Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, the Mr. America bullshit took up a third of the episode, Los Guerreros took Kurt Angle hostage, Sable challenged Torrie Wilson to undress on PPV and the Big Show became a stretcher enthusiast. You can watch this week’s episode on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. We’re just days away from Judgment Day, daddy! Next Big Thing!
BOTCH: Get a Leg Up
Mr. McMahon opens the show with a promo, and I guess we’ll just have to get used to Vince taking up 30 minutes out of every episode going forward. I know Vince McMahon was all the rage in 1999, and I understand why, but I miss when SmackDown opened shows with wrestling matches, you know? We’ve also got a Piper’s Pit segment with Mr. America later in the show, so I hope you like this angle, because you’ll be getting a lot of it. So, Vince accuses that mischievous Mr. America of battering his daughter Stephanie last week. Recall, Steph got knocked out in the Mr. America/Vince tussle, we’re making a whole thing out of it. Despite this, Vince says he won’t waste any energy beating up Mr. America, he’ll just hire someone else to do it. Enter the FBI.
Who would’ve thought the FBI would end up SmackDown’s top heels? Can’t wait for Brock vs. Nunzio on the next PPV, that should be good. The Italians volunteer to deal with Mr. McMahon’s red white and blue pest, and the production team plays a compilation of the FBI’s greatest hits. These include: Press slamming Rikishi (in a match they lost), breaking Nathan Jones’ ankle (after a match they lost), ganging up on Chris Benoit (after another match they lost), whacking Taker with a chair and trapping Brock in a locker room. Impressive stuff. Vince invites Nunzio to his office to go over the details, and we smoothly transition into our first match: Chuck Palumbo vs. Rikishi. The legendary Rikishi/FBI feud continues! Nunzio tries to intimidate Kish on the ramp and Vince looks at him like he just saw an alligator crawl out of a sewer.
Rikishi deals with the heels and gets the same solid pop he always gets, but the numbers game proves too much and Palumbo secures a historic second win for the FBI with a Superkick. As the Italians lay the boots to Kishi, we cut to Brock Lesnar entering the arena, dropping his bags on the floor, walking onto the stage and making a beeline for the heels. I love it, Brock strolls into the building and within fifteen seconds he’s already hit an F5 on Palumbo. Backstage, Stephanie commends Brock for his display of ruthless aggression, and then she gives him a little pep talk ahead of his stretcher match this Sunday. Steph is a cool boss!
Shortly after this, Stephanie enters her office and finds two lovely bouquets sitting on her desk. She initially thinks Vince sent them, but nope, one’s from Hogan and the other is from Mr. America. Her dad would’ve probably sent her some Popeye’s or something. Vince appears out of thin air and we think he’s going to apologize for inadvertently bruising Steph last week, but again, nope, he blames her for fumbling everything. Stephanie leaves Vince to his own devices, because honestly, what does he even need a GM for if he’s just going to be at the show every week? Before she leaves the arena, Steph thanks Mr. America for the flowers and kisses him on the cheek. God, I hope this doesn’t go where I think it’s going.
So we get to the Piper’s Pit segment later in the show, and it’s yet another week of Sean O’Haire walking out, saying nothing and pointing at Hot Rod. Boy, what a run he’s had so far. Piper throws his hat in the ring and demands a match with Mr. America at Judgment Day, not for Vince, but for himself. Before I tear my eyes out at the prospect of Mr. America vs. Roddy Piper in 2003, Mr. America himself comes out waving Old Glory. He hands the flag out to a thin dude sitting in the front row wearing a Mr. America shirt, which, might as well wear a shirt that says “plant” at that point. Mr. America calls Piper “sister” (because of the kilt, get it) and accepts Piper’s challenge for the PPV. Have some mercy on me SmackDown, I’m begging you.
In between Piper’s unintelligible screaming (which is great, I’ll admit), he tells the plant on the front row to stop waving the American flag or else. Hot Rod uses the fan as a distraction to strike, but Mr. America hulks up gets patriotic and wipes him out. Unfortunately for all us Mr. America fans, O’Haire attacks with a steel chair and the heels work together to unmask our hero. But wait! The plant comes to the aid of Mr. America brandishing the American flag… and gets immediately wrecked by O’Haire. Piper tries to stop security from removing the fan out of the ring, and he ends up pulling the kid’s prosthetic leg clean off. Yes, this is exactly who you think it is. O’Haire is so disgusted by this sight that he straight up turns around and leaves, which seems wildly out of character for him, but whatever. Awful segment.
