Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Rey Mysterio took his designated WrestleMania spot, Matt Hardy retained the Cruiserweight title, Los Guerreros returned to tag action, Vince and Hogan yelled, Brock Lesnar achieved his dream of F5ing Paul Heyman and the tag champs got pinned again. You can watch this week’s episode here. Starting now, you can check out all previous entries under the Lesnar Years tag. We’re on The Road to WrestleMania, yes we are! Next Big Thing!
Rock Rebound
Last time on Raw, The Rock ran into local weirdo The Hurricane and called out local violent drunken redneck Steve Austin. Before their inevitable WrestleMania match could be set in stone (of the cold variety), Raw GM Eric Bischoff interrupted to book Rock in a Number 1 Contender’s match against Booker T. Even though Booker is already Number 1 Contender and Rock really doesn’t seem to mind that much. Rocky opens this week’s episode telling Bischoff he doesn’t want to wrestle Booker or get a title shot at Mania. Rock’s only goal at the moment is defeating Austin at the Show of Shows. With the main event off the table, Rock is free to choose a different opponent for later in the night.
You’ll notice how Booker has absolutely no agency in any of this, never raises a single complaint about his WrestleMania shot getting called into question and is only saved by the fact Rock couldn’t give less of a shit about the World Title. I’d go into further detail about this, but I ain’t touching Book’s Mania build with a twenty-foot pole. Not until I have to, at least. Back to Rock, take a wild guess whose ass he might want to kick tonight. It’s Rock vs. Hurricane, Rocky’s first singles match on Raw since last August, in the main event. Since Rock still thinks The Scorpion King counts as a superhero, he tells Hurricane they’ll have a Superhero vs. Superhero match. And by that, he means No-DQ. “All superpowers go!” We get a few callbacks to the last two weeks, including the spectacular return of Rock’s patented Homer Simpson yelp.
Rock tells Hurricane that tonight will be the most important match of his life. Hurricane’s life, not Rock’s. Although this is the first time Rock fights a superhero, so that must be a pretty big feat for him, too. Rock puts his A-Lister acting skills on display by putting Hurricane over before punching him in the face. In unrelated news, Eric Bischoff tries to bury the hatchet with Steve Austin. Steve refuses, and in the process, debuts one of his worst creations: the “BORING!” chant. You ever think about how Stone Cold Steve Austin ruined an entire generation of crowds? Whatever, Rock barges in to reiterate his WrestleMania challenge for like the fifth time. Austin knows Rock is scared, so he lies down on the canvas and asks Rock to, quote, “run [his] little ass down, get on top of [Austin] and count one, two, three”, unquote. Rock’s response: “…nah”.
Austin tells Rock that he isn’t leaving Raw without kicking somebody’s ass, so he turns around and beats the shit out of Bischoff to get his fix. Rock tries to sneak up on Austin, gets caught, and leaves immediately. Eric books an Austin/Bischoff rematch (bad idea) for next week’s main event, but right now we’ve got Rock vs. Hurricane. Rock is a glorified schoolyard bully, so he slaps Hurricane around and powders once Hurricane starts to fight back. Rocky’s new gimmick is stealing his opponents’ gear and wearing it mid-match, which makes for a fantastic visual. Rock’s body language is on point, as always, but the match layout is quite simple. Rocky keeps Hurricane down, Hurricane mounts a comeback, rinse and repeat. It works for two reasons: 1) Rock is an enormous shithead, and 2) he lets Hurricane get his offense in.
Sure, Rock throws Hurricane around, and he doesn’t take him seriously, but Hurricane gets a lot of shine here. At one point, Rock reverses the Hurrichokeslam and tries for one of his own. With this being No-DQ, Hurricane kicks Rock in the dick (calling back to the Battle Royal elimination two weeks back) and Chokeslams Rock for a great nearfall. What can I say, I’m a mark for the Hurrichokeslam. This low blow spot is the only time the No-DQ stip comes into play, oddly enough. Before JR can exhaust his “MAKE YOURSELF FAMOUS” schtick, Rock hits the Spinebuster and goes for the People’s Elbow (without taking off his elbow pad, fuck the people) but Austin’s music hits just as he’s running the ropes.
As Stone Cold heads to the ring, Hurricane rolls Rock up for the win and runs to the back like a bat out of hell, all while Austin’s music keeps blasting through the arena. I’m on the fence on whether or not having Austin’s theme play uninterrupted lessens or heightens the moment. On one hand, it underlines that this was more about Austin and Rock than it was about Hurricane. On the other, maybe it’s smarter not to call attention to the fact Rock lost to Hurricane two weeks before headlining the biggest show of the year. Oh, what was that? Rock lost to Hurricane two weeks before he headlines the biggest show of the year? Hollywood Rock rules.
