Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Rikishi easily defeated a member of FBI, The Girls Went Wild, Brian Kendrick dressed like a Penguin, Team Angle played the dumbest trick in the book and Kurt Angle pinned Brock Lesnar clean. You can watch this week’s episode here. You can also check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. Ten more days until WrestleMania! Next Big Thing!
Rock Rebound
We begin Raw with a very moody Eric Bischoff promo. Eazy-E announces tonight’s No Way Out rematch: Bischoff vs. Austin, this time a Lumberjack match. But not just any Lumberjack match, no, every Raw superstar on deck will be at ringside tonight. And if they’re not, then they’re fired. Backstage, Stone Cold has a very awkward confrontation with former fellow Tag Team Champion Shawn Michaels. They just vaguely threaten one another for a couple minutes, the whole thing feels really forced. Back to Rock, we see him run into none other than Theodore Long backstage. Finally, a Teddy Long segment! Nothing makes me sadder than knowing I won’t get to write about Teddy Long every week…
Teddy’s currently managing Rodney Mack as a part of Thuggin’ & Buggin’ Enterprises. Thuggin’ & Buggin’ is one WWE’s forgotten racial stables, a bunch of black guys angry at being held down by management. They had this thing called the “White Boy Challenge” where they squashed white jobbers every week. It didn’t get over too well. Also, Chris Nowinski eventually joined, cause I suppose every black guy group needs an Owen. But enough about that, Rock finds Teddy reading a… very special edition of WWE magazine, and Teddy assures him that Rodney Mack will beat The Hurricane in their match tonight. I think he also tries to recruit Rock into his Black Guy Stable, but Rock’s been down that road before.
You’ll forgive me if I skip the ensuing Hurricane/Rodney Mack match. Nice try, Raw. Rocky runs in mid-match for the no-contest, punches Hurricane in the dick and smashes him with a chair. Luckily, it seems Rock finally learned to wield a chair without potentially killing someone, so it’s all very safe. Off camera, Rock plays some jigs for Eric Bischoff on his guitar, signed by The Rock’s close personal friend Willie Nelson. We still haven’t heard Rock’s singing voice on-screen, but that’s about to change. Rock suggests his very own Rock Concert, “An Evening with The Rock” live on Raw. But not tonight, because… well, we’re in St. Louis. And according to Rock, St. Louis Pie smells bad. If you don’t know what that means, you’re on your own, I refuse to translate it. Get ready for the Rock Concert, right here next week!
Rock, known negotiator, uses his diplomatic skills to convince Bischoff to turn the Lumberjack match into a regular No-DQ. Bischoff accepts, because if WCW’s taught us anything, it’s that Eric Bischoff will just do shit on the fly. Bischoff/Austin happens, and it’s not what I’d call “good”. The No Way Out match technically wasn’t “good” either, but it was fun, and it didn’t involve Chief Morley. Bischoff gets some offense here after Morley interferes, but Austin fights back and lands a Stunner. Rocky runs in and hits a Stunner himself, but Austin kicks out. Rocky tries the People’s Elbow, Austin avoids it, dumps Rock, stuns Morley, stuns Bischoff, and that’s that. Stone Cold Steve Austin’s last TV match ever. Less of a “hell yeah” and more of an “…okay?”, but I’ll take it. Rock hits Rock Bottom after the bell and cracks open a couple Miller Lites, thanks for coming.
???: Call to Arms
We begin SmackDown with a little tribute montage to the United States Armed Forces. This episode aired March 20th, 2003, the same day the Iraq War officially kicked off. Though WWE’s relationship with the army is definitely worth analyzing (and we could probably spend hours on end discussing the Iraq War), I don’t have much to say about this. We will be getting a whole “Tribute to the Troops” episode by the end of the year, but for now, it’s just a 90-second video. It’s not like they’re putting the WWE title on Iraqi sympathizer Kurt Angle or anything, we should be fine.