???: Fit Check
After the opening match, we get a little video package of Mr. America paying tribute to the troops and then smash cut to Torrie Wilson wearing a silk robe. She undresses (for no reason, really) and promises to wear something even more revealing this Sunday. Man, that was a close one! Can you believe we almost went one episode without seeing Torrie Wilson’s ass? Later in the show we get a tale of the tape for this bikini contest, in case some of you freaks really needed to know Sable’s hip-to-waist ratio. Then Sable shows up to disrobe as well. She’s wearing a g-string, which I won’t screencap. I don’t know if wrestling logic applies to bikini contests but why are they building to this thing by having both ladies undress on free TV? These are the questions a SmackDown viewer ponders.
SLIGHT POP: No Complaints
Cruiserweight title on the line (woah don’t get too excited there, reader) as Matt Hardy Version 1.0 defends against Tajiri. No complaints, provided it goes longer than 3 minutes. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT THINKS TAJIRI WEIGHS TOO MUCH TO BE A CRUISERWEIGHT” and “MATT CAN EAT MORE SUSHI THAN TAJIRI”. I bet he can’t eat more sushi than me though, I’m a goddamn menace. But I digress. It’s cool to see Tajiri finally return to the Cruiserweight division, or whatever’s left of it. All he’s done since Mania is hang around Rey Mysterio and annoy Team Angle. The Tajiri/Team Angle bit will actually become important soon, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
It’s (say it with me, folks) another neat little cruiserweight match, as Tajiri does his cool moves and kicks Matt’s book into Crash’s stupid face before walking into a Twist of Fate and losing. And it went… 4 minutes. Well, fair’s fair, no complaints. Post-match, Matt grabs a mic and exclaims he has all the Mattributes necessary to deal with Mr. America this Sunday at Judgment Day, so Tajiri dives onto him to shut him up. The idea of every heel on SmackDown gunning down Mr. America like the assassins from Arkham Origins sounds fairly entertaining but I really don’t need to see Matt Hardy bump for Mr. America anytime soon.
FINE: Everybody into the Pool
John Cena heads to the ring for our next match, and I just had to screencap this lady in the crowd doing the Word Life handsign. Love it. Our Cena rap this week is as follows:
I will squash Mr. America. Vinnie Mac, please pick me!
I’ll change him back to the Hulk so quick, you think his name was Bill Bixby
And then at Judgment Day, you can throw away that patriotic mask, man
Don’t recycle Hulkamania, throw it in the trash can
And Chris Benoit? You think I’ll let your Crossface hurt me?
I cross your face with steel chains, I throw you back like my jersey
Have you wrapped up in so many bandages, they think you Saudi Arabian
Instead of the Canadian Crippler, you just be a Crippled Canadian
Yo, I can’t skate, but I still play with my pucks and stick
I’ll have ‘em calling you John Bobbit, cause I cut off your…
As you can infer, Cena’s opponent is Chris Benoit, so it’s a rematch of the tournament finals from last month. I praised that match for being Cena’s best up to that point, so I’m down for part II. Benoit chops the living shit out of Cena to start off but John gets the upper hand before long, and I’ll give him some credit, he’s slowly improving. He’s not the most exciting worker, but at least he’s not doing those three-minute rest holds anymore. The FBI run down and distract Benoit, because… because they’re still feuding with Benoit, I reckon. I’m not sure why, they already beat Benoit and Rhyno in that tag match last week, but you know how the FBI love to feud with everyone at all times.
Back from commercial break, Cena has Benoit in a rest hold (motherfucker) and he focuses all his offense on Benoit’s left shoulder, because John Cena is the thinking man’s pro wrestler. He goes for the same move once too often, though, and Benoit’s able to mount a great comeback, culminating with the always scary long-distance diving headbutt. Nunzio runs in to fuck shit up but Benoit immediately throws him out, and then swiftly reverses the distraction FU into a Crossface. I love how Benoit’s just got a Spidey Sense for shenanigans and shuts down interference 95% of the time. Sadly, he’s unable to sense Johnny the Bull running in and stomping him out for the DQ. Rhyno comes down to Gore Stamboli, Nunzio thwacks Rhyno’s injured knee with a chair and Spanky shows up to round it all up. I told you, these undercard feuds, it’s all connected.
