Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Vince McMahon ended Zach Gowen’s hopes and dreams, Team Angle turned their backs on their captain, The Ass Man Came Around, and Brock Lesnar nearly suplexed the Big Show into the earth’s core. You can watch this week’s episode on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. Next Big Thing!
POP: Did You Bring Protection?
We open SmackDown with a match the streets have been begging for: the Undertaker vs. Nunzio. I kid, but if SmackDown’s going to insist on giving the FBI a match every week from now until the day I die, the least they can do is let Nunzio work. Nunzio’s not even that good, I’m just tired of writing about Chuck Palumbo. It’s a great squash match here, Nunzio’s simply delightful. He gets a few licks in thanks to FBI interference, but it doesn’t take long for Taker to whip his ass pillar to post. This is how he starts the match, and this is how he ends it. The Italians attack Taker after the bell (they’re the FBI, the hell else are they going to do) but Taker’s finally got himself some backup. Cue the “EH! EH-EH! EH-EH! EH-EH, EH-EH-EH!”
The APA is back and they’re SmackDown exclusive. We haven’t seen ol’ Ron Simmons since he teamed with Reverend D-Von (you don’t remember this, do you) and Bradshaw spent the better part of 2002 doing his dirt mall Stan Hansen schtick on Raw’s undercard before coming down with a torn bicep in September. Bradshaw shows up rocking the full-on Homelander dye, one the many, many, many forgotten Bradshaw looks. The APA aren’t the most popular tag team of their generation, probably because they ran their gimmick longer than they should’ve, but I can’t deny there’s a certain charm to them. They’re big, mean and ugly, and they look like they hurt people for real because they often do. Go to the YouTube comments section on any APA video and you’ll find tons of 40-year-old dudes saying shit like “this is when wrestling was good”. SmackDown’s tag guys better be ready.
POP: Oh Say, Can You See…
BOTCH: Rough Patch
SmackDown’s worst tag team bar none (Rhyno & Benoit) make their way to the ring for this next bout… but wait just a minute, folks! Stephanie appears on the ramp to announce two things: Firstly, last Sunday saw Bad Blood, a Raw exclusive PPV, take place. To counterbalance, on July 27th, SmackDown will present Vengeance from Denver, Colorado. Secondly, this is NOT a tag team match. Phew. Instead, Rhyno and Benoit will wrestle each other in a first-round match in the inaugural United States Championship tournament, with the finals taking place at the PPV. This coming just one week after Rhyno and Benoit nearly beat the shit out of each other for losing too much and accidentally punching one another in the face. Rhyno and Benoit are doing just fine.
They’re actually NOT doing fine, dear reader, this match blows. Rhyno plays heel and works on top the whole way through and it drags on and on AND ON like a car with no back wheels. It’s a mediocre 12-minute match with 10 minutes of failed comebacks and rest holds. These two had a fairly good match back in April, what the fuck is going on? Are they working injured? Did they get hexed by a gypsy? Why and how do Chris Benoit and Rhyno have negative chemistry all the sudden? Benoit avoids the Gore and taps Rhyno out in the Crossface to advance to the semifinals, and he keeps the hold locked in just a tad too long. Obviously, the US title scene is a fantastic addition to SmackDown, but if Chris Benoit doesn’t have a good match between now and SummerSlam I might go insane.
POP: Who Better
In one of the weirdest matchups in the history of the column, Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio battles Kanyon. As in, WCW Kanyon. Remember a while back in the build to No Way Out, when Kanyon came out of a crate dressed like Boy George and got beaten up by Undertaker? What do you mean “no”? In a depressing but predictable turn of events, Kanyon’s since been relegated to taking Ls on House Shows and Velocity. It’s a sad story, especially considering what became of Chris.
Cole: So, you and Kanyon are like neighbors, he’s from Queens, you’re from Brooklyn!
Tazz: Uh, Kanyon’s not allowed anywhere near Red Hook. Trust me, we don’t like people like him.
What did Tazz mean by that? This stands as the lone highlight of Kanyon’s post-Invasion WWE run, his one and only televised SmackDown match of 2003. Kanyon was always an extremely creative worker, and they bust out some pretty great spots until he falls to the West Coast Pop. Good seeing you, Kanyon. You deserved better.
POP: Fallen Idol
Fresh off their shocking betrayal of returning American Hero Kurt Angle, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin make their way to the ring. Team Angle no more, but they’re rocking a new theme song and some pretty dope maroon/silver outfits. According to Tazz, the color scheme is based on their respective alma maters; silver/blue for Seton Hall, maroon/gold for Minnesota. Haas and Benjamin claim they no longer need Kurt Angle, because they’re The Best Damn Tag Team Period. Like the sports show. If that name sounds weird to you, don’t worry, they’ll get another one soon. TBDTTP challenge Kurt to a match next week, but Kurt shows up, calls them a pair of pussies and tells them to pick a member and wrestle him right now.
So, Kurt Angle vs. Charlie Haas, Kurt’s first match since Mania. It’s nothing spectacular but seeing Kurt back in full capacity is a blast. Whitemeat babyface Kurt isn’t as good as Terminator heel Kurt (nothing is) but he’s still Kurt Angle, and Charlie puts up a good fight. With the ref distracted, Shelton throws Kurt into the steel steps and walks away whistling with his hands behind his back like he didn’t just make more noise than a toilet flush at 4 AM, so Brian Hebner ejects him from ringside. Kurt avoids a Haas-style Angle Slam from Charlie and wins the match with an Angle Slam of his own. Shelton runs back down to double-team Angle, so Kurt’s good friend Brock Lesnar comes out to even things up. Though Brock can and has beaten Charlie and Shelton at the same damn time, so maybe “even” isn’t the right word here.