SLIGHT POP: Headbanger Gore
We begin SmackDown proper with the trusted “Tag Guys in Singles” special: Rhyno vs. Charlie Haas. Remember, Team Angle (AKA “Angle Suck Squad”) will defend the tag titles at WrestleMania against Los Guerreros and the Tusk Boys. Rhyno takes out both Team Angle members right out the gate and swings Charlie’s tag belt around like he’s Seth Rollins. Seth and Rhyno are former tag team champions, don’t forget. Despite Benoit’s best efforts, Shelton interferes, allowing Charlie to work Rhyno’s leg. This of course leads to some Grade A restaurant quality Tazz commentary:
It’s like a table with three legs, you need four legs, but Rhyno has two legs, because he’s a human, not a table. Well, he’s a Man Beast, not… a table—
Shelton sweeps Rhyno’s leg as he’s attempting the Gore and the match breaks down into an extremely lame DQ. Not much to this one, honestly. Benoit and Shelton meet later in the night. These two had a pretty baller match last time around, so this could be great. It certainly starts great, some of the most heated Benoit chops I’ve ever seen. I can appreciate the intricacies of delicate mat wrestling, but sometimes you should just chop a guy really, really hard. Benoit/Shelton is short and relatively nondescript, but I dig the finish. Benoit avoids the Dragon Whip and locks Shelton in the Crossface, so their respective partners run in. Rhyno Gores Charlie before he can get Shelton DQ’d, and Benoit gets the win. We’ve seen a similar finish before, but it’ll always get a Pop.
POP: Bringing Hip Hop Back
Professional Brock Lesnar Victim John Cena cuts a wild promo, not on Brock (shocker), but on the rap scene as a whole. This white boy is the realest in the game, because he’s underground, and all. A spiritual miracle lyrical individual. And then he cuts another promo on Brock, which I guarantee Brock won’t listen to. Brock Lesnar constantly getting taunted by a total loser and never even acknowledging said loser’s existence has got to be one of my favorite things on SmackDown. It’s not even that Brock doesn’t care, I genuinely believe he has no idea Cena’s been cutting promos on him for like three weeks. For John Cena, the day Brock Lesnar swung him into the Steel Ring Post was the day his life changed forever. For Brock Lesnar, it was Friday. Anyways, here’s John’s rap, if you guys are interested.
This goes to every hip hop artist giving me no respect
Why don’t you step to me? You get bounced like bad checks
So hip hop hates me cause I don’t rhyme about gats
And I’m a white kid rocking throwbacks and pinwheel hats
I don’t care how many microphones I get in magazines
I got my own flow, you can have your mainstream
I’ll out-rhyme you with anything that I say to ya
I’m making an open challenge at WrestleMania
In front of 50.000, I’ll expose your mistakes
And [BLEEP] all over you, like you was urinal cakes
I’m taking over hip hip AND the wrestling ring
That’s why I’m fully focused on the Next Big ThingI was laughing last week when you got fooled, you meathead
It was funny watching the vanilla gorilla turn beet red
But you can’t handle losing, Brock! You turn into a sour sport
And crippled Eric Angle, tried to cut his career short
You think that’s funny? Messing with people’s lives?
Well, next week I come to SmackDown! Let’s see if you survive!
I’m hardcore like porno flicks, you’re soft-balled like slow pitch
Here comes the real pain, Brock! Payback’s a [BLEEP]!
John Cena returns next week! Will Brock Lesnar notice?!
POP: Happy Guerrero
We’re back to the Los Guerreros vignettes, this time in the golf course. Eddie and Chavo run into two white dudes golfing, so they naturally threaten them into playing with them. The white guys make a slightly racist Mexican food joke, and Eddie gets very mad. Eddie is so fucking jacked at this point, I’m fairly sure he could turn someone’s head into pulp with his bare hands. Eddie and Chavo make a wager with the fellas, and comedy ensues. Hey, Chavo’s really good at golfing, he should consider adopting a weird white golfer gimmick with Dolph Ziggler as his caddie. Or maybe he shouldn’t, who’s to say?
Oh right, the FBI! Eddie and Chavo team up with Rikishi to battle SmackDown’s least dangerous men, the Fuhgetta Bout It (thanks Keith). It’s a very fun 6-man tag, one of WWE’s strong suits. In a pretty uncharacteristic moment, Cole out-Tazzes Tazz by saying he’s got a new nickname. Michael Cole is now “The Gangsta”. I took the trouble of uploading this clip to Youtube so it doesn’t sound like I’ve lost my goddamn mind.
This is what AEW Dark sounds like. After a great comeback by the faces, Rikishi lands a savate kick on Palumbo followed by the Frog Splash for three. It’s pretty funny how the FBI, a three-man unit, can’t even win 3-on-3 matches against a makeshift team. The day the FBI start winning matches is the day the earth stands still.