SLIGHT POP: Kurt Ángulo
Our boy Eddie Guerrero is flying solo this week, unfortunately Chavo injured his bicep off screen and he won’t be back until September. We were THIS close to the Guerreros/Team Angle ladder blowoff so the timing isn’t ideal, but Chavo’s injury will lead to a singles push for Eddie in the coming months, so it’s not all bad. This also means Eddie needs a partner for this Sunday, and I know it won’t be Benoit, but it should be. Eddie’s still holding the spirit of Kurt Angle hostage, and he applies some affirmative action to turn him into a cholo. Nothing more Mexican than a bald man with a stache and goatee. Tazz says Kurt looks like “Eddie’s cousin, Dirty Sanchez”. No comment. Eddie battles Shelton Benjamin in the de-facto main event of the evening, this fucking show had four matches and a combined 22 minutes of in-ring action.
Shelton vs. Eddie’s already happened once before and they left a lot of meat on the bone, but I don’t think we’ll get a barn burning PPV quality outing tonight. During Eddie’s entrance, we cut to Vince McMahon yelling at Piper and O’Haire for creating yet another PR nightmare with the stunt they pulled earlier. And then we jump straight into the match, no bell or nothing. The Mr. America angle has gotten so bad it’s literally bleeding into completely unrelated matches. Eddie and Shelton have a really good match while it lasts, but Charlie runs out holding a big ass ladder like a complete tool, allowing Shelton to hit a surprise Superkick for the win. Basically the same finish as Palumbo/Rikishi. Team Angle look to attack Eddie after the bell but Latino Heat dropkicks the ladder into their faces before FINALLY smashing Kurt’s portrait upside Shelton’s head.
Took him long enough. Oh and by the way, post-match, Vince tells Piper he’s got Mr. America this Sunday at Judgment Day. So, uh. Yippie.
SLIGHT POP: Return of the King
After about two weeks on the shelf, Rey Mysterio returns home to SmackDown! Sure hope nothing bad happens to him this time. We close this episde with an interview segment where little Rey-Rey announces he’ll be back in action soon, and he’s coming after… the Cruiserweight title. Huh. Not Big Show, not Brock, not the WWE championship, just the Cruiserweight title. I guess I commend him for being realistic about his current status, but that’s like if Owen Hart showed up after the Montreal Screwjob and called out Marc Mero. He says he wants to become champion in WWE, which he already did like six months ago. Cole asks Rey if he’d ever be willing to get in the ring with Big Show and Rey takes a very dramatic pause and says he doesn’t know. And then…
Holy shit, man. Segment gets a Pop just for that. Show comically carries Rey to the ring while holding a stretcher, which Rey promptly uses as a seesaw to get some offense in. It doesn’t last very long, obviously, and Show puts Rey back down with ease. That’s Brock’s cue to run in for the save (could’ve probably done that earlier but I guess he got distracted introducing himself to Sable). Brock levels Show with an F5 and storms off but Big Show quickly gets back up. And then Rey bulldogs Show to get some heat back. Show doesn’t look too threatening right about now, but still, commentary asks: If an F5 and an assist from Rey couldn’t keep the Big Show down, what’s it going to take this Sunday at Judgment Day? Maybe two F5s? Perhaps three?!
And that’s our show! Join us next time for Judgment Day, featuring:
- A Battle Royal for Raw’s vacant Intercontinental Championship
- Scott Steiner & Test vs. La Résistance
- Spanky, Chris Benoit & Rhyno vs. John Cena & The FBI
- Mr. America vs. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
- Sable vs. Torrie Wilson in a Bikini Challenge
- Trish Stratus vs. Jacqueline vs. Victoria vs. Jazz, Women’s Championship
- Eddie Guerrero & ??? vs. Team Angle, WWE Tag Team Championships
- Kevin Nash vs. Triple H, World Heavyweight Championship
- …And Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar in a Stretcher Match for the WWE Championship
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
