Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Los Guerreros promised to never ever steal anything ever again, Spanky dropped a couple bars, The FBI got their first win in history, Brock Lesnar set his sights on the Big Show and Mr. America made his SmackDown debut. You can watch this week’s episode on the Cock or on the Network. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. We’re still on The Road to Judgment Day, baby! Next Big Thing!
BOTCH: 30 Fucking Minutes
We begin the show with a recap of last week’s stupendous main event debut of Mr. America. Vince’s music plays in the arena, and we all know what that means: show opening promo. Strap yourselves in. Vince lets us know that Hulk Hogan will appear tonight LIVE from his home in Tampa, Florida. If Hogan can’t physically be here, that means Mr. America can’t physically be here. At least in theory. Vince recaps everything that’s happened since April while talking shit on the Halifax, Nova Scotia crowd, who make sure to remind him of that time he screwed Bret.
Even you Canadians… even you Canadians – some of whom, I’ve been told, are mentally challenged – even you know damn well that Mr. America really is Hulk Hogan.
At the seven minute mark, Stephanie shows up so Vince can chew her out. No comment on Stephanie tonight, I’m keeping this wholesome. Vince is noticeably pissed at the “little lady”, but Steph claims she did what she thought was best for the SmackDown fans. To counter Eric Bischoff’s offer, Stephanie signed Mr. America to an iron-clad contract, which explains why he can’t be fired or suspended. Though it doesn’t explain why Stephanie or Bischoff would trip over themselves trying to sign a wrestler who didn’t exist before April 2003 without knowing who he is or what he looks like. Mr. America literally popped up out of thin air, got two or three hype vignettes and landed a fucking Scott Hall contract. Am I wrong? Doesn’t this sound insane to anyone else?
Stephanie says the only way for Vince to break Mr. America’s contract is to definitively prove that Mr. America is Hulk Hogan. I’m sorry, I know this is a wrestling show and I shouldn’t be asking this, but does the contract read “Mr. America”? Are Mr. America’s checks addressed to Mr. America? What’s Mr. America’s address, 1776 Old Glory Boulevard? Did WWE’s legal department sign a masked man under his fucking pseudonym? If this isn’t the stupidest angle of all time. Vince tells Steph to scram and, at the eleven minute mark, Hogan calls into the show. He says he’s NOT Mr. America, and they talk and talk and talk and talk. This goes on for another five minutes. Vince says, well, if Hulk Hogan is stuck 3.000 miles away in Florida, why doesn’t Mr. America show up tonight? Hogan says “bet”.
Funaki tells Vince that Mr. America is indeed in the building, though McMahon dismisses it as an impostor in condescending (and slightly racist) fashion. Throughout the show, we see Mr. America make his way around backstage, though his face is comically hidden away. Eventually “Real American” starts playing and the man himself shows up. He’s shot from really far away so as to not give away who he is, like Mr. America doesn’t have the most recognizable pro wrestling body this side of Giant Baba. As expected, this is obviously the real Mr. America so Vince shows up to yell at him, followed by Stephanie. Vince uses Stephanie as a distraction to try and unmask Mr. America, but he gets bumped into her and knocks her out. Mr. America disposes of Vince and carries Stephanie away like the American hero he is.
You might be surprised to hear this, but so far this is the worst thing I’ve reviewed on this column. Worse than the Dawn Marie/Al Wilson angle, worse than the Scott Steiner matches, worse than anything Bill DeMott or Nathan Jones ever did. Here’s the thing: the IDEA of Vince McMahon trying to prove Mr. America is actually Hulk Hogan is pretty funny. It is, I’m serious. Just look at Mr. America, this has so much potential to be funny. But if you add up every Mr. America segment tonight, that’s 30 minutes out of an 85 minute show.
That’s insane.
It’s such an unbelievable waste of my time and yours. Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon are two of the best talkers in WWE history but they talk FOR AGES about all this shit we’ve already seen. And who benefits? Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon. That’s the endgame here: more Hulk Hogan and more Vince McMahon. There’s not a chance in hell Sean O’Haire gets any kind of rub off of this, you know? There was a time not too long ago where those 30 minutes would get filled up with, I don’t know, Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio and Kurt Angle vs. Edge, but here we are! Week two of Mr. America and already I’m clawing my eyes out.
POP: What Do You Want, A Medal?
Moving on! Our first match (16 minutes in) is Eddie Guerrero vs. Matt Hardy Version 1.0. Eddie and Chavo come out wearing Kurt’s precious gold medals while Matt’s seemingly stuck in undercard hell until Rey comes back. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT HATES WAKING UP BEFORE NOON” and “MATT EATS SLOWLY TO SAVOR HIS FOOD”. According to Tazz, that last one helps him stay under the 220lb weight limit, though at this point the Cruiserweight Matt Hardy angle has pretty much lost all steam. Eddie vs. Matt is a solid opener, Eddie’s already got the crowd eating out the palm of his hand and he’s still got a great 2003 ahead of him. Matt hits a couple Side Effects early on and tries another one after his patented “AAAAAAAAAAAAH” legdrop gets a nearfall, but Eddie has the move scouted and reverses into a Peterson Roll for three.
