Hello and Welcome to AEW All Out! My name is Jesse Draham, I’m a stand up comic, podcaster, and long-time wrestling fan.
This is my first assignment for Steel Ring Post, and I aim to bring you the best wrestling analysis a 30-something man on a 15-year-old laptop can bring you!
My uncle was a former president of the NWA, and I wrestled one professional match for Philadelphia’s AWFUL Wrestling as “The Body Shamer” before my lower back and lacking talent retired me forever.
Please be patient with me as I jumble together dick jokes and wait for a format/style to coagulate out of this muck.
Buy In: Janela (w Sonny Kiss) vs. Serpentico (w Dr. Luther)
I know very little about Serpentico aside from his wrist mounted streamer ejaculator and his mask looks like Lord Sauron’s indie fed doppleganger. This would make Dr. Luther the Mouth of Sauron, if only we’d been so fortunate that he’d been left on the cutting room floor as well.
I’ve seen some of his Japanese stuff, and it’s good, but it kinda goes out the window once he puts on the basketball shorts and sleeveless shirt. Act “crazy” all you like, Luther, I know a try hard drunken uncle when I see one. (Or five. Yay Irish Catholic reproduction!) Janela picks up the duke via his finisher, “Making Wacky Cross Eyes At The Camera”.
Buy In: Dark Order 3 and 4 vs. Private Party
Isiah Kassidy does the best hip toss in the business. I say this with the full confidence of someone who will have no repercussions for his hubris. (Why is it called the hip toss when it’s hooked on the arm? I get the power fulcrum is the hip, but it’d be like calling the clothesline the “hip pivot”.)
It is so nice seeing somewhat of a crowd at a wrestling show. Moreover, to HEAR a crowd. DarkOrder#3 playing to the crowd for boos between kicks felt so good hearing the reaction. This is of course as opposed to WWE’s Thunderdome miasma of static non-responsive crowd noise that sounds less like a rapt audience and more the collective murmurings at a farmer’s market.
Beautiful false-finish clusterfuck leading into a Private Party win with the Gin & Juice.
POP: Britt Baker vs. Big Swole – Tooth & Nail Match
It was reported Britt Baker vs. Big Swole would be on the Buy In show, but surprise surprise, actually opened the show! Reportedly, fan backlash and criticism were high enough to warrant moving it to the main show. And the fans gratefully responded with a resounding….”Meh.”
I’m actually pretty surprised by the polarized reaction to this match. It’s in the cinematic style of Quarantine Money in the Bank, downscaled to a small dentist office. This gives us not only the benefit of something different on the card, but enables BBMD to avoid any bad bumps while she continues to recuperate. I enjoyed the contest very much for what it was, but plenty of fans seem to have taken a massive dump on it.
I hereby submit the details (which MAY read as just assorted notes of things I like, yet I assure you has been heavily curated) that won my favor:
- Swole wearing a BLM armband
- The ref asking for (and receiving!) the bell in this strip mall dental office
- DOZENS OF THOSE TOY CHATTERING TEETH ON SHELF! (I popped hard for this, as these weird tchotchkes somehow were in every piece of children’s entertainment in the early 90s)
- Britt gently hitting Swole her with her framed diploma, exploding glass everywhere
- DENTAL EQUIPMENT BRAWL
- Reba – “Say hi to Mrs Thirsty!” with the dental water thing.
- Britt goes after Swole’s mouth with an industrial power drill.
- Goes to stab Swole with Novocaine only for Swole to grab it and stick it into Britt’s leg LEGIT NEEDLE GROSS.
- LOL to Reba yelling “You stabbed her!” despite that being precisely what Britt was attempting to do to Swole.
- Swole asks Reba to hold the framed diploma before punching her through it, pictured here.
- Britt’s leg is asleep from Novocaine.
- On the nitrous (JR) “I LOVE THAT STUFF! Now picturing JR as Frank in Blue Velvet and hearing his Oklohoman accent say “Baby wants to fuck!”
- Swole wins by nitrous oxide. Which is exactly how Frank Gotch first won the title in 1898.*
* Google has a known “anti-wrestling-fact” bias.
BOTCH: Jurassic Express vs. Young Bucks
Not really a botch, just a lukewarm match on a night of metaphorical and actual heat, just kinda stuck together for the show. Rumor has it this match’s inclusion is precisely what lead to the backlash which lead to the main card Britt Baker and Swole match. Which stands to reason, given that the women’s match was getting bumped to the main for this heatless, essentially-exhibition match.
