Photo: WWE

Retro Pops & Botches: WWE SmackDown – 02.27.2003

 

Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, No Way Out ’03. Everything sucked and half the roster got injured. You can watch this week’s episode here. We’re now on The Road to WrestleMania! Finally, this bit makes sense! Next Big Thing!

Before We Begin…

I’ve never hated myself enough to watch Raw, so thus far, most of my recaps have been SmackDown exclusive. Barring the exception of PPVs, I feel like recapping both brands would be too daunting a task for anyone. Also, I’m not ready to write about Chief Morley segments on the regular. Nonetheless, I feel like I’d be doing The Lesnar Years a disservice if I didn’t shine a spotlight on one of the true gems of 2003 WWE television. Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the first edition of a new segment I like to call…!

Rock Rebound

You can watch Raw here, by the way. After surviving his encounter with the Bionic Redneck, Eric Bischoff has a few announcements to make. Firstly, (despite the whole month of build leading up to No Way Out, where Eric got his ass whipped pillar to post for the sole purpose of signing Steve Austin to the Raw brand) Bischoff bans Stone Cold from the premises. Good use of everyone’s time. Secondly, our main event will feature a 20-Man Battle Royal to decide Triple H’s challenger at WrestleMania. And Austin’s not invited, neener-neener. And for his last trick, Bischoff reveals his trump card: The biggest star in the history of pro-wrestling.

Rock, he’s talking about Rock.

FINALLY The Rock has come back to Toron…
Toron…
To-run his mouth, on alllllllllllllllll your candy asses!

Rock explains why he came to Toronto, and then he stops to shit on the crowd for cheering when he said “Toronto”. See, Rock’s got history with Canada, as this is where The People first turned on him back at the SkyDome. I’m trying to find the words to accurately describe Rock’s demeanor here. He talks like a condescending politician if he was hosting a live show for 4-year-olds. He constantly cycles between “jump around, wave your arms, talk like an idiot”, “argue with the crowd as a whole as if it was your wife” and “yell at some random dude of the fifth row and call him fat”. Rock turns his attention towards Stone Cold (definitely something you want to do), shits on the Toronto Maple Leafs and declares himself for the Battle Royal.

here I am, rocky and the hurricane

Trying to distract himself from the impending sting of the Rattlesnake, Rock grabs a guitar and shows off his music skills before being interrupted by the Hurricane. I have no idea how Hurricane got in there without security shoving his ass into a trashcan. Rock and Hurricane start arguing about which superhero would win in a fight (Goku, always), Hurricane says he could beat the Scorpion King, and Rock gets so offended. Hurricane tells Rock he’ll eliminate him in the Battle Royal, and just like that, Shane Helms got a bigger rub off a three-minute segment with Rock than he did in his entire WCW career. It’s such as small thing, but seeing a star like Rock allow himself to look like a clown and get one-upped by a bottom-feeder like Hurricane is so, so great.

Anyways, the Battle Royal happens and it’s not bad at all. It’s an incredibly star-studded field; Raw’s got the talent, even if I don’t like how they book them. Well I say “star-studded”, Rodney Mack is there, they can’t all be World Title caliber. Though Rock almost falls victim to the dreaded Hurrichokeslam, he eliminates Helms after kicking him in the dick, which is a neat touch. Rock is too big to share the ring with the likes of Rosey, so he heads up the ramp to do some color commentary. Rock returns to eliminate Kane and Christian simultaneously, and we’re down to two: The Rock and Booker T, for a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship. Rocky gets cocky, taunts for a bit, and gets tossed out. No glass shatter, no interference, nothing. Book wins clean as a sheet, and he’s going to Mania. Don’t get your hopes up.

Now, onto SmackDown…

SLIGHT BOTCH: Grenier Automata

We open the show with a promo (I’m still watching Raw, apparently) as the Chairman delivers some news. The Rock will not be here tonight, which is alright, I’ve already got my fix. Hulk Hogan will also not be here. Hold your applause. The highlight is Vince acting like he forgot the name of Hogan’s kid, which is somewhat believable.