Before I can complain about the Cruiserweight champ taking yet another L, Team Angle bumrush Chavo at ringside and snatch their medals back. After a great Kurt Angle return vignette, the champs return later in the show to battle the team of spare babyfaces Rikishi and Tajiri. Another week, another good Team Angle tag! Tajiri and Rikishi are great for these types of matches because the crowd still likes them no matter how often they lose. They do their spots, they get their pops and the champs secure the win with their gnarly Manhattan Drop/Superkick/Jackknife pin combo, which I’m dubbing “Death Tri-Angle”. Such a great tag finisher, someone should steal that. Speaking of stealing, Eddie and Chavo pull another fast one on the champs and escape through the crowd holding Kurt and his gold medals hostage. The Guerreros just stole Team Angle’s manager!
POP: Jamie, Always
Great news, it’s another good match courtesy of the Cruiserweights. Next up out of Washington, it’s Brian “Spanky” Kendrick against SmackDown’s dark horse Jamie Noble. I know you’re probably tired of me praising Jamie Noble every week but I mean it when I say, no matter how bad SmackDown gets, give Jamie four minutes and you got an easy pop. This is a rematch from the post-Mania episode, it was good then and it’s good now. Spanky’s still got issues with Cena after John fucked his whole life up last week, and we see Cena paying close attention backstage. Jamie dodges a beautiful moonsault from Kendrick but leaves himself wide open for an equally beautiful Sliced Bread #2, and Spanky gets another win over the Redneck Messiah. No complaints, though I’d like to see the Cruiserweights wrestle longer than five minutes someday.
BOTCH: Body on Body
Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie again. Life is pain. Sable sits at ringside for this match, AGAIN, this feels like the fourth time they’ve had Torrie wrestle while Sable sits at ringside. God seems to be smiling down on me, though, as Torrie vs. Dawn goes a whole-ass 45 seconds. They do a long catfight spot, Mike Sparks grabs a handful and Torrie immediately reverses a Fire-woman’s Carry into a Sunset Flip to take it home. But wait a minute folks, Sable’s got something to say! She passive-aggressively congratulates Torrie and challenges her, one on one, to a bikini contest at Judgment Day. “THE Playboy Centerfold against a Playboy Centerfold”. Tazz is very happy about it. Which of these two has the most Sablelicious body? Buy Judgment Day on PPV to find out! You can’t miss this!!!
FINE: The SmackDown Midcard Situation
SmackDown’s second hottest rapper John Cena has another singles bout with Rhyno. Their match two weeks ago was weak, and to be honest with you, I’m not hyped about this one. Cena’s freestyle is as follows:
So tonight, John Cena’s gotta fight a rhinoceros
I rip his crotch out, make him see a gynecologist
You’re half man and half beast, is that supposed to impress me?
Man, my fist gon’ swell your face, you be the white Dizzy Gillespie
I bet you fans think Rhyno’s gonna give me the Gore!
I beat his ass so sore, it’s like he did a prison tour
Yo, this is Thuganomics, I excel beyond sports
He rocks a horn on his head? I rock a horn in my shorts
And to that kid, Spanky, imitating my flows?
I’m glad I broke his nose and ripped off his freaking clothes
He had the whole crowd chanting “Cena sucks”
You think I do? Well F-U, cause I just don’t give a [Rhyno’s theme plays]
If you listen closely, you can hear the crowd start to cheer for Cena. We’ll come back to that in time, don’t worry. Spanky sits in on commentary for this one, and he stops Cena from using his chain after Rhyno gets the upper hand. John loses the tug of war and stumbles backwards into a schoolboy rollup, giving Rhyno the win in short but inoffensive order. Cena attacks Rhyno after the bell and chases Spanky, but Rhyno intercepts him outside. Cena dodges the ensuing Gore and Rhyno accidentally rams his knee into the steel steps. Notice all these intertwining feuds between Spanky, Cena, Rhyno, Benoit and the FBI, they’ll become important soon. Well, maybe not “important”, but they’ll overlap.
FINE: Stretch Marks
We get a full, and I mean full, recap of Big Show’s heinous attack on Rey Mysterio at Backlash. You know, in case this episode needed more padding. It’s funny because the longest match on the show goes 5:15. Rey will be here on SmackDown next week, hopefully he shows up hooked up to an IV machine. Brock Lesnar is scheduled to team up with Chris Benoit (Wolverine and Beast!) against Big Show and A-Train in our main event, but before that, he challenges Big Show to a Stretcher Match at Judgment Day. Huh. That should be interesting. Early in the show we catch a glimpse of Big Show conspiring with Main Event Heel Stable the FBI, and right before our main event Nunzio walks up to Brock Lesnar and tells him to start showing some respect. And then he slaps him in the back of the head.
When he’s standing next to such an imposing athlete, you can clearly see how small Brock Lesnar is. Brock gives chase and falls right into the FBI’s ambush, as the Italians lure him into a room and lock him inside with the help of a goddamn forklift. Of course, this was all part of Big Show’s plan, and our main event is now Big Show vs. Canada’s own Chris Benoit 1-on-1. Show promises that Benoit will go out on a stretcher, since that’s his thing now. Benoit’s able to deal with A-Train, but Show blocks the Crossface and hits a strong Chokeslam for the win. The heels put Benoit on the stretcher afterwards and Brock somehow makes his way to the ring to F5 Train, but he gets chokeslammed as well. HUGE missed opportunity by not having Show chokeslam Brock onto Benoit strapped to the stretcher.
And that’s our show! Join us next time for SmackDown, featuring:
- Rikishi vs. Chuck Palumbo
- Tajiri vs. Matt Hardy, Cruiserweight Championship
- Chris Benoit vs. John Cena
- Eddie Guerrero vs. Shelton Benjamin
- Piper’s Pit, featuring Mr. America
- …And the return of Rey Mysterio!
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
