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Pops & Botches: AEW Dynamite – 10.7.2020

AEW Dynamite Pops & Botches

 

Hey! I hope y’all are ready for this analysis of a long-awaited showdown between an incumbent champion figurehead of a disastrous cult and a young upstart challenger that’s probably in over their head.

But enough about the vice presidential debate, let’s talk about AEW Dynamite!

(Groan all you want, I regret nothing…)

POP: Who’s the Hoss? Will Hobbs vs. Brian Cage for the FTW Championship

Matches like this are why people still call wrestling gay. “Oh, you just love watching these big hulking slabs of muscle trying to mount and rub up against each other?” And I speak for all of you when I give a resounding, “Yes. Yes I do. The more grease-slathered man-meat the better.” These are two big boulder fellas colliding in ways that make a physicist sweat. Lots of power moves, double clotheslines, “unstoppable force/immovable object” spots.

Hobbs is still new, so of course Cage wins. Starks comes out for some teased post-match violence, but is cut off as Taz hops on the mic. He gives Hobbs the option to join up or get blasted. Thankfully, Darby Allin hops out to save the day and sends Team Taz to the back.

POP: 30 years of C-level Celebrity Endorsements

Let’s just get all these laid out now.  During the course of the show we hear from the following Jericho associates on how great he is. Listed here in their entirety.

-Slash

-Tanahashi

-Dennis Miller (TF?) “I haven’t seen a Judas Effect that brutal since Quisling was chased out of Norway!”

-Ted Jericho Sr.

 

  • -Paul Stanley, dressed as a rock n’ roll Grandma about to haul ass to Lollapalooza

-Bully Ray, drinking down the bubble-ay

-Shaquille O Neal, clearly thinking this is just a Cameo submission

-Lance Storm

-Kevin Smith

-Gene Simmons looking like the Crypt Keeper fresh from plastic surgery

-Don Callis

-Horror director Eli Roth

-“Fluffy” Gabriel Iglesias and Chavo Guerrero Jr.

-Steel Panther (Speaking of rock and roll Grandmas)

 

-Ultimo Dragon

-DDP

-Lars Ulrich, saying “30 years” roughly 74 times, falling more off rhythm every time he says it, much like his drumming.

-MJF

Out of all the Jericho tributes of the night, MJF shockingly swerves us by being simultaneously interesting and touching.

“People say never meet your heroes, I disagree.  First I spoke to Jericho was after Double or Nothing, right after my first brush with being a superstar.  Chris walked up to me and said ‘You’ve really got something. Keep it up, don’t stop, keep studying, and don’t be afraid to pick and take little nuances from people you look up to.’ I took my index finger, pointed it at Chris’s chest, and Chris smiled.  As our friendship blooms more each week, how inspired I am by you. And I just may be down there later to cheer you on”

Actually kind of touching here from MJF.  A perfect line walk between the MJF sucking up to Jericho storyline, along with seemingly genuine thanks to a legend in the business and a clear personal idol to MJF.

AEW: Wrestle Hard. Feel Harder.

(It’s gonna be so great when MJF wins Jericho over only to smash a Fozzy Gold Record* over his head)

((LOL, no, Fozzy absolutely does not have any gold records, a fact MJF will most certainly bring up))

POP: Hybrid2 vs. FTR

Another edition of a Brush With Greatness™ (they could use an actual brush as a prop, just saying) 20 minute time limit with FTR. Angelico and Evans are fantastic opponents for FTR, as I always preferred FTR’s pick-apart southern style works best against their polar opposites who are all flips, no fists. You know what stops a flippy guy dead in his tracks? Stomping his fucking knee at every opportunity. (Can we curse here?  I’m still new.) This is actually played out beautifully when Evans goes for a top turnbuckle maneuver only to under rotate and land flat on his ass.

Shout out to Dax’s killer mocking lame white spinaroonie taunt. I repeat from last week, THERE IS NO GREATER WRESTLING INSULT THAN HALF-ASSING AN OPPONENT’S SIGNATURES. You can beat Stephanie McMahon with a flaming cattle prod, but you will never see HHH take more umbrage than if you half ass a water bottle spew.