FINE: Ass Boys
Last week saw the earth-shattering return of Mr. Ass to the blue brand, as our favorite anal-centric pervert joined forces with Torrie Wilson. It’s not explained whether they’re dating or if they just hang out to talk about asses all day, but they’re an item. So obviously, that means Billy Gunn will also be feuding with Jamie Noble and Nidia for the next 2-4 years. Like fucking clockwork. Competitive as always, Nidia wants the world to know that her ass is just as good as Billy or Torrie’s. Jamie’s ass isn’t that good though, let’s be real here. We get a singles between Jamie and Billy and it’s perfectly fine, Torrie and Nidia go at it at ringside and Billy gets the dub with the Fameasser.
Tazz: Billy Gunn’s like 6’5, Noble’s like… I got him by like two inches, he’s like 5’11, I guess…
Cole: WHAT? You “got him by two inches”?
Tazz: Come on, it’s a family show, Cole.
FINE: Scottish Ale
In a preview of next week’s tag team title bout, the Devil’s Advocate Sean O’Haire goes one-on-one with Eddie Guerrero. Sean’s handler Roddy Piper comes out holding a bottle of Jose Cuervo Especial like he’s Yoshinobu Kanemaru, which should become a permanent staple of his character going forward. He’s pretty much a drunk uncle already, might as well start doing the Tequila Spit as a regular spot. Eddie/O’Haire isn’t great but Eddie bumps like crazy for Sean and makes him look like a killer. It’s so easy to make Sean O’Haire look good and yet SmackDown rarely does it! Piper stops Eddie from landing the Frog Splash and blinds Tajiri with the Suntory Surprise, leaving Guerrero open for Sean’s finisher, which is now called “The Prophecy”. Another big win for Sean! Tag titles on the line next week, will we see Piper’s Pit stand tall? Probably not. Definitely not.
BOTCH: In Your Office: Mind Games
Zach Gowen, a guy who doesn’t work here but always shows up, runs into Spanky and Bill DeMott, two guys who DO work here but never show up. They give Zach some directions and go on about their day. Not sure what’s less believable, the idea that Bill DeMott hangs out with Brian Kendrick or that he wouldn’t bully Zach Gowen to death at the mere sight of him. Zach heads into Stephanie’s office (WHY. HE DOESN’T WORK HERE. WHY IS HE HERE) only to find resident vixen Sable waiting for him. Nothing bad could come of this. As expected, Sable comes onto Zach, places his hands on her breasts and tries to have sex with him. She’s an evil hot blonde in a WWE show, putting her in a room with a timid young man is like throwing meat to a dog.
Sable quickly changes her mind and slaps Zach, calling him a pathetic amputee before Vince storms into the room. After Zach leaves, Vince and Sable reveal that it was all a ruse, they set up a fake GM office for the sole purpose of harassing a one-legged kid that doesn’t work here who, by all intents and purposes, had already been soundly defeated. They say this out loud with a camera directly in front of them, by the way. Then they try to have sex in front of said camera while making fun of Zach (“Hold the phone, I got wood! Wait a minute, it’s just my leg!” – Vince). Stephanie finally shows up, kicks Sable out of the fake office and yells at her father for bullying a handicapped kid. And this right here is where this segment takes an EXTREMELY dark turn.
Every time I went out to dinner with one of your business associates, I was 17 years old, you don’t think they told me what you promised them I’d do? And guess what, dad? I did it. I did it for you, the things I did with them, and I’m ashamed of myself! I’m ashamed of myself that I’m just – like – you!
…
Jesus Christ.
Moving on.
BOTCH: Non-Finish Business
Since last week’s WWE Championship match ended in Double Annihilation, we’re running it back tonight. You’d think the idea would be to do a stipulation like Last Man Standing or No Holds Barred, but no, it’s another regular singles. You can probably guess why. Tonight, we’re tending to “UNFINISHED BUSINESS” (dun-dun-dun). I love it when matches get cool subtitles like that. “The War to Settle the Score” or “The Greatest Wrestling Match of All Time”. If Roman vs. Brock Part XII was named “Literally The Most Important Match You Will Witness In Your Entire Fucking Life Bro Trust Me”, I feel like people would be less harsh on it. We spend the whole night recapping Brock and Show’s storied feud (that probably should’ve ended at Judgment Day, if we’re being honest) and rest assured, the ring has been reinforced.
Before the match, Brock climbs to the top rope with the biggest shit eating grin you’ve ever seen and dares Show to come after him. This is another perfectly acceptable TV match. It’s a lot like last week’s main, except there’s no jaw-dropping bullshit finish to carry it to relevance. They tease another Superplex spot and Brock gets his big comeback, but just as he’s about to F5 Show, The Best Damn Tag Team Period (we really need a shorter name) runs in for the DQ. So, I guess Charlie and Shelton are “Team Show” now? Or wait, no, I got it! Tag Name: “Wight Boys”! Kurt runs down to help Brock out and lands an Angle Slam on Show, and then Mr. America shows up, because fuck you. 6-man tag next week, if you couldn’t already tell.
And that’s our show! Join us next week for SmackDown from Madison Square Garden, featuring:
- An Open Challenge from John Cena
- Undertaker & The APA vs. The Full-Blooded Italians
- Matt Hardy vs. Rikishi in a United States Championship Tournament match
- Roddy Piper & Sean O’Haire vs. Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri, WWE Tag Team Championships
- Brock Lesnar, Kurt Angle & Mr. America vs. The Big Show & The Best Damn Tag Team Period
- …And the debut of Ultimo Dragon!
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
