Week Three: WCW Monday Nitro – September 18, 1995
Welcome back to Pops & Botches: Monday Night Rewind, a look back at the Monday Night Wars through the lens of someone who didn’t really live through them. Previously on Nitro, it was actually Fall Brawl! Harlem Heat won the Tag Team Championships off a kiss distraction, Ric Flair and Arn Anderson tore the house down, and Hulk Hogan got his neck snapped by Giant.
I can’t wait to see how they address an attempted murder!
BOTCH: lol, They Didn’t Address Attempted Murder
Despite the fact that the world literally watched, less than 24 hours prior to this interview, as Giant twisted Hogan’s skull in his hands, ostensibly snapping the Hulkster’s neck and, best case scenario, making him a quadriplegic, Giant and Gene refer to it throughout as Giant “choking out” Hogan. Gene even says those words as he does the motion.
On top of that, we have to listen to absolutely the worst forced affectations this side of Undertaker’s “Rest in peace” as Giant puts on this ridiculously gravelly voice that must have been just torture on his vocal cords. Then, as if all of this wasn’t bad enough already, Giant and Mean Gene continue to tag team us with terribleness and go back to trying to convince everyone that Giant is Andre’s son.
At no point in any of this is there any update on Hulk Hogan’s condition, nary even a mention of a Local Medical Facility. All we know is that, at some point last night, he rode in an ambulance…but to where, Gene? To where didst the Hulkamania away!?
TINIEST POP, THEN A BIG LONG BOTCH: Bait and Switch and Switch
After that opening segment, I was legitimately excited to not only see adorable baby Marcus “Not Yet Buff” Bagwell up there, but to see him fight also adorable (but admittedly not nearly as baby) Lord Steven Regal as part of a tag team match between the American Males and the Blue Bloods. We don’t even get to see Regal, though, as Harlem Heat jumps the Blue Bloods at some point before they can make their full entrance.
We get a quick cameo from Robert Eaton as he gets his ass handed to him by Stevie Ray, then Harlem Heat storms the ring to yell at us about how the Blue Bloods “shouldn’t have been here in the first place,” because Harlem Heat are the champs. I mean, hooray for making sure everyone knows who the boss of the division is now, but maybe let some of the lower card guys handle business the night after you barely scraped past a couple of pissed off, violent rednecks?
To make sure everyone understands how confident they are as the new champs, Harlem Heat give the American Males a title shot right here, right now. That one scene in the very first episode when they told wrestlers they weren’t allowed to just make matches sure was nice. Anyway, the match isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen in a ring, but it’s definitely not anything to write home about. Some decent slams, an entertaining spot where Booker tags out as he’s being dropped for a pin, aaaand then Colonel Parker shows up to just shit all over everything.
Like I said in the Fall Brawl write-up, I might be more invested in the Col. Parker/Sister Sherri romance angle if I hadn’t dropped in right in the middle of it, but I seriously doubt it. The Colonel scoops Sherri off the apron and carries her off, ”An Officer and a Gentleman” style, which apparently saps every bit of Booker T’s strength, allowing Marcus Bagwell to get a flash pin off a reversal and we have new Tag Team Champions! For some reason!
Oh, well. Live by the romance angle distraction, die by the romance angle distraction, I guess.
POP: Oh, Thank God, Here’s Ric Flair
The Nature Boy shows up in a fabulously feathered robe to give a lecture about following rules. I’ll say that again: Ric mother loving Flair, the Dirtiest Player in the Game, is yelling at Arn Anderson through Mean Gene about how the Enforcer broke the unspoken rules of their family. The man is just so fucking good at being a total slimeball and making everyone love him for it. It’s amazing.
BOTCH: This Show Just…Isn’t Very Good
I don’t know if the WCW bookers just blew their entire load on Fall Brawl and didn’t have anything left over for the next night, but sweet Christmas, this episode of Nitro is weak. Case in point, they apparently thought that the logical follow up to Ric Flair being Ric Flair was to debut Paul Orndorff’s new narcissist gimmick and have Bischoff and Mongo just completely shit on it. The man’s shown no heelish leanings besides being a little too into his own reflection, but these two are acting like he dropkicked Pepe.
