IT’S WEDNESDAY NIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Heya folks! With fantasy baseball drafts happening all week, AEW still brought Dynamite to the people! They love us, they really love us. Granted, Tony Khan probably doesn’t care about baseball but if I had to guess, he’s probably working on coming up with a team to stick in Jacksonville. The Jacksonville Expos, maybe? Enough of that, let’s get to pro graps! It’s the last day in March so we’re two months out from All or Nothing but by God almighty, we’re definitely headed that way! After a scintillating show last week and with Elevation and Dark rocking the interwebs this week, I was all sorts of excited to get to Dynamite this week. For those of you that read this article (shoutout to Brute Farce for the feedback this week!), you know I love me some Dynamite so it should come as no surprise how stoked I am for this week. Alright, Blade, shut up and tell us about Dynamite! Okay, fine!
POP: Everyone, Out Worked
I was a little underwhelmed when Christian Cage was announced as the big signing at Revolution. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always enjoyed his work elsewhere but the announcement itself was just…underwhelming. Even if it was CM Punk or John Cena or anyone else, I think it still would have underwhelmed me. That being said, knowing how underrated and underutilized his peers believe he is/has been, seeing Christian Cage in his first singles match in SEVEN years was awesome. I love these folks coming back that weren’t supposed to. The American Dragon, Christian Cage, Edge, etc. As someone who is very much against the old generation coming in on a part-time basis and preventing the young stars from being built up, these guys returning that were forced to retire before they were ready has been awesome. Granted, they’ve been doing full-time schedules so that helps also.
This match was relatively basic comparatively speaking. However, it did a great job of reminding us that not only is Christian Cage back, but Frankie Kazarian knows what he’s doing. He can still go in the ring and it’s a bummer he is just a guy in SCU. For God’s sake, he was one-half of the first ever AEW tag team champions! Also great was the announce team mentioning the history between the two. Excalibur talking about being in Santa Ana 20 years ago when Cage and Kaz first tangled or their Impact ladder match from back in the day and it was just such an easy way to add importance and emotion to this match. Kaz almost gets the three after his sick springboard leg drop but Cage is a veteran of the utmost caliber and knows to kick out when he hears the ref’s hand hit for a second time! He does it again after a Spanish Fly, gets control and hits a Frog Splash, which I thought was going to end it even though he’d been attempting the Killswitch multiple times. After tossing Kazarian into the STEELRINGPOST(.com), he actually hits the Killswitch for the win. Welcome back Christian, it’s great to have you back.
We get an emo Darby/Sting vignette about Matt Hardy. Darby calls Hardy out for buying respect instead of being so good that he earned the respect and inspired others. He mentions that Hardy knows his body is breaking down and that Matt’s money won’t do shit for Darby. He says Matt will have to earn his respect.
BOTCH: Nightmare on Daily’s Place
QT Marshall is in the ring (jobber entrance alert) when we come back from the break. Cody gets his PPV entrance and in the middle of it, JR, as astute as ever, asks where QT’s entrance is. Various members of the Nightmare Family who have trained under Cody and QT are out at ringside. Arn is our special (The) enforcer and we have a friendly handshake between Cody and QT before the match. I’m sure nobody saw it coming but QT kept getting more and more upset/angry/frustrated while Cody kept pulling up whenever he had him in position to do harm to him.
It culminates with QT getting back in the ring at one point and just punching Arn square in his big, enforcing face. Everyone jumps in to check on Arn and QT goes up the ramp. The three members of the Nightmare Family that you’ve never heard of (Nick Comoroto, Aaron Solow and Olympic bronze medal winning boxer Anthony Ogogo) attack Dustin, the Gunns and Big Shotty. QT gets on top of the steps and piledrives Dustin straight to hell. Comoroto and Solow hold up Cody while Ogogo gives him a vicious left hook to the body that drops Cody. As QT prepares to give Cody a conchairto on the steel steps, Red Velvet comes out and saves Cody. Red Velvet is truly Cody’s knight in shining armor. Okay then.
I wasn’t really looking forward to this exhibition match. As a matter of fact, before the fireworks, I had actually used the match as the proverbial bathroom break match. TMI probably but that’s how excited I was. Once QT punched Arn in the mouth, I was instantly invested. Then to follow it up, Jade Cargill jumped Red Velvet in the back because she is THAT BITCH. What a great idea – running multiple stories that intertwine.
