Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Torrie Wilson became a Playboy girl, Los Guerreros and Rikishi joined forces against SmackDown’s least important faction, RHYNO came back, Nathan Jones appeared, Kurt Angle killed a poor kid and Brock Lesnar tore through the tag champs. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re still on The Road to WrestleMania, baby! Next Big Thing!
Rock Rebound
Over on Raw, The Rock gets interviewed by his failed clone Jonathan Coachman. Well, he doesn’t get interviewed per se, he tells Coach to fuck off and schedule something for Wednesday. Even though it’s 2003 and WWE doesn’t have any shows airing on Wednesday. They might not have any shows airing on Wednesday in a couple months either, but I digress. One of my favorite bits is Rock losing any and all sense of self-awareness and dunking on Coach’s hairline. “Who cut your hair, Ray Charles? Beat it. Wash ya ass”. Rock enters his locker room looking for his guitar (“The Rock has gotta soothe his soul, The Rock has gotta sing a SAWNG!”) only to find Hurricane waiting inside.
Rocky asks the sensible question of “how long have you been waiting there/did you see me walk by with my dick out”. Rock lives in a cartoon, however, so he changes subjects and mocks Hurricane over his performance in the Battle Royal. Hurricane then reminds Rock that he himself got eliminated by Booker T, and Rock once again gets extremely offended. He didn’t get eliminated, he tripped over the top rope! Happens to the best of ‘em! Another great Rock bit is his new ability to talk back to the crowd no matter where he is.
Let The Rock remind you of something, you ain’t nothing! You ain’t no superhero, like the Scorpion King! You’re 100lbs of nothing! Five feet nothing! Oh, ‘scuse the Rock one second, his cellphone’s going off! Ka-kow, hello! Hey, it’s nothing, he says he knows you!
*crowd laughs*
AH DON’T LAUGH AT THE ROCK’S JOKES!
Rocky has a hearty laugh over Hurricane’s braces (what a dork, am I right folks) and then… oh my god, and THEN. Apparently, when Rock eliminated Hurricane last week, he did it while quoting a dumbass line from The Scorpion King, because he’s still hung up about that. You CANNOT be this much of a mark. I’m pretty sure that’s the only time someone has ever quoted The Scorpion King within the last twenty years. Hurricane implies Rock might have a small dick, and Rock is so flabbergasted he does a full-on Homer Simpson scream. I had to rewind this clip like three times to make sure that noise really came out of Rock’s mouth.
Hurricane tells Rock that he’s scared of Stone Cold and once again leaves triumphant. Heel Rock is such a trooper, man. Oh, I forgot to mention, Raw GM Eric Bischoff is still mad at Austin, so he arranges a “welcoming committee” to beat him up. Austin cuts the proverbial gordian knot by arriving in a pickup and trying to run them over. In our main event, Stone Cold makes his first Raw appearance of the year. The crowd screams “WHAT?”, but he doesn’t seem to mind. First and foremost, he thanks the fans for the warm welcome. He cuts a little comeback promo about opening up cans of whoop-ass and whatnot and, in a slightly endearing moment, calls out the “WWF” superstars. Well, SOMEONE doesn’t watch the product.
Rocky shows up to talk shit all the way up the ramp, like an asshole. He tells Austin that the crowd loves him now, but once he becomes successful (not “signing some autographs at some mall in Delaware” successful, ROCK successful) they’ll turn on him. Rocky’s says he’s done it all in this business, but there’s just one box left to check. He’s still 0-2 against Austin at WrestleMania. We already know what’s coming, so Rock lays out the challenge. Before Stone Cold can respond, Bischoff comes out to make Rock an offer. He’ll wrestle Booker T next week, with the winner getting a shot at the World Title at WrestleMania (???). As for Austin, Bischoff sends Three-Minute Warning to handle him, and they get stomped. Rock and Austin finally go face-to-face, Austin almost stuns Rock’s ass, and we’ll see you next week!
