offense. Jungle Boy is getting a little more impressive every time we see him, and he’s due for a big upset one of these days. It would be great to see him pull off a TNT championship shocker win one of these days. Stunt does what he can and keeps it believable. He gets hucked around the ring, but every now and again throws a killer ball shot to allow for big hits. (Am I the only one that just worries he’s gonna bump one day and all his limbs will pop off like a Mr. Potato Head?)

Tully earns his keep by interfering on Stunt (because they’re heels dammit! Just because they don’t HAVE to cheat isn’t any reason NOT to cheat!). Jungle Boy intervenes, which gives FTR the chance to knock him out at ringside. FTR do the Big Rig (RIP) and end it, knocking Stunt out for good. 

 

POP: Tay Conti w/ Anna Jay vs. Serena Deeb for NWA Women’s Championship

The still-mourning Dark Order walk her out to the ramp. 

Does Serena Deeb have a character? I realize she doesn’t even work here really, but she could use something. I just assume she’s still recovering her life after joining that CM Punk cult in 2010. (We’re ALL still recovering from following that guy.) 

Tay Conti gets Deeb in a leg triangle and starts throwing some killer elbows that look awesome. MMA’s rise in popularity has kind of ruined the mystique of professional wrestling a bit. We know what two people doing their best to hurt each other looks like, and it looks NOTHING like pro wrestling. (Forget wrestling, MMA EXTREMELY ruins the martial arts films of the 80’s and 90’s. A realistic “Mortal Kombat” kumite tournament would look much more like Scorpion and Sub Zero huffing and puffing in each other’s armpits, awaiting their “fatality” opportunity of…an armbar.) 

Wrestling is getting good at adding that MMA element though. Starting with the kicks era of ROH and now where Brock Lesnar’s signature move is a goddamn German suplex, it’s a nice thing to see the biz evolving to incorporate the latest in hurting people competition.

Deeb gets the win to the surprise of nobody. 

 

POP: Despite All My Rage, I Am Still Just Brian Cage (Ba-da-da-dah)

102 Pound difference. This is Darby’s first title defense. Cage comes out with Team Taz at ringside. I WONDER IF STING WILL SHOW UP!?!?! 

Two much more impressive than typical suicide dives as Darby dives first onto Cage’s neck as his back as turned, and second, when he dives straight into Cage’s waiting “Suplex Position” arms and gets dropped. 

HOLY SHIT! A corner gorilla press leads to a shocking and brutal vaulting of Allin through a ringside table (Turns out a table stop is STILL COOL when it hasn’t been done to death). Allin blades. Cage picks him up in the delayed suplex, CARRIES HIM UP THE FUCKING STEPS, before dumping him back into the ring. 

Darby Allin has the brightest tomato juice blood I’ve ever seen. Dude’s got a ton of spunk, grit, and, apparently, hemoglobin. 

Darby throws up a rebellious middle finger, leading Cage to shitcan him onto the ramp for the dozenth time.  

Cage is mauling Allin, but Allin just won’t. Stay. Down. 

Cage tries to take advantage with the Steel Steps when Allin comes alive! He bites Cage’s fingers to push him backwards off the apron onto the steps, leading to a gorgeous Coffin Drop to the outside.  (Captured here incredibly by Austin Gunn)

We get a teased count out of Cage, Allin goes for bites and ties Cage’s legs together. Cage gets out but Allin keeps up the momentum for shotgun drop kicks. Cage pushes Allin off with such authority, Allin lands on the top turnbuckle and does a Toadstool Stomp. Allin goes up again but gets stopped by Starks. LIGHTS OUT! I WONDER WHO COULD IT BE!? 

Here are this week’s options: 

1. Marty Jannetty, here to celebrate the anniversary of his Barbershop escape (and to add one more company’s burnt bridge to his portfolio). 

2. Brodie Jr. (Kids been getting too much attention, they MUST be setting up a heel  turn). 

3. Sting. 

Shocker of shocks, it’s Sting! He pops Starks with the baseball bat long enough for Allin to nail a crucifix bomb for the 1-2-3.  Are we ever going to dig into why Sting is helping Darby? It seems to dictate that one will have to turn on the other at some point, but that doesn’t feel right for either character. Will Darby be trained in “The Ways of the Sting?” (Or perhaps a fun Benjamin Button scenario where Allin STARTS as the black and white facepaint guy, and in 3 years he’ll have tassels and yin yang facepaint and a sweet Sgt. Pepper jacket!)

Anyway, that’s enough for this week.

Follow Jesse on Twitter @jessedraham and listen to the Kill Your Gods Podcast!

     

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