Bucks do GREAT work keeping Jungle Boy away from the tag, superkicking Luchasaurus before he can get the tag. Many commenters have said this is the most star-worthy Jungle Boy has yet appeared, and I’m inclined to agree. Good ol’ Jungle Jack Boy Perry Boy continues to warm on me.
The announcers can not shut up about Luchasauruses Flexibility. We get it, it’s still a new product, you never know who’s new and needs it pointed out to them. But it does get a smudge tedious to repeatedly hear, “HE’S A DINOSAUR AND HE’S FLEXIBLE. YOU WOULDN’T EXPECT A 6’5″ MAN TO BE SO FLEXIBLE AND ALSO A DINOSAUR. HE’S SO FLEXIBLE HE CAN ACCOMMODATE DINNER DATE PLAN CHANGES AT THE DROP OF A BRONTOSAURUS.” Just rename him YogaSaurus and let’s be done with it.
For my griping, he still absolutely earns the accolades with a springboard into the crowd that no dinoman that size has any business doing. Unfortunately, this is the team’s undoing. While he’s out, the Young Bucks pick the bones of Jungle Boy, with a superkick (kickout) before killing him with the BTE Trigger.
BOTCH: The Overly Convoluted Rules to Relate The Event Minimally to Gambling Which Worked Much Better When The Event Was Happening In Las Vegas Casino Battle Royal
It has 21 participants and 4 suits and will be living with it’s children due to squandered retirement funds GAMES OF CHANCE ROULETTE FIGHT BUFFET!
One of the bigger stories coming out of this fight is the debuting Will Hobbs, who makes a great showing, eliminating some biggies and going toe-to-toe with some other established stars. He also plays a part in another debut. Hey, who’s this coming out at 21?
LITERAL BOTCH: Matt SlipDal
Rough start for Matt Sydal in #AEW pic.twitter.com/ZA0LOsMmmV #AEWDynamite
— NoDQ.com: #WWE #WWEClash 2020 news (@nodqdotcom) September 6, 2020
Poor Matt Sydal makes the worst botch at the worst time, his debut AEW appearance. He comes straight in for the AirBourne or whatever he calls his shooting star press these days (SydalSault?) and immediately slips and throws himself onto his brainstem. For whatever reason, his right foot slips, not even as he’s jumping, but as he’s squatting to make the jump. Replays showed, as he was pushing off, he’d already been falling for half a second and hadn’t realized. Somewhere, the Shockmaster feels a breeze tickle behind his ear and doesn’t know why.
In case you didn’t know, ever since it was injured in a car accident, Sydal’s foot has become sentient and been trying to destroy his career for years.
Shawn Spears plays the smart heel by coming out and hanging at the announce booth. I always appreciate the heels using the “gray area” of cheating. Less cheating, more loopholes. In this case, the classic, “Hey, can’t get eliminated if I don’t get into the ring, can I!?” deal. Also gets a sweet burn in by mentioning, “It’s great to see two legends in the industry, and also Excalibur!” Nice to have you back, Excalibur.
Can I give Sonny Kiss a title? “The Badass with the Best Ass”. He can feud with Billy Gunn for the Mr. Ass Title. He eliminates Jake Hager before getting immediately eliminated as well. Hager gives Sonny a receipt for the effort on the outside, and I hadn’t realized Sonny Kiss vs. Jake Hager was a thing I so desperately needed. MAKE IT HAPPEN KHAN.
Ricky Starks grabs a body bag under the ring and chucks it to Cage, who attempts to zip up Darby Allin into it. BUT NOT BEFORE FIRST DUMPING THUMBTACKS INTO THE BAG FIRST. Awesome. Cage then picks Allin up like a sack of crap and dumps his ass in the bag onto the entrance ramp. Perfect example of something that looks brutal without being too flashy or flippy.
Eddie Kingston’s ring gear looks like the guy who challenges you to a pick up game of basketball and pulls a gun on you when he loses. Then again, I’m still new to Eddie Kingston, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that was part of his bio.
Archer and Cage have a BOO YAY punch exchange. Building to a beuatiful false chokeslam that Cage backflips out of. Cage ends up on the apron with Hobbs only for Archer to kick them both out, leaving only Archer, Kingston, Butcher, and Funky Foot Sydal.
From there, Archer eliminates Butcher, Kingston eliminates Sydal, and Archer goes to kick Kingston off the apron only for him to slip.
Jake the Snake vaguely threatens Kingston with his Bag O’ Snake long enough for Lance Archer to chuck him off to win the whole thing.
