What’s up, smarks? Last time, we checked out Superbrawl IX, where DDP mooned Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash unmasked Rey Mysterio. Now that we’re done with Superbrawl, it’s time to look at the Nitro the night after.
BOTCH: Don’t Bury Your Own Product
We open up with a recap of last night’s events, in particular, the Hogan/Flair match. Mike Tenay says it must be “one of the most disappointing moments ever in professional wrestling.” Now, I know he’s talking about how he’s disappointed in David Flair for turning on his father, but it’s hard to hear this and not think, “You’re right, Mike. That was a disappointing main event with a disappointing finish”, despite Tony telling us it was “everything we expected it to be between two of the greats”.
Tony informs us he’s going to interview Ric and David later and it’ll be the first time they talked since last night. But before that, it’s time for a Nitro party. I was going to make this its own botch, but the same headline applies here, so read on.
Riki Rachtman, who you may know from… MTV? That’s gonna be a real disadvantage of me not being alive when these were filmed, having to look up pop culture references. Yeah, no idea who this guy is. Anyways, he says us Nitro fans are gonna get sick of him which, again, refer to the title of this portion.
I’m pretty sure Nitro parties have already been a thing before this – I know of them but I can’t remember if this is the inaugural one or not, but I’m pretty sure it’s not. Anyways, Nitro parties were basically just a bunch of college kids watching WCW and hooting and hollering whilst Nitro girls danced there. Yeah, what a hoot.
We then are shown the Nitro Girls engaging in spring break activities, and I’m sorry, but I watch a wrestling show for wrestling. I get it, this was hot at the time, again like the sex appeal of the ‘divas’ (how I hate that word in this context), it’s not for us smarks, it’s for sex appeal and horny teens, and it probably did good for ratings but these are reviews from the lens of a wrestling fan so of course I’m going to be hard on it, and not in the intended way.
Just when I thought it was over, the Nitro girls dance in the ring. I knew they danced at the beginning of the show, but in the ring? That’s not all, either – Tony informs us we’ll be getting the first ever Nitro girls swimsuit expose. Yay.
Lightning Round
These next few segments are either short or just not worth making their own points, so it’s a lightning round. Mike Enos and Jerry Flynn open. It’s a decent match, and I may as well get off all the little gripes with Nitro I have on my chest as they come. I could just be looking at the Attitude Era with rose tinted goggles and didn’t realize WWE already did it, but the Nitro commentary team to my understanding are the innovators of annoying commentary in that when calling a match, half of the match is promoting angles later on in the show or from the last show and half is actually calling the match. I get they want to hype things up, but they already do that in other places, so it’s just overkill and detracts from the in ring performers.
David Flair gives some wooden acting, hyping up his segment with Ric later. Booker T cuts an alright promo on Bret Hart, who he’s facing for a number one contender spot for the US title. We cut back to the Nitro party where Riki interviews a guy named Marco who I am only mentioning because his favourite wrestler is Rey Mysterio, so hell yeah.
Scott Norton is back. Vincent is the leader of the nWo elite. We then get a package on Steiner and DDP. Again, WCW REALLY don’t want you to forget the angles, which I guess will come in handy for me writing these columns later on.
POP: Everybody Hates Bam Bam
Bam Bam vs Van Hammer now. Bam Bam still has no music, which I thought was due to copyright or something because I know he has a WCW theme, but I guess this is just his gimmick now. Tony lets us know a new Konnan music video is dropping later in the show, and again reminds us of the Nitro girls swimsuit expose. (They REALLY don’t want you to forget.)
The crowd hates Bam Bam, between chanting Goldberg and yelling at him to get in the ring when he exits. They also chant Bam Bam sucks, which Van Hammer drinks in. Bam Bam even asks, “Who sucks?”, to which the fans reply with a booming “YOU!”
We also find out on commentary that Larry Zybysko is a terrible father.
“The face to face meeting with father and son! We never thought, ever, in our wildest dreams that it would ever come to that! And if we never thought that, imagine what’s going through the mind of Ric Flair right now!”
“It’s hard for me to imagine! I mean, it’s uh. That- that’s beyond me. I got four boys. I kicked two of em out now, and I’ll kick the other two out if they don’t listen!”
“You kicked two of your sons out of the house?”
