Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Albert shocked the system, Brock Lesnar stayed home, Billy Kidman continued to roll, Cena got choked the fuck out, Kurt Angle survived a molten Fatal Four-Way, Dawn Marie most likely pressured Torrie Wilson to have sex with her and Bill DeMott was also there! You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re just days away from Armageddon, daddy! Next Big Thing!
SLIGHT BOTCH: B-2 to You, Too
Tonight marks the in-ring debut of John Cena’s big caucasian lackey, B². Oh, I’m sorry, “B-Two”. Chimel calls him that by mistake, I assume, but Cole and Tazz just go with it, probably cause they forgot who this guy is. “B-Two” sounds extremely stupid, but I suppose it makes more sense than “B-Squared”. Mathematically speaking, it should be “2B”, but then I’d be forced to make jokes about pencils and Japanese video games. As you’d expect, B² is wrestling Rikishi tonight. Man, it’s such a shame Rikishi didn’t turn heel and join Cena’s gang. He and Bull could’ve gone after the tag titles, call themselves “R2/B2”.
Now that I’ve filled my quota of terrible jokes for this segment, let’s talk about Rikishi vs Bull Buchanan. Bull’s gimmick is that he’s big, but he’s also very agile. He hits a pretty impressive springboard clothesline in the early goings, and I think that’s the only move he lands all match. Cena distracts the ref, allowing B² to low blow Rikishi during a Stinkface attempt, and then B² distracts the ref, allowing Cena to run in and chain-punch Kishi for the pinfall. Sometimes, you just can’t beat The Damned Numbers Game, no matter how fat your ass is.
BOTCH: Careless Whispers
After the gratuitous lesbian hotel room event last week, it appears Dawn Marie’s been spreading some nasty rumors about Torrie Wilson backstage. Unlike most workplace rumors, however, they had a TV cameraman recording the whole thing, so I’m pretty sure it stops being a rumor at that point. Torrie heads to the women’s locker room to find that jezebel Dawn Marie and give her what for. She tells Dawn what happened in that hotel room was just between the two of them. And also that camera crew that recorded all of it for the pre-taped wrestling program. Wrestling cameras are really funny in that they only exist once the characters decide to acknowledge them. Dawn feels her camera sense tingling, so she undresses, and Torrie asks her to hold up her end of the deal and call off the wedding with Al.
Instead of finding Al backstage and talking things out in private, like an adult, she heads to the ring and calls him out. SmackDown, baby! We never let a bad segment go to waste! Dawn confesses to the rumors and, as usual, Al looks like he doesn’t know where he is or what he’s doing. Dawn Marie, bless her heart, does not have the acting chops for these segments. Even though Dawn, I need to stress this, coerced his daughter into having sex with her, Al refuses to call off the wedding, because… because he’s a terrible person, I guess. They go “yeah fuck it let’s get married anyways” and Torrie runs down to beat Dawn up. But hold onto your hats, because Dawn promises to air their sex tape live on PPV this Sunday at Armageddon! Call your cable provider! What the fuck!
SLIGHT BOTCH: Punching Below Your Weight
Bill DeMott, who is, quote, “very intense!”, goes one-on-one with a reappearing Shannon Moore. Just be careful not to pick on someone your own size, Billy. We haven’t seen Shannon since he got converted into Matt Hardy’s religion over a month ago, but I’m sure he stayed busy stacking up losses on Velocity. No mention of Shannon’s Mattitude or lack thereof; he doesn’t even get an entrance. Man, we JUST had a match to determine the lowest-tiered Cruiserweight in the division LAST WEEK and in comes this loser to fuck up the rankings.
DeMott hits a gnarly pop-up powerbomb and wins with a Moonsault in short order. You can almost hear a very faint “Goldberg” chant, but no crowd cares about Bill DeMott enough to taunt him for more than two seconds. He even does the whole “stare into the horizon” bit after the pinfall to put over how unhinged and over the edge he is. You’re a glorified gym teacher, Bill, don’t try to be Patrick Bateman. As for Shannon Moore, boy, Shannon Moore sucks! Maybe he should give that North Carolina weirdo a call sometime…
LITERAL BOTCH: Whose Tag Was It Anyway?
