Week Two: WWF Monday Night Raw – September 11, 1995
Welcome back to Monday Night Rewind, a Pops & Botches-flavored look back at the Monday Night Wars, through the lens of someone who didn’t really live through them. Previously on Raw…nothing! This is the inaugural edition of the Raw side of the Monday Night Rewind, and Nitro premiered unopposed the week before, so for the sake of this intro, Monday Night Raw did not exist before now. I’m sure I won’t have to acknowledge previous angles at all!
This week, a bunch of classic WWF stars in their prime, doing what they do best! Also, Isaac Yankem! Leggo!
POP: I LIKE IT RAW
Absolutely ridiculous lyrics aside, I actually got a kick out of the “new fall season” intro to Raw. While doing a little digging on the different intros throughout the years, I learned that mine is apparently an unpopular opinion, but I’m sticking by it. The soft country butt rock just adds another layer of hilarity to watching Shawn Michaels scuttle across a roof like, “Oh, shit, there’s a fight, better get to going.”
I have to take a moment to acknowledge that, despite how much I dislike many (many, many, many) of his business and creative decisions down the road, Eric Bischoff was actually pretty genius to plan for the US Open* and premiere Nitro on a week that Raw was preempted. Taking on such a juggernaut was crazy enough (looking at you, 2010 TNA), so I can’t fault the man taking any advantage he could.
The first thing I noticed about this young version of that juggernaut was Vince McMahon on voiceover and commentary duties, and I’ll be damned if the man isn’t fucking great at it. I’ve heard snippets here and there, but never a full show, and holy cow, McMahon was born to be a hype man. He’s calling matches with a brevity and excitement that could make a new match-up between Randy Orton and John Cena seem fresh and entertaining.
Most of all, Vince hypes the hell out of what’s come before. The very opening of this episode, before we even see the title sequence, is a recap of SummerSlam from two weeks earlier. I’d be lying to you if I said the first thought that entered my head wasn’t, “Oh, shit…I really want to go back and watch that ladder match.” Mister McMahon is absolutely one of the greatest professional wrestling characters put to screen, but damn do I kind of wish Vince had never left the booth.
*(h/t Baron Von Raschke from our Discord for the info on what preempted Raw)
POP: Say Hello to My Little Buddy
The opening match of Raw’s first answer to the upstart down south is a strong one, pitting Razor Ramon against the British Bulldog. These are two men that I’ve only ever seen in matches from 1997 and beyond, so suddenly being shown them in their prime is an absolute treat. It’s just two big dudes beating the hell out of each other for close to six minutes straight, and I am all the way here for it.
One thing that has apparently never changed in the last twenty-five years of wrestling, however, is the time-honored tradition of stupid, stupid babyfaces. First, Razor gets the upper hand on the Bulldog, but bumps the ref in the process. We all know referees are more fragile than a barbershop window, so he drops like a sack of rocks. Then, with the unconscious ref in full sight (pictured above), Razor fights the Bulldog up into the Razor’s Edge, hits it, and goes for the pin. He’s waving his hand at the ref like the cool, wafting breeze is going to somehow rouse this mostly dead mother fucker, but before you can say mutton, lettuce, tomato, the dastardly Dean Douglas has interfered, and we roll right into stupid, stupid babyfaces, part two!
The 1-2-3 Kid shows up for the heroic rescue and immediately gets trucked for his trouble. Bulldog capitalizes on the interference and hits Razor with the powerslam finisher. Then, in his infinite babyface wisdom, Kid climbs the turnbuckle and, in full view of the ref, goes for a splash to break up the pin. Bulldog moves, Kid hits Razor, ref calls for the bell. Shockingly, and in what may be the most logical decision I’ve seen in my twenty-odd year on-again-off-again relationship with wrestling, the ref recognizes that the Kid was trying to hit Bulldog and just missed, so he disqualifies Razor.
The Kid gets his ass beat some more, cementing Sean Waltman’s position as one of the top ragdolls of all time. Dude was great at bouncing around for big men’s offense. Unfortunately, his best mic work is still a number of years away, as we are about to see.
BOTCH: The Peanut Gallery Has a Hot Mic
Confession time: I was under the impression that Jerry Lawler only became the absolute torture on my eardrums that he is in the last ten years or so. Holy shit was I mistaken. There is not one moment of silence in this entire interview segment, because as soon as anyone in the ring stops talking, King is chiming in with the most asinine, aggravating commentary he can muster.
Between those torturously shrill interjections, the 1-2-3 Kid and Razor Ramon have a heart-to-heart via the intermediary skills of Vince McMahon. Kid is somehow convinced that he didn’t cost Razor the match (he totally did) and that Razor simply doesn’t respect him, despite Kid having already beaten Razor once before. Now Kid is demanding another match against Razor to cement his position as someone worthy of that respect.
Safe to say, Kid’s not making a great case for himself here. The entire bit just makes him come off as the whiny little kid he insists he isn’t, practically stomping his feet and throwing a tantrum in the ring. He storms off, Razor gives a 2020-ass recap promo then accepts the challenge, and we go to commercial.