BOTCH: Matt Hardy’s Brainstem
Matt Hardy’s Brainstem: “Hold my beer”
Ugggggh. This one hurts. By now you may have heard that AEW has received quite a bit of criticism for allowing this match to continue. Only 2 minutes into the match, Hardy and Guevara go up on a scissor lift, go down through a table, and Hardy is immediately knocked unconscious after whacking his head off the concrete floor.
OH MY GOD, Matt Hardy missed the table and landed on the concrete. #AEWAllOut #AEW https://t.co/hW3vzscrhK 🌎https://t.co/YafkexvTyM 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/7Xy8zt4riD
— Italo Santana (@BulletClubIta) September 6, 2020
He shows no signs of consciousness for an entire minute before barely getting up to break the 10 count. He then proceeds to barely be able to stand, pulling Sammy’s trunks down to expose his ass. Credit to Sammy here for not only throwing the weakest offense he can manage, but bumping via following Hardy’s momentum while also hurdling himself to the pavement.
Credit is also due to ref Aubrey Edwards who is clearly doing her best to end this brutality only to be overridden upon review by the ring doc.
At first it seems like they have sensibly ended the match, but Matt doggedly goes back into gimmick mode to keep it going. The match actually ends, bell rings and all, and we go back to the announce team discussing the match as if it was already complete.
It really does show how much modern wrestling has changed. Yes, in 98 when Mankind got thrown off of the Hell in a Cell, there was a glimmer of “They should’ve stopped the match”, that was drowned out over cries of just how badass it all was. Hell, it’s largely forgotten that after all the HIAC abuse, he actually did a run-in in the main event! Talk about your “no-sell spot monkey”.
Now, this match continues and the fans decry it as disgusting. This analogy becomes even more direct as we watch the recently “not able to walk” Matt Hardy do his best to climb a lighting rig. Sammy takes the bump through the conspicuously padded backstage area for the loss.
Given the short run time, I have to imagine they skipped a bunch of stuff and fastforwarded to the end spot. After watching the match I’m less disgusted than anticipated.
Aside from the climb of the rig so soon after getting his brain scrambled, the rest of the match consisted of little more than scrapping with no real bumps for Hardy. The lighting rig climb was definitely dicey, but overall not too bad. Though judging on some of the negative press, the decision to let this match continue may ripple through AEW’s reputation for some time.
It’s not a good look when a wrestler’s wife is actively disputing your company medical update in real time to call you a liar.
POP: Thunder Rosa vs. Hikaru Shida
Set up as a contrasting styles from jump, many have given this MOTN status. And it is a great match, but there’s just not a lot to say about it. Lots of knee and elbow strikes. A lot of back and forth chopping down until one couldn’t kick out. It’s a nice hard-hitting match, but there’s really not too much to say about it than that.
The announcers made multiple comments on the brutal 95 degree whether 9500% humidity of the night, and this may be the first match where you can sense the effect it’s having on performers and audience alike. Given the nearly four runtime between main and pre-show, the latter half is a drag.
Thunder Rosa vs Hikaru Shida takes Match of the Night and I don’t think anyone can top them. That was my main event. #AEWAllOut pic.twitter.com/bO7Fn4ybBF
— ⌨️ Patches Chance 🖋 (@patcheschance) September 6, 2020
After turning the tide in her favor, Shida goes for several big moves with Rosa kicking out each time, before putting her down for good with a running knee strike to the face.
POP: Dark Order vs. Natural Nightmares, Matt Cardona, Scorpio Sky
Fun five man tag team shenanigans!
May I just say how good it feels to watch Matt Cardona FKA LIIZ actually being allowed to wrestle to his full potential? He’s in there with energy looking great, and it’s just a reminder how WWE really treat their talent like a thumb on a turntable.
The slow drag on some of the best wrestler in the game has been the main thing pushing me away from the WWE product for the last few years. Even for its faults in AEW (pacing issues, multiple matches with high spots, repeating tropes), it’s absolutely worth it to see and feel talent giving it their absolute all rather than working through the motions.
Dustin Runnels cleans house in his 50s in a way that’d put me aching in bed for weeks at 33. Though I have noticed that the parabola arc of the powerslam is getting weaker and weaker every time I see it. Am I alone in this? The man knows better than me, but the more I see these powerslams rotate less and less before impact, the more I’m waiting for one inevitable skull spiking.
Shout out to horndog JR asking if Anna Jay had a wardrobe malfunction before chalking it up to “wishful thinking” on his part. After spending a decade next to Jerry Lawler, you gotta fill in the perv quota where you can. “Fantasy booking” can consist of more fantasy than just pushes and burials I suppose.
Great team work via the Dark Order as usual. This leaves a built-in in-ring story every time in the punishment of the member not serving his proper role of the cog in the machine.