SLIGHT POP: The 5’2 Big Fish
Our opening contest pits three of SmackDown’s… I wanna say “top Cruiserweights”, but that’s being generous. It’s Rey vs. Jamie vs. Tajiri in a Number 1 Contender’s match for the Cruiserweight title at WrestleMania. A real Sophie’s Choice situation, huh. I can see “Matt Hardy vs. Jamie Noble” on the Mania marquee clear as day, can’t you? In all seriousness, I’m not sure why Rey even needs to qualify considering he already has a pinfall win over Matt Hardy and is also the consensus greatest Cruiserweight alive, but here we are.
The two extra guys attack Rey before the bell and wrestle inside that classic late-90s/early 2000s pyro mist. It’s so thick you can barely see the ropes, I love it. There’s a couple “shit we gotta kill time between spots” moments, but for the most part, it’s a neat (if short) triple threat. After the obligatory Tower of Doom, we get a great Rube Goldberg 619 for a nearfall. Rey quickly gets rid of Jamie and reverses an apron suplex into an O’Connor roll for the win in short order. Rey’s going to Mania? On God? Believe it or not, this means Rey is finally getting his first singles shot at the Cruiserweight title under the WWE banner. At least we don’t have to worry about him getting pinned by A-Train anytime soon.
…I hope.
SLIGHT POP: ¡VIVA LA RAZA!
The FBI make their official in-ring tag team debut against former champs Los Guerreros. This match is highlighted by another debut, the all-time classic “We Lie, We Cheat, We Steal”. No offense, but if you don’t know the full lyrics to this song by heart, we’re from different species. “We can’t be weak, coming from the streets of the ghetto / At the end of the week, we get to keep your dinero”. Pretty decent tag match, incidentally. Eddie and Chavo are smarter than your average jackal, so they’re able to keep Palumbo and Stamboli on their toes. FBI are a surprisingly solid powerhouse team, though, and they use their size to cut the ring in half.
Chavo gets some shine with a great hot tag, then Palumbo and Eddie almost die off an outside hip toss. Despite interference by Nunzio, Stamboli eats the fall when Eddie splashes him he’s hitting a Fallaway Slam on Chavo. Eddie misses completely, but in theory, that was an awesome finish. In keeping with their modus operandi so far, the FBI attack their opponents immediately after losing. They may have a 0% winrate, but man do they ever get their heat back!
POP: Hoist by My Own Petard
Matt Hardy Version 1.0 puts his WrestleMania spot on the line as Billy Kidman gets his Cruiserweight title rematch. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT ENJOYS LOOKING AT PICTURES IN PLAYBOY” and “MATT CONSIDERS HIMSELF A SEX SYMBOL”. You might scoff at that second one, but ladies used to go wild for the Hardy Boyz. Side note, one of my favorite details about Matt’s Cruiserweight champ run is the weird way he holds the damn thing. I don’t know why, he’s won plenty of belts in his career and this is the only one he holds like that. I’m happy to announce, this is yet another in the long line of Pretty Damn Good Cruiserweight Bouts. None of these will make the inevitable “Best of The Lesnar Years” list, but they’re a welcome feature of any episode of SmackDown.
Kidman takes a page out of Hardy’s book, hitting Matt’s trademark “AAAAAAAH!” leg drop. That’s what Tazz calls it, and you know what, that’s exactly what it is. If you’ve seen enough Matt Hardy matches in your life, you’re probably hearing that same “AAAAAAAH!” sound in your head right now. After some Shannon interference, Matt’s able to bonk Kidman into Moore’s dumb ass and lands a Twist of Fate for three. That’s weird, it’s usually Matt who runs into Shannon and gets pinned. Well, the WrestleMania Cruiserweight title match is set! I sure hope they get more than five minutes.
???: Cover Up
Torrie Wilson’s Playboy photoshoot took place this past week, and we get a little montage to commemorate it. Torrie sounds legitimately excited to be posing for Playboy. I mean, she is a model, so this is probably a dream gig. Her Playboy cover will be unveiled next week on SmackDown, so if you really care, make sure to stick around for that. Or I guess you could just google it, if you hate fun so much.