The best part of the whole segment is Razor calling Vince “McMang.” All my love for that terrible ass Cuban accent.
POP: Mammas Don’t Let Your Gunns Stop Being Cowboys
The Smoking Gunns, Billy and Bart, whose careers will be going in wildly different directions within a few years, take on the totally not at all jobber team of Rad Radford and the Brooklyn Brawler. I googled Rad Radford to make sure I had the name right (WWE’s closed caption guy is…not great at times), and it turns out he’s the future Louie Spicolli, so this match definitely started on a downer for me. Fuck pain killer addictions, wrestling companies support your injured performers.
Depressing side notes aside, the matchup is amazing. In what will probably be a running theme for the first good while of the Monday Night Rewinds, it’s great to see these wrestlers, whom I’ve only known as established presences, when they were still chomping at the bit, trying to make their name in the business. Watch this and then please tell me where the hell that Billy Gunn went for the last twenty-five years. Dude’s out here using Sin Cara entrance moves as offense.
Vince and King are probably doing their best back-and-forth work of the night in the booth, too. I legitimately barked out a surprised laugh when King tried to shit on Vince’s wardrobe (“I didn’t know Fruit of the Loom made sports coats!”) and Vince responded with, “They don’t, it’s a French cut! It’s J.C. Pen-yay!”
Top to bottom, this was a fantastic three minutes of that essentially pointless fun that wrestling needs sometimes. Not every match needs to be super serious business with weeks or months of story behind it, and I think all of the modern promotions would be well served to remember to throw in palette cleansers like this again.
I’M UNCOMFORTABLE: So This is Goldust
Hey, turns out original Goldust is fucking creepy. It’s a damn shame the powers that be decided to lean way too far into the sex freak angle for the homophobic 90’s ratings boost.
Though I guess we should have seen that coming when we come out of that promo with Vince yelling, “Oh, my goodness, To Wong Foo, eat your heart out!”
BOTCH: Like a Root Canal Without Novocain…
I have two questions:
- 1) Who thought that an entire gimmick based on dentistry puns was a good idea?
- 2) WHO CONTINUED TO THINK THAT AFTER SEEING IT IN ACTION?
That’s all I have for this entire segment. Moving on.
BOTCH: …That Was Excruciating!
In trying to find a clip of the exact package Todd Pettengill did for the upcoming In Your House pay-per-view, I watched a few others of his, and I guess maybe this was a one-off of the WWF writers trying to shoehorn in wacky young person lingo (“What’s up, dudes!? Dudettes!?”) and sitcom programming references (“Certainly glad to see we’re not moving to Sunday nights like Mad About You!”).
If nothing else, I’m certainly intrigued by the Diesel/Shawn vs. Owen/Yokozuna “Triple Header” match. It sounds interesting, but also sounds like it’s about half a step from death by overbooking. Fingers crossed for the former.
POP: Qu’est-ce Que C’est? (Fafafafafa Fafafafafa)
I have seen a lot of shit talk about Sycho Sid, and as of this moment, I want to know where the fuck it was coming from. That big, scary mother fucker made a hell of a first impression on me. Maybe the dead stare isn’t an act and he’s just that emotionless, but in this case, it worked spectacularly and came off as genuinely unsettling.
Before we can actually watch the Sycho One murderize Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels, however, Barry Didinsky is here to sell us a Shawn Michaels stripper hat. I get they did what they had to do without an online shop, but this infomercial ass presentation (Vince literally yells, “But wait, there’s more!”) is spectacularly hilarious. Who wants to call that number for me? Twenty-five bucks for a hat and glasses ain’t half bad.
The match itself is a classic tale of the scrappy babyface underdog fighting against the odds. Michaels is still suffering the damage of what was apparently an epic ladder match and has to fight an absolute monster the very next night. He gets lucky shots in to knock Sid off balance physically, which only serves to knock Sid off balance mentally. However, the Heartbreak Kid still gets ragdolled about as badly as the 1-2-3 Kid earlier in the show.
Finally, Shawn manages to catch Sid with a trifecta of Superkicks, which look exceedingly weird without the modern accompanying thigh slap. Sid goes down, Shawn gets the pin, and we are immediately treated to sudden male strip tease. Lighting guys even put him under a spotlight and everything. I guess the WWF actually knew their audience for once.
And there we have it, folks: the World Wrestling Federation’s opening salvo in the Monday Night War! Overall, I was surprisingly entertained. Like with Sid, I’d heard little to no good things about these early days of Raw. I’m more than happy to be surprised by some quality viewing. Next week, it’s the tag champs Owen Hart and Yokozuna taking on Mabel and Mo, and Razor Ramon and the 1-2-3 Kid put their friendship to the test in a one-on-one match.
Drop down and leave a comment, jump into our Discord to join the live discussions, and I’ll see you right back here for the next installment of the Monday Night Rewind!