Hogan is using the flimsy excuse of a “family emergency”! Yeah, imagine that one, that’s a whopper, huh. Something to do with his son… Nick? I think that’s his name. Whatever the hell his name is.

The “family emergency” bit adds another layer if you know the type of shit Nick used to get up to. Vince hams it all the way up and calls Hogan a pussy for not showing up. Remember, this man got challenged by Hogan to his face and immediately called in Dwayne Johnson for backup. He recaps the events of No Way Out’s shitty main event and makes it official: Hulkamania is dead. But there’s a new Mania in WWE! “McMahon-a-mania is Running Wild!”. “McMahonia” would’ve also sufficed.

Later in the show, we get some words from Vince’s personal ref, Sylvain Grenier. I’ve already explained Sylvain, but here’s the CliffsNotes: crooked Canuck, future tag champ. I’m still not sure I’m spelling his name correctly. Grenier leads us into a replay of the events of Rock/Hogan II. In case you missed it, the lights went out, Vince distracted Hogan, Grenier passed Rock a chair and the Hulkster got screwed. We also get a NO WAY OUT EXCLUSIVE where a bloody Hogan corners Stephanie backstage and says he’s gonna kill her father.

BOTCH: Play-Boy-Play

After last week’s historic Paddle on a Pole match, the Trailer Park Pair battle Funaki and Torrie Wilson (“Kai En Torrie”?) in mixed tag action. This is easily the most meaningless observation I’ve made so far, but they decided to change Jamie’s theme from vaguely southern butt rock to just butt rock. The Jamie/Funaki portion of this match is alright, that’s all I’ll say. As for Nidia, she stomps Funaki from the fearsome height of one inch. Dawn Marie tries to interfere, shenanigans ensue, and Torrie rolls Nidia up for three. We might as well get the entire SmackDown women’s roster involved in this, so Stephanie walks out to announce which of the four women will be posing for Playboy. Yeah, that was the endgame this whole time. Steph teases some titillation, which wouldn’t be so uncomfortable if her dad/writer hadn’t shown up five minutes ago.

Anyways, the Playboy chick is Torrie. I know, I was really pulling for Nidia, too. Torrie’s very happy about it so, good for her!

SLIGHT POP: Blood In, Blood Out

Nunzio’s faction (now officially called “Full-Blooded Italians”) seemingly moves on from the introductory Rikishi feud, as their leader squares off against Eddie Guerrero. It’s an interesting matchup, especially considering Eddie’s no longer in the Cruiserweight division. You can tell why, brother is so jacked he makes Nunzio look like a toothbrush. Eddie and Chavo are full-on faces now, so all the sudden Michael Cole really likes them. He says “you gotta love the family slogan, cheat to win!” as if he didn’t spend the better part of 2002 calling these guys “jackals” with the tone of voice reserved for someone who ran over your dog.

I haven’t given Nunzio any props in these writeups yet, but he’s tons of fun as a bumbling, ineffective heel. Every promotion needs a guy who gets maybe five seconds of offense per match, eats shit, and sells like a cartoon character. I liked the finish, as Nunzio’s able to avoid the Frog Splash and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker but ends up on the wrong end of a roll-up sequence. Eddie “pulls the tights”, though I still don’t know how much leverage you’re getting when both guys are parallel to the canvas. The FBI attacks the Guerreros post-match, but Rikishi runs down for the save. Of course he does. This reminds me, Rikishi was the Guerreros’ first feud, too! The times are-a changin’.

POP: The Hunt

Resident Kurt Angle Expert Chris Benoit gives Brock some advice ahead of his main event match later tonight. Lesnar asks Benoit if he’s concerned about a possible Team Angle attack after what they did to Edge, but Benoit tells him he’s got some backup of his own. Could this be the return of The Radicalz?! Benoit and his mystery partner are up against brand-new Cruiserweight Champion Matt Hardy and his little MF’er. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT’S PANTS ARE A SIZE 34 IN THE WAIST” and “MATT THINKS SWEET POTATOES ARE DELICIOUS”. In a backstage interview, Matt says Edge wouldn’t have gotten injured if he followed Mattitude instead of leading the Edge Army. Not sure I’d be taunting Edge like that if I were you, brother. Anyways, as for Benoit’s partner…

Oooooooooh boy. For those unaware, meet Rhyno (with a Y), the final ECW Champion and an absolute cube of a human being. Rhyno first appeared in WWF as The Alliance’s top heater, eventually getting kayfabe-suspended in late 2001 after dropping the United States title to Kurt Angle. In reality, the suspension was just a way to write him off TV while he went through cervical fusion surgery. This kept him out of action for all of 2002, but the animal’s back, and he’s in the tag division.