Tag team titles on the line as Los Guerreros battle the very slapdash team of Billy Kidman and Chris Benoit (team name: “Kid & Man”). This match makes little sense, considering Kidman and Benoit aren’t an actual tag team, nor are they friends, nor are they even morally aligned. In fact, the only time I’ve seen them interact was Benoit tapping out Billy to advance in the tag tournament back in October. Still, it makes some sense, I suppose, since Kidman and Benoit defeated both tag champions separately last week. Some neat week-to-week programming, and we’re getting a solid defense while we’re at it.
Oh, I forgot to mention, we got Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero coming up at Armageddon. Benoit eliminated Eddie in the Four-Way, then Eddie got Benoit eliminated, pretty straightforward stuff. It’ll be our first Eddie/Benoit singles so far, so I’m pumped! Guerreros vs. Kidman & Benoit should be yet another in a long line of pretty good tag matches, and that’s what it is… somewhat. I mean, it’s Benoit, Kidman, Eddie and Chavo, there’s no way it’s gonna be bad. But boy, if this match doesn’t suffer from a goddamn conga line of hiccups.
For starters, Eddie does the old “fake a tag” spot (when you clap so the ref hears it and thinks you tagged) IN FULL VIEW OF THE REFEREE. Oh, and then Benoit gets maybe the sloppiest hot tag I’ve ever seen: Kidman powerbombs Eddie, slowly lumbers back to his corner, and tags Chris in. Since Eddie’s, y’know, powerbombed, Benoit has to get him back up, shove him into the corner and veeeeery awkwardly lock him in a Crossface seconds before the commercial break. Back from the break, Eddie and Chavo (or The Jackals, as Cole calls them every two sentences) continue to beat on Kidman, and Benoit gets another hot tag. This one’s actually pretty damn good, but the ref doesn’t see it. Instead of arguing about the minutia of tag team wrestling, Benoit runs in, suplexes the shit out of the Guerreros and lands a diving headbutt. The ref counts the pin for Benoit, even though he’s not the legal man.
Benoit quickly locks Chavo in the Crossface and Kidman heads up top to hit the SSP on Eddie, but the champ moves out of the way. While Benoit’s busy Crossfacing Chavo, Eddie… pins Kidman with his feet on the ropes. This would be a pretty good finish if it wasn’t for the fact that BENOIT DIDN’T TAG BACK OUT. I know reffing a tag match is hard work but goddamn Mike Chioda did not give a shit here, huh. Eddie vs. Benoit should be great, let’s just hope they don’t slip on any banana peels this Sunday.
???: La Cosa Nostra
Jamie Noble, possibly reinvigorated after Shannon Moore proved to be the worst Cruiserweight around, gets another shot at Crash tonight. You know you’re at an all-time low when you’re campaigning to beat 2002 Crash Holly. Jamie promised to bring in Cousin Nunzio, but he’s nowhere to be seen. Since Jamie kinda sucks, he almost loses to Crash Holly in about two minutes before this Waylon Mercy lookin’ dude runs out for the DQ. And, since it was DQ, Jamie’s losing streak continues. Nidia is not pleased.
This little guy is Cousin Nunzio, AKA ECW’s Little Guido Maritato. Guido was one of the founding members of the Full-Blooded Italians, a group made mostly out of people who were obviously not Italian. Nunzio is to the FBI what Ric Flair is to the Four Horsemen, but for the moment, he’s just Jamie’s cousin. So yeah, we got a short, trailer park hick, his girlfriend, and his mobster cousin, who’s also short. I’m not sure I get the point of this gimmick. I’m guessing the joke here is that Jamie’s backup is another small man, but it just feels like they’re pairing Jamie up with some random Cruiserweight. Unlike his previous partnership with Tajiri, where Jamie was paired up with some random Cruiserweight. Well, here you go: Jamie and Nunzio. Watch out, world.
POP, I GUESS?: Disclosure
After a whole-ass month of contractual suspense, Scott Steiner FINALLY signs with SmackDown. And all it took was a little convincing. Honestly I don’t know how to feel about this. On one hand, I’d get to write about Scott Steiner, on the other, I’d have to write about Scott Steiner. Stop the presses, though: Steiner doesn’t sign. He grabs a mic and reveals that, despite what it may seem, Stephanie DIDN’T have sex with him. “YOU DIDN’T SCREAM BOOM SHALA LAKA, YOU DIDN’T HOOOOWL AT THE MOOOON!”, he states. Steiner shoots his shot once again but Stephanie turns him down, given that they’re in the middle of a SmackDown segment. Steph tells him her promise was more of a “signing bonus”, so Scott picks her up like a caveman and lays her flat on the table in the middle of the ring.