We get Jon Moxley (without Eddie for some unknown and very near-sighted reason) in his natural habitat of a red lit room. He gives all the reasons why he’s pissed off and his dialect and speaking style makes this promo fantastic. Psycho Mox is the best Mox….except when he’s being dumb with his friend Eddie, of course.
BOTCH: Et tu, Cesar?
In the aforementioned promo, Mox mentions he’s pissed off that he has to face Cesar Bononi. He comes out and just beats the shit out of Cesar. Zolph Diggler is on the outside and for some reason, thinks it’s a good idea to get involved. He interferes to give Cesar the upper hand. After some back and forth, Mox shifts Diggler’s paradigm and locks in a rear-naked choke (sleeper hold) on Cesar and puts him to sleep. This match was meant to be a squash and even though Cesar got a little offense in, a squash is exactly what it was. It was more or less a filler match and didn’t really move any stories forward. And let’s be honest, I’M VERY MAD AT YOU TONY KHAN for not giving me more Eddie/Mox in the back! Even if it’s in the red light room, give them both to me at the same time, damnit!
Let’s take a break from wrestling, shall we?
Team Taz is in the back. Left to right, we have Brian Cage looking bored with the FTW title in his lap. Next to him is Hook (wearing a vintage Rock fanny pack) playing on his phone like the child that he is. Then we have Powerhouse Hobbs who is staring to his left at Ricky Starks. Naturally, Ricky is preening like a model with pants and no socks while wearing a collared shirt and what appears to be a Livestrong bracelet. Taz is behind them to talk about conspiracy theorists. Starks interrupts to talk about Dark last night (check out Alison’s article linked above!) and Cage says they would’ve done even better had Starks tagged him in earlier. Taz gets them to sit back down and gives us the newest catchphrase – “Nobody can stop the path of rage!”
We go to MJF in the back to give his gift to The Pinnacle. They are in their locker room (complete with Pepsi machine!) and MJF introduces The Pinnacle stylist. Heretofore, he’s unnamed. MJF shits on the locker room being drab and says he got an interior designer to get the stench out of the bathroom. He opens the bathroom door and there stands the Inner Circle! MJF slams the door and says they need to leave. He opens the front door and Hager is standing there and punches MJF. Both teams brawl throughout the backstage area. Guevara slams a door on Spears’ face, Hager throws Wardlow through a massage table (Bah God, he broke it in half!) and Ortiz throws Cash into an ice bath (lol). They knock down Tully and we cut to Dax who is busted wide open. There’s blood everywhere. Jericho gives MJF a swirlie and when he pops out, MJF spits out some toilet water. Jericho says the worst is yet to come and THROWS HIM THROUGH MY PEPSI MACHINE! MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS PEPSI MACHINE! They reclaim their locker room and my goodness was all of that fantastic. Vicious Inner Circle is amazing.
Marvez finds the Young Bucks and they’re interrupted by Callis. He kicks Nick and Marvez out (and they listen…?) of the interview. Callis tells Matt that Matt broke Kenny’s heart by leaving Kenny lying in the ring bleeding. Callis says Matt’s cold and dead inside then slaps him in the face. Matt is triggered and grabs Callis by the collar. He then lets go and Callis calls him garbage and walks off.
POP: Lucha Soars
The Lucha Bros and my new homie The Laredo Kid come out for trios action against Kenny Omega and the Good Brothers. Ya know, I’m not sure why we keep calling them the Good Brothers. They’ve proven to be absolute dicks. And that’s no good. This is the match that I was looking forward to most. Just being such a huge fan of Rey Fenix and the Laredo Kid, I knew they were going to give me what I wanted. And boy did they. Rey Fenix is a star, you guys. He’s going to be world’s heavyweight champion someday and there’s nothing you or I can do about it (and why would we!). Hell, I say pull the (V) trigger on him right now! Have him dethrone Omega. Speaking of V-triggers, Kenny avoids a Phoenix Splash from Laredo then hits him with the V-Trigger and one One-Winged Angel later, it’s all over.
Or is it? As the Bad Brothers and Omega celebrate in the ring with Callis, Jon Moxley comes out on the ramp. Again, without Eddie and his broken ankle! *insert cussing emoji* The Young Bucks come out with Matt still holding his cheek like he wasn’t slapped twenty minutes ago and chase off the heels. That’s a smark term, y’all!
Rebel (not Reba) is in the pink room with Dr. Britt Baker DMD. They hype up AEW Dark: Elevation on Mondays and tell Thunder Rosa since their match wasn’t sanctioned, it’s like it didn’t even happen. Whether or not that’s true, watch Elevation on YouTube!