Playboy cover runner-up Nidia isn’t pleased with the whole ordeal, and we see some footage of her storming the Playboy mansion to talk to The Hef personally. She gets bounced by security, but not before shilling the Girls Gone Wild PPV, which still hasn’t happened in the column timeline. Nidia challenges Torrie to a “body challenge” at the PPV. “Body challenge” means they’re gonna pose naked, but don’t worry, they won’t. It’s just a blatant lie to get people to buy a shit PPV with lukewarm titillation. I understand WWE’s desperate, futile attempts to garner some mainstream crossover appeal would lead them to a partnership with the likes of Playboy or Girls Gone Wild, but did it really have to be both at the same time? Nidia flashes Josh Mathews while she’s at it. Not a great night to be Jamie Noble. Hell, most nights aren’t.
POP: Frankenstein’s Dilemma
Hulk Hogan makes his first SmackDown appearance after getting screwed at No Way Out, as he heads to the ring and calls out Mr. McMahon. Vince walks out and tells Hogan that they can settle their issues, but they can’t possibly settle them like men. Because (quite frankly) Hogan is not a man. He’s a shell of a man. Hogan loses his cool and rags on Vince for saying he created Hulkamania. “Hulkamania was a success in spite of you!”. Which… is a lie. That’s a straight up lie, right there. Now, I get what they’re going for. They’re trying to make Vince out to be the bad guy, taking credit for Hulkamania, when it really belongs to all these wonderful fans, brother. However, Vince DID create Hulkamania. Vince poached Hogan from the AWA and built his company around him. Hulkamania is objectively Vince’s brainchild.
Hogan says that WWE exists today because he put the company on the map, which is also kinda true, if a little more debatable. Vince says he could’ve had anybody play the part of Hogan, and Hulk objects to this. Hogan states that, out of all the guys Vince gave the belt to, nobody ran to the goal line the way he did. For real? Not even Bret? This whole “give the belt to” schtick is REALLY starting to cross into worked shoot territory, so try not to think about it too much. Vince claims he doesn’t actually hate Hulkamania. Vince hates Hogan. He hates that his own creation turned on him, competed against him, tried to put him out of business. He hates that his own creation testified against him in the infamous Steroid Trial of 1994. Yeah, we’re bringing in the deep cuts.
Hogan argues that it was his testimony that kept Vince out of jail, and by this point both guys sound like their veins are going to explode. It’s an absolutely fantastic promo from these two, even if you don’t like either man. There’s such palpable vitriol coming through every single word they say. Vince’s ability to channel all his hatred through his voice and face is by far one of his greatest strengths, and Hogan himself plays his part very well. Vince tells Hogan he “engrained him into the fabric of Americana”, and Hogan still owes him for it. They’ll fight it out at WrestleMania, and if Vince wins (“I want this in writing, cause your word’s no good!”), Hogan’s career is over. Can Vince McMahon kill his creation? Should he just let Hogan kill it himself?
BOTCH: Mean Mark: Boggo Road
We get some clips of Undertaker training his newfound best friend, Nathan Jones. This is before they had a performance center, so Nathan trains in full view of the SmackDown crowd. You’d think they could send Jones to OVW or something. Jones is a loose cannon and flying off the handle though, so he chokes the fuck out of one of his training partners. It’s just Ruthless Aggression, it’s fine. Undertaker’s got a match with A-Train, who shows up dressed like the goddamn Brooklyn Brawler. Seriously, what the fuck is this look. Big Show’s also rocking his signature singlet with sweatpants and white Vans, simply iconic.
Show attacks Taker on the outside while Jones distracts the ref, because Jones is useless. Taker gets Derailer’d, but catches A-Train with his shitty Triangle Choke while Train goes for the pin. Big Show runs in, Nathan runs in, and the ref calls a no-contest. Taker and Jones send Train and Show packing… uh, what’s a good team name for Train and Show? “A-Show”? “Big Train”? “Bald & Soon to be Bald”? Stephanie kicks Train and Show out of the arena, meaning they won’t be around for Paul Heyman’s main event match against—wait, I got it! Show and Train, “Heavy Machinery”! Genius!