POP: The Cruiserweight Classic
Rey Mysterio, Number 1 Contender to the Cruiserweight Championship, is just ten days away from his first WrestleMania. In preparation, he wrestles… Jamie Noble. I mean, obviously. What else would he do. Jamie/Mysterio is practically the Angle/Benoit of the Cruiserweight division at this point. I have to ask, who brought a Strong Bad sign to the SmackDown taping? I’m pretty sure every match between these two has been good, and this one’s no exception. There’s plenty of highlights, chief of which is Nidia’s Clothesline from Hell. Female interference in WWE usually boils down to a slap or headscissors, but Nidia takes Rey’s head clean off here. She later tries to unmask Rey, so he pays her back with a pescado. Nidia’s like 5’6 and she caught a plancha better than Miz ever has. Great Cruiserweight action, and Rey continues to roll.
POP: My Brother’s Keeper
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was making his brother wrestle for him and pin Brock Lesnar clean. Kurt Angle is here, and so is his injured big bro Eric. In case you missed it, Kurt and Eric switched places during Brock’s entrance last week, allowing Kurt to skate by a title defense en route to Mania. This isn’t the first time Kurt’s tried this stunt, either, he previously used Eric to retain the WWE title over the Undertaker back at Survivor Series 2000. Eric was signed by WWE to a developmental contract, but a bicep injury kept him out of action for a long stretch. This episode would turn out to be his final WWE appearance. If the name sounds familiar to you, he was in the news in 2019 for assaulting a 12-year-old wrestling student, and also distributing anabolic steroids on the deep web. Intensity, Integrity, Intelligence.
Well, now that I’ve explained the Angle angle, I can talk about how dope last week was. Though it’s had its ups and downs, the build to Angle/Lesnar at WrestleMania XIX is has been mostly great. WWE knew what their Mania main event at would be as far back as last November. Angle/Lesnar was set in motion in December of 2002, and with the Lesnar/Show and Angle/Benoit feuds, they kept both guys hot heading into the Rumble. Sadly, the build to No Way Out was pretty shit. Kurt was forced to stay busy with Benoit and Edge while the Rumble winner dipped for three weeks until John Cena challenged him out of the blue. Nonetheless, since No Way Out, the build to Angle/Lesnar has been downright outstanding. They should teach this shit in schools.
What is Brock Lesnar’s end goal? He wants his title back, and he wants it now. He doesn’t care about WrestleMania, he knows he can beat anyone at any time. So, how do you keep Brock and Angle busy until March 30th? First, Brock beats Team Angle to set up a cage match with Paul Heyman (in itself a great swerve), where you finally pay off Brock’s vendetta against Heyman that’s been brewing since November. You’ve managed to make Brock look like a monster and kept him in Angle’s vicinity so far, but now you have to get both guys in the ring together. Last week’s match worked from every possible angle; pun intended. Kurt Angle outsmarted Brock (without cheating, technically) and pinned him in the middle of the ring, two weeks before WrestleMania. Kurt played Brock like a fiddle in the most creative way he could come up with.
Brock, meanwhile, just took his second ever pinfall loss and he still looks unstoppable. He’s a force of nature. Kurt didn’t beat Brock, he survived him. Brock was inches away from the WWE title, and it was snatched from him yet again. Kurt Angle’s days are numbered, and Brock is gonna put him in a grave. And all without further injuring Angle’s neck. It’s perfect. Kurt, shithead that he is, cuts a promo patting himself on the back over last week’s magic trick. “Mom was right. You don’t suck, bro!”, says Eric. Kurt talks shit to Brock (Lesnar’s in the building, so this isn’t very smart) and demands he come out and apologizes to Eric. Instead of Brock, Stephanie walks out to add a stipulation to their WrestleMania main event. Should there be interference, count out or disqualification, Kurt Angle will be stripped of the title. Just pure wrestling.
