Photo: WWE

Retro Pops & Botches: WWE SmackDown – 06.05.2003

 

Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri outsmarted Team Angle once again, Mr. America proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s NOT Hulk Hogan, the Basham Brothers appeared out of thin air and Big Show pinned Brock Lesnar. You can watch this week’s episode on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. Next Big Thing!

POP, I GUESS?: Disarmer

We kick off the show with Piper’s Pit, which means we’re either getting a Vince McMahon promo or a Mr. America one. Roddy’s done like four or five Piper’s Pits so far and he’s had exactly two guests. That is, until tonight! Tonight’s guess is Zach Gowen… which means we’re getting a Vince McMahon promo AND a Mr. America one. That’s what I like about SmackDown, the consistency. Piper cuts a short promo implying Zach Gowen might be mentally handicapped and out comes Vince, because god knows we can’t have anyone else do a show-opening promo. Vince recognizes Zach Gowen as an American success story, just like him, and offers Mr. America a chance to earn a WWE contract for Zach. Next week on SmackDown, Zach Gowen’s WWE contract will hang in the balance in an arm wrestling match: Mr. McMahon against… Zach Gowen.

Vince: What’s the matter, Zach? You do look like you have two arms.

And then he does this:

I love Vince McMahon sometimes. Stephanie has a problem with Vince bullying a fucking handicapped kid on her show, so she stands up to him. Steph says she’ll happily hand Zach Gowen a contract, so Vince threatens to fire her over it. If you can’t tell by now, we got a big McMahon Family Drama angle coming our way, so… stay tuned for that? Vince tells Stephanie that she desperately needs some help around the office, so he got her a new assistant: Sable. I would complain about this, but at least Sable’s not feuding with Torrie Wilson anymore. Silver lining. Steph asks her father what position Sable is qualified for, and reminds him that she sued WWE for sexual harassment. Vince accuses Stephanie of being jealous of Sable’s looks, which is a perfectly normal and healthy thing for a man to accuse his daughter of.

FINE: Chuck the Schmuck

The Undertaker’s big rivalry with the FBI continues (to the delight of no one, really) with a singles match against Chuck Palumbo. It’s not underwhelming, since expectations for Undertaker vs. Chuck Palumbo are fairly low to begin with. You’d expect Taker to go the Best Pure Striker In All Of WWE™ route and start throwing those patented Soup Bones™, but he takes an unusually technical approach. They go for five minutes and Chuck gets a fair bit of unimpressive offense before falling to the Chokeslam. I can’t think of any good Undertaker matches that ended with a Chokeslam, can you? The FBI attack afterwards (because they’re the FBI and it’s the only thing they know how to do) but they fail (because they don’t know how to do it well). Chuck Palumbo would eventually go on to steal Taker’s entire gimmick in five years.

POP: Super Bash Bros.

Fresh off the very, uh… let’s say “understated” debut of The Basham Brothers, our newest tag team battles the champs in non-title action. Yeah, just like that. Two guys you’ve never seen before show up with zero fanfare or explanation and now they’re wrestling the tag champs. Who booked this, AEW? Pretty good sub-5 minute tag team match here, incidentally. The Bashams don’t pull off a star-making performance or anything but they’re competent, and they work at the champs’ pace. I feel like WWE captured lightning in a bottle when they put the belts on Eddie and Tajiri. They’re such a perfect combination, you know? Extremely good, crazy popular, surprisingly adept at working southern style tag team matches and they fit each other like a glove. Instant chemistry. And we better enjoy it, cause just like Benoit and Angle, they won’t last long.

Tazz: Tajiri owns a business right in LA you know, Cole?
Cole: […] Tajiri has a business out here?
Tazz: Yeah, I went to it last night, it’s a sushi/stripper joint.
Cole: A sushi strip club…?
Tazz: Oh yeah, no, it’s good, you know, it’s called “Eat ‘Em Raw”, it’s a helluva place.

There’s still not much to say about the Bashams from a character standpoint, or in general. They haven’t even talked yet, we only know they’re heels because they’re dressed like assholes. And unfortunately, they don’t have their awful Poundland Kill Bill theme song yet, either. They isolate Eddie for a bit until Eddie hits a beautiful back suplex on Danny (I think). Tajiri gets the hot tag and does all his spots, including a Tarantula, which distracts the ref while Eddie lands a Tanahashi-esque Frog Splash to the small of the back on Doug (I think). Tajiri lines him up for the Buzzsaw kick, and that’s another win for the tag champs. Now if only there was a way to do Eddie and Tajiri vs. Angle and Benoit…

POP: I Need a Hero

Ladies and gentlemen: Kurt Angle. Be still my beating heart. We get a couple (read: two) Best of Kurt Angle moments through the first half of the show, the Milk Truck segment and the “Jimmy Cracked Corn and I Don’t Care” segment. Personally, I would’ve thrown in the entirety of Kurt vs. Shane McMahon just for the hell of it, but oh well. Conspicuous by their absence are Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas; according to commentary, they called in sick. Hm. Well, Kurt gets a monster pop, and he even asks the sound guys to play his theme song again so he can hear the people scream “You Suck”. He’s even happy to hear the “What” chants again. Kurt’s got a weird relationship with wrestling crowds, I’ll tell ya.

Kurt’s first course of action is to call his shot for the WWE Championship. I should mention, Brock and Big Show are having a rematch for the title next week. It’s gonna be big, you don’t wanna miss it. Kurt would like to thank a very special someone for visiting him in the hospital while he was away, but before he can reveal who it is, Big Show interrupts. He tells Kurt to get in line because he’s taking the WWE title from Brock next week, all while cornering him against the turnbuckle. Show cuts a whole-ass promo like this. Kurt’s in pure babyface mode tonight, so he literally hands Show a box of breath strips. He climbs up to Bret’s rope so he can talk down to Show, which is great, and reminds him that the last time they wrestled, Kurt beat Show’s ass for the WWE title.