This is an awesome little tag match, too, and the crowd goes nuclear for the Man-Beast. Matt and Shannon try some Hardy Boyz offense until Rhyno gets the hot tag. He and Benoit run through the Mattitude Mates, ending with the consensus greatest Spear of all time: The Gore. I don’t know why the new Cruiserweight champ ate the fall when Shannon Moore was standing right there, but it gets a Pop.

BOTCH: Nathan But A G Thang

The Big Dog (not that one) shows up to call out A-Train after getting attacked last Sunday. Oh, I’m sorry, “Sundy”. Train answers his challenge accompanied by, who else, Paul Heyman. I mean, why not? Heyman’s already managing every other heel on the show, might as well form his own little Legion of Doom. Heyman also brings Big Show out to play, and the giants take out the Dead Man. Fortunately, Nathan Jones makes his in-ring debut and scares them off with the power of spooky kicks. This shit is so much funnier than it has any right to be.

So! I guess we’re getting A-Train/Show vs. Taker/Jones. I know Nathan just showed up and I shouldn’t be shitting on the guy before he’s even wrestled, but that match looks bad on a SmackDown card, let alone Mania. Also, this is Nathan Jones’ first actual appearance and I’ve already ran out of puns, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

POP: FU Good Men

Blockchain, Loyalty, Respect

Still recovering from a knee injury, the bitter John Cena sends Brock Lesnar a threat all the way from his computer. It’s a really good freestyle, too, so much so that the crowd starts cheering midway through, and they’re watching it from a screen. I know it goes without saying, but Cena was SO good at these.

Brock… I sit here glued to the screen, punching these keys
Watching everything you do on live internet feeds
I downloaded, high speed, all the files that I need
To make your hard drive crash and to make your face bleed
You can’t erase me, I’ma make you taste me
I’m a virus, I kill you the next time you face me
You jealous, you stole my shot at the brass ring
Everybody knows, I’m the Next Big Thing
You all bark and no bite, you stole my spotlight
I’m the Great White Hope, you’re the Great White Hype
If you an animal, then I’m going on safari
I’m rocking PlayStation 2, you can’t figure out Atari
Look in these eyes, Brock. Don’t think that I won’t shoot ya
I leave you worthless, like a nerd with no computer
Show the world that you can’t even walk in my shoe

Your finish is the F5? Well mine’s the FU!

Yes sir, John Cena’s finally getting a finisher! Only took him eight months. The FU would later be renamed “Attitude Adjustment” once they figured out it sounded a bit too rude, but in the early days, it was just Cena’s way of mocking Brock. So yeah, bit of trivia there, one of the most effective finishing moves in pro-wrestling history began as a parody of the F5 for a feud that really only lasted about two months.

POP: I Need Five

Naked Boy Brian walks up to Stephanie backstage to reiterate how he will do ANYTHING to succeed in WWE. To prove this, he wants a match with the WWE Champion, right here tonight. Steph seems to like the kid, so she cuts him a deal: if he can last five minutes with Kurt Angle, he’ll be the newest SmackDown roster member. Question, how does this guy keep getting in the building after running around with his dick out if he’s still not signed? Brian enters the ring to no music and has to tell Tony Chimel his weight and place of residence, great little detail. Kendrick needs to survive five minutes with the world champion, but Kurt’s neck is still broken, so I’d say Brian’s got a shot.

Kurt is a galactic asshole here, getting down on all fours so Brian can lock him in a hold. Then he does the old “pop me in the jaw” spot, on his knees, with eyes closed and his arms behind his back. Brian straight up kicks him in the face to a huge pop, but Kurt suplexes him into next week. Kurt’s pissed off now, so he sits Brian on the top rope and slaps his skin off his goddamn skull.