POP: Fight, Ladies, Fight
The Bunny and Nyla Rose come out with the Matt Hardy Empire to face off against Tay Conti and Hikaru Shida. They are accompanied by the Dark Order and now all I want is Hardy, Private Party, Butcher, Blade, Bunny, Nyla and Vickie against Adam Page, Johnny Hungee, Alex Reynolds, Alan Angels, Stu Grayson, Tay Conti, Hikaru Shida and Anna Jay in some sort of intergender, tornado tag, anything goes match. I don’t care if you put ’em in a War Games setting – just feed it directly into my veins! Conti dives onto the whole lot of them and then gets distracted by Vickie. The Bunny swings her kendo stick and hits a home run off Tay’s ribs and then absolutely hurtles the kendo stick up onto the ramp. That was impressive. She takes Conti Down the Rabbit Hole and pins her for the 3.
Jurassic Express explains how their match next week vs Bear Country is like Godzilla vs King Kong. Marko tries to hide his giant Kong tattoo on his arm. The other two notice and Luchasaurus gets pissed, yells, “we’re the dinosaurs!” and storms off. That was hilarious!
POP: Miro Miro on the Wall, What’s the Best Arcade Game of Them All?
Arcade Anarchy is finally here! Miro and Kip are ready for a fight but so is Orange Cassidy and Chuck. They run out and attack Kip and Miro to start off this unsanctioned match. I love Miro and to see him picking up Orange Cassidy by his pants is funnier than all get out. Even funnier than “We’re the dinosaurs!” But I know why you’re all here. And I’m a man of the people, maybe even THE man of the people. So for your enjoyment, here’s a not-so-definitive ranking of the arcade games that made their AEW debuts tonight:
- Pac-Man
- Space Invaders
- Mario Bros
- Mortal Kombat
- Air Hockey
- Killer Instinct 2
- Mortal Kombat 2
- Whack-A-Mole
- The Claw Game
- Primal Rage
Also, I’m glad Miro got rid of the blonde hair. It’s hard to be HandsoMiro if he has blonde hair. He’s a lean, mean fighting machine, not a Bulgarian surfer. He’s also not so handsome when Orange Cassidy and Chuck bury him under two tables, a trash can lid, one crutch, a barricade rail and a broken Whack-A-Mole game. In quite possibly the greatest moment of the match, Chuck grabs a teddy bear off the prizes wall. He opens it up and dumps out a bunch of Legos in the ring. It’s not quite Britt Baker’s thumbtacks but I’ve stepped on a Lego and they hurt way worse than a thumbtack! Since he brought them into the match, he of course gets slammed onto them.
Penelope kicks OC in the balls and drags him over to the Claw Game and apparently one of the prizes of the Claw Game is Kris Statlander! She makes her triumphant return and drives Penelope through the air hockey table. After Miro beats the hell out of Orange Cassidy and Chuck, they start crawling up the ramp. A vehicle rolls up and it’s Sue in her minivan. Trent jumps out of the back and the Best Friends have been reunited (and it feels so good)! Miro gets advantage and then waves at Sue up in the van. He goes up the ramp and starts pulling himself up onto the van. Trent attacks him (fight for ya mama’s y’all!) and they brawl back into the arena. Trent spears him through an upright table so Chuck gets a one-up on him and powerslams Kip off the stage and through a table below! That’s all she wrote for this one folks! Not only did we get a bunch of cool video games (and Legos!), Kris Statlander and Trent are back, baby! Best Friends don’t shake hands…Best Friends gotta hug!
Arcade Anarchy was a fun match, especially for those of us whose (totally rad) parents refused to get a babysitter and just left us with two pockets full of change at an arcade. We were cared for by Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong, etc. and everything was right in the world. This was a nice little throwback to our childhood and like I’ve said previously, it’s these little things that AEW does to hit us in the heartstrings. It’s like they’ve invested directly into my life so I will forever invest in them. At the end of the day, wrestling is better when there’s competition and WWE, watch out. We’re coming for you!
Anyway, that was a whole lot of fun and a whole lot more chaos than I expected! Can’t wait to see what storylines come next and what’s going to happen next week when The Inner Circle returns! Not just the goofy, fun-loving, smartass Inner Circle either. These guys look like they’ve returned as little badasses ready to beat the ever-lovin’ hell out of The Pinnacle. LET’S GO!
That’s it for me today! Enjoy your week everyone! Feel free to leave a comment below (good or bad, I’ll answer them all!) and share the column with your friends, family and followers. And seriously, join the Discord for good talk with good people. Wrestling united!