Show tries to Chokeslam Kurt, so Brock runs out wearing this cutoff shirt with a collar so tight it’s practically a turtleneck. Big Show backs off like any good heel would, leaving Brock and Kurt alone in the ring. Angle tells Brock he doesn’t believe he’ll beat Big Show next week, which is a little odd considering Brock’s kicked Big Show’s big ass every other week for like six months. Despite this, Kurt reveals it was actually Brock who came to visit him in the hospital, becoming great friends in the process. Brock tells Kurt he’ll get his title shot as soon as he’s done with Show, and the two shake hands. So Kurt Angle’s a babyface now, which begs the question, where the hell is Team Angle?

BOTCH: Thanks, Rhyno

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: John Cena vs. Chris Benoit. Remember how I used to joke that every SmackDown episode came pre-booked with an Angle/Benoit match? That’s Cena/Benoit now. This is the third time they’ve ran this match and yet it feels like it’s the eleventh. Cena’s rap is as follows:

These flying Cruiserweights, they don’t deserve a second look
It’s like watching a Haiti kid beat up on Lord Littlebrook
And they’re so light in the pants, they should be transvestites
I got more hits on the mic than free porno websites
I got kids carving double horns on they bathroom stall
I ain’t in this for the money man, LeBron James took it all
Hey, Chris Benoit? Yeah, you got fans but I don’t respect you
The only Wolverine I see is in X-Men 2
And I beat up any preppy punk wearing Abercrombie & Fitch
I’ll sign his autograph first, then run away with his…

That Lord Littlebrook line was a DEEP cut, huh. The John Cena/Chris Benoit matchup is a serious case of diminishing returns. It’s not that they’re suddenly incapable of having a good match together, it’s just… nothing. The wrestling is good, but there’s nothing to this. Which has become a reoccurring theme in Chris Benoit’s matches, to tell you the truth. I can’t wrap my head around it. Arguably the greatest in-ring worker of all time, and he hasn’t been able to do a proper good match since April. They bump the ref, Cena hits a low blow and goes for his trusted chain, and that’s Rhyno’s cue to run out. He tries to stop Cena and accidentally punches Benoit with the chain, giving Cena the cheap win. Not sure what the point of this was, and it only went 3 minutes. Can we give Benoit something to do? Anything. Please.

BOTCH: The Curse of the Nobles

uh oh

Speaking of treading water, Torrie Wilson and Rikishi battle Nidia and Jamie Noble in a mixed tag match. I swear to god, I’m gonna get all the way to March 2004 and I’m still gonna be reviewing Torrie/Nidia tags. Is there seriously NOTHING for Torrie Wilson to do? Can’t she just become some guy’s manager or something so she can get booked on these shows without necessitating a match with Nidia or Dawn Marie every goddamn week? Anyways, they wrestle, Nidia takes a Stinkface, Torrie wins. My only note is that WWE partnered up with Maxim to set up a contest for a blind date with a WWE Diva, and now I really want to know how that panned out.

POP: A Crown for El Rey

For the first time in the column (for the first time EVER, probably) the Cruiserweight title is up for grabs in our main event. California’s own Rey Mysterio gets his long-awaited WrestleMania rematch against Matt Hardy, who’s been champ for about 100 days. It’s pretty crazy that Rey debuted in WWE in September 2002 and he still hadn’t gotten his hands on the Cruiserweight title by June 2003. You’d think that’d be top priority, right? It’s like when WWE made another Cruiserweight title and waited a whole year before handing it to Neville. We’re in Anaheim, CA tonight so Rey gets an even bigger pop than usual. And hey, look everyone, it’s Dominick and little Aalyah! I think that’s how you spell it!

Before the main, Eddie gives Rey a pep talk and tells him to win this for La Raza. I’m sorry, la razaaaaaaaaa! I believe this marks the first instance of Eddie and Rey’s dynamic in WWE, which would eventually become an integral part of their characters. Our Matt Facts for today? “MATT IS TALLER THAN REY MYSTERIO” (fact check: true) and “MATT DESPISES TRAFFIC”. I’ll cut right to the chase, this match kicks ass. Maybe one of the best SmackDown main events of all time? You got two midcard guys who fully realize this is the first and only time the Cruiserweight Championship will ever be relevant, and they go out and have a complete banger. There’s a legit big fight feel to this, which again, VERY unusual for the Cruiserweight title. You know, the belt that barely gets defended and seems to run matches under a four minute time-limit.

It’s a little surprising too because, as good as Matt Hardy was at wrestling Cruiserweights, his actual title reign had been extremely hit or miss. Most of his good matches with Cruiserweights happened before he won the belt. What we have here, though, is a beautifully worked 13-minute main with a crazy hot crowd. Rey has to overcome interference from Crash and Shannon, but he’s unable to land the West Coast Pop. The match builds and builds as Matt works over Rey’s legs (and groin), culminating with a fantastic nearfall off his diving leg drop from all the way up the top rope. Matt gets frustrated and looks for the Twist of Fate but Rey manages a Jackknife rollup, and three seconds later, Rey Mysterio is your new Cruiserweight champion. About damn time.

And that’s our show! Join us next week for SmackDown, featuring:

  • Matt Hardy vs. Rey Mysterio, Cruiserweight Championship
  • Undertaker vs. Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli
  • Zach Gowen vs. Vince McMahon in an Arm Wrestling Match
  • Chris Benoit & Rhyno vs. The Basham Brothers
  • John Cena vs. Funaki
  • Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar, WWE Championship
  • …And the return of the A-Train. Hell yeah?

Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!