FTR wraps it up with a superplex/splash combo. I realize it’s still too early, but it’s gonna pop the f*ck off the first time an opponent is beating them only for the time limit to end at a 2-count. Perhaps it will be the Young Bucks, who pop up several times in this match backstage, staring at a monitor at varying uncomfortable angles (ala WWE), even taking the tribute to the post-match where they engage in the SECOND most venomous wrestling insult: HUMILIATING PHOTOSHOP! In this case, portraying FTR as two anthropomorphic hot dogs. Weenies, as OC said last week. Young Bucks also superkick the cameraman, because Tony Khan is too chickenshit to suspend them.

Ah, I was wrong, it was the Best Friends with the photoshop skills! They come out wearing the weenies shirts (available now on AEW Shop! I think?) and challenge FTR again to a match next week on the first anniversary of Dynamite in a Fatal Frankenfurter match! I wonder who will be the wieners?

Satisfying yet meh?: Dog Collar Match for TNT Championship

Brodie Lee (c) vs. Cody Rhodes

 

Check out Greg the Hammer in the crowd! He’s finally grown into that face of his and looks like a blonde Meat Loaf (if he’d been less operatic and more…Rhythm and Blues). Greg el Hammer of course had a legendary dog collar match with Rowdy Roddy Piper, who is clearly a coward to not also show up to honor this historically significant event and…. I just made myself sad.

They surprisingly do a TON of stalling. The clip I watched, at least a quarter of the run-time was the introductions and chaining ceremony. P.S. Can we make all Cody matches dog-collar matches to cover up the neck tattoo abomination?  I know I beat that horse into the next life, but it is so distractingly ugly. Especially considering how understated and elegant that “Dream” tattoo across his heart is.

While we were all expecting blood, if you bet on John Silver to be the first gusher you made a hell of a bet. On the first square up, Cody rushes Brodie with the balled up chain only for Brodie to slide and Silver takes the brunt and comes up bloody.

First great chain spot, Cody runs up to the top turnbuckle for a moonsault and Brodie just yanks him to the mat like a bag of shit. Brodie drags him out of the ring and yanks him up, atomic drop style, only to grab the back of Cody’s head and just bash him against the ring apron (The Hardest Part of the Ring™). This would’ve been a good point for Cody to start bleeding.  Instead we wait several minutes and he clearly gigs himself while Brodie is shouting at Anna Jay to get John Silver to the back. Literal “misdirection-via-my-lovely-assistant” magic stuff here, but it’s fine. Cody still bleeds like a Rhodes and is only energized by his sudden un-dashing-ness.

Brodie tries to put Cody through a table at ringside, only for Cody to yank Brodie off the ring apron into a cutter. Cody takes a few attempts trying to put Brodie through the table before getting him in a package piledriver straight through. This splits Brodie open and has him wearing the crimson mask.

Brodie hucks a chair at Arn which causes him to come in and give one of the Dark Order a spine buster, only for Brodie to bop him with the chain. Cody does that gnarly visual of wrapping Brodie’s face several times in the chain until he looks like a straight-to-DVD Hellraiser knockoff. A Cross Rhodes later (that Brodie’s sell oddly made him look like he reversed it?) and CODY WINS IT!

Overall a pretty good match, hurt only by the fact that it was on free TV. It was a lot of fun, but some of the…I guess “importance” of the moment is lost in the lack of PPV and the lack of build.  Rhodes just got back from injury and grabbed his belt back, and it works, but doesn’t really feel earned.

Luckily, we get some movement going when OC comes out to lay the challenge for the belt next week during the anniversary. I know he just won it, but I wouldn’t mind Cody losing right away to OC and going through a bit more of a crisis to re-earn the Rhodes determination and fire.  Moreover, who doesn’t want to see Orange Cassidy lackadaisically drag a belt behind him down the ramp?

AEW Championship Tournament

We get the announcement of names added to the upcoming 8-man number one contender tournament, including Jungle Boy, Rey Fenix, Kenny Omega, Wardlow, Colt Cabana, Hangman Page, culminating at Full Gear on November 7.

We hop back to Alex Marquez interviewing Kenny on the subject, who is excited to be back to his glory of singles competition. Alex brings up that he may come up against Hangman, whom Omega dismisses as a “Tag team wrestler, flirting with a singles run.” OUCH. “I don’t even care if he’s a COWBOY!” Ya know, American wrestling has been sorely missing “Jilted Lover” style soft heel-turns.