Brutal. He locks in the Ankle Lock and immediately lets go, then teases an Angle Slam and puts Brian back down. He’s still got time. Kurt gets a little too close for comfort, though, and Brian’s able to mount a comeback. He sticks and moves, momentum’s on his side, 45 seconds to go aaaaaaaaaaaaand he eats a clothesline and dies. 20 more seconds and the kid’s got a job, but he needs to hold on. Brian wakes up and starts throwing elbows out of sheer desperation. 10 seconds to go. He might just pull this off. Kurt knees him in the gut, Angle Slam, 1-2-3… with two seconds left on the clock. Watch this match. This shit was unbelievable.

Kurt grabs a mic and sets the record straight; Team Angle did NOT attack Edge last Sunday. “We didn’t do it and you can’t prove it”. Since he’s the biggest dickhead not named Dwayne, Kurt starts fucking with Brian. “Stand up, kid. Oh, you are standing, I’m sorry”. He tells Brian he’s got guts, raises his hand, and then takes his head clean off. Kurt beats Brian’s ass all over ringside and lands an Olympic F5, just to send a message. Kid’s already dead, for chrissakes.

POP: Quote, ‘Handicap’, Unquote
BOTCH: The Tag Team Power Rankings

In our main event, Brock Lesnar battles both WWE Tag Team Champions in a Handicap match. Doesn’t look too great for Haas and Benjamin, does it? Since Kurt Angle randomly added a stipulation to his match last week, Stephanie tells Paul Heyman that Brock’s got a stip of his own. If Brock wins, he gets to wrestle any member of Team Angle next week… inside a steel cage. Heyman complains, because he doesn’t want Brock to choose Kurt and injure him ahead of WrestleMania. Jesus, even Paul thinks Team Angle’s gonna lose. Like last week, both members of Team Angle get some offense in, but Brock takes their asses to the meat-grinder. Team Angle’s smarter, though, so they’re able to use misdirection to get the upper hand. Kurt and Heyman interfere, too, all hands on deck here.

Charlie locks Brock in the obligatory rear naked choke and Brock goes to his corner, but there’s no-one to tag. Being Brock Lesnar, he carries Haas’ ass up the ropes and jumps off to break out of it. Imagine climbing the turnbuckles with 250lbs of dead weight on you. Shelton tags in and tries to prey on a wounded Lesnar, so Brock springs back up and stares him down in what might be the most subtly badass Brock Lesnar moment since the no-look F5. Before Brock can lay waste to Team Angle, he gets caught in their Superkick/German combo for a nearfall.

In a brilliant spot, Brock tries to F5 Charlie but Shelton catches him mid-air and sets him back down. Doesn’t help much, as Brock just F5s Shelton instead and gets the win. A lot of champs getting pinned this episode, no? I understand this is 2003 Brock Lesnar, and he could realistically run through half your roster no problem, but you REALLY didn’t have to do your tag champs like this. It’s not the last time WWE books tag teams to lose handicap matches, either. Match was fun, I just feel like you could’ve done this without killing Haas and Benjamin in the process. Maybe have Kurt inadvertently hit one of them with the title to give Brock an opening, something like that. Brock goes after Heyman and tries to F5 him, but Angle barely saves Paul’s hide.

Lesnar ain’t mad. He grabs a mic and announces his Team Angle opponent of choice.

Paul Heyman.

Next week.

In a cage.

Count up your sins.

And that’s our show! Join us next time for SmackDown, featuring:

  • Los Guerreros vs. The Full-Blooded Italians
  • Undertaker vs. A-Train (again)
  • The return of Hulk Hogan
  • Team Angle vs. Chris Benoit & Rhyno
  • Rey Mysterio vs. Tajiri vs. Jamie Noble, Number 1 Contendership for the Cruiserweight title
  • Billy Kidman vs. Matt Hardy, Cruiserweight Championship
  • …And Brock Lesnar vs. Paul Heyman, inside a Steel Cage

Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!