Mr. Wonderful is taking on Johnny B. Badd for…reasons. I guess Johnny needed a cooldown match after being taken to the absolute limit by Brian Pillman the night before. But wait, lol, whoops, Orndorff wins off of Johnny (the new #1 contender to the US Championship, mind you) apparently being terrible at his job.
The best part of the whole shitshow was the reminder that Showgirls was a thing that got made.
MAN, I DON’T EVEN KNOW: Another Attempted Murder
I really wanted to enjoy this segment, but fuck, is it difficult. Don’t get me wrong, it was entertaining in a way, but that way was not necessarily good. Macho Man, who is lifting weights while surrounded by Baywatch extras (that’s not a joke, they’re on the set of Baywatch), is attacked by Kevin Sullivan, but not before we’re treated to this 90’s porn-ass close up of his grimace. The extras, whom one would assume are trying to prove their acting skills, immediately stop acting. They all just stand there in awkward silence as this bemulleted psycho tries to murder Randy Savage before their very eyes.
Thankfully for Randy, Ric Flair also happened to be hanging out with all the Baywatch girls (because of course he was), and in full ring gear, for some reason. He drives off Sullivan, telling us “The Devil has lost it.” What was your first hint, Ric? When he started going by the name of “The Devil?” Overall, this whole bit just continued the Dungeon of Doom trend of “watchable in a train wreck sort of way.”
POP: Oh, Thank God, Here’s Macho Man (not in a beach segment)
Pop Quiz: What would Macho Man Randy Savage say to someone who did him the kind favor of literally saving his life? Answer: “Thanks, but no thanks.” At least his is a somewhat anticipatable psychopathy.
The brunt of Macho Man’s violent fury, however, is reserved for one Lexoysius Luger. He runs down ol’ Flexy Lexy, accusing Luger of cheap shots, future membership in the Dungeon of Doom, and finally of having a hidden agenda of wanting another title shot, until the Package comma Total comes out to interrupt him. Lex brings up the admittedly good point that Randy must also want to be the Heavyweight Champion, and Lex has actually been the one up front and vocal about his desires.
My absolute favorite part of all things Macho Man can be summed up in his response: “I got the guts to tell you right now and look you in the eye that you got a very good point right there.” My guy will straight up admit in the most overly dramatically manly way possible, “YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT, AND I’M TOTALLY GONNA KICK YOUR ASS ABOUT IT.”
This eventually devolves into more posturing and a particularly vicious slap to Lex while the crowd bays for blood. We’ll have to wait at least another week, however, as Mean Gene sends it to commercial and we’re promised Ric Flair versus Brian Pillman next. Pump that glorious Flair vengeance right into my veins.
POP: IN. TO. MY. VEINS.
Ric Flair is PISSED. He’s hitting Pillman with chops so hard, dude’s getting folded in half. To be fair, though, Pillman totally earned this absolute ass beating for interfering in Four Horsemen family business. I was actually a little surprised at first by how quickly he lost, but one of the overall Pops I can give to this show, despite its overall lack of quality, is that the competitors from last night are all showing the signs of fatigue and day-after selling that are sorely missing from many modern productions. Once the shock has passed, it absolutely makes sense that Pillman, who fought Johnny B. Badd almost to a stalemate for close to thirty minutes, would get wrapped up by the veteran Flair.
After Ric gets the Figure Four-based win, he grabs a mic and lets Arn know that their business isn’t done and he’ll be looking for Double A all week, and oh boy, I can’t wait until he finds him.
BOTCH: Why Are We Still Here!?
First things first, watch this shit:
Now that you’ve experienced that, I need you understand that it was the last commercial before the guys in the booth come back just long enough for Bischoff to somehow botch running down next week’s card, AND THEN THE SHOW IS OVER. You had the chance to go out on RIGHTEOUS SOUTHERN WRESTLING VIOLENCE to make up for the rest of the show, but you came back to let us know about that hot fire Disco Inferno action coming up next week.
Someone call that number for me. I need some HERBAL ECSTASY to make up for this fucking wet fart of a deflating balloon ending. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that next week is better. If not, I always love an excuse to sharpen my snark!
In the meantime, don’t forget to drop a comment and swing by the Discord to get into the live chats!