“They’re old enough, get a job!”
“Well, you are a legend, in every walk of life!”
“At home, it’s my way or the highway!”
Back to the match, Bam Bam picks up the win. With his lack of music, he walks out to the boos of the fans. Fine match. It was a little long – it didn’t affect its pace, but considering this is just Nitro, I wish they gave some of that time to other segments to get the most out of their time.
BOTCH: Pump and Buff’s Excellent Adventure
Back to spring break shenanigans, Scott and Buff drive a bus down to Panama. Buff harrasses a woman working out, causing her to want to sleep with the both of them, of course. They then engage in one of the most piss poor two sweets I’ve seen, pictured above.
They then head to a club with crossdressers – it’s actually a gay club, because the woman tricked them! Cool that she was more than just a sex object and got one up on the boys, but the gay panic is not so cool.
They then walk into a Goldberg photoshoot, where Scott and Bill trade disparaging words. I also learn that Scott has been calling people fat before TNA, which shouldn’t surprise me, really, but it’s funny to see how some things never change.
BOTCH: And nWo, For Something Completely Different
Booker T and Bret Hart finally meet in ring after the teasing this episode. They start slow, which I’m leaves the commentary team elated as they get to spend more time making sure you don’t forget all the hot angles – a second can’t pass without them reminding you. By the way, be sure to call up the WCW hotline for more info.
I already mentioned it earlier as a joke and I was going to leave it at that, but Larry is seriously off this episode. He keeps hating the the world has changed and wants things to be like they were back in his day. Goddamn liberal children, thinking me hitting them is physical abuse! He’s his generation’s Jim Ross. Well, considering Jim’s on the rival show, I should specify I mean 2020 Jim Ross.
And oh my lord, just when the match starts to get going, there’s a disturbance in the satellite truck! I thought I was being harsh and exaggerating on how much WCW really doesn’t want you to pay attention to whatever’s in the ring, but you can’t make this shit up. Yeah, your Bret Hart and Booker T match is interrupted by DISCO INFERNO.
Rather than see the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be and a future 5 time WCW champ go at it in the ring, we get to watch Disco Inferno bribing a guy in the satellite truck so that the NWO can air their own stuff later.
The crowd is incredibly hot when Bret locks in the figure four, and for good reason – he makes Booker look amazing, the way he fights out of it. Booker T showboats, which I thought would cost him the match, but he reverses a sunset flip and is now the number 1 contender for the US title.
Similar mild complaint to the Bam Bam match, it went on a little long for a TV match. This one even more than that one felt like a pay-per-view match, especially with the stakes. It’s the fantasy booker in me, I think you should use your weekly show to show off plenty of guys with decent time for their matches.
POP: K Is For Kombat – I Meant Kaz
Is there such a thing as too much Disco Inferno? Of course not! Just after his hijacking of the last match, he’s here for a match with Kaz Hayashi who has Glacier’s gear due to Glacier having a garage sale. And they told me nothing worth watching happens on Thunder!
Since he’s facing an opponent not from America, Disco says this is an international competition and thus he wants to sing the national anthem. He’s actually not that bad compared to Le Resistance or the DX Band, but the production crew mutes his mic.
More shilling for the Nitro girls swimsuit expose and the Flair segments. Decent match, didn’t drag on. Disco picks up the win with a stunner.
BOTCH: nWo More, I’m Begging You
It turns out Hollywood has also told Brian Adams that he’s the man to lead the nWo elite, which he tells to Scott Norton – so Scott must know something’s up now, as do we. He also thinks he’s a future Wolfpac leader. We get more Nitro party antics. Y’know that’s the real thing the WWE was envious of. “Oh, God!” Vince exclaimed. “We don’t have RAW parties!”. Heenan got announcer of the year in the WCW/nWo magazine. Not much competition.
Scott Steiner, Buff and a woman from the crowd enter the ring. He brags about how badly he beat up DDP. He claims he has 30 days and 30 nights with Kimberly, but Tony alerts us that this is a falsehood. The music plays, but he says he’s not done. He says the nWo’s job is to put the WCW out of business, which I’m aware was their original goal, but it’s quite funny to hear with hindsight. He wants to fight Sting but he can’t, so he wants Goldberg.
