Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Stephanie McMahon announced a gigantic (8-team) tournament to crown the inaugural WWE Tag Team Champions, Brock Lesnar broke the Undertaker’s hand, D-Von and Ron Simmons formed a colossal connection, Jamie Noble actually got a win and Benoit & Angle continued to fuck with one another. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re on The Road to No Mercy, yes we are! Next Big Thing!
BOTCH: Hands of Steel
In case you missed it (what are you, crazy?! Are you out of your mind?!) Brock Lesnar interfered in an Underaker/Matt Hardy match last week, breaking Taker’s hand and, more importantly, giving Hardy the win. Undertaker and Lesnar will meet a few Sundays from now… Hell in a Cell.
Matt Hardy Version 1 opens the show to boast about his ground-shaking win over the Deadman. He still doesn’t have a shirt, but I’ll shut up about that now. Matt, in his unbelievably thick Carolina accent, replays his victory over the Undertaker for the paying audience. The crowd wants Jeff, because they don’t know what’s good for them. He continues to shit on the Deadman, claiming Taker would rather face Brock Lesnar in a Hell in a Cell than face Matt Hardy again and again and again. How right you are. Taker feels his Matt Hardy sense tingling so he strolls down the ramp to kick his ass. Matt warns him to stop before it’s too late, and I quote:
“HEY WOAH TAKER! I’m serious, don’t come out here! If you do, what I did last week will look like nothing, I mean nothing, compared to what I do to you this week, I’m serious! STOP. PULL ON THE BREAKS. NO MORE—Taker, FREEZE YOURSELF IN YOUR TRACKS […] I beat you last week when you were healthy, I don’t wanna maim a crippled man! I’M SERIOUS. TAKER. IF YOU COME IN THIS RING, I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE. IT’S YOUR LIFE I’M TRYING TO SAVE HERE”
Hardy gets a few shots in with the microphone and targets Taker’s cast. Could this be the night Matt Hardy doesn’t look like a complete doofus? Nope, Taker kicks his ass again. I’m beginning to wonder how many fucking times they expect me to see the Undertaker whipping Matt Hardy’s ass. Is there seriously no one else for these guys to interact with? Can we go one week without doing this for the fiftieth time? Anyways, Taker uses his cute little cast to punch a hole into Matt’s face. He’s dumber than he looks, though, so Matt baits him into punching a steel post full force and re-injuring himself. You could’ve just, I don’t know, thrown a left. Dumbass. At least Matt gets his own WWE Desire video to put him over, where he sticks his head so far up his own ass he eats breakfast again. It’s great.
POP: Double Decker
To continue the Rikishi/Guerrero feud we seem to have been running for like a whole month, here’s Eddie vs. ‘Kishi. Los Guerreros defeated Rikishi and Mark Henry to advance in the tag team tournament, but tonight ‘Kish gets his chance to… beat another Guerrero up, I guess. We all have our vices. This is mostly the same match you’ve seen before, and it’s still good. Rikishi isn’t at the SmackDown Six level, but he’s over and he’s got chemistry with literally anyone on the roster.
Chavo tries to help his uncle out, so Rikishi pays them back with a double stinkface. Tazz calls it a “double burrito” because he’s really funny like that. Anyways, this being SmackDown, Eddie grabs a chair. Rikishi stops him, so Chavo grabs a chair. Rikishi stops him, so Eddie grabs his chair again and injures ‘Kishi’s knee, then taps him out with the Lasso from El Paso. Very brave of Eddie to try and get a new submission move over by applying it to the two biggest guys he could find.
BOTCH: It’s All Very Freudian
Torrie Wilson prepares for another bikini lingerie contest against Dawn Marie. Yes, again. SmackDown’s just BREAKING NEW GROUND with these cards, huh. Torrie’s dad Al shows up unannounced, which begs the question: where the hell does Al live, and is he travelling city to city to see his daughter or can he magically teleport to wherever he wants? Is he Mr. Mxyzptlk, by any chance? Also, correction from last week, Al isn’t Torrie’s kayfabe father, he’s actually Torrie’s real-life father. Torrie’s a little uncomfortable about doing a lingerie segment with her father around, and it’s all very Freudian.
Dawn Marie flashes Al, again, and gives him a little peck on the cheek. Al doesn’t seem to be bothered by Dawn’s attack on his daughter last week, which I guess makes sense, since we never bring it up again. Torrie and Dawn compete, with Michael Cole moaning all over the mic, and Torrie wins again. Maybe WWE’s female roster should stop competing in popularity contests with the tall, gorgeous blonde everyone likes. Dawn doesn’t slap Torrie this time around, but she instead gives Al her Hotel key. In case you don’t know where this angle is going, trust me, shit’s gonna get dark before long.
POP: Enemy Mine
Stephanie calls Benoit and Angle to her office to explain why they’re suddenly tagging together. She wants her tag division to be legitimate, so she’s forcing her two best wrestlers to work as a team… Even though they’re not tag wrestlers, and she could just as easily hire actual tag teams, but I guess Tencozy was busy that week. If Angle and Benoit don’t get along, they’ll spend the next year on the couch. God, imagine the ratings. Eddie and Chavo mischievously warn Chris that Angle might be planning to take some time off, for the Olympics and stuff. Benoit, who is an idiot, becomes very suspicious. How will these two coexist against such world class tag teams as…
John Cena and Billy Kidman. Y’know, I’m starting to realize there’s no tag teams on SmackDown. All you had was Billy & Chuck and they lost in the first round. I joke about it, but turning your two best wrestlers into a tag team that hates and constantly tries to one-up itself is a fantastic idea. Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle should probably win most matches, but they’re dumb and intense enough to lose at any time. In case I need to say it, Benoit & Angle vs. Cena & Kidman is pretty dope.