POP: Well Protected
We begin SmackDown proper with another exhibition tag for the champs, as Team Angle battle Kidman and Mysterio. Titles are not on the line, which makes Team Angle five times as likely to eat the fall. It’s a damn good opener, too; Rey and Billy might be the perfect face tag, and Team Angle are on their way to being the perfect heel tag. They could even be the world’s greatest someday, who knows? Team Angle pick a target and stick to it, this time working over Kidman’s left arm. It doesn’t play into the finish, but Billy’s a great seller. They try to foolishly powerbomb Kidman, and we know how that ends. Rey takes out Shelton with an Asai Moonsault so good it belongs on a goddamn frame, allowing Billy to hit the SSP on Charlie. Unfortunately, Billy’s finisher is the wrestling equivalent of Russian Roulette at this point.
Sure, he might hit it, he might also land face first into your chest or knee first into your skull. Here, he clips the top rope on the way down, but Shelton’s able to pull him out of the ring mid-count. Shelton diverts the ref’s attention towards Rey and Superkicks Billy into a German Suplex for the win. Great little match. Team Angle are back on the winning column, and our Cruiserweight title challenger didn’t have to take the fall. Given WWE’s tendency to book champs or challengers to lose for no reason, this is a pleasant surprise!
BOTCH: The J.O.B. Squad
Rikishi’s feud against the FBI continues in a singles match with Nunzio’s other heavy, Chuck Palumbo. Fun fact, Palumbo and Rikishi actually have plenty of history feuding over the tag straps in ’02. Rikishi even won the titles off Billy & Chuck alongside a reluctant Rico, B&C’s manager. It’s not relevant to this match, I just like to talk about dumb trivia. The FBI try to interfere, but Los Guerreros run in to keep them at bay. Rikishi lands the Rump Shaker on Chuck, and the FBI’s losing streak continues. This is all leading to a big 6-man tag, where I’m sure the FBI will lose yet again.
SLIGHT POP: Paul Wight, Commentator
It’s official, Heavy Machinery ’03 will face Undertaker and Nathan Jones at WrestleMania XIX. There’s no way that match is anything close to good, but I wouldn’t worry about it. We see Undertaker looking around for Jones backstage, only to find him sitting in a dark room by himself. Better get him out before he spends half a year asking people to pick a fight with him. Taker asks Nathan what he’s doing and Jones spews some bullshit about solitary confinement. Like any good ex-con, Nathan Jones will not shut the fuck up about how he went to jail. Taker asks Nathan to sit down with him and watch Show and Train’s tag match together. Aw, Taker’s found a friend!
Show and Train take on Funaki and Tajiri in a slightly lopsided match. We get a clip of the victims planning their strategy backstage, in English, for some reason. Show tags out early on and starts doing color commentary, which is great. More tag teams nowadays should do that, you know? One guy beats the shit out of the enhancement talent while the other puts his team over on comms. It also allows the jobber team to get some offense in, which is what happens here. Funaki and Tajiri team up on the lone A-Train, but the big boys make short work of them soon after. Match itself was a nondescript squash, we’ll have to see how well Train and Show fare against opponents taller than 5’7.
???: Something Wild
Lovable loser Jamie Noble takes a cab all the way to the world-famous Playboy Mansion, presumably to complain about his girlfriend getting the shaft. They keep him waiting outside for about five hours, but he’s able to shill the Girls Gone Wild PPV to the doorman before getting stiffed by security. In related news, Dawn Marie is still a little upset over not making the Playboy cover. Luckily, Dawn doesn’t have any sinister men looking to prey on her insecurities—oh hey, Sean O’Haire! Haven’t seen him in a couple weeks, huh. Sean tells Dawn that she can upstage the whole Girls Gone Wild PPV (which is airing after this SmackDown, so hopefully we won’t have to hear about it anymore) by flashing her breasts to the live audience. Last time someone indecently exposed themselves on this show, they got a match with Kurt Angle, so hey, why the hell not.
Before we get to that, Torrie shows off her Playboy cover and shills the magazine. I’m sure that issue flew off the rack. Racks. I meant racks. Back to Dawn, she heads to the ring, teases the crowd for a bit, and eventually opens her blouse. The camerawork is actually pretty impressive here, not gonna lie. This will make me sound like such a dork, but how does this work within the internal logic of the show? Can you, as a wrestler, ask the sound guy to play your music, walk out unannounced and do whatever? Did Stephanie forget to book something in this slot, or did the planned Bill DeMott/Crash Holly match get cut for time? Does Stephanie even know this is happening? Come to think of it, we never actually see Stephanie watching SmackDown, do we? Talk about a sloppy shop.
