IT’S WEDNESDAY NIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Heya folks! Welcome back to another riveting week of AEW Dynamite! Last week’s episode of Dynamite sure was a fiery one, wasn’t it? Even though Cody took the brunt of that spot and still won, his body definitely lost the war. But not only did Cody almost burn to death, Sting wrestled in Atlanta for the first time since Bobby Petrino coached the Falcons. What a time to be alive. As we fly into this week’s episode of Dynamite (including the Dynamite Diamond Battle Royale!), I’m just hoping, praying, begging, that we don’t have any special guest commentators at the booth tonight. For the love of God, after last week’s shenanigans, I am okay throwing Schiavone, Excalibur and whoever is replacing JR up in the skybox and let them call the action from there. Speaking of boxing, whatever happened to Bart Gunn?
Let’s start off with Punk being a punk! MJF’s music hits to start the show and out comes…..CM Punk! And boy, Punk lays into Long Island. He doesn’t pull any punches and is disappointed in the fans that MJF is who they’re willing to ride or die with. Punk calls them chicken shit for MJF being their hero. He even compares it to when Dennis Rodman left the Pistons and joined his Bulls. “That’s my worm!” We’re just going to leave it at that.
Welp, that led to this immediately out of the commercial break:
The pride of Plainview, New York…@The_MJF is back on Long Island for the Dynamite Diamond Battle Royale! Will he keep his Dynamite Diamond Ring? Watch #AEWDynamite LIVE everywhere on @tntdrama NOW! pic.twitter.com/ua8qWUHqhp
— All Elite Wrestling (@AEW) December 9, 2021
And wouldn’t ya know it, MJF (complete with his varsity letter jacket) is the only man out for the Dynamite Diamond Battle Royale who gets a full entrance. He is absolutely loving being cheered in Long Island. Man, it just hits different at home, doesn’t it?
POP: Royale Flush
All the participants jump in once MJF enters the ring and we have ourselves a Battle Royale! It doesn’t take long for the action to get going as our first elimination comes quick.
Lee Moriarty eliminated by Wardlow
Before we can even fathom how Lee Moriarty is already out of the battle royale, we get another elimination.
Matt Sydal is eliminated by Powerhouse Hobbs
On the outside of the ring, The Bunny slips brass knuckles onto Matt Hardy’s hand as Jay Lethal is trying to throw him out. Hardy pushes him back and punches him in the bicep, instantly knocking him out (of course) allowing Hardy to easily finish him off.
Jay Lethal eliminated by Matt Hardy
Dante Martin sees an opportunity to eliminate the leader of the Hardy Family Office, which is…a bold choice, my friend.
Matt Hardy eliminated by Dante Martin
This instantly leads to Martin and Lio Rush going face to face and then getting blasted by notorious big men, Wardlow and Powerhouse Hobbs respectively. Wardlow manages to clothesline Hobbs to the apron and Rush flips at his face to send him packing.
Powerhouse Hobbs is eliminated by Lio Rush
Calvin Ricky Starks tries to defend the good name of Hobbs by throwing Rush over the top but Rush saves himself and staves off elimination. While all the little guys fight (and by little guys, I mean guys that are smaller than Wardlow), MJF hides behind Wardy, ostensibly being protected from elimination. After MJF cheap shots Martin, Lio distracts Wardlow long enough to get a couple shots on MJF. Wardlow grabs him and Big Shotty Lee Johnson but Martin dropkicks Wardlow into the ropes. Rush and Johnson try to flip Wardlow over the rope but are struggling. MJF can help with that.
Wardlow eliminated by MJF
Lio Rush eliminated by MJF
Lee Johnson eliminated by MJF
As MJF celebrates, Frankie Kazarian tries to get the jump on him and immediately gets tossed over the top rope.
Frankie Kazarian eliminated by MJF.
This leaves our final three men in the match. MJF vs the two FTW members, Ricky Starks and Dante Martin. As FTW stalks MJF down, Martin throws Ricky over the top and this match is over!
Ricky Starks is eliminated by Dante Martin
Well that was unexpected. Martin rips his FTW armband off and shakes hands with MJF. As Friedman leaves, Starks jumps Martin. After pondering whether or not to help, MJF sprints to the ring and gets in Starks’ face. After a couple small shoves, they both jump Dante Martin. It doesn’t take long for CM Punk to get to the ring and MJF bails, leaving Starks in there with Martin and Punk. Martin kicks him in the mouth which leads directly to a GTS!
Man, I love Battle Royales! They’re just so fun and chaotic. The Dynamite Diamond ring gives it stakes, which we can all agree, makes any match that much better. I oddly enjoy keeping track of eliminations too. As a matter of fact, when I was just a young buck (heh), I would rent the Coliseum Home Video tape of Royal Rumble on VHS and chart entries and eliminations. Even to this day, I still do it (FOR NO REASON). Half of my reading audience just tuned out at renting a VHS tape, didn’t they?
POP: Eight Men and a Babe, eh?
Out next is Jurassic Express and their buddies, Brian Pillman Jr. and Griff Garrison, complete with Julia Hart. They’re out for an eight man tag against The Acclaimed and 2point0, which means, we get another Platinum Max Special!
Yo. Listen! Yo.
The Acclaimed,
We’re this company’s pride and joy.
I’m Platinum Max, I’m an Island Boy.We pack more shows than anyone in this sport
I mean we’re bigger in New York than New York.
And if you wanna hit us with the silencer,
Y’all gonna take another L like the Islanders.And Jungle Boy still can’t cut a promo,
We’ll run your bitch ass out of town just like Cuomo!