There’s so much to love here. The heels beat on Billy, but they keep (inadvertently) hitting each other. The ref misses Cena’s hot tag, which makes the actual hot tag that much hotter. Kidman even hits his terrifying Shooting Star Press for a near-fall. Angle locks Kidman in the Ankle Lock, but it’s Benoit who gets the tap to advance to the semis… will these two even MAKE IT to No Mercy?! Oh my!
Later in the show, Chavo tricks Benoit into getting cartoonishly beat up by Eddie inside a dark room. They make it look like it was Angle by using a steel chair, Kurt’s favorite weapon. The problem is, they also openly admit to attacking Benoit in front of TV cameras, during a TAPED SHOW that Benoit will probably watch in a few days’ time. We’re dealing with some real masterminds here.
BOTCH: Unfaithful
Brock Lesnar enters the building (40 minutes into the show) with a Very Special Guest: Tracy. We don’t know who she is just yet, because Taker shows up to chase Lesnar out. Tracy, as it turns out, is the Undertaker’s mistress. She calls him “Mark”, so it must be true! Taker claims he has no idea who Tracy is, and she tries to slap him. I mean, she slaps him alright, he just doesn’t flinch. Tracy is insanely bad at reading her lines, but she won’t be here long.
I’m just wondering who the fuck though Taker vs. Brock needed an infidelity angle? You got two monsters, one young, one old, fighting for the WWE title. Brock already threatened Taker’s pregnant wife, made him bleed, broke his hand, and cost him the title via DQ. They’re wrestling inside HELL IN A CELL. Do you really need more layers on this?! Brock also calls Sara right before his match, which we’ll get to. Yeah, Brock Lesnar just pulled Sara Calaway’s phone number out of his trunks. This is the same dude that hits Shooting Star Presses on command, you shouldn’t be surprised.
BOTCH: God’s Gunn
After losing in the first round of the tag tournament (DESPITE BEING THE ONLY TAG TEAM THERE), Billy Gunn returns for vengeance against D-Von. He no longer has the Billy & Chuck theme, nor AssMan, nor The One, not even the Smoking Gunns. It’s just some basic shitty guitar riff Jim Johnston pulled out in three minutes. Cole and Tazz don’t know what Faarooq’s kayfabe name is anymore, which is funny, I guess. So, right in the middle of 2002 SmackDown, it’s Billy Gunn and D-Von Dudley in a singles match. I have nothing to add. Faarooq/Ron Simmons/Doom #1 interferes, but Billy lands the Fameasser for the win… Even though D-Von and Simmons are semifinalists, and should probably not be losing matches. Whatever, it’s Reverend D-Von and Billy Gunn, it’s fine.
POP: Beast & The East
Funaki does the splits and interviews Rey Mysterio, who I remind you, is probably a shoot 5’2. Rey and Edge are booked in the tag tournament against perennial losers Noble & Tajiri, which would pay off Rey’s win over Noble a few weeks back. He’s interrupted by Nidia, attempting to cuck her boyfriend while speaking PERFECT SPANISH all of the sudden. For real. She makes a 619/69 joke, which means I just pictured Nidia and Rey 69ing, goddammit, and Rey tells her to fuck off. Jamie shows up and argues with his girlfriend, who throws a water bottle at a security guard. The guards then kick Jamie and Nidia out of the building. Jamie is BOOKED in a TOURNAMENT, by the way. So, regular wrestlers can set security personnel on fire, but the Cruiserweight champion can’t even spill some water without getting thrown out? Man, that belt really ain’t worth shit.
Brock attempts to leave ten minutes after showing up, as he does, but Stephanie intercepts him. Jamie Noble’s whereabouts are still unknown (a trailer park, probably), which means Tajiri needs a partner for his tournament match. Which means, yes, Edge & Rey Mysterio vs. Brock Lesnar & Tajiri in our main event. That sounds so good, I’m not even kidding. If Undertaker interferes, he’s out of No Mercy. It’s all connected!
The point of this match, aside from looking insane on a results page, is pitting Brock against Edge. Edge’s still in the midcard, but you can tell he’s just fingertips away from the main event. This match also means Brock vs. Rey, which I’m obviously in love with. It’s a little sloppy, but at one-point Lesnar kicks out of a lateral press by throwing Rey five feet in the air, so no complaints. Tajiri looks really excited to be tagging with Brock, which is kind of adorable. Why aren’t these two tag team champions? They’re the Minnesota Wrecking Crew, Buzzsaw and Bulldozer. Brock’s from Minnesota, right? He’s from where?! Webster?!
Anyways, the Wrecking Crew malfunctions at the junction and Tajiri Busszaw kicks Brock right in the dome. The scheming Buzzsaw falls to a 619 and a Spear, and our lovable face duo advances to the semifinals. Aw man, Brock was really looking forward to teaming with Tajiri! The Champ attacks everybody after the bell, Taker shows up swinging his cast around, and Lesnar powders. It seems the Undertaker has turned his weakness into a weapon! Hopefully he’ll learn to stop punching metal posts.
And that’s our show! Join us next week for the go-home show to No Mercy, where John Cena and Billy Kidman explode, Noble and Nidia get violent, the Undertaker situation develops and Brock Lesnar gets some singles action. Plus, the tag team tournament semifinals: Edge & Rey vs. D-Von & Faarooq and Los Guerreros vs. Benoit & Angle. Make sure to leave a comment below (I read all of them, trust me) and join the Discord. SmackDown!