Colt misses on a moonsault leading to a rollup from Dustin. The Order castigates Colt for the failure as the winners hoist Dustin on their shoulders. Mr. Brodie freaks out on Colt as if he just sneezed in his presence before storming away.
POP: FTR vs. Hangman Page and Kenny Omega (C)
We head into this battle with Hangman Page falling out with the Elite. It’s unknown if he can be trusted due to his alcoholic millennial cowboy ways, but he strives early to prove himself, asking Omega for the tag-in while imploring Kenny to trust him. Within 30 seconds they’re already arguing from an out-of-sync Hangman almost popping Omega in the face. This slow burn of Hangman’s exile from the Elite is still hitting all the right beats, and I’m really looking forward to the story arc to follow.
FTR are their typical meat-and-potatoes southern tag team excellence. Much like Matt Cardona, it is great seeing these guys let off the leash of toilet jokes to just be old fashioned ass kickers. They also benefit from their insistent stipulation of keeping traditional tag rules in effect, tag ropes and all. Works against them at first as Omega and Hangman turn the strategy against them, effectively cut the ring in half keeping Wheeler far from a Dax tag.
It all falls apart of course. As soon as FTR can find a weakness, the Mechanics get Mechanical, and begin a calculated, frequent tag tear down on Omega’s knee. Eventually he gets the tag to Hangman who cleans house, keeping the team alive. The tide turns for good after Omega mistakenly hits Page with a V-Trigger meant for Cash, and FTR hit Page with 2 straight Mind-Breakers for the 1-2-3. And just like that, we’ve got NEW tag team champions.
This is great to see for FTR given all they’ve been through. After tearing through all the available tag belts in NXT, Raw, and Smackdown, only to be shunted to comedy-act status in WWE, they’ve made their escape to a nice farm in Jacksonville where they’re free to run and play and tear opponent’s ligaments. Here’s hoping to a long reign and a cementing of their legacy as one of the greatest tag teams ever. Congrats boys, we’re happy for you.
The other story heading out of this match is Omega turning on Page, seemingly for good. This is of course despite the fact that his errant V-trigger is what sent his team down the tubes. He paces the ring with the ringside TV dinner table teasing a whack across Hangman’s dome, instead denying Hangman a shoulder to lean on.
He leaves him lying flat, kicks Page’s beer straight into the camera, and sulks backstage to the Young Bucks, moping straight out of the venue as a trio to his repeated complaints of, “I’m done. I’m done. I’m done.”
POP: Jericho vs. Orange Cassidy: Mimosa Mayhem Match
FUN FACT: I’m an idiot and didn’t realize the significant of the Mimosa Mayhem match until I learned mimosas were made of bubbly and orange juice. Whoops.
Jericho continues his quest to be the most giving legend ever, putting over Orange Cassidy. We get to see OC once again put on his working boots and show what he can do. Little glimpses of DETERMINED OC are going to go a long way. For the finish, he slips out of a turnbuckle razor’s edge for a running super punch trying to send Jericho into the drink.
The first hit doesn’t take, letting to a visibly frustrated Cassidy to rev up and hit the second superman punch launching Jericho into the cocktail. Though he does keep kayfabe by IMMEDIATELY flopping to his back, clearly exhausted less by the physicality and more by having to care about something for several seconds. Great work all around.
POP: Moxley vs. MJF
Props to MJF with a killer robe I could not find a single picture of.
Full disclosure: MJF is my current favorite character in all of wrestling. He’s here playing the character to the hilt, screaming “REF!!! REF!!!” like a tattling child while Moxley spreads his fingers apart. Getting over-excited at every second of advantage he gets. Just great character work. Mox does great pulling his weight, but he’s the veteran champ here, mainly a center for the wily young upstart to bounce off of.
The only downside to the match is the wily young upstart angle. Nobody entered this match thinking it was MJF’s time to win the championship. Wardlow is the ineffective second, distracting the ref only once, just long enough to distract MJF with a chance to slip on the diamond ring, just long enough to get spotted by Moxley and get a stiff DDT and the 1-2-3 for his troubles.
So MJF loses, and it was never in doubt. However, given the moments of advantage and the crimson mask, it’s plain to see MJF is still on a career course that culminates with the top of the mountain, and he has more than proved himself on this first climb to the top of the card.
So that’s it for my first post on Steel Ring…Post! And it only took me 2 hours to find a Dr. Hibbert image that would load on WordPress! I hope you’ve enjoyed my baptism by fire and I’ll see you Thursday! (…to recap the Dynamite on Wednesday!) ((…or whatever night it’s been postponed to!!!))