POP: The SmackDown Three
BOTCH: This Trick Always Backfires
Los Guerreros meet Rhyno & Benoit (who I’ve decided to call “Animal House”) for a shot at the WWE Tag Team Championships at WrestleMania. I’m not sure Rhyno and Benoit need to qualify, considering they just beat the champs clean as a whistle last week, but the Guerreros never got their rematch, so I guess they have a claim as well. Man, seeing Benoit in there with Los Guerreros brings me back to those SmackDown Six days. Feels like a lifetime ago.
There’s a bit of a story thread going on with the Guerreros in this match. Eddie gets a ropebreak while in the Crossface and Benoit doesn’t break the hold, so Chavo attacks Benoit. Eddie tells Chavo to calm down and tags him in, and then something weird happens. With the ref’s back turned, Eddie has the chance to get a cheap shot on Benoit… but he doesn’t. He thinks about it and backs off. Suddenly, he doesn’t want to cheat against his friend. It’s certainly a first for a guy like Eddie.
Back from the break, Chavo reverses the Crossface into his own weird little version of it, and Rhyno manages to tag in by touching Benoit’s foot. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen that spot, but that doesn’t make it any less weird. Unfortunately, Rhyno foregoes the hot tag in favor of a rear chinlock. A lot more rear chinlocks in this match than there should be! Eddie and Benoit get hot tags instead and the match seriously picks up. There’s some fantastic sequences, like Eddie splashing Benoit while he’s got Chavo in the Crossface and immediately getting Gored for a nearfall. Benoit eventually gets Eddie in the Crossface, but that’s when Team Angle runs in to get the match thrown out.
So, the heels caused a Number 1 Contender’s match to end in a no-contest so they wouldn’t have to defend their titles. Surely, this won’t result in them defending against both opponents in a Triple Threat match, like it does literally every time a heel pulls this exact same stunt. Yeah, it’ll be Team Angle vs. Los Guerreros vs. Benoit & Rhyno at WrestleMania. You know, earlier on, when I was recapping Raw, I caught a glimpse of a Number 1 Contender’s match for the Women’s title between Trish Stratus and Jazz. That match also ended with Women’s Champion Victoria running in to cause a no-contest, and Victoria will ALSO defend her title against both opponents in a Triple Threat at WrestleMania. WWE reused one of their dumbest, most tired booking tropes twice in the same week for the same fucking show.
POP: Absent Friends
We get a history lesson on the relationship between Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan, this time in the form of the tried and true WWE Montage. It’s a great trip down memory lane, as these video packages usually are. We get clips of Hogan’s first title win over Iron Shiek, the many belts he held, even a special background appearance from New Japan’s own Antonio Inoki. The main focus here, of course, is the Hogan/McMahon dynamic, the unit that built the WWF as we now know it. Vince interrupts the montage to show us a clip of Hogan thanking him. And then he shows it again. And again. Turns out, that was the only time Hulk Hogan has ever thanked Vince McMahon.
Vince reminisces about the good old days, how he and Hogan used to be best of friends until Hulk turned on him. It’s a very unique Vince promo, mainly because he doesn’t sound like Vince. See, there are two Vinces: Pre-Austin Vince (also known as Commentator Vince) and Post-Austin Vince (also known as Growl Vince). Here, he sounds like Pre-Austin Vince. He talks like he’s telling a story, with that weird formal tone he used to do on WWF broadcasts. He’s not angry… he’s promoting. And as he talks about Hogan’s betrayal, the camera zooms in, his pace slows down, and you finally hear his growl start to creep in. It’s uncanny.
After this fight is over with at WrestleMania, I know what’s gonna happen, I can see it. I’m know I’m gonna be hurt all over again. I know that I’m gonna feel like my guts have been torn out. I know I’m gonna feel like my heart has been broken. I’m not only gonna feel hurt, Hogan… I’m gonna be devastated. You know why?
Because you, Hogan, will have forced me to do the one thing I never really ever wanted to do… and that’s kill one of my own creations, Hulkamania. And for that, Hogan… for that, I will never… ever… forgive you.
Never.
Let it be known, Vince McMahon was very good at this.