Angle still wants an apology, so Here Comes the Pain. Kurt pushes his injured brother in Brock’s way, because he’s my favorite wrestler, and Eric low blows Lesnar. Kurt capitalizes with an Angle Slam onto a chair and a modified camel clutch, injuring Brock’s ribs ahead of Mania. Would you look at that, Brock’s got a weak spot…
POP, I GUESS?: Dead DeMott
The Undertaker’s on his own this week, as he battles the returning Bill DeMott. God, I’ve been waiting so long for Bill DeMott to wrestle an actual wrestler on these shows. So far, it’s just been Cruiserweights, Rikishi and Chuck Palumbo. Sadly, we’ll never see my dream DeMott/Lesnar match, but this is a good consolation price. Taker’s still in his Zack Sabre Jr. phase, so he’s trying all sorts of submissions and failing miserably. DeMott gets about as much offense as A-Train gets in these types of matches, but he eventually falls to the Tombstone. The Tombstone is a rare sight at this stage of Taker’s career, I think this might be the second time he’s hit it in the column. Neat! Next week will be Nathan Jones official in-ring wrestling debut, so… keep your eyes peeled.
POP: Terms of Employment
After being unmasked as the Pittsburgh Penguin last week, Brian Kendrick (seen here looking like an idiot) gets chewed out by the boss. Although Stephanie technically isn’t his boss, because he’s not signed to SmackDown and never has been. How do these WWE developmental deals work, exactly? Why does WWE keep bringing this dude to shows knowing full well he has a history of doing really dumb shit in public? Brian apologizes, saying he was just trying to impress Stephanie and land a job. Steph cuts Brian some slack and makes him another offer: if he can defeat Shannon Moore tonight, he’ll become a SmackDown roster member. In wrestling terms, this is like asking you to beat Glass Joe. I don’t think there’s a more beatable wrestler on the SmackDown roster right now than Shannon Moore, and that’s counting Jamie Noble, Funaki, Crash AND Nunzio.
Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT GRACIOUSLY INCLUDED SHANNON IN HIS BOOK” (he’s got a book) and “MATT IS SHANNON’S IDOL”. It’s an overused phrase, but Brian Kendrick is 100% ahead of his time. He’s unlike anything else on the show. He’s got an extremely unique moveset, he bounces around like a pinball and he somehow always lands on his feet. It’s like seeing a late-2010s flippy dude in there with 2003 Kurt Angle, it’s nuts. Credit to Shannon too (first time I say that), he busts out James Storm’s Eight Second Ride. The things you see on a random SmackDown… Matt interferes, bouncing Brian’s head into the steel steps, but Rey runs down for the assist. Brian lands a gorgeous Sliced Bread off the distraction and gets the three. The kid’s got a job! Now he can run around naked on company time.
POP: There Will Be Blood
Tonight! It’s the Vince McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan contract signing. They’re going with “20 Years in The Making” as the tagline. It’s more like 19 years and change, but that doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. They go all in on this one, we get vignettes throughout the night putting over the duo. They even bring in Bob Costas for a little insight! I’m not gonna pretend I know who Bob Costas is, but I’m sure you guys do. We also get comments from Bobby Heenan, one of the undisputed greats of pro-wrestling. Unfortunately, this is post-throat cancer Heenan, and they don’t bother subtitling him, so it’s not easy to make out what he’s saying. Also, former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura! All the great commentators. I really miss Gorilla in times like these…
Oh, and Mean Gene’s here, too! I’m almost surprised they didn’t get Lord Alfred Hayes on the phone or something. Gene does a great job hyping up Hogan/Vince, but he makes most things sound good. Get Mean Gene in there for the Katie Vick feud, he’d fix it. Hogan gets an unexpected Pop here by using the word “deadass” in conversation. When have you EVER heard Hulk Hogan say “deadass”. In a (quite frankly) fantastic bit, we see Vince backstage acting all goofy, telling people to WATCH THIS. “You won’t believe what’s gonna happen to Hogan!” He goes through the curtain and his music starts playing… and then he immediately pops up behind Hogan and chairs him in the spine. And then the head. Vince signs the contract, stabs Hogan with his pen, and smears Hogan’s blood on the dotted line.
Absolutely deranged.
And that’s our show! Join us next time for the go-home to WrestleMania, featuring:
- Rey Mysterio & Brian Kendrick vs. Matt Hardy & Shannon Moore
- Eddie Guerrero vs. Charlie Haas
- Chavo Guerrero vs. Shelton Benjamin
- Big Show & A-Train vs. Chris Benoit & Rhyno
- Nathan Jones’ in-ring debut
- …And the return of John Cena! Watch out Brock!
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