SPEAKING OF HEELS

BOTCH: AllEliteHeels.com

Excalibur announces a new communion for female wrestling fans, AEW Heels!  …Because women love shoes!…Little on the nose, but okay. Hey, I’m glad a company is going out of their way to ensure female fans can have their own space for their own fandom, even if its particulars are more than a little vague.  Certainly better than WWE begging fans to stand up for unfair labor practices.  Let’s go check this out.

Okay. 50 bucks for…something. Well, uh…I guess it’s cheaper than an actual set of heels?  They’ve got that going for them, right?

Perfectly Serviceable: Big Swole vs. Serena Deeb

Once again the inadequacy of the Pops y Botches layout is revealed.  This match was fine. Just fine. Big Swole gets the W and looks impressive.  Serena gets CALLED one of the greats, but she is inserted into the role that any halfway decent wrestler could’ve filled, complete with indistinguishable purple gear.  It’s just heatless, no story, perfectly competent wrestling.  Now, throw a DOG COLLAR in there, and baby, you got a stew going.

BOTCH: Production Miscues

I gotta botch something.  Literally every single time they have to throw to a backstage interview or pre-recorded package, there’s a good 5 second segue where the separate audio tracks bleed into each other. For example, this Jon Moxley promo where Jon’s voice sounds like the ghost of Hamlet’s father in Jon’s own head. It seems nitpicky, but it’s literally every single segment. UNPAID COLLEGE STUDENT GETTING SCHOOL CREDIT THAT I’M CHOOSING TO BLAME FOR EVERY PRODUCTION SNAFU: DO YOUR F**RING JOB!

The promo’s fine, blah blah, “You don’t beat Lance Archer, you SURVIVE Lance Archer” thing we’ve heard a few times now. This has been the inverse of the Dog Collar match, which didn’t have enough build, and Moxley Archer has just been too much.

POP: XXX Years…Nice: Dr. Luther and Serpentico vs. Jericho and Hager

Jericho charity-case Dr. Luther and children’s birthday party Sauron (Serpentico) face off against Jericho and Hager, clearly a requested match by Jericho to take it easy on his big night.

I shit on Serpentico plenty, but let it be known it’s only for his lame mask.  He’s showing a lot of energy and urgency in there, making it look like he wants to win, throwing everything he has at Jericho when he gets the chance.

Luther hops in for wacky uncle shenanigans. (See his red striped Wicked Witch socks and bloody smiley faces on his knees…BECAUSE HE’S CRAZY DONCHAKNOW?!) There is a decent moment where Jericho nails the Lionsault on Luther and commentary mentions how it Jericho’s long-time friend Luther that first suggested adding the Lionsault to his repertoire. Little things to remind us of the long detailed history of these guys and it goes a long way.

They tease Luther actually pulling off the win (LOL) only for Sammy to distract him long enough for Jericho to nail the Judas Effect and put the cap on thirty years.

Jericho is about to start a speech, only to be interrupted by MJF, who immediately asks for his own music to be cut.  He says he is out here to pay respect to Jericho, accompanied by Wardlow and somebody wearing funny shoes under the a sheet, and somewhere deep inside me a young mark thinks, “Is Yurple the Clown All Elite?”

MJF says it is Gift o’Clock and counts down to the big unveiling….Clownicho Le Clown? Who is holding another present, which is…MJF stops Chris from opening, saying, first, Sammy, your jacket is coming. Second, next week, MJF will be making a career defining announcement, and he wants Jericho there.

The gift is revealed to be a framed portrait of MJF! Which Jericho smashes over Clownicho’s head and then just DESTROYS the poor clown’s face with a Judas Effect. Jericho teases turning on MJF, but it turns out he was just kidding, and this was just good-natured clownicide. The credits roll SNL Style (with all credits from Director to Catering as “Chris Jericho”) as the ring is filled with well-wishers, bubbly, and the corpse of a murdered clown.  A feel-good wrestling moment if there ever was one.

That’s all for this week! We’ll see you next week at the 1-year Dynamite-oversary. Follow Jesse @JesseDraham on the things, watch his comedy on YouTube, and listen to his literary podcast, “I Hate Infinite Jest”

     

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