???: March of the Penguin
Unconfirmed SmackDown roster member Brian Kendrick brings Stephanie some flowers to thank her for the opportunity against Kurt Angle two weeks ago. Still not sure if he’s signed or not. Gonna change subjects now, case he has nothing to do with this next segment.
In preparation for his Cruiserweight title showdown with Rey Mysterio, Matt Hardy calls out any non-Mysterio members of the Cruiserweight roster for a sparring challenge. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT HAS NEVER LOCKED HIS KEYS IN HIS CAR” and “MATT HATES CLEANING HIS CARPET”. Sidenote, this V1 sign is absolutely horrifying. As for Matt’s challenge, how deep is the Cruiserweight roster? Matt, Rey, Shannon, Kidman, Jamie, Tajiri, Funaki, Crash, Nunzio… Chavo too, I suppose? Anyways, his challenge gets answered by a weirdo named The Pittsburgh Penguin. “He’s got an orange nose, I got a problem with that!”, says Tazz. Tazz and Cole spend the entire match arguing whether or not Penguins fly and/or have wings. They might be joking, but with Tazz you never really know.
Matt pulls the Penguin’s mask off, revealing Brian Kendrick underneath. Wait a second, Kendrick’s not from Pittsburgh, that lying rat! Kendrick fights off both Matt and Shannon, and the heels retreat. I’m not sure if this counts as a match, but the bell rung afterwards, so I guess the Cruiserweight Champion took an L. SmackDown just couldn’t help itself. Rey congratulates Brian backstage (holy SHIT Rey’s shirt); this might be just what the kid needs to finally get a job. On that note, can someone please sign Brian, or at least stop bringing him to all these shows?
POP: The Sum of Two Angles
Before the show, SmackDown surveyed the Pittsburgh crowd on who their favorite was in the WWE title match tonight. This is Kurt Angle’s hometown, so opinions were a little more split than usual. I only mention this segment because they managed to get interviews from fake Jodie Foster and what I imagine Edge and Christian’s kayfabe dad looks like. John Cena sends us another freestyle from the doctor’s office, just top shelf work from John:
The reason that I’m sitting here waiting for the Doc…
Is cause of the F5 that I took from you, Brock
I don’t think that you understand what I’m saying
You’re gonna hit your knees quicker than a priest when he’s praying
You’re the poster child for the birth control pill
You go down quicker than a hoe for a five dollar bill
I’m a real Superman, you ain’t nothing but Clark Kent
I go for four quarters, you’re halftime, like 50 Cent
I’m gon’ hang your ass, like a Christmas tree ornament
I’ll whack you more times than a masturbation tournament
You get my point now? Cause before, I thought you missed it
I’m a Viagra triple shot, you just a Limp Bizkit
Word Life!
When Kurt Angle joined forces with Paul Heyman, they made their intentions clear: to ensure Brock Lesnar never earned a shot at the WWE Championship. Despite Heyman and Big Show’s efforts, Lesnar won the Royal Rumble and became the Number 1 Contender for WrestleMania. Brock intimidated Angle into giving him an early title shot, only for Angle to turn it into an impromptu gauntlet match and get DQ’d once Brock beat his cronies. Brock teamed with Chris Benoit to beat Team Angle, then defeated Haas and Benjamin to earn some one-on-one time with Paul Heyman. And in doing so, Brock finally got what he’s been looking for: A WWE Championship match with Kurt Angle, right here tonight, two weeks before WrestleMania. Kurt’s a little on edge about the whole thing, you’ll understand.
Kurt enters first and kneels in the corner, perhaps praying Lesnar tears a quad. Brock runs in and beats on Angle before he can even take his jacket off. He lands the F5, goes for the cover… and backs off. He stares at Kurt quizzically, stands up, starts looking around ringside. He goes up the ramp to chase after Haas and Benjamin, and you see Angle leave the ring while another Angle takes his place. Brock rolls back in, gets caught with a small package and loses. The real Kurt Angle heads to the back with the WWE title still in his hands. Two Kurts. Brock’s foaming at the mouth, and nobody knows what’s going on. Lesnar finds the second Kurt (Eric, Kurt’s brother), busts him open and F5s him into the post. Kurt Angle with the heist of the century.
And that’s our show! Join us next time for SmackDown, featuring:
- Charlie Haas vs. Rhyno
- Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Benoit
- Brian Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore
- Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble
- Bill DeMott vs. Undertaker (yes yes yes YES YES YES)
- Los Guerreros & Rikishi vs. The FBI
- An explanation from Kurt Angle
- …And the Hulk Hogan vs. Vince McMahon contract signing
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