Ahhh yeah, Max is ready. But so are the Hollywood Blondes apparently. With 2point0 and The Acclaimed regrouping on the outside, Brian goes flyin’ and Griff uh….doesn’t biff? I just mean he jumps over the rope and crushes the four bad guys on the outside, okay? It was not meant to be, however, as The Acclaimed quickly take control, which means they are able to hold Luchasaurus and Jungle Boy at bay out on the ring apron. Well, except the time when Luchasaurus shakes the rope and Jungle Boy hilariously falls to the floor. But we aren’t talking about that!
Eventually, all hell breaks loose and nobody is able to get the upper hand. That is, of course, until Jungle Boy locks in the Snare Trap on Max Caster. Daniel Garcia immediately jumps up on the apron and is pulled down by Eddie Kingston and thrown into the steel steps! Jungle Boy avoids the Mic Drop and wins the match with the Snare Trap after all. The camera follows Kingston to the back and he starts yelling words we can’t hear. Santana tries to chill him out but Eddie Kingston doesn’t exactly have a chill button. 2point0 jump them and leave them laying in a heap next to a couple of NPC security guards.
BOTCH: Water is Thicker Than Blood
Oh joy. Here come the Young Bucks, led by Brandon Cutler and Adam Cole. They’re out to face CHAOS members (and totally NOT best friends), Chuck Taylor and Rocky Romero. At least they get Orange Cassidy in their corner. By my count, that’s seven total guys for one tag team match. Everyone gets a paycheck today, y’all!
This is our weekly match to set up post match shenanigans. Now don’t get me wrong, this was a perfectly cromulent match between two tag teams. Everyone hit their spots, Adam Cole got his kiss and eventually the Young Bucks win the match with the Meltzer Driver. The Jackson Two and Cole immediately jump Rocky and Chuck. Cole jumps in, which leads to Orange Cassidy and Wheeler Yuta getting involved and ultimately, getting their asses whipped.
The Best Friends’ music hits again and we get a white minivan pulling up! We all know what that means! Trent Barretta pops out the back and gets a little smooch from Sue. He storms to the ring and spears Cutler out of his mind. He single-handedly takes out the rest of the gang and gets to celebrate his return with his, ahem, best friends while Sue and Kris Statlander look on. For the first time in a long time, we get a group hug! Sue and Statlander come down to the ring and we get another group hug! Precious.
POP: Riho Grande
Jaime Hayter and Britt Baker come out with Rebel for Hayter’s match against Riho. Look how happy Hayter and Baker are to be friends! With Baker’s impending AEW Women’s World Championship match against Riho, she is doing her best to coach Hayter on demolishing Riho for her. The mark of a true champion. Riho may only be 4’3″ and 83 pounds but she fights like a super heavyweight easily. The reality is, she’s still small and Hayter can just throw her around no problem.
Even with all the help from Rebel and Britt, Hayter just can’t put Riho away. Riho is able to take advantage of her speed (and bony knees) to pick up the victory! In a surprise to absolutely nobody, Britt jumps her after the bell and hits her with the Lock Jaw before telling her she’ll never be champion again. I gotta admit, I love when Riho beats women that are bigger than her, which is literally everybody. But it’s also so satisfying when it’s someone like Hayter who should absolutely decimate her. Not only is it so satisfying, but it lends credence that she could beat Britt Baker in a championship match. Let’s go Riho!
POP: Long Odds, Silver
This beautiful bastard comes out for his final match with Dark Order proper members. On this week of Danielson’s hometown hero assaults, he draws Long Island’s very own, John Silver. I think when Danielson kicked Colt Cabana’s teeth out of his face a few weeks ago, it lit a fire under Bryan to kick the hell out of every Dark Order member. Even better for him, he found a worthy kicking partner in John Silver tonight.
Unfortunately for Silver, Daniel Bryanson knows more than just foot-generated offense. He finishes Silver off with this Gotch-style piledriver. Danielson grabs the microphone and recounts his Dark Order head kickings then does my favorite Bryan Danielson move – the shit stomper. I wish I could watch him stomp someone for hours but alas, it was not meant to be tonight. Adam Page storms down and interrupts my stomping. He tells Danielson that at Winter is Coming next Wednesday, he’s going to stomp the Cowboy Shit out of Danielson.
"Next week, I'm gonna stomp the Cowboy Sh#!t outta you!" #AEW World Champion Hangman @theAdamPage makes a promise to No. 1 contender @bryandanielson for #AEWDynamite #WinterIsComing NEXT WEDNESDAY LIVE on TNT! pic.twitter.com/7hikpzZOYt
— All Elite Wrestling (@AEW) December 9, 2021
One small issue here for me. Shouldn’t Danielson be the one stomping the Cowboy Shit out of Hangman Adam Page? Or is Bryan Danielson a secret cowboy and I had no clue of it? Seriously, it’s all I want now. Give me Cowboy Bryan Danielson, complete with cowboy hat, chaps, boots, spurs, and maybe a little lasso. I mean, he’s already good at tying people up in knots. So why not make it official? Hell, he can ride in on Page’s horse from Stadium Stampede next week. I’m here for it!
Anyway, that’s how we end this week’s episode of Dynamite. Anytime I can get the shit stomper and a fired up Adam Page, I’ll take it. I’ll be interested to see what happens after their match on Wednesday. Assuming they don’t switch the title on free TV, do these two keep feuding or does Danielson move on to beating the hell out of every member of…I don’t know, Team Taz? I’d be here for that also, for what it’s worth. One can dream.
I hope you enjoy your week, everyone! Feel free to leave a comment below (good or bad, I’ll answer them all!) and share the column with your friends, family and followers. And seriously, join the Discord for good talk with good people. You can find me on there, Instagram or Twitter (all are @robbywardshow). Please hit me up with what you liked, what you hated, what you think I can change. I’m all ears! Wrestling united!