Why wait? My freaks are watching, they like watching. Right there’s the video camera! Let’s make our own home movie…
This man deadass trying to bone his boss on national broadcast, good god. Also, apparently his freaks are voyeurs? Does “freak” mean fan or is he talking about the other ladies he bangs? I’m a little rusty on my Freakzilla nomenclature. This segment is uncomfortable on so many levels, but I’m only giving it a Pop because any segment featuring Scott Steiner and a microphone gets a Pop. Obviously, Stephanie refuses to have sex with Scott Steiner, partly because she’s seeing someone else, partly because she’s on TV, and partly because Scott’s a bag of muscle, veins and rage. The crowd chants “slut”, because they’re very well adjusted. Steiner calls her a tease and refuses to sign, and just like that, Big Poppa Pump is Raw exclusive. See you on PPV, Scotty.
SLIGHT POP: The Albert Express
Earlier in the show, Kurt Angle asked Brock Lesnar to be in his corner for the title match this Sunday. If Brock helps Angle out, he gets first dibs as challenger. Brock said “idk maybe”. I’m bringing it up as an aside because this segment was left out of the WWE Network upload, for some reason. Since Brock’s been a good boy for a whole entire week, Stephanie has decided to lift Brock’s suspension at Armageddon. According to her, any time Brock doesn’t show up, she loses money. I’m not sure I’d be saying that in front of a bunch of TV cameras, but no matter. Brock’s coming back, and Heyman, in his brand-new MJF scarf, yells about it like the weird little baseball cap banshee he is.
So, with that out of the way, Big Show and Albert vs. Kurt Angle and Edge in our main event tonight. Two things. One: Albert’s heinous attack last week forced Rey to go through knee surgery, so say goodbye to Rey for a bit. Don’t worry, he’ll be back before you know it. He’s had surgery five times in his left knee, what’s one more? Second: Albert’s going by “A-Train” now. I guess he realized you’re not gonna get your name on a marquee when your name is literally just “Albert”. Anyways, the match! You gotta respect the fact that SmackDown’s heading into Armageddon with three feuds (Eddie/Benoit, Angle/Show, Edge/Train) and they set them all up last week. Like, we gotta get all this build outta the way NOW. They’re simple feuds: Edge hates A-Train, but he’s working injured. Angle can’t just outwrestle Show, but he’s counting on Brock. And there should be some animosity between Edge and Angle, but they seem to be getting along just fine.
Speaking of fine, this match is alright! My biggest issue is Heyman’s shrieking on the outside, which is REALLY starting to wear thin. A-Train re-injures Edge behind the ref’s back, leaving Angle alone to play underdog. And when you think about it, Angle’s the perfect underdog for a guy like Show: He’s quick, he’s powerful, and his submission finisher could tap anyone out. He gets the hot tag and hits the Angle Slam on Show to a gigantic pop, but Heyman hops on the apron. That’s enough for Show to no-sell Angle’s finisher, and Kurt walks right into a very anticlimactic Chokeslam for the three. Flat finish, sure, but Angle vs. Show has a chance to be a lot of fun come Sunday. I’m not saying it will be, I’m just saying, there’s a chance. Make me proud, SmackDown, I’m counting on you.
And that’s our show! Join us next time for Armageddon, featuring:
- Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero
- Kane vs. Batista
- Edge vs. A-Train, shown here displaying his trademark finger guns
- Booker T & Goldust vs. William Regal & Lance Storm vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Chris Jericho & Christian, Fatal Four-Way Elimination match for the World Tag Team Championships
- Trish Stratus vs. Jacqueline vs. Victoria, Triple Threat Match for the Women’s Championship
- Kurt Angle vs. Big Show, WWE Championship
- …And Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels, in a Three Stages of Hell Match for the World Heavyweight Championship. It’s gonna be 40 minutes, isn’t it?
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