POP: Tag Team Tusks
BOTCH: The Price of Being Champions
WWE Tag Team Champions Team Angle battle Chris Benoit & Rhyno in non-title action. Rhyno and the Wolverine don’t have a team name either, I’m somewhere between “The Hunt” and “The Filthy Animals”. It’s a good tag match, which shouldn’t be surprising; Charlie and Shelton are a top tier team and Benoit/Rhyno are a super effective combination. Team Angle avoid the Gore early and work over Rhyno’s surgically repaired neck. They try to do the old “attack the opponent while their partner distracts the ref” but apparently referee Mike Chioda turns around too early and catches them in the act. Haas seemingly panics and does another spot, the old “clap so the ref thinks you tagged in”, except he does it RIGHT IN FRONT OF CHIODA. He immediately goes for a cover, and the ref counts the pin. Man, you KNOW Charlie didn’t tag in just now, come on.
Benoit gets the hot tag, as he should, and tears through Team Angle. Shelton barely saves Charlie from getting pinned off the headbutt, and Charlie debuts his finishing maneuver (technically he debuted it a few months ago when Team Angle attacked Benoit but this is the first time he does it during a match so shut up): The Haas of Pain. Easily one of the most underrated submissions in wrestling history. Rhyno runs in for the save and Gores Shelton, allowing Benoit to lock Charlie in the Crossface for the tapout. Good match, but I can’t help but notice how the WWE Tag Team Champions just got pinned by a team that has only existed for exactly one week, immediately after singlehandedly getting their asses kicked by Brock Lesnar. I’m not gonna act surprised, cause nothing says “WWE” more than the tag champs taking Ls.
SLIGHT POP: Heyman in a Box
Four months ago, at Survivor Series, Paul Heyman double-crossed Brock Lesnar to align himself with the Big Show. After defeating both tag champions last week (don’t worry about it), Brock finally gets his wish: a chance to rip Paul Heyman limb from limb, inside a steel cage. Obviously, Heyman is five seconds away from throwing himself off a balcony, but Kurt Angle has a plan. Using his leverage as both WWE Champion and Stephanie’s former lover, Angle tries to convince her to call the match off. She refuses. Paul gets on his knees and begs, but she doesn’t budge. Kurt decides to handle it alone, and by “handle it alone” I mean “get inside Stephanie’s pants”. She teases him for a bit before revealing Brock’s new stipulation: If Lesnar wins tonight, he gets a WWE title match with Angle next week! And this one won’t be a swerve!
In related John Cena news, the temporarily crippled Doctor of Thuganomics delivers an intense freestyle about becoming the Joker, he’s gonna kill Brock, yadda yadda. What’s funny is, at no point does Brock ever reference these freestyles nor do we know for certain if he’s even seen them. What, you think Brock Lesnar watches the shows? We get a Tale of the Tape for our main event, and I love how Paul’s render is that still of him watching his life pass before his eyes from last week. Kurt Angle doesn’t want to defend the title against Brock, so he tells Paul to win, which is delusional even by his standards. Heyman spends the entire duration of this episode scared shitless, and his wrestling gear consists of a three-piece suit, Yankees cap and taped fists. Why even bother with the tape? How many punches do you expect to throw, Paul?
Angle distracts Brock from the outside, allowing Shelton and Charlie to run into the cage and beat Lesnar up. This is Brock we’re talking about, though, so he fights back and whips their ass. He throws hands with Angle on the outside and accidentally busts him open against the cage before the match starts. You’d think he’d just F5 Heyman in a couple seconds and get this shit over with, but he licks his chops long enough for Kurt to climb into the cage and intervene. WWE never understood what the point of a cage match was, did they? Kurt gets the Ankle Lock, but Brock waistlocks Heyman to keep him inside the cage. Heyman tries to climb out while Brock and Kurt fight it out, but Brock drags back him down, scoops him up, kicks Angle off and FINALLY F5s Heyman for three. Cross that one off the list.
It’s Angle vs. Lesnar, WWE title, next week in Pittsburgh. WrestleMania comes early. Or does it?!
And that’s our show! Join us next time for SmackDown, featuring:
- Team Angle vs. Billy Kidman & Rey Mysterio (20 bucks on the cruiserweights)
- Rikishi vs. Chuck Palumbo
- Dawn Marie Going Wild!
- Big Show & A-Train vs. Funaki & Tajiri
- Matt Hardy vs. Brian Kendrick
- Los Guerreros vs. Benoit & Rhyno, Number 1 Contendership for the WWE Tag Team titles
- …And Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle, WWE Championship
Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