BOTCH: Hugh Morris Shenanigans
Ralphus still has a dress, as does Jericho have his weird top. Jericho won the match at Superbrawl so I guess that is just a heat top and not meant to be a dress, I don’t know. He cuts a promo on Saturn. Hugh Morris has a dumb haircut. Also got a similar beard situation to Jerich’s ponytail. I’m not really sure big guys are interesting with Jericho, at least not your bog standard big guys.
Saturn does the dress spot on Ralphus again, to further that feud I guess. Hugh wins it with the No Laughing Matter. Saturn didn’t really wanna help Hugh, though, so he tells him to meet him in the ring and they exchange strikes. We have a clip of Hennig and Windham backstage with the tag belts. Malenko and Benoit attack them with said belts.
POP: 1, 2, 3, Kid.
Nash comes to the ring with Rey’s mask on his head, and Luger and Elizabeth. You can also see a sign in the back which says ‘HEY YO MYSTERIO, KNOW WONDER YOU WORE A MASK”. You know Stevie Wonder? You should introduce me some time.
Anyways, Luger said his crew watched the match back and saw that Hall interfered, which he’s against because the nWo is all about fair play. He offers Rey his mask back because of this.
Rey comes out and I think Bobby says something racist but I can’t quite catch what he’s saying. Rey says it’s not about the mask anymore, and he just wants to fight. I actually thought there was no way Rey was gonna win, but he did, which is a nice surprise.
Lightning Round Pt 2
Backstage, Horace tells Scott he’s the man. You know the deal. Hennig and Windham come out to celebrate winning the titles, Mean Gene asks if they want to give a rematch to the horsemen, they say no. Scott Norton is finally sick of all the “the mans” he’s encountering and asks Hollywood what’s up. Hollywood says they’ve made a lot of mistakes in finding the leader, but now SCOTT is the de facto man. What a thrilling arc with astounding payoff.
The Cat slowly comes out. Not as in he has an Undertaker entrance, but it takes him forever to actually get his ass in the ring. He’s annoyed he has Glacier’s music even though he bought it from Glacier. We cut back to the nWo Elite watching, because he’s calling Scott out.
They have a match, Norton wins. Cat actually did better than I thought, but it was all in vain.
BOTCH: Two Very Big Men
Scott enters with Buff, who asks to cut the music to cut a promo. He says not to bother since Goldberg isn’t here. Scott still wants to fight, though, asking someone from the crowd to step in the ring.
Those two turn out to be wrong as Goldberg struts dowzn the entrance. I always wondered if the sparklers in his entrance felt warm. My apologies for shitting on the man again, but I forgot to mention last time another thing I hate about Goldberg is the silly faces he does and him hitting his own head – and I’m not even talking about when doors are involved.
Buff fetches the wirecutters again, and throws the ref out. Rick Steiner clotheslines Buff and Scott. Ref gets up, DQ, now the nWo Elite come out. Rick and Goldberg knock them out, and I guess next week’s main event is set.
Finally, The Nitro Girls Swimsuit Expose
No. I’m not covering it. This edition is already laden with botches, so you can guess what I rate this segment. Anyways, Disco is in the production truck again trying to get the production guy to pirate the airwaves but he’s having second thoughts.
Tony is about to do the interview with Ric. We then cut instead to clips of Torrie flirting with David. Disco, I think, is doing a Mean Gene riff. Then it’s Kevin Nash as Arn Anderson. Then Hall is Roddy Piper. Then Hogan is Ric. Someone else is in the background trying to put on a mascot costume or something?
It’s vaguely funny on paper and you get a laugh or two from Hogan and Nash, but overall it’s just dogshit. Wanna know what’s happening over on Raw? Taker burning a teddy bear that means something to Vince, as the backdoor pilot for Stephanie to debut. But instead we have this to close the show which is an absolute knee-slapper.
Like I said before, I’m seeing this stuff for the first time. It’s to my understanding WCW is on a nosedive so I really hope I don’t offend anyone by being so negative on the product – I want to have fun, but when you look at what the WWF is putting on and flip the channel back to TNT, it’s quite obvious which I’d rather watch.
That’s all for this week. Join us next time where we have Hugh Morrus vs Perry Saturn. And the tag match I prophesied. Wow, real barn burner next week. Jesus.
